Into the Clear
by mikan
Summary: [COMPLETED] Kaoru faces a decision about where her life is going, when suddenly somebody from her past arrives at the dojo...
1. Arrival *revised*

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan

**Chapter One: Arrival**

Kaoru breathed in the fragrant air. Her steps slowed, and she paused on the bridge.

How she loved spring! Everything bright and new and full of promise. A breeze ruffled the sleeves of her kimono. She tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and looked out to where the river bent and flowed out of sight.

_Where does it go to?_ she wondered. _Past here, near the market, then by the dojo -- then who knows where. _In her mind she flowed with the water, winding through the city, then past the street near the dojo. She could see Kenshin opening the gate and stepping out with his little wooden tofu basket. She could hear Yahiko's whining voice echoing over the walls, and Sano's grumblings in the kitchen for something to eat.

Life at the dojo had fallen into a quiet routine. She gazed at the bend in the river again. But how long could it stay that way? Even Kenshin himself had said that things would not stay as they were. Sano would probably leave someday to strike out on his own, and Yahiko was burning with impatience to grow up.

But Kenshin. . .

She sighed. Kenshin was still the same Kenshin. Punctual, efficient, platonic. Every morning up before she was, making breakfast. Then laundry and groceries. Then lunch and dinner. The same "ohayou" and "oyasumi" opened and closed each day. And to him, she was still "Kaoru-dono", never just "Kaoru".

_Kaoru-dono! _she groaned inwardly_. 'My lady Kaoru'. I wish he'd just call me by my name. Or even just "Kaoru-san". 'Miss Kaoru'. That has a better ring to it. At least it doesn't sound like we're still in the feudal age._

_Oh Kenshin. When are you ever going to understand?_

She started to think of what had happened at dinner the night before. Forcefully, she pushed the memory out of her mind.

Where was her life going? She was almost twenty years old, but what did she have to show for it? She wasn't married. She had no children. She couldn't cook. She hadn't even completed her training yet. She thought about the condition the dojo was in, and felt a sharp pang of guilt. Would her father be happy with the state Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was in at the moment? One student, and a shabby dojo.

_Father, I am doing my best,_ she thought, but it left her not much consoled. Feeling the weight of her thoughts bearing down upon her, she closed her eyes for a moment. She would never admit it to herself at any other time, but now she felt it keenly -- she was so tired. Tired of worrying about where she would get enough money to feed them all, about what she would do if the roof started leaking beyond repair. . .she could go on and on. But most of all, she was tired of being alone. True, there was Kenshin, Yahiko, and Sano. . .but at night, or at moments like this one, she had to bear the worry and the guilt alone.

_Kenshin,_ her heart cried, _don't you see how I want to share everything with you?_ She wanted to share so many things with him -- so many stories she had been hoarding up, so many things she found beauty in. . .as well as the things that she worried about and those that she feared the most.

But everyday, it was the same. The same cheerful, friendly smile and innocent eyes. The same courteousness and politeness that kept them at a distance from each other. The same focused concentration on his chores for the day.

She was so tired.

_He never really sees me, does he?_ she realized sadly. _The real me. What he probably sees when he looks at me is -- someone whom he has to protect. But love?_

Kaoru stared out into the distance, unseeing. _Love._ He had loved Tomoe-san -- he had loved her so much that even after her death, it was her spirit alone who could give him rest from the horror of his life during the Bakumatsu. In his quiet moments, those times when his eyes took on a distant look, he probably thought of her -- of the time they had lived together, of the things they had done.

_Memo__ries he'll never share with me, memories I can never erase nor surpass._

Kaoru felt like crying right there, on that busy bridge in the heart of Tokyo.

_What is going to happen to me?_ she thought desperately. _I love a man who cannot love me back because his heart already belongs to someone else. Someone who gave her life to save him, someone with far more nobility and grace than I'll ever have. Someone whom I can never replace._

She stepped away from the railing and started to walk back home, the tiny bag of snacks she had bought hanging limply from her hand. After a few moments, she suddenly realized she had been slouching. Only then did she feel the grip of the self-pity that was choking her. Resolutely, she threw her shoulders back and lifted her face to the breeze.

_It's spring, Kaoru. Your favorite time of year. You're young and beautiful and the world is a big place. You're too busy to feel sorry for yourself. There's lots of stuff to be done at home. So get going, girl._

She forced herself into a brisker pace. Spring was a time of promise.

Whatever it promised, she promised she'd never feel sorry for herself again.

* * *

Kenshin looked up as the gate swung open and Kaoru stepped inside. He flashed her a bright smile.

"Welcome back, Kaoru-dono."

At the sight of him, her heart started to quicken, in spite of her resolve to remain calm. _Why?_ she asked herself despairingly. _Didn't you already decide it's hopeless?_

"Konnichiwa, Kenshin." Her smile was slight. "Have you had lunch already?"

"Iya, we were waiting for you de gozaru yo."

"Good, I got some dessert. Sweet cakes."

"Arigatou, Kaoru-dono."

She turned to go into the house. Kenshin stared after her, keenly aware of her dampened spirit and forced smile.

_So she's still upset._

He sighed as he turned back to his laundry. His hands methodically began scrubbing the garment in the wide bucket. _Last night. . . _he thought, his eyes darkening as he remembered. . .

They had been sitting down, ready for dinner -- him, Yahiko, and Sano. He had cooked up miso and bean sprouts with fish. Sano and Yahiko had been fidgeting. Kaoru had not yet appeared.

"What's taking Busu so long?" Yahiko had muttered. "I'm starving!"

"Kaoru-dono?" he had called out in turn.

No response. He had started to get worried. He had been about to get up and check on her when they had suddenly heard the sound of a door sliding open, and footsteps going down the hall.

"Finally!" Yahiko had grumbled.

"Dinner's ready, Kaoru-dono," he had announced cheerfully.

He had settled back into his spot on the floor. Seconds later, the hem of Kaoru's kimono had flashed at the edge of the doorway, and he had looked up --

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!"

He hadn't been sure if the scream had come from Yahiko or Sano or himself, but his mouth had been hanging open and he had been frozen with shock. He had stared blankly at the woman in the doorway.

She had looked like Kaoru -- vaguely. Her face had been pasty white, and her eyes. . .her startled eyes had been encircled by a dark, defined layer of gray. He had never seen anything like it before.

_Sort of like raccoon eyes, _he had thought for a moment, before giving himself an indignant mental shake. He scrutinized her eyes once more.

_Are her eyes bruised? Did she trip and fall flat on her face? Is that why she's so pale?_

He had snapped into motion.

"Kaoru-dono! Are you alright?" he had asked urgently, but Sano had interrupted him with a chuckle.

"Jo-chan, that is the most impressive black eye I have ever seen! I've never managed to end up with one as dark and wide as that! And you have two of them too!" he had screeched, erupting into laughter.

"Busu with makeup! Mwahahahaha!" Yahiko had fallen onto the floor, laughing along with him.

While the two of them had laughed in the background, he had been locked into her gaze. She had merely stood there and said nothing, not even looking at Yahiko and Sano, only at him. In her eyes he had seen an unbelievably deep sadness. Then she had turned and quietly walked back to her room, deaf to their hasty apologies.

He had followed her. But she had begged him not to enter, begged him to leave her alone. And so he had sat there for most of the night, in the hallway outside her room -- furious with himself, furious with Yahiko and Sano, and wondering what on earth _she_ had been thinking.

In the morning, she had come out, dressed and ready to go to town.

"Kaoru-dono, about last night -- " he had started to say, but she had cut him off.

"Please, Kenshin, it's nothing. I'm going out for a while, ne?" she had said with a little smile that was patently forced.

"Demo -- " he had started again, but she had just walked on down the hallway.

_She's still upset._

He scrubbed the garment in his hand with more intensity than usual, his frustration working its way into the motion. He knew she was upset. But what could he do? She didn't want to talk about it, and she seemed intent on pretending nothing had happened -- that it hadn't affected her -- when she was so obviously hurting inside. He ditched the cloth into the soapy water, feeling helpless and hating himself for it, and for the part he had played the night before.

_Ah, dammit,_ he thought to himself. _Should I just go apologize to her? But. . .she'd probably not want to talk to me about it anyway. She's probably embarassed. Hey, even _I_ was embarassed._

Still, he wanted to do something. She had looked so sad. The memory of her eyes came back to him.

_Baka,_ he felt like chiding her. _Why are you bothering with makeup at all? Don't you know how beautiful you are?_

_You've always been beautiful to me._

He knew he loved her. Loved her beyond his own life. She was the reason he was still sitting there -- alive, strong, and sane. Her belief in him -- in the good within him -- had carried him through the dark days in Kyoto when he had been on the brink of madness, of total obliteration of self. He had lived for her, had forced himself to fight back for her. Only her.

_What I would give to make her mine._

The old regret welled up within him, and he crossed his arms over his knees and allowed his head to slump on them.

But she deserved a better man. Somebody whole, somebody with bright eyes who could look to the future with a clear gaze, who could look upon the past and not be mastered by it. Somebody with untainted hands, hands that could touch, and hold. . .

_Somebody other than me._

He raised his head just in time to see her emerge from the house and head to the dojo. Her chin was high, and her gaze direct. She did not look at him.

His eyes followed her, and as he watched her walk away, he spoke to her with his heart.

_I couldn't bear to have you there when the nightmares seize me, Kaoru. It would kill me if you saw what I really am. I haven't changed. The hitokiri is still within me, and every night, the madness washes over me like a fever. Every night, I remember everything. . . And it would make you cry, because nothing can take away this hell inside of me. Nothing. I'll be like this till the day I die._

_But while you're here, there's beauty and reason in life. You're laughter and light and faith and everything to me. But if I allow you within myself, I would destroy all that. All the happiness would seep out of your soul._

_And that, I will never allow myself to do._

Kaoru suddenly stopped walking and turned to face him. Her eyes pierced his.

"Kenshin? Did you call me?"

Startled, he couldn't say anything at first. Then slowly, he shook his head.

Kaoru looked at him for a moment longer. She knew there had been something. It had almost been a physical force beckoning her, pulling her to him.

_What is it about you, Kenshin? _she thought dejectedly. _Why can't I just be normal around you?_

Kenshin could feel her anxiety. This time, however, he couldn't bring himself to plaster the rurouni smile onto his face. She looked so sad. Without thinking, he stood up and started walking towards her.

"Kaoru--" he started to say, but then a voice stopped him.

"Kaoru-chan!"

Both their heads snapped to the side to see who had spoken.

A tall man stood in the portal of the gate. He was clad in a dark gi and hakama, with a ratty straw basket strapped to his back. In his right hand he carried a large walking stick.

Kenshin stared at the stick suspiciously.

_I'd bet my life there's a katana inside that thing, _he thought grimly. It was common knowledge that many samurai concealed their swords inside sheaths disguised to look like ordinary bamboo sticks, in defiance of the edict issued by the Meiji government banning the carrying of arms.

The man met his gaze.

Kenshin stepped in front of Kaoru.

"Who are you?" he asked the man flatly.

Kaoru's gaze shot to Kenshin. That tone of voice --

The man took a second to scrutinize Kenshin from head to toe before bowing gracefully.

"Forgive me for being so rude. My name is Hasegawa Ryou."

Kenshin felt Kaoru breathe in sharply behind him. Before he could stop her, she brushed past him, running to where the man stood.

"Ryou-nii-chan! You've come back!" she gasped, throwing her arms around him.

"Kaoru-dono!" Kenshin cried, alarmed. He watched as the man enfolded her in a tight embrace.

The man glanced at Kenshin for a moment before he turned to smile down at her.

"Hai, Kaoru-chan. I'm finally home again. And this time, I'm here to stay."


	2. Memories *revised*

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan

**Chapter Two: Memories**

A soft gust of wind swept through the front courtyard of the dojo. Kenshin felt his clothes flap slightly against his rigid body. He stood there, unmoving, watching the stranger hold Kaoru tight.

Kaoru unwound her arms from the man slowly, then stepped back.

"Where have you been all these years, Nii-chan?" she asked him quietly.

He looked away.

"The truth is, Kaoru-chan, I've been wanting to go back here for a long time. It's just that. . .my shame held me back."

Kaoru stared at his bowed head with concern. _Shame?_ Ryou-nii-san had never done anything worthy of shame. He had always been honorable, dignified -- and kind. He would always walk over to her when he saw her peeking at the door to the dojo, and sneak her a little treat to eat. Sometimes, after practice, he would even stay to play with her for a while. She felt a rush of fondness as memories of him, tucked away long ago, slowly grew vivid in her mind.

She had always been proud of him and had always looked up to him. He had been the best student her father had ever had.

She remembered it clearly -- long afternoons when warm orange light would slant into the dojo and her father and Ryou would walk inside for another intense practice session. She would sit in a corner and watch, cheering for them both. No other student had embraced and honored Kamiya Kasshin Ryu more than Ryou. She had always been convinced that there had been no one more worthy to be her father's successor than he.

Her father himself had even said so.

When the times had started to get troubled, and the country was spiraling into war, her father would often sit by himself on the porch and stare off into the distance. She used to watch him from a corner of the hallway, wanting to go and ask him what he was thinking so hard about. But her mother would always pull her away gently from the corner with a wry smile.

"Come along, Kaoru. We'll play in your room."

"But. . .why does Father look so sad?"

"He's not sad, dear. He's just thinking about things."

"What things?" she would insist.

At that, her mother would pick her up and carry her to her room, depositing her in the middle of the tatami. Then she would plop down beside Kaoru, and draw her daughter into her arms.

"What things?" Kaoru would repeat stubbornly.

"Things that neither you nor I should be worrying ourselves about. Your father takes care of everything so. . ."

Looking at her daughter, she would notice the pout. One of her hands would reach for a doll.

". . .we. . .can. . ."

She would slowly inch it down Kaoru's shoulder. Kaoru would start to giggle.

". . .just. . ."

The doll would peek at Kaoru. ". . .play!"

Kaoru remembered how she used to smile at that. But one afternoon, she had finally managed to sneak past her mother and march up to where her father sat.

He had looked up at her with a faint smile.

"What is it, Kaoru-chan?"

She had sat down next to him.

"What are you thinking about?" she had asked him simply.

He had looked at her for one moment before pulling her close to his side.

"Oh, just -- things. Boring things."

"Boring things!" she had echoed indignantly. "Then why do you like thinking about them so much?"

He had chuckled.

"Grown-ups have to think about boring things once in a while, Kaoru-chan, so kids like you don't have to worry about them anymore. When you grow up, you'll have to think of boring things, too, sometimes."

She had studied him for a moment, her eyes perceptively searching his.

"Father, is there going to be trouble soon?"

She had clearly surprised him.

"And where did you hear that?"

"From the boys. While they were getting ready before practice."

"I see. And what were they saying?"

"That there is going to be a war. What is that, Father? 'War', I mean."

"It's when lots of people fight each other."

"Even you?" Her fingers had clutched at his sleeve.

He had patted her hand soothingly.

"No, not me, Kaoru."

"So you're not leaving?" she had persisted.

"Kaoru." Finally realizing the depth of the worry in her eyes, he had lifted her and placed her squarely in his lap. In his embrace.

"What made you think I was ever going to leave you?" he had asked her gently, his face close to her cheek.

Tears had welled up in her eyes.

"The boys were saying that everyone has to go and fight the bad people. That only cowards who don't have any honor would stay at home." She had turned around and thrown her arms around his neck. "But I don't want you to go, Father!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Kaoru."

She had looked up at him, her eyes wide and anxious.

"But -- "

"But what?" he had asked gently.

"Will people say you have no honor, then?"

"They might."

"Then you _will_ have to leave, won't you!"

He had sighed and brushed a stray lock of hair from her forehead tenderly.

"I've already said I wouldn't, didn't I?" He paused. "You know, people have different ideas of what honor is. But for me, seeing you safe and happy. . .that's all the honor I need. And I'll always be here to defend it."

"Always?"

He had smiled down at her.

"Always. I promise you'll never be alone. There will always be me, your mother, and. . .and if not us, then, Ryou. Ryou will always be here to take care of you."

"Ryou-nii-chan?" she had echoed.

"He's a kind boy, and probably the best student I've ever had. When I get too old to teach kenjutsu, I'll leave it to the two of you to pass on Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. Alright?"

"Hai!" she had agreed with a bright smile.

_But Ryou-nii-san left,_ Kaoru thought, as she stared at the man standing before her. She didn't know exactly how it had happened. Suddenly, he had just stopped coming to the dojo. When she had asked her father where Ryou was, she had seen pain flash briefly in his eyes.

"Remember what I told you, Kaoru, about people having their own ideas of what honor is? Ryou -- " he had paused, the disappointment weighing his words down. "Ryou can't see clearly yet where his honor truly lies. That's why he has gone off to fight. He thinks his honor lies in how long and how well he can wield his sword."

"Is he wrong, Father?" she had asked.

He had shook his head.

"No, Kaoru. There is honor in fighting well for something you believe in. But often. . .it can be a very empty kind of honor. Because of the blood you have to shed." His voice had dropped very low.

Kaoru could hear her father's words as she looked at Ryou. The man who stood before her was taller, leaner -- the lines of his face sharper and far more grim than she remembered. She wondered if the shame he now spoke of was his shame at having left the dojo against her father's wishes.

She began speaking quietly, her heart heavy with sadness for him.

"Nii-san, I don't know what shame you hold against yourself, but. . .I am sure it is undeserved. My father might have been greatly disappointed when you chose to leave, but he never spoke ill of you. He only told me you had left in pursuit of your own honor."

"I should have listened to your father," he answered her, a bitter edge to his voice. "He was right. There is no honor in war. It will only get you killed. But I didn't want to listen to him then. Whenever I picked up my shinai, I felt. . .guilty. I could feel the power in my hand, in my arm -- power I should having been using to swing a real sword to help stop the war. I came to hate myself so much that I had to leave."

He paused, his head hanging dejectedly, his gaze averted from the distressed look on her face.

"When I left, your father told me that I was never to speak of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, never to return here again. So I went and joined the Shogun's forces. And I fought. . .and I came to hate myself even more, for what I found myself doing. After we lost, I couldn't bear to return to Tokyo. For years I worked as a laborer, going north and south with the seasons. . .But always, I thought of you. I wondered how you were, what you were doing, how the dojo was. . .Then the group I traveled with decided to pass through Tokyo. I wasn't even going to show myself to you, but -- I had to find out -- I couldn't stop myself from asking some people about you. And the things they said. . ."

He finally raised his eyes to meet hers. The brightness of the pain she saw there twisted her heart.

"I had no idea, Kaoru-chan. I had no idea your parents had died and you were left here all by yourself. It is my fault that you've been alone all this time. Your father had made me promise that I would always be here to protect you, were something ever to happen to him. Because of my selfishness and haste to fight, that promise has gone unfulfilled, and for that -- I will always bear the shame. But. . .But if you would allow me, I beg you for another chance at fulfilling that promise. It is the only thing I can do to repay your father's kindness to me, and to atone for the dishonor I have dealt him and the suffering I have caused you all these years."

At that, he dropped to his knees and bowed his head to the ground before her.

Kaoru felt her throat tighten, and she blinked her tears away as she sank to her knees beside him.

"Nii-chan," she whispered, touching his cheek. "Please, stop. Please get up. I can't bear to watch you do this to yourself. It's not your fault you had to leave. Father didn't blame you. I don't blame you. . .for anything! I've been alright by myself, but what's more important. . .what's more important now is that you're back. Please, Ryou-nii-chan. Please look at me."

Slowly he raised his head, but his eyes remained downcast.

Kaoru reached out and gently brushed the dust of the ground off his brow. Finally, he looked at her.

She saw the old deep brown eyes that used to be filled with such laughter and kindness, now tortured with self-loathing and shame. She shook her head. Slowly, she edged off the ground and stood before him.

"What I care about now is that you're here again. All that pain, all that sadness -- Nii-chan, that's all in the past. Leave it there. I'm glad you've come back, and I want to see the old friend I knew. I want to see you smile and laugh and -- and be happy again." Her voice trembled slightly. "You're home now. You're home."

From where he stood, Kenshin stared at the scene before him, transfixed by her words, by the open caring on her face. It was as if he wasn't even there. Kaoru and the stranger were staring at each other, the intensity of the emotions they shared pulsing keenly on the air.

His own emotions were in a turmoil as well. From the moment the man had walked into the courtyard, Kenshin had sensed a threat -- his protective instincts flaring, his mind sharpening into alertness, and his body tensing. But Kaoru's reaction to the stranger had stunned him. And the exchange that had followed had left him with a mass of roiling emotions tearing at him -- jealousy, suspicion, concern for her safety, and, above all -- fear.

_Who is this man?_ he wondered, eyeing the stranger impassively. Even though Kaoru thought she knew him, he had definitely changed from whatever he used to be fifteen years ago.

_Unfortunately,_ Kenshin thought grimly, _she doesn't see that._

Kenshin's eyes narrowed as he continued to watch them. The stranger had said he had worked for the shogun. _Great._ Had he been one of the Shinsengumi? Was he really here to exact his own personal revenge against Battousai? Kenshin couldn't remember having encountered this man, but then again, there had been lots of crazy bastards in Kyoto who had hated him, and hunted him still. He saw the long walking stick lying on the ground next to the stranger, and enmity rose within his heart.

_If he dares to put her in any harm. . ._

Suddenly, his gaze was drawn to Kaoru. He couldn't believe at first what he was seeing, but it was true -- it was happening. His heart froze with shock. And pain.

Kaoru was reaching out to the stranger. Her palm was open, and her smile happy.

"_Okaeri,_" she whispered. _Welcome back._

There was a moment of silence. Then Kenshin watched as the man placed his hand in hers.

"Tadaima," he answered, his gaze fixed on her face.

"_Tadaima,_" Kenshin whispered to himself at the same time, his lips forming the words unconsciously. _I'm home._

He felt as if the layers of time had peeled away from the scene before him -- that he was watching a replay of the moment when she had welcomed him home after they had returned from Kyoto. . .when she had made him realize that he had finally found a home. The words were all the same, her smile just as bright, her eyes just as beautiful. And her hand just as open and trusting.

Except that the man who now held it wasn't him.

It was then that he felt it, the deep surge of pain within. And the fear that made it all much keener.

_I'm losing her._

But it was different, this fear. This time, he knew he was powerless. There was nothing he could do to bring her back to him. Because she didn't need rescuing. She was the one holding out her hand.

"Kaoru -- " he whispered brokenly, his hand lifting slightly from his side, as if to reach out to her. He could feel his heart calling her, desperately.

But this time, she didn't hear him. Instead, she helped the stranger to his feet, her hand still clasped in his.

Kenshin's hand fell back and hung limply at his side.

Suddenly the warmth had gone out of the afternoon.


	3. Intentions *revised*

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan

**Chapter Three: Intentions**

Kenshin opened his eyes drowsily. _What time is it?_ He knew he had to get up and make breakfast, but somehow, he couldn't bring himself to cast the covers away. He had gone to bed last night more tired than he had been in a while. _Why was that?_ he wondered, letting his eyes shut again gratefully and burrowing his face into the softness of the futon.

PAK, PAK, PAK. . .

His eyes snapped open. _What the heck was that?_

PAK, PAK, PAK. . .

Instantly, he got up, sakaba in hand, kicking the covers off carelessly. The sounds came from the direction of the dojo. Silently, he slid the door to his room open and moved quickly down the quiet hallway. Soft snoring sounds came to him faintly from Kaoru and Yahiko's rooms. They were both fast asleep. So what was that noise?

His steps quickened.

Finally, he reached the outer porch. He squinted his eyes against the pale early sunlight, his gaze focusing on the dojo.

PAK, PAK, PAK. . .

_What in the world. . .?_ he wondered, crossing the courtyard briskly. Suddenly, his eyes caught a movement on the dojo roof. He stopped abruptly and looked up.

He blinked once. Then another time.

There was a man on the roof.

The sounds had suddenly stopped. The man had noticed him as well.

Kenshin suddenly remembered everything.

The man brushed a lock of dark hair out of his eyes. He nodded curtly at Kenshin.

"Ohayou."

Kenshin took a while before returning his own, equally curt nod.

"Ohayou."

There was nothing else to be said. The hammering started again.

Kenshin turned on his heel and walked back to the house with as much dignity as he could muster, knowing that he was clad only in a drafty, wrinkled sleeping kimono and that his face was still puffy from sleep. He grit his teeth as the sunlight glared in his eyes again.

It was too early in the morning to have to deal with that man.

He remembered then why he had felt so tired. The night before, he had had to sit through dinner with Kaoru and Yahiko and. . .their guest. Kaoru had been the perfect hostess -- solicitous, graceful, entertaining -- attending to Ryou's every need. And Yahiko, upon learning that a master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was now going to stay with them -- indefinitely -- had gazed at Ryou with adoration in his eyes, hanging on his every word.

Kenshin, meanwhile, had found himself somewhat neglected. Not once had Kaoru looked at him directly, lowering her eyes every time she passed something to him. And as for the guest. . .

_Well, at least we both know where we stand,_ Kenshin thought grimly.

A veiled hostility, too subtle to be noticeable, but very real, existed between them. After the tender exchange in the courtyard, Kaoru had turned back to Kenshin with no small measure of uneasiness as she proceeded to introduce the two men to each other.

"Kenshin, this is Hasegawa Ryou. He was one of my father's former students. He'll be staying with us from now on," she had said, her nervousness seeping into her voice. "And this is Himura Kenshin, Ryou-nii-san. He's. . ." she had paused, uncertain of what to say next.

"Yes?" Ryou had prodded, his eyes already on Kenshin.

"He's a friend who lives here," she had finished lamely, unable to look at Kenshin afterwards.

"Ah. I see." Again he had raked Kenshin with his gaze from head to toe. Then a polite bow.

Kenshin had bowed back, not too low and not too long, bristling inside from the insult. Then he had excused himself and walked back to the house, ignoring the unfinished laundry sitting in the basket.

He was damned if he was going to let that man see him do the laundry.

Kenshin stepped up onto the outer porch, on his way back inside, seeing the laundry basket again. _I have to do that sometime today,_ he told himself wearily, going into the house and sliding the door shut behind him. His eyes welcomed the cool semi-darkness. The morning light was only a muted glow.

He rubbed his eyes, trying to open them fully. They felt like they were glued shut. He held the sakaba loosely in his hand as he trudged down the hallway, his feet padding softly against the wood.

_What time is it?_ he wondered absently. In the silence, the hammering echoed again.

_That bastard's up early._

He rounded the corner, trying to decide whether to crawl back into his futon for some more sleep, or to get dressed and start cooking breakfast, when something hit him forcefully and knocked him backwards onto the floor. His head hit the wood with a loud thud.

"Oroooo!" His eyes spun.

"Kenshin!" somebody gasped.

When he could focus again, he saw Kaoru leaning over him, her blue eyes wide with concern.

"Gomen, Kenshin. Daijoubu?" she asked, her hand on his arm.

He sat up shakily, the grin coming easily to his lips. He rubbed the back of his head as he nodded.

"Daijobu de gozaru yo, Kaoru-dono," he assured her.

Unconvinced, she leaned closer, her hand feeling the back of his head for any bumps.

Kenshin went completely still as her hand brushed his. . .as he felt her fingers thread through the loose mass of his hair. Her own dark braid hung tantalizingly near his cheek, and as he breathed in, he could smell a faint scent of flowers.

Unable to find any bumps, Kaoru sat back on her heels and looked at him. Her heart did a little flip-flop.

_He looks absolutely gorgeous,_ she thought, her eyes sweeping over him. His hair was unbound, and wave upon wave of red fell about his shoulders and shadowed his face. He was wearing a loosely belted sleeping kimono, which now hung open to the waist and afforded her a fantastic view of his chest. She let her eyes linger there for a moment before she looked at his face again. He was gazing back at her, his eyes still crinkly from sleep.

She found herself smiling at him.

"I caught you quite early today, ne, Kenshin?" she said softly.

"Too early," he answered, taking in the sight of her. "Why are you up already, Kaoru-dono?"

PAK, PAK, PAK. . .

"That," she said, tilting her head to the sound and frowning slightly. "I was wondering what that was."

"Oh. Well, don't bother going outside. It's just Ryou. He's fixing the roof of the dojo."

"Really?" her eyes widened.

"Really," he said abruptly. He noted the light, short sleeping kimono she wore, and how it gaped slightly at the front. He fervently wished she would take his word and not venture outside to see for herself. An idea popped into his head.

He rose smoothly from the floor, pulling her up gently with him.

"So, since you're up already, Kaoru-dono, why don't you go back to your room," he propelled her down the hallway back to her door, "and freshen up for breakfast? I'll come get you when it's ready. No rush, take your time, hai?"

"H-Hai," she stammered, startled and highly exultant at the feel of his hands at her waist. Once inside the room, she paused in sliding the door shut.

"See you then," she murmured.

"Hai," he answered, tearing his eyes from her face and willing his feet to start walking.

He had left his own door open. He slid it closed behind him, then proceeded to change into the gi and hakama he wore everyday. He folded up his futon, then looked at the sakaba which he had placed on the floor while he was dressing.

Normally, he would leave the sword in his room while he stayed home and did chores. However, with that man now in the house --

He picked it up and tucked it securely at his waist. He headed out to the kitchen.

* * *

Kaoru shrugged into a fresh kimono, sticking her arms through the wide sleeves and wrapping the garment close to her body. She picked up her sash and wound it around her waist, tying it securely with an elaborate bow. Then she knelt before her mirror and slowly unwound her braid.

Ryou-nii-san was fixing the dojo roof. _How like him to notice things so quickly,_ she thought, her fingers parting the braid into silky locks of hair. That roof had been needing repairs for a while. She wondered why Kenshin hadn't thought of fixing it sooner.

_He just never got around to it, _she told herself. _You keep him so busy with all the chores, that's why. Poor man. Well, now that Ryou-nii-san is here --_

Her fingers fell away from her hair. She looked at herself somberly in the mirror.

_Now that he's here, now what? _She hadn't thought much about how his arrival would affect their lives -- she hadn't even gotten used to the fact that he was now back at the dojo to stay. Well, at least finally somebody could help her out with the sad state of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. Her eyes brightened.

_Finally -- I don't have to go to another dojo to practice anymore! _she thought. _Ryou-nii-san can practice with me! Then I'll finally finish my training. And he can also teach Yahiko and -- and if Yahiko, then why not other students? Then maybe more students will come --_

She heard noises coming from the kitchen. Kenshin was making breakfast.

Her excitement dissipated as she thought of him.

It was so very obvious that Kenshin and Ryou did not get along. She didn't know why. But she was aware of the tension between them, of the almost palpable hostility crackling in the air whenever they were within sight of each other. It had been that way in the courtyard when they had first met, and it had been the same at dinner last night.

She sighed. Dinner had been a total disaster. Kenshin had been moodily silent the whole time, which had set her on edge. She had been so nervous, she had chattered and giggled herself senseless throughout the whole meal.

_I must have looked like a complete idiot last night, _she thought wearily. With dread, she tried to picture breakfast.

_Men!_ she huffed inwardly, exasperated. _Why can't they just behave themselves? _Ryou had impeccable manners, and he usually displayed them, just not towards Kenshin. And Kenshin --

The unfailingly polite rurouni, who "dono"-ed everybody in town, blatantly kept failing to do so in Ryou's case. _Come to think of it, _Kaoru mused, _he doesn't even call Ryou-nii-san "san"!_

Kaoru reached for her brush, giving up. She would never understand, probably, why those two seemed so intent on not liking each other. She smoothed out the tangles in her hair and reached for her favorite blue ribbon. As she held the silky fabric between her fingertips, she remembered how it had once been stained with blood. His blood.

They'd been through so much, she and Kenshin. So much, but they were still apart.

Feeling the familiar sadness creep over her, she reminded herself of the promise she had made the day before --of how she had resolved to start getting over her infatuation with him.

_That's the sensible thing to do, _she told herself, _and that's what you're gonna do today. Just go about your business -- don't think about him, don't keep looking for him._

Then a fresh memory of how he had looked just moments ago intruded upon her thoughts.

"It's useless," she said aloud.

Because it wasn't just an infatuation. She pressed the ribbon to her lips tenderly, and closed her eyes.

"Kaoru-dono?" The voice came from outside her door.

She snapped out of her reverie, and hastily gathered her hair into a ponytail, tying the ribbon around it. She got up and quickly opened the door, blushing furiously.

"Breakfast is ready," he said.

She looked into his smiling violet eyes.

"Let's eat," she replied happily, smiling back at him.

* * *

Ryou frowned with exertion as he hammered the nail into place. The plank of wood now sat squarely over one of the holes in the roof. He tossed the rotten timbers to the side, and wiped the sweat off his brow.

The morning was warming up. He could feel the humid air creeping on. He looked across the expanse of the roof before him. There were still holes here and there, but he'd taken care of most of them. _Good._ At least he was near to completing his first task for the day.

And what was his next task? The inside of the dojo. The ceiling needed patching up, too. Then, after that, the house. He would replace the paper screens and repaint the exterior walls. Then, the most difficult repair of all: the state of the school.

He closed his eyes briefly. There wasn't enough daylight left in the day to finish all the repairs, but he knew he would eventually get them all done. Even if it took him weeks. But the condition of the school was something else.

_How to restore honor lost?_ he asked himself. _Especially if you're the one responsible for the dishonor._ It was his fault Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was now in this state -- the dojo abandoned, his master's legacy forgotten.

_I will get it done, Master,_ he swore in his heart. _I will restore honor to your school._

"Ryou-nii-chan!"

The cry came from below. He looked down and saw Kaoru waving up at him.

"Kaoru-chan! Ohayou," he greeted her warmly.

"Ohayou. And. . .arigatou. For the roof."

"I was glad to do it."

She smiled for a moment, then beckoned him to come down.

"Hai," he answered cheerfully. "I'll be right there."

"Don't be too long," she called out, then started walking back to the house.

He watched her leave.

_Ah, Kaoru-chan, _he thought. _You're all grown up now._

The woman who had just greeted him was a far cry from the wide-eyed, giggly child he had played with long ago. Kaoru had grown into a strong woman, independent and resilient enough to have survived all those years alone.

_And beautiful, too._ He started putting away his tools. _I might as well admit it to myself,_ he thought. _She _is _stunning._

He wondered again why Kaoru was not yet married, or engaged, at the very least. She was at the perfect age. She came from a good family. There should be hordes of suitors lining up at the door.

Then he suddenly remembered.

_Battousai._

His eyes narrowed as he remembered the man who had stared at him so fiercely the moment he had arrived at the dojo. Red hair, and the cross scar. It had taken him a few moments to get over his shock at finding the Hitokiri Battousai, of all people, standing in the courtyard of Kamiya dojo. Of all places.

The most ruthless assassin of the Bakumatsu, living at the dojo! Ryou's head still spun from all the questions and suspicions that had clouded his mind since his arrival. _What had Kaoru called Battousai? Oh yes -- 'a friend who lives here.'_ Ryou shook his head.

_Leave it to Kaoru-chan to be so trusting. To befriend the Hitokiri Battousai! And then offer him lodging!_

_Thank god I arrived here when I did!_ he thought to himself. _Sometimes, that girl is too compassionate for her own good. Does she even know the kind of man he truly is? The monster that sleeps down the hallway from her every night?_

He thought of Kaoru alone in the house with Battousai, and he shivered slightly.

_Is that why nobody has come to ask for her hand? _he wondered. _Because it's already spoken for?_

He knew Battousai thought of her as his own. He had read it in the piercingly threatening eyes, in the way he had shielded her with his body in the courtyard, in the cold hostility. And most notably, in the ominous silence at dinner last night, the silence that had nevertheless carried a clear warning:

_'She's mine. Back off.'_

_That's where you're wrong, Battousai, _Ryou thought. He picked up his walking stick, which had been laying next to him on the roof, and climbed down the ladder with taut agility.

_She's not yours. She never will be. You have no right to claim her, you dirty murdering bastard. She deserves a far better man than you, and you know it._

_I don't know why you're here, but I don't care. I would never have expected to be back here in my life. It was my destiny to return here. It was fate that made us meet._

_It is my duty to destroy you, Battousai. My duty and my destiny. I have failed in obeying my Master, failed in defending my Lord Shogun, failed in protecting Kaoru-chan. But the chance to atone for that dishonor has been given into my hands, and I see it so clearly now. In destroying you, I will have avenged them all._

_I know my duty._

He gripped the walking stick, the hidden katana that never left his side.

_By all the gods, and upon my life and my honor, I will see it done._


	4. Drifting Apart *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Four: Drifting Apart**

Kaoru dipped her brush into the bucket and watched it soak up a thick coat of paint. Carefully, she lifted the brush and swept it down the wall. An even layer of white shone spotlessly on the weather-beaten concrete.

"That looks so good," she breathed to herself admiringly. She swirled her brush briskly in the paint, mixing it. She applied another layer on the wall, taking care to keep the edges straight. A lock of hair escaped her ponytail and touched her cheek. She brushed it away with the back of her hand. Dipping the brush into the paint again, she let her hand flow up and down the wall in strong, controlled strokes.

"Wow, you're really into this, aren't you?" Ryou remarked, his own brush poised above his bucket of paint.

She glanced at him and smiled.

"I've forgotten how much fun it is to paint something! I don't know if you remember, but Grandpa used to paint, and sometimes he would let me do some finger painting while he did his work. But that was a long time ago."

"Now that I think about it. . ." Ryou said, a slow, teasing grin spreading on his lips, ". . .didn't you use to give me a little note every afternoon, before I would go home? I remember you would always leave a thumbprint on the corner, in a different color each time." He paused, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Do you remember what else you used to write on those notes?"

Suddenly Kaoru felt her cheeks getting hot.

"Of course not!" she retorted, clacking her brush noisily in the bucket and hastily starting another layer on the wall. "Those were just silly little things. . .and come on, Nii-chan! I was five years old!"

His eyes took on a wounded look. "_Silly little things? _That's all they were to you? And here I was, treasuring the memory of them for god knows how many years! They were very sweet, you know. They were always signed, _love, Kaoru-chan._ With that colorful little thumbprint next to your name."

She shrugged, trying to hide the fact that his gaze was somehow making her cheeks flame even more. "I told you I loved paint," she said nonchalantly, focusing her attention on the wall.

Suddenly, he leaned close. Her brush froze in mid-stroke. His finger gently rubbed something off her cheek.

"I can see that," he murmured, the pressure of his fingertip lightening to a caress. "You have it all over you."

She looked up at him, and found herself staring into deep brown eyes. An old, familiar warmth began to blossom in her chest. At that moment, she began to remember what it felt like to be with him. He had always seemed so tall and so strong. She had used to run across the courtyard, straight into his arms, the moment he appeared at the gate in the morning.

She remembered what that had felt like. Strong arms around her, those eyes greeting her with a smile. It had been one of the safest places in her world.

_His eyes are still the same, _she thought. _And he still likes to tease me. He's really back. Ryou-nii-chan is finally back home._

He brushed some caked paint off her hair.

"What would your mother say if she saw you now? She always used to get mad at me because you would always get your kimono all dirty and dusty whenever we played together."

"Mother was the perfect lady," she replied, her voice suddenly becoming subdued. "I don't think I'll ever come close to becoming what she was." She dunked her brush into the paint and stirred it listlessly. "Sometimes I wonder about that too, you know. . .what she would say if she saw me now."

She fell silent. He glanced at her for a moment, then continued painting. His brush moved smoothly over the wall.

"And what kind of answer do you come up with?" he asked.

She sighed. "_Disappointed_, I think."

"Then you didn't know your mother very well."

She stared at him in surprise.

He slipped his brush back into his bucket, then looked at her squarely.

"Your mother never wanted you to grow up to be a porcelain-delicate lady lounging around the house, Kaoru-chan. Why do you suppose she let you learn kenjutsu? Because she wanted you to be strong. But wait a minute." He reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "What makes you think you'd be such a disappointment to her, anyway? I see before me a very accomplished young lady."

She regarded him through narrowed, exasperated eyes.

"Ryou-nii-chan. The word _accomplished_ usually describes young ladies who can cook, sew, sing, and play musical instruments. As you will soon discover, the term can't possibly be applied to me."

"That's just somebody's idea of what _accomplished_ should be."

"And _your_ idea of an accomplished girl is?"

"Mine? Simply a girl who has decided what kind of woman she would like to become -- and who then strives to transform herself into that woman." He shrugged. "There really isn't a list of accomplishments you need to fulfill, Kaoru-chan. What's important is to decide what kind of woman you'd like to be. Then do your best to become that woman."

She stared down at the bucket in her hand.

The surface of the paint was white and glossy, and the angle of the morning sun was such that she could see the faint outline of her shadow upon it. She thought about what Ryou had just said.

_What kind of woman would I like to be?_

Suddenly one of the outer doors of the house slid open. Kaoru glanced behind her shoulder. Kenshin emerged from the hallway, carrying a large bin of laundry. His steps slowed to a halt. He spotted the two of them immediately. Over the pile of clothes in his arms, his eyes met hers. His face was perfectly expressionless.

He turned and walked silently down to the end of the porch.

Kaoru's eyes followed him. Suddenly she knew the answer in her heart.

_I want to be a woman that Kenshin can love. I want to be someone he'll fall in love with, someone he can be passionate about and be totally honest with. I want to be the woman he comes home to, always._

_But who is that? _she asked herself, tortured. _What kind of woman is that?_

She didn't have the answer to that. But she didn't care. No matter what it took, no matter what she had to do, she swore she'd _make_ herself become that woman. She'd learn anything, do anything, change everything about herself if it meant becoming a woman who could win his love.

Lost in her thoughts, she was unaware that Ryou was watching her quietly. He had noted the way her eyes had been drawn to Battousai the moment he had appeared. He observed the play of expressions on her face.

_She loves him_, he realized with cold certainty. It was all there, plainly evident -- in the slight tilt of her head as she stared off toward the porch, in the naked yearning in her eyes. He drew in a slow, calming breath, and picked his brush up out of the pail. He began painting another layer, his strokes bold and tightly controlled.

He wanted to shake her, scream at her, somehow put some sense into her._ What's wrong with you? _he wanted to shout at her. _How can you possibly feel anything for that murderer?_

_How can you possibly. . ._

Pain suddenly punctuated his rising fury, as he stared at the back of her head. He remembered how her hair had used to feel, soft and glossy under his fingers. He remembered how her eyes had used to search only for him. How she had always wanted to be by his side.

_You're mine_, he thought desperately. _We were always together. How can you look at him that way? Wasn't it me you always waited for? Me you always wanted to see?_

_You used to have that look in your eyes only for me._

He tossed the brush back into the bucket. The metal clanged loudly, jolting Kaoru's attention back to him.

"Nii-chan?" She looked at him questioningly.

He couldn't bring himself to look at her.

"I'm taking a short break," he muttered, already beginning to stride away from her. "You should too."

She stared at his back.

"Uh. . .alright. . ." Her words trailed off as she watched him disappear through the gate.

_Maybe he's tired already,_ she told herself. Her eyes scanned the walls surrounding the courtyard. _Oh well. We're almost done this side anyway. I can finish off this part by myself._

The newly-tiled dojo roof glinted in the sunlight. She looked up at it happily.

_See that, Father? Looks like new, doesn't it? Ryou-nii-chan did it all by himself. He's still the same, you know. He still cares a lot about this school. He may have disobeyed you back then, but now, he's more than making up for it. The house has never looked better. And new students are coming in, too._

_Are you watching over us, Father? Are you happy with what you see?_

"I know I am," she whispered.

Suddenly, she became aware that somebody was watching her. She turned her head slightly and met Kenshin's gaze.

"Oh. . .hi," she called out, setting the bucket of paint down on the ground and walking towards him.

"Hi," he mumbled, averting his eyes from hers and taking a piece of clothing from the pile beside him. He sunk it into the wash basin.

"Laundry for the week?"

"Yeah."

She eyed him, frowning slightly.

"Kenshin? Something wrong?"

He glanced up from the basin.

"Huh? Oh, no, nothing at all. Sorry -- did you want to talk about something?"

She shook her head. "Not really."

He immediately turned his attention back to the cloth in his hand. She stared at his bowed head. Even though he sat only a few feet from her, she suddenly had the disturbing feeling that he was slowly moving farther and farther away. With each second of silence, she felt him receding into some place within himself that she could not reach.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked him quietly.

He looked up, his eyes blank. "I'm sorry?"

"I was just wondering," she went on hastily, "what do you think about while you do the laundry? You do it so often, but you never complain, and you're always so. . .quiet when you do it. I was just wondering --"

"Nothing, really," he answered, cutting her off. He went on scrubbing the cloth. "I don't really think about anything in particular. It's just quiet time."

"Oh." She nodded slowly, feeling like an idiot. "I see." She clasped her hands together and gave him a bright smile. "Well, I'll be making lunch for today, so don't worry about it, okay?"

That got his attention. His eyes widened with surprise. He dropped the cloth into the water and hastily wiped his hands on his hakama. He started to get up from his stool.

"Oh, no, Kaoru-dono, you really don't have to bother yourself with that! I've got all the ingredients chopped up and ready. In fact, I'll just go throw them in the pot now --"

"I've already decided," she said firmly, reaching out and clamping her hand on his shoulder. She pushed him back onto the stool. "You stay here and enjoy your _quiet time_. Oh, just one favor? Can you go invite Megumi to lunch? I don't think she's met Ryou-nii-chan yet."

He was suddenly silent.

"Kenshin?"

"Sure," he answered, his tone flat. His hand reached back into the basin and grabbed the floating cloth. He began to scrub it studiously.

_What _is_ his problem?_ Kaoru thought with exasperation. _First Nii-chan, now him!_

She sighed heavily and stepped up onto the porch, heading for the kitchen.

* * *

Kenshin walked briskly down the street, feeling the wind seep into his hair. He breathed in deeply, and felt his head begin to cool off.

He was more than happy to comply with Kaoru's request. The moment he had seen the two of them at that wall, that man leaning far too close to her, he had felt a surge of anger so overwhelming that for a moment he had forgotten where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.

A prickling sensation spread on his neck at the memory, anger and disgust still coursing through his veins. It had been like watching a slug creep onto a flower.

But in this case, the flower didn't seem to mind. He remembered how brilliant her smile had been when she had informed him she was going to make lunch. _Lunch! _he thought incredulously. Nowadays she never cooked of her own accord. She was always willing to let him take care of things. But this time, she actually seemed delighted to do it herself. And she was even inviting guests.

_That's right. It's _Ryou-nii-chan's_ social debut._

_Ryou-nii-chan_. He shuddered. Every time he heard her say that name, he felt a slow, irrational fury beginning to build inside. It was a feeling that was fast becoming familiar to him, since it was never given a chance to dissipate. The house was not that large. Around a corner, on the porch, or in the courtyard outside. . .if he didn't encounter Ryou, he would encounter Kaoru. . .who would inevitably talk about Ryou.

Ryou-_nii-chan._

He took another deep breath, letting his thoughts run free.

_Yes, I admit it! _he shouted in his mind. _I'm furious. I don't like him being here. I don't like it that he's near her all the time. But I'm more angry with her._ _How can she like being with him? Can't she see he looks like a liar? I don't understand her at all._

He was nearing the busy marketplace.

_I might as well buy something to eat,_ he grumbled to himself. _I don't think I'll be able to eat much at lunch. Let's see. . . what would be good? Something nice and chewy. I feel like chewing. I feel like I've been grinding my teeth a lot lately._

"I wonder if they have any jerky here," he muttered, his eyes scanning the goods laid out in the stalls.

Suddenly somebody called out his name.

"Kenshin! Over here!"

He looked up and saw the fish lady waving him over. He forced a smile onto his face and made his way to her stall.

"How are you today, Senko-dono?" he greeted her politely.

"Just great, Kenshin! Just great! About as great as these fish here! See how they're all bright-eyed and kicking? They just came in with the early morning catch. How about it?" Her hand swept back and forth wildly over the fish, shooing the flies away.

"Actually, Kaoru-dono's the one who's doing the cooking today. . .and I don't really know what she has planned, so. . ." His words trailed off as he watched her grab a small woven bag and promptly slide a fish inside. She thrust the bag at him.

"Here, take it. Don't worry, Kaoru-chan will thank you for it. I know cooking doesn't come easy to everyone, and she's only a young girl, but. . .oh, just take it. It's always good to have a spare one, just in case, right?"

Kenshin stared at the bag.

"Uh. . .thank you, but. . ."

"Here." She reached for his hand and slung the handles of the bag onto his fingers. She patted his hand, winking at him. "Don't worry, I know. I've heard stories. Didn't she set the kitchen on fire once?"

He sighed, deciding not to comment. "Thank you for being so thoughtful, Senko-dono. How much do I owe you?"

She waved him away. "Forget about it. Think of it as a bonus. You're a favorite customer." She paused. Kenshin bowed and started to walk away. "Oh, by the way. . ."

He stopped and looked back at her. "Yes?"

"How is Kaoru-chan's handsome young man doing? Has he settled in already?"

Kenshin frowned.

"I'm not sure I know who you mean," he said slowly.

"Oh, you know. That charming young man. What's his name again? I saw him walking here with her the other day. They looked so adorable together! She even introduced him to me, but I've forgotten his name. . .oh dear, what was it now? Let's see. . .Ru something or other, I think --"

"Senko-dono," he cut in, "please excuse me, but I must be going." Without waiting for her to answer, he turned and strode away from the stall. He gripped the woven handles of the basket and set off down the street at a rapid pace, his ire mounting with each step.

_If I hear another word. . ._

"Kenshin!"

He stopped abruptly, closing his eyes for a moment.

_Who is it now? _he wondered irritatedly. He heard footsteps approaching swiftly, beating the earth behind him. He half turned to see who it was. Suddenly something crashed into him. He stumbled backwards, the basket flying out of his hand. He watched the fish go flying, silver and shiny, through the air.

"Oroooo!" His head smacked against the ground. He felt a whoosh of air go past him. Suddenly he heard a yell.

"I got it! I caught it! Kenshin, look!"

He raised his head and blinked the double vision away. When the two images in front of him settled into one, he found himself staring at Yahiko.

"Yahiko!" he exclaimed sharply, the name a rebuke.

Yahiko's smile faded.

"I didn't mean to knock you down, you know!" he snapped defensively. "Jeez. . .at least I caught the fish!"

Kenshin slowly pushed himself back onto his feet. He dusted his hakama off and stared down at the boy. Yahiko was carrying the basket in his arms, the fish safely inside it. Kenshin took the basket from him and slipped the handles over his wrist.

"What are you doing in town?" he muttered crankily, rubbing the back of his head. "Aren't you supposed to be at the dojo practicing?"

"No," Yahiko answered, his tone still sulky. They walked on in silence -- Yahiko bristling, Kenshin perfectly content not to say anything. Finally Yahiko continued, unable to stand the quiet, "Ryou-sensei told me I could have the morning off. He's happy 'cause I brought in three kids I know to start lessons at the dojo."

"You brought in three of your friends? Did you just meet them?"

"No, I've known them for a long time."

"Why didn't you bring them in before, then? You know how Kaoru-dono's been worrying about her father's school."

"Baka," Yahiko retorted. "Of course I couldn't have them come in before. There wasn't a master at the dojo before!"

"Kaoru-dono's an adjutant-master --"

"That's not the same thing!" Yahiko rolled his eyes. "Come on, Kenshin, _you_ should know. It's different when you have a totally cool, awesome guy as your master. You know, like Hiko-san. Ryou-sensei's _a lot_ like him."

Kenshin snorted. "Right."

"You don't know! Ryou-sensei is so great at kenjutsu, Kenshin! I mean, with all those lame moves that Busu is always making me do, I've been starting to think that Kamiya Kasshin Ryu isn't all that great. But _was I wrong!_ You have to see him, Kenshin! Just the way he draws his sword. . .it's awesome! And the other day. . ."

Kenshin stopped walking. Yahiko stared up at him.

"You can go ahead, you know," Kenshin told him. "I have to go to the clinic to invite Megumi-dono to lunch."

"I'll walk with you."

"That's fine with me. But just one thing. Can we _not_ talk about Ryou for now?"

Yahiko studied his face for a minute. "You don't like him, huh?"

"I didn't say that."

Yahiko shrugged. "Whatever. You really _should_ like him, though, you know. He really cares about Busu a lot."

Kenshin gave him a warning look, then set off down the street without another word.

"Alright, I'll shut up!" Yahiko called out, hurrying to catch up with him.

* * *

Kaoru heard the gate swing open. Hurriedly, she untied the cord that held her sleeves back. She smoothed the silk down her arms and lightly patted the long, pearl-edged pin that held her hair in place.

_Ready_. She turned toward the door that led to the porch, her hand reaching for the doorframe.

Suddenly it slid open. She stopped short.

Kenshin stared at her, his hand still on the door. Behind him, Megumi and Dr. Genzai stood waiting. They spotted her and waved hello.

Kenshin remained where he was, his eyes fixed on her face.

"Hey, Kenshin! Hurry up! What are you blocking the doorway for?" Yahiko's irate voice cut into the silence.

She tore her eyes away from his and stepped backward into the kitchen. "Come in, come in," she greeted them with a smile. "Thank you for coming."

Kenshin stepped inside without a word, placing the basket in his hand on the kitchen table. She stared at it.

"What's that, Kenshin?"

"Fish."

She frowned. "But I didn't tell you --"

"Senko-dono gave it to me. For free. We can have it for dinner."

"Uh. . .okay." She stared at him, unsettled by the curtness in his tone.

"Kaoru-chan, don't you look pretty today!" Dr. Genzai cut in with a chuckle. "I apologize for coming uninvited. Megumi here insisted that I tag along. Is there a special occasion I haven't heard about?"

Kaoru shook her head, smiling. "Oh no, actually --"

"Actually. . .she wants us to meet someone," Megumi interrupted smoothly. "Isn't that right, Kaoru-san? Today is some sort of acquaintance party, isn't it?"

"Well, it's really not a party, but. . .Dr. Genzai is right. I _do_ want you to meet Ryou-nii-san."

Megumi arched a brow.

Kenshin finished putting away the fish. Kaoru watched him head straight for the door.

"I'm going to finish the laundry," he told her without turning his back.

She stared after him, startled speechless and completely puzzled by his behavior. "Wait!" she protested, causing him to pause. "Lunch is ready, Kenshin. Can't the laundry wait until later?"

Megumi sidled over to his side and linked her arm with his.

"That's right, Ken-san," she murmured. "Why don't you forget about the laundry for now and escort me to the table instead?"

He was silent for a moment, then turned around. His shoulders seemed weighed down.

"Alright," he acquiesced. With Megumi on his arm, he left the kitchen without another glance in Kaoru's direction.

She watched them go.

"Sa, Kaoru-chan. . ."

She turned her head, and found Dr. Genzai peering up at her with a smile.

"Shall we?" He offered her his arm. "I think I remember Ryou-kun. He was a tall, skinny boy, wasn't he -- always at the dojo, always with your father?"

"Yes, that's him," she said, smiling, allowing herself to be led out of the kitchen. "I'm glad you remember him." They walked down the hallway. She could see the open doorway of the living room, which also served as a formal dining area. Kenshin and Megumi had already gone inside.

Rapid footsteps broke into the silence. Suddenly, Ryou came rushing in from the other end of the hallway.

"Sorry for --" He came to a halt a few feet from her. His eyes moved slowly over her face.

"You look beautiful," he breathed.

She blushed. "Uh. . .thanks," she mumbled. Her eyes perked up. "You're. . .uh. . .j-just in time for. . ."

Her stammering words trailed off as she watched him reach out and let a lock of her hair sweep lightly against his fingers.

"It's like silk," he murmured. He looked at the gleaming pearl tip of the pin. "Your mother's, right?"

She smiled, her nervousness seeping away. "Right."

He touched her cheek. "I'm sure she'd approve."

The touch lasted an instant, but its warmth lingered on her skin, spreading like a slow burn and wrapping around her heart._ What is this? _she asked herself, her eyes still held to his. _Why do I feel as if I've just come home? As if I'm perfectly safe, perfectly where I belong? As if everything will be alright from now on?_

"Still quite the charmer, aren't you, Ryou-kun?" Dr. Genzai cut in wryly. Realizing that she had been staring at Ryou the whole time, Kaoru turned to Dr. Genzai with a hasty, embarrassed smile.

"I don't think I need to introduce you two. It looks like Dr. Genzai remembers you pretty well, Nii-san."

Ryou grinned and bowed to the old doctor with exaggerated graveness. "I'm glad to see that you're as young and fit as ever, sensei."

Dr. Genzai shook his head. "A charmer indeed."

"Just good manners," Ryou answered, turning to Kaoru with a smile. "I'm sorry for being late, Kaoru-chan. I ended up walking farther than I intended. Good thing Yahiko came out looking for me."

"You're not late. We were just about to start." She turned to Dr. Genzai. "Shall we go? Today's lunch is my special effort."

"By all means," the old man replied. He took Kaoru's hand and promptly deposited it in Ryou's. The two young people stared at him in surprise. He chuckled and began walking down the hallway.

Ryou looked down at her with a smile.

"You made lunch today, huh?"

"It's not that fabulous, really. Just veggies and smoked fish."

"Which you cooked especially for us. Let's go. I can't wait to see what you've prepared."

He turned around, her hand clasped in his. She stared down at their joined hands for a moment. His grip was firm and confident -- not too tight, not too loose. Suddenly she realized he hadn't moved.

She looked up at him. He was staring at something ahead. She followed his gaze and found herself staring at Kenshin.

He was standing silently in the doorway of the living room, his eyes only on her.

"Megumi-dono and Dr. Genzai are waiting," he informed her flatly. "If you could please hurry."

The hardness of his tone chilled her heart. Hastily she pulled her hand from Ryou's grasp.

"Right. Sorry." She walked briskly down the hallway, looking back at Ryou. "Come on, Nii-chan. Kenshin's right. I've kept everyone waiting." She rushed past Kenshin into the living room.

Her apologies echoed into the hallway. Ryou remained where he was, pinned by one last, malevolent look from Kenshin.

Kenshin disappeared into the room. A long moment passed. Then Ryou calmly followed him.

* * *

He had seen everything.

Kenshin sat on his stool, staring intently at the wide bin of water before him. From the rippled water, his face looked up at him, the eyes hatefully glaring and furious. But he was not seeing that face. At that moment, the image that filled his mind was. . ._hers._ Her hair -- the way it had been pulled up and piled elegantly on her head, leaving the milky skin at her nape bare. Her face. Her beautiful, beautiful eyes.

_God, she's so beautiful._

His mind had gone completely blank the moment he had seen her in the kitchen that morning. For several seconds, all he had been able to do was gawk at her. Thankfully he had been able to keep his face still. Nevertheless, his heart had raced, and there had been an indescribable tenderness within him that had seemed to come closer to shattering the longer he stared at her face. It had been painful for him to look at her -- to admit her beauty, to acknowledge the yearning surging within him which he had tried to suppress.

Then he had remembered why she had taken such care with her appearance. In that instant, the fragile emotion coiling up within him shattered, leaving him with the old, familiar pain -- the pain which kept them apart.

Staring at them, at that man who touched her so familiarly, hearing their easy laughter -- he had felt, more keenly than ever, that he was an outsider, a mere passer-by in her life. He never had moments like that with her. He could never bring her the warmth of old, shared memories, of inside jokes, of the recollection of a world which he had never been part of. Her parents, her past, who she was. . .he knew so very little about her. She was always trying to be strong in front of him.

But when she was with that man, she was somebody else. The worry, the desperate determination would slip from her eyes, and her lips would lift effortlessly in a light, happy smile.

_That's who you really are, Kaoru. That's who you were before the war came, before your parents died, before you ever met me._ _ I want you to be that way again._

_But you're only that way when you're with him._

He felt the anger begin to stir within him again, but the sadness clamped over it and numbed it swiftly. He had always known it would be like this. He had told her, from the beginning, that he could not guarantee that he would stay. He was still searching, searching for an answer -- an answer which she could not possibly give him. A forgiveness which probably would never come.

He knew she could sense his torment. That was why her eyes were always troubled, shaded with uncertainty, whenever she looked at him. That was also why she had that perpetually determined tightness in her jaw, that reckless bravery that made her seem so strong. It was all so useless. No matter how hard she tried, she could never answer his questions for him. She could never change the truth of who he was, nor erase the consequences of what he had done.

_I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. All I know is what I remember. . .what I can't forget. . ._

Kaoru's face faded, and the image that always lingered in the back of his mind surfaced with vivid intensity. He closed his eyes, _remembering. . ._skin made cold by the wind, hair splayed out against the snow. . .and terrible, terrible warmth soaking onto his hands as he clutched her to him. . .

He opened his eyes, staring once more at the basin. His breath caught. In the soft, floating liquid, he saw silk, torn by a sword and dyed through with blood. His hands shook. He bowed his head, an unbearable pain twisting his heart.

_I'll never forget. As long as I live, I'll never forget. . ._

And because he never would, he could never make Kaoru happy.

_Do you want to know what I think about when I do the laundry, Kaoru? This. This is what I end up thinking about, no matter how beautiful the day is, or how happy I am to have you near me. I've told you about her, but you don't really know what it's like to remember. . .again and again, the same nightmare. . . I don't think this pain inside will ever go away. That's why I want you to stop trying. Stop trying so hard. It makes you sad and it hurts you and I hate it. But I can't change the way I am._

_I can't make you happy._

"Oi."

He looked up to see Sano's head poking out from behind the laundry pile.

"What the hell is this?" Sano gestured to the pile. "Are you doing the students' laundry too?"

"No, of course not," he answered, closing off the anguish in his heart and briskly picking out a garment from the pile. "I only wash clothes for the people who _live here._ Right, Sano?"

"Hey, hey. It's not like I dump my laundry on you often. Just once or twice a year."

"Exactly," Kenshin muttered, scrubbing on.

Sano plopped down on the porch and leaned his back comfortably against a post. The familiar fishbone was sticking out of his mouth.

"God, Kenshin, you look like a wash woman. Your hair's all ratty, you're splattered with water -- "

"Sano, I _am_ the wash -- _person_ -- around here."

"That's right, you are. And the man of the house is now -- Ryou, right?"

Kenshin shot him a warning glance.

". . .Man of the house, Jo-chan's escort, Yahiko's idol -- that's what Ryou is now, right?" Sano continued, unperturbed by the glint in Kenshin's eye. "But wait -- didn't you use to be all those things, Kenshin?"

"Sano -- "

Sano cut him off.

"So why is it that every time I see Jo-chan, it's always Ryou with her, never you? Every time she gets dressed up, it's always Ryou I hear telling her how pretty she is -- and not a word from you? Huh? And why is it every time Yahiko opens his mouth, it's all about how cool and smooth Ryou is, not you? I don't even hear him say he wants to learn Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu anymore!"

"Well, that's good -- "

Sano grasped Kenshin by the shoulders and shook him back and forth.

"NO -- IT'S -- NOT -- GOOD, -- KENSHIN!" he yelled. "What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see what I'm getting at?"

Kenshin's head flopped back and forth, his eyes spinning wildly.

"Oroooooo!"

"Oh, god," Sano rolled his eyes and let go of the dizzy rurouni, who promptly fell backwards onto the porch.

"Snap out of it," Sano said impatiently. He looked down at Kenshin, whose eyes were still swirling. "Just look at you. If you weren't such a good friend, I would just leave you there and go drag Ryou to the gambling place and win myself some money. "

At that, Kenshin sobered, sat up and slowly began scrubbing again. " Go right ahead," he muttered. "Don't let me keep you from your fun."

Sano didn't know whether to shake Kenshin again or to cry his frustration out. Gritting his teeth, he took a deep breath and started speaking slowly.

"Okay, Kenshin, I'm gonna try one more time. You keep your mouth shut and listen till I'm done. I don't want to hear one 'Oro!' out of you, you understand?"

Kenshin said nothing.

"Now," Sano continued, "Ryou's done a lot of good for Jo-chan, and I think that's just swell. The man's a good gambler, and I sure as hell think that's fantastic. But what's not fantastic is seeing him push you out of Jo-chan's life. I don't like seeing him take your place, Kenshin. It should be you taking Jo-chan around. It should be you telling her how pretty she is. It should be you -- "

"That's just how _you_ think things should be," Kenshin cut in.

"DO I HEAR YOU TALKING?" Sano screeched. He watched Kenshin close his mouth obediently. "Good. Shut that mouth, because what I'm hearing right now is complete bullshit. Do you hear yourself, Kenshin? 'That's just how _I_ think things should be?' How the _hell_ do _you_ think things should be? I thought you love her. Don't you want to be the one taking her around? Don't you want to be the one she makes herself pretty for?"

The memory of that morning jabbed at his heart. "I'm not that person, Sano. She doesn't think of me that way."

"_She doesn't -- "_ Sano sputtered incredulously, near to choking him. "I've had it with you! Open those glinty eyes of yours, Kenshin! Who did that poor girl follow all the way to Kyoto? Who did she spend days crying over? Who does she keep worrying about and thinking of and believing in? Not me, not that bastard Aoshi, but you! I'd say that's pretty much first place in her life! And now that some man's trying to push you over and win her, where is your sorry ass to be found? Sitting here, doing the goddamn laundry!"

Kenshin was silent for a moment, then he dropped the cloth he had been scrubbing into the water, and let his shoulders fall.

"I don't know. I just. . .I don't think she'd be happy with me."

Seeing the bowed head, Sano felt his irritation seep away. He sighed heavily.

"What am I gonna do with you, Kenshin?"

The shoulders drooped even lower, and Sano could tell that the old self-loathing was weighing his friend down again. He jabbed Kenshin with his foot.

"Oi! I don't wanna hear any of that 'I don't deserve her' crap again, you understand? Now, first things first. First, you gotta stop acting like you're the maid around here. Fix your hair. And get rid of that awful gi you have on."

"I only own two, Sano. And I don't have any money at the moment because _somebody_ -- " he looked at Sano meaningfully, "hasn't paid me back yet!"

Sano grinned.

"Really? What a rat -- whoever he is! Don't worry, though, since _I_ just won a pot of money lately, I'll buy you a new gi today. How's that? Wanna go shopping?"

Kenshin thought of Sano's dreadful taste in clothing. He held up his hands.

"Uh, that's alright. You don't need to bother, really!" He changed the topic quickly. "By the way, why are you doing this? I thought you were a big fan of Ryou."

"Like I said, Ryou's alright. But I don't want to see him win Jo-chan and kick you out of her life, Kenshin. Because you belong there." Sano paused and chewed on the fishbone thoughtfully. "Besides," he added, "he happens to be good friends with Saitou, did you know that?"

"What?"

"Yup. Imagine my surprise. I bumped into Ryou and Jo-chan one day downtown. Guess who else did. That lowlife Saitou. You should have seen it, Kenshin. That creature can actually smile. I mean, like, a_ nice_ smile. Him and Ryou -- it was like they were long-lost buddies."

"Ryou and. . .Saitou?" Kenshin marveled, astounded.

"Seems like Ryou was also in Kyoto during the Bakumatsu. He was something like captain of one of the Shogun's squads. You remember those, right?"

Of course he remembered them. He had had to deal with them _and_ the Shinsengumi the whole time he had been in Kyoto. "Sure," Kenshin replied, his tone flat with contempt. "All the rejects who couldn't make it into the Shinsengumi went into those squads."

Sano arched a brow.

"Is that right." He shifted his back against the post lazily, observing the sudden coldness in Kenshin's eyes. "So that means that our golden boy Ryou was a hitokiri just like you were, huh. Okay -- maybe lower class, but in the same business."

"Hardly. Half the time they were rolling drunk in the streets."

"So they were a joke?"

Kenshin lifted the cloth in his hand out of the water and wrung it tightly. He tossed it into another bin.

"No. They were taken seriously because they were dangerous. They were drunken bullies with the authority of the Shogun. If you ran into them while you were on a job, things had a way of getting ugly, so we avoided them at all costs."

"I see. Just to avoid the hassle, huh?"

"You could say that."

Sano chewed on his fishbone and continued on in his easy drawl:

"So then how do you feel about leaving Jo-chan alone with someone like that?"

Kenshin finished scrubbing the cloth in his hand before replying: "It's not my choice, Sano. She likes spending time with him."

"Then do something about it! If she has to pick between the two of you. . .scarred, guilty boys from the Bakumatsu, God knows I'd rather have her end up with you."

Kenshin said nothing, focusing his attention on the laundry, his hair hiding his face. But Sanosuke knew he had been heard. He pushed himself off the porch onto his feet.

"Well, I'm off. Hurry up and finish your laundry so you can get your ass off this porch and start winning her back." He stepped down onto the ground and started walking towards the gate.

"Sano."

He stopped. There was no need to look back.

"Arigatou," Kenshin said quietly.

Sanosuke stood there in silence for a moment. Then he shoved a hand into his pocket and continued walking across the courtyard.

"Just remember what I said," he answered, heading out the gate.

* * *

Kaoru finished drying the dishes. She wiped her hands on the dishcloth and tugged at the cord wrapped around her shoulders, letting her sleeves fall free. She slid the door open and stepped outside.

The courtyard glowed warmly in the afternoon sun. She swept her eyes across it.

Empty. Her heart fell.

_Why do you keep doing this?_ she asked herself. _What for? He's never around anymore. And if he were, he'd never notice you anyway. Hopeless, right? That's what you decided, right?_

She _had_ decided that. But even then, she had thought --

"Kaoru-chan!" Ryou called out. She turned to see him emerge from the doorway of the kitchen.

"Nii-chan."

He stopped very close to her, a warm smile in his eyes.

"Thanks for lunch today. It was great."

"Really?"

"You remembered my favorite dish."

"You noticed."

"Very much so. I think I single-handedly devoured half of it. But really. Thank you for today. It's been a long time since anybody cooked for me."

She smiled at him.

"Well, get used to it. Because you're home now."

He looked at her for a moment, then he nodded.

"Right," he agreed. He reached for her hand. She looked up at him in surprise.

"Come with me," he said, pulling her gently with him. "Let's go for a walk."

Kaoru gave a short, incredulous laugh. "Right now?"

"It's beautiful out."

She shook her head, then decided to give in. "Alright," she said, falling into step beside him, their hands still linked. "But we have to clean the dojo when we get back, okay?"

"Leave everything to me," he responded, taking her hand and drawing it through his elbow. "You can go and have a long soak in the tub. I know that's what you really want to do."

"Not at all!" she protested, staring up at him. It was then that she noticed how handsome he really was. His dark hair, swept carelessly by the wind, brushed his forehead and gave him a charmingly boyish look. His eyes were deep-set and expressive, his face strong and chiseled. When he smiled, as he did now, a dimple peeked out of his cheek.

They were nearing the gate. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a flash of red. She turned her head slightly and saw Kenshin coming from the other side of the house, empty laundry basket in hand. He stopped short when he saw the two of them.

Her eyes locked with his.

She had thought. . .

"Kaoru-chan?"

She barely heard Ryou. Her mind was filled with echoes of a thought:

_. . .After that morning, when we bumped into each other in the hallway, I thought that -- that I could try again. That there was hope. We were so close, sitting there on the floor together. . .he was so close. And I thought that in his eyes I saw. . ._

Ryou began leading her away.

_You should know by now, _she reprimanded herself, her feet slowly falling into step with Ryou's. _He never sees you. He never does. If you look in his eyes closely. . . if you look, you'll see. . ._

She silenced her thoughts painfully, and turned away from Kenshin. She set her gaze to the path directly ahead of her. Ryou led her onto the street, her arm firmly locked with his. Suddenly she became aware of the force of his warmth and his strength -- for the first time, she became aware of _him_. And at that moment, she wanted to throw herself at him, to fling herself desperately into his embrace. At that moment, she was ready to go anywhere with him.

Anywhere away from Kenshin. From his eyes and their cold, cold truth.

_If you look in his eyes, you'll see. . ._

She knew what she would see.

The image that was always before him, the memory that never left him, that would never set him free.

_Tomoe._

_

* * *

_

They reached the riverside. He led her to a flat, wide rock under the shade of a leafy tree.

"It would be nice to sit on the grass, but I don't want your kimono to get ruined," he told her, sweeping the rock clean with his hand. "Alright. You can sit now."

"Thank you," she said, smoothing the skirt of her kimono and sitting down. He settled in beside her. They were both silent for a few minutes, looking out over the smoothly flowing river. The water glistened in the slanting sunlight.

He spoke first.

"Why is Battousai at the house?" he asked her, his tone neutral, merely curious.

She took a moment to respond.

"He. . .didn't have a place to stay."

"Did you have a sign on the gate that said 'ronin stay here for free'?"

She looked sharply at him. "Nii-chan!"

"I'm just wondering how he came to be here, that's all."

"He helped me. One of father's former students -- " she stopped suddenly, remembering. "Nii-chan, you know him! Hiruma Gohei! You remember him, don't you?"

Ryou thought for a moment. "Oh. Him. Of course. He was a troublemaker with no aptitude whatsoever for kenjutsu. I was always wondering why Sensei kept allowing him to come back to the dojo." He looked at Kaoru. "He caused trouble for you?"

"He tried to take the dojo away from me."

"Bastard." Ryou stared out over the river, his face taking on a grim cast. "He only dared to do that because you were alone."

"I was. . .until Kenshin came."

Ryou listened to the words, feeling the unspoken heaviness of meaning that hovered in her soft voice.

So that was how it had started. Battousai had saved her from Gohei.

_It's my own goddamn fault, _he thought furiously, the beauty of the day fading from his awareness. He stared hard ahead, his eyes seeing only a scarred face. And the naked blade of a sword.

_It's my fault. If I had never left, if I had stayed here, as I promised Sensei, I would have been able to protect her. She would never have had to meet that murderer._

"So you owe him," Ryou concluded. "That's why he's here."

"Well," Kaoru began reluctantly, "it was like that in the beginning, I guess. . ."

He shifted his gaze to her. "What do you mean?"

Kaoru looked down at her lap, her fingers tracing the pattern on the silk. "I think I asked him to stay because. . . well, because I _wanted_ him to stay."

"Naturally. . .what with scum like Gohei threatening you and all. You wanted somebody to stay with you."

"I guess you're right."

"That's my fault. I wasn't here to protect you, and I'm sorry for that."

Kaoru sighed. "Nii-chan, I thought we went over that already. No more regrets, right? You're here to stay."

He smiled. "Right."

She smiled back at him. She looked back out over the river, falling silent again.

"What about him?" Ryou asked suddenly.

"Who?" Kaoru frowned, her thoughts interrupted.

"Battousai. Is he here to stay, too?"

The sadness touched her eyes again. "I don't know," she admitted softly.

"Well. . ." Ryou picked a wildflower out of the grass and twirled it between his fingers. "If you ask me, I don't think you should expect him to stay forever."

Her eyes flew to his, wide and alarmed. "Why?"

Ryou sighed. _Ah, Kaoru_, he thought, fondness and worry and anger stirring up within him as he looked at her. _You're still the same. Your heart is right there, in your eyes, plain and clear for all to see._

_Do you really care for him this much?_

"Can't you tell, Kaoru-chan? He's looking for something, and he hasn't found it yet. That's why he disappeared at the end of the Bakumatsu. That's why he's been wandering ever since."

"He's looking for something?"

Ryou tossed the flower back into the grass. "You should understand that the memory of the Bakumatsu will probably haunt him for the rest of his life." _As it rightly should, _he added to himself. "Battousai was no ordinary soldier, Kaoru-chan. He did. . .unspeakable things."

"I _know_ that," she answered, her voice firm. "Everybody knows that. But he's changed now. He's different."

"Perhaps. He's probably telling himself the same thing. What, he sits at home and does the laundry all day, right? Then you send him off to buy fish and tofu. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have him completely domesticated."

"You don't know any better, Nii-chan. You don't know him."

"I think that's what we should be saying about you."

Kaoru looked at him.

"You want to tell me something, don't you, Nii-chan? Why don't you just say it?"

He saw the challenge, the stubborn defensiveness in her eyes. He let out a heavy breath.

"You don't know who Battousai really is, Kaoru-chan."

"Stop calling him that. His name is Kenshin."

"Do you really know this Kenshin you speak of?" he asked her flatly. "Do you really know who he is -- at night, or when he's alone? All you see is the man who cooks your food and does your chores, the man with the silly smile and the peculiar way of talking. That's all you want to see."

"That's who he is."

"No, it's not. It's not even half of who he really is." He sighed. "Look, I'm not saying he's fake, or evil, or whatever. I'm just saying that you only know one side of him, Kaoru-chan. . .but you trust him so much."

"You weren't here when he saved my life the first time," she answered. "Or the second, or third time. You didn't see him making riceballs and popping bubbles with the children he babysits. Yes, it's true -- there are things about Kenshin that I don't know, but what I've seen is enough for me. He's protected us all with his life."

"You sound like you're in love with him."

This time it was her turn to meet the challenge in his words.

"Is that what you've been wanting to know, Nii-chan?" she asked him quietly.

He looked squarely into her eyes. "I only wanted to know because I care about you. Don't expect too much from Battousai, Kaoru-chan. He can't love you back."

She had not expected him to say those words. She stared at him, feeling the edges of a turmoil beginning to churn up within her. The words echoed like a heavy knell in her head:

_He can't love you back._

All the vague, amorphous fear that always hung faintly in the back of her mind seemed to crystallize at that moment into those words. It was everything she had always feared, now made concrete and hurled at her with careless force. Ryou had turned away from her, staring off once more into the distance, completely oblivious of the impact of his words. Her throat was suddenly tight. Her fingers found his sleeve.

He looked at her.

"Why?" she asked him, her voice reduced to a raspy whisper. She swallowed, forcing down the tightening lump in her throat. "Why do you say that?"

His brow knotted slightly as he stared at her, his eyes searching her face. She had paled suddenly, and a piercing anxiety gleamed in her eyes. "Kaoru-chan?"

"Why do you say that?" she repeated, her grip on his sleeve tightening.

"Say what?"

She was barely listening to him, her mind completely absorbed in turmoil. "How can you say such things?" she lashed out. "You don't even know! You don't even know anything!"

"Kaoru, calm down."

Her tone became strident and accusing. "You're just like everyone else, like those stupid people that come here and challenge Kenshin all the time. I'm sick of it! He's a good person. He's a wonderful person."

"I didn't say he was bad."

"You said he -- "

Ryou gripped her shoulders. "Kaoru, listen to me. _Listen_ to me. All I said was 'don't expect too much from him'. That's all I said." His eyes widened when he saw tears begin to spill from her eyes. "Why are you crying?" He sighed heavily. "Kaoru-chan. . ."

"I've tried so hard," she whispered, more to herself than to him. "I've been trying so hard all this time. . .and to hear you say that. . . You're wrong. You're wrong, Nii-chan. To say that he can't. . .that he can't. . ." her voice broke, the words too painful to say. "_Why_?_ What else do I have to do? _I don't understand. . ."

Suddenly Ryou understood. He pulled her into his arms.

"It's alright," he murmured soothingly, stroking her hair gently. "It's alright."

She wept, softly and silently, into his gi. Her whole body was trembling. He held her tight, his arms strong, enfolding her in warmth. Her grip on his arms was frantic. He could feel the misery wracking her body in waves. He pressed a kiss to her head.

"What are you so afraid of?" he whispered. "I'm here. I'll always be here. I promised you."

He waited patiently for her tears to subside. A few moments later, he heard her drag in a deep, shuddering breath. She lifted her face to look up at him.

He wiped her cheeks dry and smiled ruefully. "I've made you cry."

She shook her head, easing herself out of his arms. He let her go, watching her as she tried, with some embarrassment, to compose herself.

"No, Nii-chan." She smiled back at him -- a small, sad smile. "I made myself cry."

"I was too harsh."

"No." She shook her head again. "You were honest. And. . .you're probably right." She looked down at her hands. "I know there's no hope," she said softly. "I think I've known for some time, but I've always told myself to try harder. I've told myself that he needs time, that he'll open up eventually, but. . . You see, I _do_ know about his past, Nii-chan. He's told me about it. He's opened up, I guess. But I want him to do more than that."

"You want him to love you back."

She lifted her eyes to his. "_More than anything,_" she whispered painfully. "But I don't think it's something he can do." She wiped away the tears budding at the corners of her eyes. "And it's not his fault, either. It's just. . .it's just the way he is. He loved his wife. And he was the reason she died. I don't think he'll ever be able to let go."

"But _you_ can," Ryou told her gently. "Kaoru, don't torture yourself. Be a friend to him. That's all he needs from you. That's all he can be in return. Don't keep running after him, waiting for something he can't give. You're letting your life pass you by." He touched her cheek. "Stay with me. Be with me."

"Nii-chan." She stared at his eyes, taken aback by the deep earnestness she saw there.

"You're all I have left, Kaoru-chan. I'll be the one to protect you."

She didn't know how it happened. She knew only that at that moment, it was the easiest thing in the world to lean into his arms and return to his embrace. She closed her eyes, remembering the warmth enfolding her.

Once again, it was the safest place in the world.


	5. Fireflies *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Five: Fireflies**

Kaoru stared at Ryou across the wide expanse of the dojo floor. He waited patiently, his face expressionless, his mouth drawn into a grim line. He held his bokken in a relaxed grip, pointed at the ground. After a few more moments of silence, he nodded slightly at her.

"Come," he commanded softly.

Kaoru decided on her move, then raised her shinai and came charging at him. He blocked the attack effortlessly.

"Faster, Kaoru. You have to be faster," he muttered.

Frustrated at her incompetence and at his cool dismissal, she renewed her attack with gusto. Ryou found himself taking several steps backward as he fought to fend off the rain of blows she dealt him. Finally, he blocked one swing head-on, and pushed her off with enough force to make her stumble backwards.

He caught her wrist before she fell, and pulled her smoothly upright.

"Good," he said approvingly. "More speed, but your stamina certainly is excellent. I really had to watch out for that last swing you made."

"Good thing you did," Kaoru huffed. "That was meant to give you a large bump on your head that would've stayed for weeks. Oh well." She smiled wickedly. "Next time, ne?"

"That's right, next time!" Yahiko yelled from the side of the room, where he had been sitting, watching them. "Stop hogging him all to yourself, Kaoru! You're hopeless anyway! It's my turn to practice with him now!"

Ryou's lips curved into a wry smile.

Kaoru looked into his laughing eyes for a moment more, then smiled back, more amused than irritated by Yahiko's outburst.

"Alright, I guess it _is_ his turn. I think I could use a good soak in the tub, anyway," she said.

"See you later, then. And don't forget about tonight," Ryou reminded her, then turned away to walk to the far end of the dojo. "Let's go, Yahiko-_chan,_" he called out.

"Don't call me _chan!_" Yahiko screeched, springing to his feet. "I'm gonna get you, Ryou!" he cried, charging at his teacher.

"_Sensei!_" Ryou corrected him loudly as he blocked the blow. "Where are your manners?"

Yahiko attacked him again and again like a maniac. Ryou continued to berate him as he countered each blow:

"What happened to your form? Lead with your other foot!_ Other_ foot! Good! Now faster! Where's your force? Put some strength into those swings, Yahiko, or I'll start practicing with Kaoru again. You're wasting my time!"

Kaoru watched them, shaking her head at the teasing tone in Ryou's voice and at the wild outrage in Yahiko's eyes. Yahiko was definitely improving under Ryou's expert tutelage. And Ryou had seemingly become fond of the loudmouthed brat. How many times had she seen him tousle Yahiko's hair affectionately after a particularly good practice session?

Kaoru smiled as she thought of how Ryou loved to tease the poor boy mercilessly about Tsubame-chan. More often than not, Ryou's remarks would send Yahiko flying at him like a madman, and crazy wrestling bouts on the dojo floor would ensue.

_Yes, those two _are_ slightly insane,_ Kaoru thought. _But Ryou definitely knows how to handle kids._

In spite of all the clashes he and Yahiko got into, Ryou would often take the boy for an afternoon out, just the two of them. Sometimes it would be to the Akabeko for a treat. Other times, it would be to the riverbank, for more practice. Often, they'd just go for a walk. Ryou had told her that Yahiko needed somebody who would listen to him seriously once in a while.

"Yahiko's a good kid," he had said to her once. "He'll grow up to be a man I'll be proud of."

_I'm sure he will,_ she had thought. _I'm sure you'll be proud of him. Just as I'm proud of you._

Kaoru watched Ryou for a few seconds more, noting the fluid grace with which he moved, the taut strength that he wielded so smoothly, and the pleased glow in his eyes as he assessed Yahiko's attacks. Yes, she was proud of him –- proud of all he had done to save her father's school, proud of what he had become now. . .what he always had been meant to become: her father's successor, the master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu.

She caught Ryou's eye and gave him a last smile before walking slowly out of the dojo into the warm afternoon.

All the students had left for the day, so a still, humid quiet now hung over the grounds. Kaoru walked over to the furnace on the side wall of the bath house. She crouched in front of the opening and started tossing chunks of firewood inside.

"Why didn't you call me, Kaoru-dono? I always do that for you," she heard a familiar voice say.

She looked up, and found Kenshin crouching by her side. He was so close their sleeves touched.

She couldn't say anything at first. She was so overwhelmed by the suddenness of his presence and his nearness. How long had it been since she had last seen him? Spoken to him? Been alone like this with him? She couldn't remember. But she _did_ remember this old heady feeling, the absurd rush of happiness in her heart, the way her eyes seemed to gravitate toward his. She did remember this all-encompassing warmth that wrapped around her now, and the yearning that made her want to bury her head in his chest and hold him tight.

Yes. She remembered how she always felt whenever he was near.

He gently pulled the chunk of wood from her hand and tossed it into the furnace. He kindled the fire, then stared into it silently, avoiding her gaze.

With a start, she noticed that he was wearing a gi different from the pinkish one he usually wore. The one he had on now was dark blue, the fabric fine and embroidered, the color deep. At his collar, and at the edges of his sleeves, his white underkimono peeked out, contrasting neatly with the gi. It gave him a sharp, dashing look.

Then he turned to look at her. She forgot to breathe.

Somehow the dark blue of his clothes made his hair more vivid, his eyes more stark. He looked so unbearably handsome at that moment, that the yearning within her intensified and she had to quell the impulse to reach out and touch him.

"You only needed to call me," he said quietly.

It took her a moment to register what he had said.

"I—I didn't know where you were," she stuttered.

"I've always been here. I told you to call me whenever you wanted me, remember?"

"Yes," she breathed, thinking: _Yes. And how I want you now._

He looked back at the fire.

"Did practice go okay?" he asked.

Kaoru tore her eyes away from him and stared at a rock near her feet.

"Yes, fine." An awkward silence. "Yahiko is getting really good."

"I'm glad. And you?"

She shrugged.

"Okay, I guess." She wondered why their conversation sounded so stilted, so cold and trivial and polite -- the kind of talk between acquaintances, not friends. She glanced at him again.

He was staring intently into the flames -- his profile striking, his brow a dark slash over a narrowed eye. Caught by his beauty, and unable to resist, she nudged him lightly.

"You're. . .looking pretty good today yourself," she said, her shyness almost choking her. "Going somewhere?"

He stared at her, surprised at the compliment and at her touch. He bowed his head slightly, hiding his face with the fall of his hair.

"Kaoru-dono, what are you doing tonight?" he asked her quietly.

Kaoru was taken aback by the question.

"Tonight? Well, I, uh. . ." She searched her mind frantically. What _was_ she doing tonight? Suddenly she remembered.

"Nii-chan and I are going out to dinner," she blurted without thinking.

There was a very long silence before he spoke again.

"I see." He tossed one last chunk of firewood into the furnace, then got up.

Kaoru stood with him, disturbed by the sudden coldness in his manner.

"Why. . .do you have plans too, Kenshin?"

He hesitated before answering.

"No, not really. I was thinking of. . .visiting a friend tonight, but. . .since you and Ryou are going to have a night out, I think I'll just postpone it. Someone has to watch the house and stay with Yahiko, right?"

"Which friend were you going to visit?" she asked, frowning slightly as she tried to figure out who it could be.

"Oh, just someone I know. . .from long ago," he said vaguely, refusing to meet her eyes. "You're not acquainted."

"Really," she murmured.

There was another short pause, then he said:

"You should probably get into the bath now. The water should be perfect."

"Right."

"And, Kaoru-dono. . ."

She glanced at him. His eyes were distant, his mind somewhere else.

"Hope you enjoy your evening," he said politely.

"Thank you," she replied, just as politely. Then he turned and walked away.

* * *

The night air was heavy, the street silent, the moon only a thin sliver of light peeking between the leaves of the trees. Kaoru was walking home along the tree-lined avenue, with Ryou at her side. She looked into the darkness, and she could see tiny points of light. Fireflies.

Dinner had been pleasant. All eyes had been on them the moment they had entered the crowded Akabeko, causing her to become somewhat self-conscious. But Ryou had been attentive and entertaining, putting her at ease the whole time.

Nevertheless, she hadn't been able to stop herself from thinking of Kenshin. _Who was the friend he was going to visit? _she kept asking herself. It must have been somebody important. She remembered how handsome he had looked, how he had dressed with such care.

_But __who could it be?_ she tormented herself. He had said it was somebody she didn't know. Somebody from his past.

Now, walking home in the darkness, shielded from Ryou's perceptive eyes, Kaoru finally allowed herself to think the unthinkable:

_A woman._ Was Kenshin's mysterious friend a woman?

A wave of fear and jealousy swelled up within her heart. What if it was a woman? A woman he had known long ago, a woman who had known him as he had been then. . .

. . .A woman who had loved him, and whom he had loved. . .

_That's impossible,_ Kaoru thought to herself. _He was married at the time._

But they could have been friends. Just friends. And now that Tomoe was dead, and Kenshin was by himself again, they were going to meet. . .

Kaoru had to fight to restrain the tears that were pooling fast at the corners of her eyes. The fear in her heart intensified.

_If there is such a woman, then I've lost him. I've lost him as surely as I would have if Tomoe-san had gone back to life. . . If this woman exists, then it's almost as if Tomoe-san has gone back to life, anyway. Just like her, this woman would know how to take care of him, what to say to him, how to comfort him. She would know what he really is thinking when his eyes are far away. She would know how to hold him and love him and make everything alright._

_That's the one thing I'll never be able to do,_ she thought with despair._ Because Ryou-san was right. Kenshin doesn't need me in that way. __He doesn't see me. . .like that._

They had reached the corner of the dojo wall. Ryou suddenly stopped and turned to her.

Kaoru looked up at him questioningly.

"Thank you for a wonderful evening, Kaoru-chan," he said quietly. "I'm really glad you agreed to have dinner with me."

She smiled. "And why wouldn't I? For once I was able to eat at the Akabeko without having to worry about the tab! It's so nice to be treated out once in a while!" Her fingers played idly with the strings of her silk purse. "But really, Nii-chan. . .I had a great time. Thank you for inviting me."

Ryou smiled and touched her cheek.

"You're most welcome," he answered politely. "_However_. . .I'm going to be a little selfish here and ask for something in return."

She could swear his eyes turned a shade darker. She held his gaze steadily, too surprised and too afraid to say anything.

_Something in return? _she thought frantically. _What? And why do his eyes look so deep?_

Suddenly he laughed softly. She blinked.

"You look petrified," he remarked. "Am I that distasteful?"

"It depends on what you intend to ask."

He studied her silently for a moment.

"I intend to ask you many things," he finally said, the teasing lightness gone from his voice.

_What is this? _she asked herself anxiously. _Why does he keep looking at me like that?_

_What is this. . .warmth?_

The sound of his voice was making a slow warmth spread all over her limbs. The cool night breeze touched the nape of her neck, but she felt heat instead, rising from her skin, pulsating from within. Her eyes were fixed on his, drawn by their dark, mesmerizing gaze. Her heart was pounding fast, but it was a pounding that echoed only faintly in the back of her mind. His eyes were what filled everything now -- his eyes and the heightened sensitivity that wrapped around her body and made her devastatingly aware of his nearness.

"Relax," he told her. His hand found hers and clasped it. "It's not what you think."

"What is it then?"

"Well. . ." he hesitated, a sheepish grin spreading on his lips, ". . .do you think you could call me by my name? Just my name, no _Nii-chan _or _Nii-san_ or anything like that."

"Nii-chan!" she exclaimed softly, surprised.

He shook his head, smiling wryly. "I guess not, huh?"

"No," she interrupted him. "It's not that. I'm just wondering. . .why."

The seriousness returned to his eyes.

"Because you're not a child anymore, Kaoru. And I'm not your elder brother." He reached out and caressed her cheek. "I want to be the man who protects you. The only man who has a right to touch you. I want to be the one who makes you happy."

She stared at him, her lips slightly parted, her mind refusing to accept what she was hearing. _What? _What was going on? Why was he speaking to her like this?

What did he mean. . .

"What are you saying, Nii-chan?" she whispered, her voice very faint. "What are you _saying?_"

His eyes were piercing.

"I'm trying to tell you that I love you, Kaoru. That I've always loved you, and that. . .there's nothing I want more than to have you with me, always."

She was struck completely speechless, her eyes riveted to his.

"Nii-chan. . ." The word escaped her lips, her mind thrown off-kilter, unable to form anything else.

He let out an exasperated breath. "_Please_ don't call me that. Please. . .just try. . ." He pulled gently on her hand, drawing her closer to him. She stared up at him. His face was suddenly very close. He leaned closer, his breath brushing her lips in a featherlight caress. "Just once. . .give me a chance," he whispered.

Before she knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. She went rigid with shock, the shock of the feel of his mouth, of his arms closing around her -- of the nearness of his breath, his skin, himself. It was a soft kiss, and his arms around her were strong and warm, holding her in a gentle embrace. Even his lips were gentle as they touched hers.

She could feel exactly what he was trying to say. He held her as if she were something priceless and precious, worthy of adoration. His lips were hesitant, almost reverent. His fingers rested against her face, tracing the contours of her cheek, worshiping every curve. Slowly they moved down her jaw to the slender, pale column of her neck.

His lips began to leave hers. She knew, with unerring certainty of sensation, where they were going to go next.

The coolness of the night air blew across her lips. For a split second, her eyes met his. She saw in them the flaring of desire.

_What are you doing? _she asked herself. _Do you realize what you're about to do?_

_Do you realize what you've done?_

With a trembling hand, she pushed him away.

_I just kissed a man. I just kissed _this_ man, and he's not. . ._

Ryou's eyes were veiled in the darkness. He watched her without a word, standing there, tall and dark-eyed.

Dark hair and dark eyes. A cheek with no trace of a scar.

The words came hurtling into her consciousness:

_. . .he's not Kenshin._

A sudden, keen anguish lanced through her. What had she done? It was Kenshin she loved -- him and no other. It had always been that way. In the midst of the warmth of that moment, she had thought only of him -- of his arms around her, his lips on hers, his breath warm on her skin.

_I only thought of you! _she cried in her heart, bowing her head and covering her face with her hands. _But you're not the one who's here! It wasn't you holding me, kissing me, telling me that you love me. . ._

_Why? Why can't it be you?_

"I'm sorry," she heard him say quietly.

She couldn't bear to look at him. There was a long silence, then she felt him move towards her. She stiffened, waiting for him to touch her.

He didn't. Instead he said: "I'll wait for you at the gate."

He began walking away. The sound of his footsteps ground upon her heart.

Suddenly his words came back to her.

_. . .You're letting your life pass you by._

She raised her head and stared at his back.

"Wait," she whispered.

He kept on walking.

"Wait!"

He did not stop. Rooted to where she stood, she watched him walk farther and farther away. The breeze blew against her, plastering the chilly silk of her kimono against her skin. For the first time that night, she felt cold. She looked up at the sky. The stars were hard little points of light, distant and frozen, glaring down at her.

She looked back down the street. Ryou was disappearing into the long shadows cast by the trees. A gust of wind wrapped around her in a frigid embrace, its fingers seeping up her sleeves and chilling her bones. She turned her head and glanced at the brush beside the road.

Something there seemed to be calling her, drawing her gaze. But she saw only shadows. . .and tiny flickering lights. The fireflies flitted about in the darkness, reminding her that it was already early summer.

_Reminding her. . ._

The memory of another night came to her slowly, settling into the shadows, the trees, and the darkness beyond. It had been a night exactly like this one, with the same gray street stretched out before her, and the fireflies floating weakly around. That night, she had stayed where she stood, watching a figure disappear from her sight.

She had allowed herself to be left behind. The night had ended, leaving her on her knees, weeping and utterly alone.

And now, it was happening again.

She didn't even call out anymore. She just ran, heedless of the pebbles in her path and the unstable heels of her fancy wooden sandals. She kept her eyes fixed on his back, hurrying after him, cold silk flapping against her legs.

The sound of wood clattering against the ground caused him to glance behind his shoulder.

It was at that moment that she reached him. He swayed slightly backwards as she crushed herself against him, burying her face in his chest. Her hands gripped the fabric of his gi.

"Kaoru," he breathed, completely taken by surprise.

She clung to him tightly.

"Not you too," he heard her whisper. "Not again."

He stared down at her head, the significance of the words eluding him. Suddenly she looked up at him. Her eyes shone brilliantly.

"Don't you understand?" she cried. "You're all I have left!"

_You're all I have left. . .you're all I have left. . ._

She kept on repeating the words, tears streaking her cheeks, her face pitiful as she gazed up at him. A wave of irrepressible emotion broke powerfully in his chest. He pulled her close, locking her into his embrace.

* * *

_Don't move. Don't even think of moving._

The sheathed sword trembled in his grasp. He gripped it tighter, feeling the sweat from his palms slicking the hard lacquer. He kept his feet plastered where they were, commanding his body not to move.

But it was difficult. His whole consciousness was focused on the scene before him -- the scene which he could not believe was taking place. He had lain in wait in the shadows, watching them as they walked home. He had thought only of her safety -- worrying about her, distrusting the man she was with. And he had been ready to save her, nearly going insane with rage the moment he had seen the man grip her roughly and pull her lips to his.

But something had held him back -- had kept him waiting, motionless, in the darkness by the side of the road. It had been a hesitation, a yielding that he had detected in the lines of her body. The kiss had lasted a long moment, and only when it had ended did she push the man away. But even that push had been weak, half-hearted, uncertain.

_Why? _Why hadn't she slapped him, tackled him to the ground, or screamed at him? Where was that fearful, mighty fury of hers? Why had she stood there instead, crying, staring after him miserably, as if her world would end if he disappeared?

_Why did she run to him and say -- _

Kenshin shut his eyes tightly, blocking out what he was seeing. Yet the memory was still there, burned into his mind, every agonizing second of it.

_How could she say that. . .__over and over. . ._

The pain in his heart was so awful, he found it difficult to breathe.

_How could you say that he's all you have left? _he wanted to shout at her._ I'm here because of you! I've stayed only for you!_

The day had started with so much hope. He had taken out the only other gi he owned, his best one –- its cloth dark blue, embroidered with the crest of the Katsura family. It had been a gift to him from Katsura Kogoro, the leader of the Choshu Ishin Shishi -- his master during the Bakumatsu. He had put the gi on with care and fixed his hair. Then he had gone out and looked for Kaoru. He had intended to ask her out to dinner that night, deciding that it was high time to put Sanosuke's advice into action.

Unfortunately, it turned out she had already made plans. With Ryou.

He had been careful not to show any emotion, but inwardly, he had been devastated. Luckily he had been able to make up a believable excuse. He had consoled himself afterwards with the thought that he could always try again.

But after tonight, that was no longer possible. For she had already chosen. And she had chosen Ryou.

Kenshin stayed where he was, until the couple drew away from one another and continued walking down the street, until they reached the gate and disappeared together into the darkness of the courtyard. Until he heard the heavy wooden doors shut him out with a terrible finality.

He sat down slowly on the hard earth. The shadows of the trees fell upon him like a shroud. He stayed there for a very long time, until the fireflies had all gone, and he was left alone, in the darkness, with no light.

* * *

"I don't know what's happening in my life anymore," Kaoru said despairingly.

Megumi looked at her in silence.

The two of them were sitting on the floor of Megumi's room. Ryou had told her to stay with Megumi, while he and Sano went out for a night of gambling. She had wanted to stay home, but he wouldn't hear of it.

"There's nobody here to stay with you," he had told her. "I'd feel much better knowing you're with Megumi-san."

There was nobody to stay with her in the house because Kenshin had left earlier that day to go somewhere and had not yet returned. Yahiko, meanwhile, was working late at the Akabeko.

Kaoru wondered where Kenshin could be. It was past six in the evening already. She hoped he was home by now.

Megumi put her teacup down. Kaoru had just told her everything –- about Ryou, about Kenshin's mysterious friend, about the kiss last night. It was highly obvious to her that the tanuki-girl was overwhelmed and confused by everything that was happening in her life.

But to Megumi, there really was nothing confusing about the situation. The path to take was clear. It always had been. What bothered her was why Kaoru wasn't seeing that at all.

"So who is it going to be? Ryou or Ken-san?" Megumi asked bluntly.

Kaoru shook her head sadly.

"I don't know. I don't know anymore. I always thought I loved Kenshin, but it doesn't seem as if he'll ever be able to love me back. I've tried so hard to make him happy, honestly, I've tried. . .Sometimes, I just get so tired of it all." She paused. "Ryou-san is a wonderful person, and he's said he loves me. And. . .my father always wanted us to be together."

"Well, if he's so wonderful, and if it's your duty to be with him, why don't you go ahead and get married?" Megumi said with a shrug. "You're bound by your father's wish and you seem like you want to marry him anyway. I really don't see what's confusing at all."

"I can't do it," Kaoru said after a short silence. "I can't imagine myself being married to him. In my mind, I try to picture the two of us together, but I can never remember his face. It's always a blank. All I can remember is. . ." she sighed heavily and hid her face in her hands. "All I can remember is Kenshin! It's always his face I see, his voice I hear –- Megumi, I think I'm going out of my mind! I love him so much –- that's why it hurts so much when he never even seems to see me. But I can't forget him. Sometimes I think I can, and I know I should, but every time I see him, it starts all over again. . .the ridiculous happiness, the way my heart is so light just because I'm near him. It's hopeless." She paused to take a shuddering breath. "Last night, while Ryou-san was kissing me. . .I was dying inside. It was so wrong. It was so wrong, but I didn't know what else to do anymore. . ."

She looked up at Megumi.

"Sometimes, I just want to run away to some place where I can _think. _Somewhere I can be alone, away from Ryou, away from Kenshin. I can't think clearly anymore. Nothing makes sense to me anymore."

Kaoru lapsed into silence. Megumi took her cup again and sipped from it slowly. She looked calmly into the clear green liquid.

"You disgust me," she said quietly.

Kaoru's eyes widened in shock.

"I had hoped that after everything you and Ken-san have been through, you would understand him a little better. Instead, you're still stuck in your little-girl way of thinking. Everything revolves around you. I find your whining revolting."

"How dare you say that –- "

"Actually, I'm tired of having to keep saying that to you myself," Megumi cut in. "I don't know how many times I've tried to make you see things beyond your narrow view of the world. I talked to you before you left for Kyoto. And then another time, after Kyoto. But none of it sunk in, apparently. It's deplorable, how immature you still are." She put her cup down, her fingers trembling slightly from the rage she kept coldly under control. "But there's no denying the fact that you are still the most important person in Ken-san's life. What he sees in you, I'll never know."

She looked at Kaoru directly, her eyes hard and pitiless.

"I'll never forgive you if you choose Ryou -- if you hurt Ken-san so deliberately in that way. I don't know what other proof your vain little heart needs before you'll realize how much that poor man loves you. You were the only one he said goodbye to before he left for Kyoto. You were the only reason he came back. Have you forgotten all that?"

Kaoru was silent.

"I should just tell you to go ahead and marry Ryou, because you don't deserve Ken-san at all. Unfortunately, that would drive Ken-san away forever and make him miserable for the rest of his life. So, for his sake, I'm going to try to put some sense into you. For the last time." She looked away from Kaoru in contempt. "The only thing that matters is how important Ken-san is to you. If you know that one thing, if you are sure of it in your heart, then none of these other things matter anymore. Not Ryou, not your father's wish, not any other woman who might try to take Ken-san away. Because he already loves you. The question is, do you love him?"

"Yes," Kaoru whispered, the tears spilling again.

"Then stop whining and make sure he knows it. Get over your vanity and your stupid pride. Yes, he has his secrets, but that's the past. His past didn't stop him from loving you. It shouldn't stop you from loving him back, either. He should be more important to you than any secret, any guilt, any fear. More important than your honor or your pride, more important than anything. Because if you lose him, nothing else will matter anymore."

Kaoru heard the harsh words cut through the haze in her mind. The gravity of her mistake hit her, and she froze.

_If I lose him. . .if I never see him again. . ._

_I thought I was being strong. I thought by choosing to let him go, I'd finally, for once, been honest with myself._

_But is it really the truth? Is this really the truth about myself -- that I can close off my heart, shut him out completely, and go on living without ever seeing him again?_

_Am I that strong? Is that even what being strong means?_

She knew that the answer was no. The manifestation of strength required the existence of a great hardship. And the most painful thing she could think of was not never seeing Kenshin again, but rather living with him and loving him with no hope of ever being loved in return. Time and distance would numb pain, but seeing him everyday, being near him, all the while knowing that he would forever be out of reach -- that was pain at its keenest.

_If I'm going to be strong, I need to admit this to myself. I need to admit that I can't live without him, that I love him and need him more than anything. This is the truth about me._

_And it's the only way I'll be able to live._

She stood up shakily.

"I -- I have to see him. Right now." She didn't even know if he was home already, but she didn't care. She'd wait in his room all night if she needed to. All she knew at that moment was the frantic need to be near him and tell him everything. How wrong she'd been. How sorry she was.

How much she really loved him.

Megumi met her gaze. Her eyes were veiled.

"Then go to him," she finally said, in a voice that betrayed no emotion.

Kaoru stood there for a moment longer, her eyes brimming with tears of gratitude and shame. But between the two of them, nothing more needed to be said.

She hurried out of the room.

* * *

Kenshin tucked the letter into the folded futon. He stared at it silently for a moment.

He imagined her coming into his room later that night, and finding that letter. She would probably be shocked and angry that he had left without saying goodbye. She would probably accuse him of breaking his promise to stay.

_But I never really made any promise,_ he thought. _I only told her that I'd be here if she wanted me._

And now that she clearly wanted somebody else, he had decided it was time to go. There was no place for him now at the dojo. Kaoru had chosen Ryou. By her own choice, he would be the one to protect her, stay with her, and share his life with her.

Kenshin had agonized over his decision to leave, his decision to surrender Kaoru into Ryou's hands. But the painful truth was that she wanted to be with Ryou. And in spite of his dislike for that man, Kenshin had to admit that Ryou did indeed care for Kaoru. That had been apparent in the way he had worked so hard to restore her father's school, in the way he had diligently repaired her house, and looked after her well-being. Ultimately, there was nothing more to be done about the situation. She had chosen, and she had chosen not him, but a man whom her father had been fond of, a man who cared for her and shared her passion for her father's legacy.

Kenshin ignored the awful emptiness in his heart. He hoped they would have a good life together.

Slowly, he placed the wide bamboo hat on his head and fastened the straps at his chin. His hand slid into the sleeve of his gi, the dark blue one he had been so proud to wear the day before.

He took out a small piece of paper and unfolded it. His eyes scanned over the characters once more.

It was a letter he would never have expected to receive in his life. A letter from his former master, a man he had thought dead. Katsura Kogoro.

_Himura,_ it began simply.

_I have been told, only recently, that you are still alive and are now living in Tokyo. Hearing such news has gladdened me immensely. I should like to see you as soon as possible, since there are certain urgent matters that I need to discuss with you. I have been staying in a somewhat remote place for the past few years, but I am sure you will have no trouble finding your way here._

_Come to the house in Otsu. I am looking forward to seeing you soon._

Kenshin folded the paper and tucked it back into his sleeve. He took one last look at the room, then walked out quietly. He did not look back.

The street was deserted, its darkness yawning before him.

He walked into it. The road cut a straight path across the city to the countryside and the forests beyond. He followed it -- to the bleak future that lay before him, to the past he had never been able to leave behind.

To Otsu.

* * *

A silent and darkened house greeted Kaoru as she ran into the courtyard of the dojo. She went inside, and made her way to his room. She paused before the door.

"Kenshin?" she called out anxiously.

No answer. She slid the door open. The room was dark and empty. She found the small lamp and lit it. A soft yellow glow filled the room. She looked around.

The room was untouched, everything the same as it had been when she had peeked in that morning, after she had discovered him gone.

_So he hasn't returned at all during the day,_ she thought worriedly.

His futon was still in the corner, folded up neatly. His teacup still sat on the low table. And his small bundle of clothing –-

Her eyes were fixed on the empty spot on the floor where his little bundle usually sat. He rarely took that bundle anywhere, since it contained mostly his spare clothing.

Where was it now?

Kaoru walked over to the other side of the room and searched carefully. The bundle was nowhere to be found.

Her heart began to race.

_Calm down,_ she ordered herself. _Maybe he went shopping today and needed to bring a bag, so he brought the bundle. Yes, that has to be it._

The panicked voice in her head was quick to contradict:

_Shopping? Why would he be out shopping so late? And if he really did use the bundle as a bag, then where are all his spare clothes? Why would he need to take them with him?_

Kaoru felt the panic begin to overwhelm her. She looked around the room wildly.

_No,_ she told herself frantically. _He's not gone. He wouldn't leave like that. He promised. He promised he would stay._

She dropped to her knees and grasped his futon, her hands trembling. She flung the comforter open, praying desperately that she would find his clothes rolled up within the covers, that she would see something –- anything that would prove he would still come back home.

Nothing.

She stared blindly at the futon that lay empty before her, her mind refusing to acknowledge what she was seeing.

Suddenly, she saw a tiny edge peeking out from underneath the sheets. Her fingers reached for it shakily.

It was a letter.

It had been tucked into the topmost cover of the futon. But she hadn't seen a letter there when she had checked the room earlier that day.

That meant. . .

Kaoru paled.

That meant he had already come back, while she had been gone. He had put the letter there, and then. . .he had left again.

Everything stopped at that moment. She could no longer hear the crazy thudding of her heart, could no longer feel the sharpness of the air that had cut her with each panicked breath. A strange, profound stillness settled over her, and she watched as her fingers slowly unfolded the letter.

It was very short.

_Kaoru-dono,_ it began. She studied his handwriting dispassionately. It was neat and clear, the strokes quick and slashing.

_I am sorry to have left like this, but the time has come for me to go. I know that Ryou will protect and honor you always. Together, you can now secure a bright future for yourselves and for Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. _

_For everything, I thank you -- and I wish you every happiness in the world._

It was signed simply, _Kenshin._

As if from very far away, Kaoru raised her eyes from the letter and looked at the room. Everything was so stark: the edges of the tatamis, the panels of wood that ran along the length of the wall, the lines and corners of the room. Slowly, she became aware again of the sharpness of the night air. She felt the crispness of the paper in her hand, and the roughness of the mat on the floor.

Everything was so clear.

In the most painful moment of her life, everything had finally become clear. She could look into her future with calm detachment. She saw a life with Ryou, a dojo full of students, a house full of children, and a comfortable old age. She saw herself aging gracefully, with Ryou beside her, her father and ancestors smiling upon them both. And then she saw her death, how she would leave this life as a revered matriarch, respected and honored by all. And that would be it. Her life from this moment on.

She remembered how she had wanted to run away to some place where she could think clearly, where she could sort out her feelings for Kenshin and Ryou. Now, she could finally think clearly. Her mind and her heart had finally gone into the clear. And she found herself in a terrifyingly empty place.

She looked back into the past. The confusion that had plagued her for the last few months now seemed so pointless, so unfounded. There never should have been any question of who her choice would be, never any contest between Kenshin and Ryou. The only man she would have been happy with, the only one she had ever really loved, had always been Kenshin. How clearly she saw that now.

As she sat there in that empty room, every moment she had shared with him flashed before her unseeing eyes. Every ordinary moment, every misunderstanding, every fear. So many missed chances, so many feelings ignored, so many things left unsaid.

_So many mistakes._

_I've lost him, _she thought to herself, but she felt nothing. There was no longer any pain. Only a hollowness, a numbness, a keen awareness of feeling nothing.

She folded the futon again, her movements slow and deliberate. Then she stood, put out the lamp, and made her way to the open door. The darkness of the hallway loomed before her.

She walked into it calmly.


	6. Promises *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Six: Promises**

The path had wound into the countryside, and Kenshin now found himself on a dusty road that dipped and rose with each hill. He had been journeying for about a week now, covering ground during the day and into the night, and sleeping on the hard earth only when he had become too exhausted.

He walked steadily, his eyes fixed on the road before him. He was alone. He had chosen to take a remote route in order to avoid any trouble, for although his hair and cross scar were well concealed by his wide hat, he knew the sword at his waist would definitely cause suspicion. But he had still made good time. He expected to arrive in Otsu before nightfall.

The noon sun glared at him, and he squinted, his eyes stinging. They were strained and bloodshot. He had slept very little since he had left Tokyo.

At the thought of Tokyo, he started to remember her. . .

_No!_ he ordered himself, and forced her out of his mind with conscious effort. He stared hard ahead and, through sheer force of will, emptied his mind of all thought.

Slowly, the ache in his chest faded. He looked at the rice fields that gleamed green in the distance. He saw their beauty, but it did not touch him.

He kept walking.

He had worked at keeping his mind continuously blank for the past week. It was the only way he could remain sane. When he had first set out on his journey, he had been haunted by images of Kaoru. He had seen her clearly in his mind –- her eyes mournful, her hand reaching out to him, her voice calling him back. He had scarcely left Tokyo when he had almost turned back and returned to the dojo, the urge to be with her overwhelming him.

But he had steeled himself and forced himself to continue on the road to Otsu. He had held Kaoru's image in his mind for one last agonizing second, and then he had blocked it out with fierce determination. _It's not real, anyway,_ he had reminded himself. She had no reason to yearn for him, no reason to beg him to return to her. She had Ryou now.

The moment he had thought of Ryou, a sudden swell of rage had gripped his heart. The urge to fight that man and banish him from their lives forever had been the other compelling reason to return to Tokyo. But he had silenced that thought as well. For all that Ryou was a bastard, Kaoru still loved him, and Kenshin could never bring himself to drive away a person who was precious to her.

Forcibly, he had cleared Ryou from his mind, along with Kaoru. Only then had the overpowering anger and jealousy seeped slowly from his blood, allowing him to continue walking down the road, once again moving steadily away from Tokyo.

_That's it,_ he had told himself. _That's what you need to do. Don't think about anything, don't feel anything. Just walk._

"Just walk," Kenshin now repeated to himself, as he passed under a high canopy of overlapping branches heavy with leaves. Just walk and you'll to get to Katsura's house soon enough. . .

_And then what?_ he asked himself after a while.

And then. . .

He shook his head clear of the thoughts. _You're thinking too hard,_ he reprimanded himself. _Why bother? It doesn't really matter what happens anymore._

The road turned around a bend, and he found himself on the crest of a high hill. He stared out at the lake below. The wind moved like a gentle hand across his face, brushing his hair against his lips. Suddenly he realized he had been there before. With _her. . ._

The wind wrapped around him. He reached into his bundle and drew out a length of faded blue silk. Her shawl. He wound it loosely about his neck, and felt its warmth cover him comfortingly.

The scent of white plum was in the air.

He welcomed her into the void of his soul. Soon a calmness settled over him, and he turned back to the road.

_Stay with me,_ he said to her, grateful for the peace she brought to his heart.

He felt her smile.

_I'm always with you, my darling, always with you. . ._

_

* * *

_

It was shortly after dusk when the house finally appeared before him.

He stopped some distance away and looked at it in silence. He remembered how he had set fire to the original house after Tomoe's death, before he had left to continue fighting for the Ishin. The cottage that now stood in its place was just as humble and plain. Beyond it lay the small field, green with unharvested crops.

_We could have been so happy here,_ he thought sadly.

He walked up the road. Suddenly, the front door of the cottage slid open, and a woman stepped out onto the porch.

She saw him at once. Her hand paused on the door frame. She stared at him.

Kenshin stopped walking. He studied her quietly.

She was astonishingly beautiful. Her black hair was wound into a simple bun and covered by a faded handkerchief, but some strands had come loose and now blew gently against her face, framing it in a carelessly elegant way. Her features were delicate, her skin flawless and her cheekbones high. Her light gray eyes were focused intently on him.

She noticed the crests on his kimono. Her eyes shot back to his face again, and this time, she saw the cross scar. She gasped lightly as she realized who he was.

"Kenshin?" she whispered in disbelief.

He heard the voice, and recognized it instantly. It was a voice he had never expected to hear again, the voice of a woman he had known long ago -- in a distant past, in another life. Nevertheless, at that moment, her name suddenly fell unbidden from his lips:

"Ayumi."

* * *

She waited expectantly by the open door. Kenshin removed his beaten sandals and stepped into the cool darkness of the house. He breathed in the dank air, and let his eyes adjust to the lack of light.

Much like the cottage he and Tomoe had shared, the one he stood in now was small and cramped. Faded paper screens divided the single main room into various little spaces. A fire burned in the small enclosure in the center of the floor. Four skinny cushions were scattered around it.

She gestured to one.

"Please sit down. I'll inform my uncle you're here."

Kenshin nodded, and settled himself onto the cushion. He watched her disappear behind a screen.

Despite the shabby peasant's clothes she now wore, Katsura Ayumi still carried herself with the same grace and dignity she had displayed when he had first met her in Kyoto, years ago. At that time, pro-shogunate forces had seized power in Katsura Kogoro's native province of Choshu, and had begun punishing the Ishin Shishi for their rebellion against the Shogun. Many high-ranking officials had been ordered to commit seppuku, and their families had been exterminated as well. Katsura had been devastated when he had heard about the purge, knowing for certain that because of his status as the leader of the Choshu rebels, his family would never be spared.

Yet one rainy afternoon in Kyoto, a drenched, starved, and wild-looking samurai had appeared at the gates of the Ishin hideout. With him, disguised heavily under a wide hat and grass cape, had been the fourteen year-old daughter of Katsura's elder brother. She had been the only one of their family who had escaped the purge.

Kenshin remembered his first look at the fugitive princess from Choshu. Her clothes had been streaked with mud, and her hair clotted with filth, but she had walked into the stunned circle of men with her head held high and her shoulders thrown back defiantly.

"My name is Katsura Ayumi," she had said, her voice surprisingly firm and authoritative for one so young. "I demand to see my uncle."

Kenshin had been standing against a corner of the building, observing her silently, when she had suddenly turned her head to stare at him, her gray eyes cool and impassive. They had lingered for a moment on the single scar on his cheek. Then she had been led away to meet her uncle.

Immediately that night, Katsura had ordered Kenshin to escort his niece secretly to the house of the famous geisha Ikumatsu. Grasping her by the wrist, Kenshin had pulled her hastily through the streets, stealthily darting from one shadowed alley to another, watching for any sign of the murderous Shinsengumi who relentlessly patrolled the city. But in spite of the forbidding darkness of that night, and the blood-slicked cobblestones under their feet, Ayumi had been fearless –- working to match his pace, her hand not shrinking away from his. Finally, they had arrived at the back gate to the teahouse. He had been about to leave her in the small garden, when she had caught _his_ wrist suddenly, stopping him.

He had looked at her in surprise. All he had been able to see in the darkness had been the proud tilt of her head and the rigid set of her shoulders.

"What is your name?" she had asked him quietly.

He had bit down on his impatience and muttered roughly: "Himura."

After a moment of silence, she had finally let go of his wrist.

"Himura-san. . .I thank you," she had murmured, and then she had turned and disappeared into the garden.

He had stared after her for a few seconds, and then he had left.

That had been the last time he had seen her, before he had left for Otsu with Tomoe. After Tomoe's death, he had returned to Kyoto with Katsura. Inevitably, Katsura had insisted on visiting his geisha lover, and so Kenshin had accompanied him to Ikumatsu's house. While Katsura had been closeted in Ikumatsu's room, Kenshin had sat in the hallway outside, standing guard by the door. All of a sudden Ayumi had appeared, sinking to her knees on the floor beside him.

That was how he had come to know her. Without fail, whenever he was there, she always appeared, bringing tea and sweets. He remembered the warmth of the tea, and the quiet conversations they had had. Not too long or too deep, just talking about nothing in particular. But before either of them had realized it, the end had come. As soon as he was able, he had left Kyoto to begin his life as a rurouni, never expecting to see Katsura or his niece ever again.

_I never said goodbye to her,_ he realized suddenly, looking up as Ayumi walked back towards him, a tray in her hands. The expression in her eyes was shielded by the glare of the flames. She knelt gracefully on the cushion beside him and began to serve tea.

Then an older woman emerged from behind the screen. Her kimono was worn and faded, but the silk was fine and the embroidery superb. Her hair was held in place by gleaming tortoiseshell pins. She smiled at Kenshin. The years seemed to lift off her face, and the warmth of her legendary beauty shone through.

"Ikumatsu-dono," Kenshin greeted her respectfully and bowed his head low.

She returned the bow graciously and seated herself next to Ayumi.

"Himura, how good it is to see you again," she began, but stopped speaking when her husband suddenly appeared from behind the screen.

Kenshin looked up and was immediately rendered speechless.

The youthful and dynamic master he remembered could not possibly be the gaunt, pale man who stood unsteadily before him now. Katsura Kogoro had been a man of incredible wisdom and remarkable strength, a peerless swordmaster, and the bravest Ishin Shishi of them all. Throughout the long agony of the Bakumatsu, he had labored tirelessly for their cause, risking his life countless times, all the while remaining unfailingly dedicated to his vision of a new future for the country.

Kenshin told himself that there was no way that all that strength and vitality could have vanished so completely. He refused to believe that the great leader of the Ishin had been reduced to this frail, ravaged man who leaned heavily on a cane and peered down at him through filmy eyes.

"Himura," he rasped, his voice gravelly and sounding very old.

Kenshin overcame his shock enough to bow his forehead to the floor and greet his former master properly.

"Katsura-dono. Thank you for graciously inviting me into your home."

Katsura sat down with Ikumatsu's help. He placed the cane on the floor beside him. Then he glanced at Kenshin's bowed head and chuckled.

"_Dono?_ In all the years I've known you, Himura, you've never been quite so polite. Come, come, enough of that. Sit up straight and look at me."

Kenshin sat up and hesitantly looked into Katsura's face.

"Well?" Katsura prodded. "What do you think? How do I look?"

Kenshin was at a loss for words.

"I'm happy to find you alive, Katsura-dono," he finally mumbled.

"Yes, I'm still quite alive, though for how much longer I can't say," Katsura muttered gloomily, then waved his hand dismissively in the air. "But we'll get to that later. First, tell me what you've been up to. You left us so suddenly, you scoundrel! Not even a goodbye! All these years, we'd given you up for dead. Poor Ayumi here mourned for you like it was the end of the world."

Kenshin glanced at her. She said nothing, her eyes fixed on the flames.

"So, what have you been doing these past ten years?" Katsura asked him.

"Nothing specific -- just getting by," Kenshin answered.

"You went straight to Tokyo after everything ended?"

"No, I've been. . .moving around, from place to place."

Katsura's rheumy eyes widened in surprise.

"You mean you've been wandering around all this time?"

"Yes."

"A rurouni, I see. Even now?"

"Yes."

Katsura shook his head, regarding Kenshin thoughtfully. "How surprising. From what I've been told, it sounded like you were quite at home at that dojo in Tokyo."

Kenshin's eyes took on a shadowed look, and he was silent for a moment. Finally he said, in a quiet tone:

"Excuse my impertinence, Katsura-dono, but may I ask how you came to know that I was in Tokyo?"

"Yamagata wrote to me," Katsura answered, naming the prominent government official and former Ishin Shishi, who also knew Kenshin personally.

"I see." Kenshin fell silent again.

Again Katsura prodded him:

"So –- what was life like in Tokyo? I really thought you'd settled there for good."

"I was only staying at the dojo temporarily," Kenshin answered, his tone flat. "I left just a week ago, after I received your letter. I have no intention of returning there again."

"Is that so. Where are you headed after your visit here?"

Kenshin merely shrugged and said nothing.

In the silence, Katsura observed his former assassin critically. Kenshin's reticence and obvious reluctance to speak about his experience in Tokyo surprised him. It certainly was at odds with what Yamagata had written in his letter. He had said that Kenshin seemed surprisingly content with life at the Kamiya dojo, and that he had seemingly established lasting relationships with several people there.

And yet, Kenshin sat before him now, moodily silent, the expression in his eyes veiled and dangerous -- more like Battousai than the rurouni Yamagata had described. Katsura himself had been surprised at how quickly Kenshin had answered his summons. To have made the journey to Otsu in just one week! And to never have the intention of returning to Tokyo, after having left so suddenly! That was not the behavior of a man who had finally found a much-longed-for home.

_What happened?_ Katsura wondered, then pushed the question to the back of his mind. He noted the deep hollows under Kenshin's eyes, and the painful thinness under the dark blue gi. He reached for the teapot and personally poured Kenshin a cup.

"Enough of questions," he said, smiling. He handed the cup to Kenshin with both hands. "Forgive my inquisitiveness –- it is just such a joy to see you again. But there'll certainly be lots of time to talk later, ne? Have some tea. Dinner will be ready soon, then you can take a nice bath and get some rest."

Kenshin accepted the cup with a slight bow.

"So you still have that gi," Katsura remarked.

"Yes," Kenshin answered quietly, staring down into his cup. "I treasure it."

"Ah, but you deserve more than just a plain old gi, Kenshin," Katsura murmured, glancing surreptitiously at his niece. She was looking at Kenshin's bowed head, her eyes open and unguarded, their expression deep.

Katsura chuckled to himself. Then he called her suddenly:

"Ayumi."

She turned away from Kenshin quickly and looked up in his direction. Even in the firelight, he could detect the blush that rose faintly in her cheeks. He suppressed a smile and said to her:

"Please get the bathwater ready. I'm sure Kenshin would like to bathe and rest as soon as possible after dinner."

Ayumi stood and headed for the door.

"Arigatou, Ayumi-dono," Kenshin said suddenly, without turning his head to look at her.

Ayumi paused for a second, then slid the door open.

"It's nothing, Kenshin. And. . .please, there is no need for the 'dono'. You are among old friends."

She walked out, the door sliding shut behind her. Her words hung in the air. Kenshin stared silently into the fire.

Katsura kept that moment in his mind, and sipped his tea.

* * *

Kenshin opened his eyes slowly. The sight of rough wooden timbers above his head startled him, and he sat up immediately. He looked around the room, disoriented. Suddenly he remembered where he was.

He rubbed his eyes and crawled out of the futon. He folded the bedding, then walked across the worn mats to the back porch and the well outside. After he had washed up, he headed back inside and found the house surprisingly empty. He was about to go back outside when he heard Katsura's voice call him from behind one of the screens:

"Kenshin!"

He hurried over and stood before the screen.

"I'm here, Katsura-dono," he answered.

"Still the 'dono'?" Katsura muttered, exasperated. "Never mind. Come over here. I want to talk to you."

Kenshin went to the other side of the screen. Katsura lay on his futon, a pile of heavy blankets atop him. In his flimsy sleeping kimono, with his hair in disarray, he looked even more frail. Kenshin knelt silently at his side.

"Ikumatsu and Ayumi went to the market this morning, so we have some time to ourselves." He sighed heavily. "It's been a while since we've spoken like this, ne, Kenshin?"

Kenshin nodded. Katsura settled deeper into his futon.

"Yes. . .it's definitely been a while. Remember those crazy days in Kyoto? How we used to run through the streets like rats in the night, hiding from the Shinsengumi? How we had to skulk under bridges and grovel like beggars in the street to meet our spies? How we talked like this, day and night, planning and plotting and hoping for the day the shogunate would finally be destroyed?" He looked at Kenshin for a moment. "But you probably don't need any reminder of those days, right?"

"If you're asking if I will ever forget Kyoto, Katsura-dono, then I can assure you, the answer is no," Kenshin replied flatly. "I will never be able to forget all that I did there, in those days."

"As you rightly should not," Katsura retorted. "You have brought about this glorious new era of freedom for our country, Kenshin. You and all the other courageous Ishin who supported the revolution by doing what they did best. All that you did was done only in pursuit of your duty. You have no reason to be ashamed of anything."

Kenshin was silent. Katsura sighed.

"I'm telling you, Kenshin, life is too short and too precious to waste by regretting the past. All those nights in Kyoto when I went without sleep, thinking and rethinking strategies in my head –- I only planned for the moment when we would finally topple the shogunate. After that, I honestly did not expect to live much longer. I was sure our defeated enemies would come for my head soon enough. . .And yet, look at me. Here I am. Every day, I open my eyes, and to me, the sun is brighter, the sky is higher than the day before -- all because I know that I fought for the existence of this particular day, in this particular time -- the Meiji, Kenshin! We are living the fulfillment of all that we've fought for!"

Katsura suddenly sombered.

"Unfortunately, I won't be living for much longer anymore," he finished bluntly.

"Katsura-dono!" Kenshin exclaimed in alarm.

"Don't tell me the thought hasn't crossed your mind, Kenshin," Katsura said with a slight smile. "Look at me. It gets harder and harder to move everyday. Soon I won't even be able to leave this bed. I've always been sickly, ever since I was a boy. Only the gods know how I've been able to survive those horrible days in Kyoto. But now," he murmured wryly, "it seems that a puny little cough is going to succeed where the shogunate has failed. This illness is finally going to bring me down." Suddenly he reached for a piece of cloth under his pillow and coughed into it, turning away from Kenshin as he did so.

Katsura's thin shoulders shook with each cough that wracked him. After his fit subsided, he folded the cloth with unsteady hands and turned back to face Kenshin. He saw the concern in the violet eyes, and chuckled.

"Ah, but not yet. Not quite. There's still some business to take care of. And that's why I've called you here."

"Anything for you, Katsura-dono," Kenshin vowed solemnly.

"Why thank you, Kenshin," Katsura said, genuine amusement lighting up his eyes. "Alright, then." He paused, and then said in utter seriousness:

"I want you to take Ayumi to Tokyo as soon as possible."

Kenshin could only stare at him in complete surprise.

Katsura went on smoothly:

"Since I've already explained to you the dire condition I'm in, you can understand why I want her to leave this place at the earliest possible opportunity. I want to be assured, before I die, that she has established a life for herself in a place far from here. I don't want her wasting her life away in this godforsaken hovel in the middle of nowhere. She's too young, too talented -- and she's my niece! The last of the Katsura family. She has a bloodline ancient enough to rival that of any princess you can find in Kyoto. I'll be damned if I'll allow her to stay here and live like a peasant for the rest of her life," Katsura muttered fiercely. He took a deep, wheezing breath, then continued:

"But, as you already know, Ayumi is quite headstrong. I've asked her time and again to go to Tokyo, or even back home to Choshu, to start her own life, but she refuses to leave me for any reason. So I'm counting on you to help me convince her. Once you two arrive in Tokyo, I want you to find her a safe place to stay. And a steady, respectable job so she can support herself." Katsura shifted slightly under the covers, then went on to assure him: "Don't worry about expenses for your journey. I'll give you some money before you set off for Tokyo. You can use some of it to get her settled."

"But what about Ikumatsu-dono?" Kenshin cut in.

Katsura smiled.

"Don't worry about her. After I die, Ikumatsu plans to enter a monastery. You see, at our age, peace and tranquillity are all we ask for, Kenshin. But Ayumi is far too young for that. She has yet to live her life. That's why I'm asking you to help me."

Katsura looked at Kenshin expectantly, with eyes that were suddenly clear and direct. For a moment, the glaze of illness had disappeared, and Kenshin found himself staring into the eyes of the master he remembered. The charisma and resolve behind his gaze was just as forceful as it had been years ago.

Kenshin was in turmoil. He had no desire to ever return to Tokyo. The mere idea of walking back into town after his hasty departure was preposterous. He did not, for any reason, want to risk bumping into Kaoru, or Sano, or any of the other people he had left behind. They were probably still furious at him for leaving without saying goodbye. He did not think he could ever face them again.

_Especially her,_ he thought, letting Kaoru's image slip for an instant into his mind. _I don't think I'll be able to stand it if I see her with Ryou again. . ._

He forced himself to think of Ayumi, and he groaned inwardly. Going back to Tokyo was hard enough on his own. Now it seemed like he would have to do it with Katsura Ayumi on his arm, of all people! As if he wasn't conspicuous enough by himself! Ayumi was an undeniably stunning woman. For him to walk back into town after his ignominious departure, accompanied by a woman who was bound to turn heads wherever they went! He found the idea highly distasteful.

And even if he were to find the courage to go back, he knew he would never be able to get Ayumi settled down quickly and quietly. She would stand out anywhere. She spoke with lilting, aristocratic refinement. She moved with innate grace. And she also happened to be the niece of one of the greatest and most revered heroes of the Restoration.

Kenshin was so consumed by his newfound problems that he missed something Katsura had said.

"I'm sorry, Katsura-dono, what did you just say?"

"I said, do you think it would be possible for Ayumi to stay at that same dojo you stayed at? Yamagata told me about it, and it sounds like a good place."

Kenshin paled considerably.

_Ayumi staying at the dojo!_ he thought frantically. _Absolutely impossible!_ Just the thought of Kaoru and Ayumi being together in the same room gave him uncomfortably strong premonitions of disaster. Both women were headstrong and unafraid to speak their minds. Kaoru was oftentimes bossy, and she was accustomed to the fact that at the dojo, her word was law. For her part, Ayumi could be chillingly imperious if she so chose, and she was also quite used to getting her own way. Those two would never get along.

_It doesn't matter,_ Kenshin realized suddenly, and felt himself slowly begin to calm down. _Because I'm never going back to the dojo. Never. Not even for Katsura._

He looked at his former master directly, and said in a firm voice:

"That won't be possible. I'm sorry, Katsura-dono."

Katsura studied him in silence for a moment.

"What happened in Tokyo, Kenshin?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing at all, Katsura-dono," Kenshin answered without missing a beat. "It's just impossible for Ayumi-dono to stay at that dojo because there simply isn't any space for her there. The dojo is quite occupied already. That is the same reason why I had to leave."

They heard footsteps outside. Kenshin continued speaking.

"But I promise you that I _will_ find her a good place to stay. And I will do everything I can to help her get started in Tokyo. On that, you have my word." He bowed deeply.

"I thank you for it, Kenshin," Katsura murmured.

The front door suddenly slid open and Ikumatsu stepped in.

"Tadaima!" she called out, her voice dainty and cheerful.

"Okaeri," Kenshin responded. Then Ayumi appeared in the doorway.

Their eyes met.

Kenshin stood and walked over to her. She was radiant from the morning walk. Her eyes were bright, and her cheeks glowed. Her hair had once more escaped its neat bun, and some slender black tendrils fell elegantly against the white curve of her neck.

He reached down to take the heavy basket from her hand. His fingers brushed hers. The sensation jolted them both.

She looked away.

"Arigatou, Kenshin," she said softly.

"It's nothing," he said with a shrug, "among old friends, right?" He turned and carried the basket to the small kitchen.

She stared after him for a second, unaware of the openness of the emotion on her face. Then she turned her head slightly. Her uncle was watching them both, his hazy eyes now piercingly wise and knowing.

She turned away from him and walked back outside.

* * *

_The plants are doing well,_ she thought, feeling a thick green leaf between her fingers. A drop of dew slid off the waxy surface. She picked up her trowel and wedged it under a large weed. She pulled the offending plant out efficiently, and moved on to the next one.

She worked steadily, her hands making the same, familiar motions with ease. The morning sun climbed slowly in the sky, but she was unaware of the humidity that had begun to blanket everything in a stifling warmth. She did not feel the sweat beading at her forehead, or the angry red welt forming in her palm as she tugged at clump after clump of heavily rooted weeds. She was glad to lose herself in the chore, glad to get away from the house and clear her mind. She needed time to think.

Before that letter from Yamagata had arrived, informing them that Kenshin was still alive, her existence had been comfortably peaceful -- every day predictable. It was a quiet life. They had lived in Otsu for the past eight years. Her uncle had embraced life in the country wholeheartedly, going for walks around the surrounding mountains every day. It was only in recent years that he had taken a turn for the worse.

Ayumi thought of the person her uncle had been not so long ago -- a man vibrant with youth, with eyes that had sparkled with laughter. She blinked back tears and tried to concentrate on the ugly weed before her. _I miss him so much, _she thought._ I want my uncle back. But I'm losing him, and there's nothing I can do about it._

Right. She dug her trowel in forcefully and yanked the weed out.

The back door of the cottage suddenly slid open, and Kenshin stepped out with a bucket in his hand. He looked at her briefly, then headed for the well.

She turned her attention to the next weed down the line. Her trowel sunk back into the earth, ready to uproot the plant, but her eyes were drawn, almost against her will, back to him.

He was drawing water from the well. In the bright morning sunlight, his hair shone like burnished copper. Thick, unruly locks of it fell against his cheek and hid his scar. He finished filling the bucket, and lifted it effortlessly from the rim of the well. His gi hung open to the waist, exposing the breadth of his lean, muscular chest. He walked back into the house.

She stared back at the plant before her, unseeing, his image vivid in her mind.

Kenshin was alive. Even now, that fact had not yet fully sunk into her consciousness. For so many years, she had believed him dead.

She still remembered that afternoon in Kyoto when her uncle had arrived suddenly at Ikumatsu's house and ordered the two of them to pack their things. The shogunate had finally conceded defeat, and the Meiji had begun. Katsura was taking them to a new house in Tokyo where they would live.

Overcome with excitement, she had watched the door anxiously, expecting Kenshin to walk in any minute, quiet and distant as always.

_It doesn't matter,_ she had thought, _as long as he'll live with us. As long as he'll stay with me. I'll do everything I can to make him happy, and make him forget all these terrible days we've gone through in Kyoto. . ._

"We must hurry, Ayumi," her uncle had said impatiently, cutting into her thoughts. "The riverboat to Osaka is leaving any minute now, and if we're late, we might miss our ship to Tokyo. Go and pack your things."

She had torn her eyes away from the empty doorway, and looked at him in confusion.

"But -– where's Kenshin?" she had asked.

He had hesitated before answering brusquely:

"He's not coming with us."

She had stared at him, stunned.

"Why?"

After a moment of silence, her uncle had sighed heavily and looked at her with sadness in his eyes.

"Nobody knows where Kenshin is, Ayumi. Nobody has seen him after the last battle. He's disappeared."

She had refused to think about what that statement implied.

"But surely he survived the battle," she had insisted.

Her uncle had said nothing.

At his silence, horrible images had begun to flood her mind –- Kenshin impaled by a sword, covered in blood and bleeding to death on a ravaged battlefield, his beautiful eyes turning dull and his lips fading to white in death. Tears had streaked rapidly down her cheeks, and she had looked at her uncle, seeing only a blur through the pain and fear that had wracked her inside.

Moved with pity, he had tried to embrace her, but she had moved away.

"He survived," she had continued to insist, her fists clenched at her sides, her back proudly rigid, stepping away from her uncle's outstretched arm. "He's Kenshin. Isn't he the best man you have -- the strongest, the bravest? Isn't he the best there is, uncle? Haven't you said so yourself? Of course he survived. Of course I'll see him again."

Her uncle had been silent for a long moment, clearly astounded at the extent of her passion for his former assassin.

"Of course you will, Ayumi," he had murmured at last. "Of course you'll see him again."

She had ordered herself to believe his words. Then it had taken all of her courage and strength of will to walk to the doorway and say in an inhumanly calm voice:

"I'll pack my things now."

She had forced herself to pack her belongings and follow her uncle and Ikumatsu to Tokyo. She had forced herself to settle into the daily rhythm of their new life, losing herself in her chores, being careful not to think too much about anything. And every night, she had forced herself into dreaming that the next day, Kenshin would just show up at their front door, his red hair gloriously in disarray as usual, and tell her that he had come to stay.

As the years had passed, she had finally found the strength to let go of that dream. When they had moved to Otsu, she had locked his image away in her mind, along with her memories of her parents and the people she had loved whom she would never see again. She had thrown herself into the chores on the farm, worked herself into exhaustion every single day, and tried hard not to remember him. But in moments when she was alone, in the secrecy of her heart, she had continued to mourn for him.

But he was alive. And he had returned to them. She looked back at the cottage again.

She wondered what her uncle had said in his letter to Kenshin. _Why did Kenshin leave Tokyo so quickly and arrive here so soon? _she wondered. _What was her uncle planning now?_

Her uncle definitely was planning something, and she was certain Kenshin had a part in it as well. She remembered how conspiratorial the two of them had looked earlier that morning. She wished she knew what her uncle was thinking.

He knew how she felt about Kenshin. They had never spoken of it, but because of that terrible afternoon in Kyoto, he was aware of the depth of her feelings for the young, red-haired Ishin. It had shocked him at first. It had shocked her even more.

She could not say when she had fallen in love with him. Maybe it had been when she had caught him staring at her, in that rainy courtyard, his eyes inscrutable and startlingly beautiful. Maybe it had been that night, in the garden of the teahouse, when she had held his wrist and discovered that she never wanted to let him go. Or maybe it had been during the countless afternoons she had sat with him in the hallway, keeping him company, talking quietly.

She treasured the memory of those days the most. They had talked about so many things –- serious and silly things alike. There had even been some rare, bright moments when she had made him laugh. And maybe somewhere along the way, during some forgotten afternoon in the quiet of that room, she had fallen in love with him.

She had been drawn not to the courageous patriot, but rather to the quiet, lonely man who held so much kindness and so much pain within himself. He had lost so much, but he had never spoken to her about his grief. It was only years later, when her uncle had finally told her the story of Tomoe-san's tragic death, that she had finally understood the torment behind Kenshin's shadowed eyes.

_Do you still think of her, Kenshin, when your eyes are far away?_ she wondered sadly. _We talked about so many things, but you never told me how much you were hurting inside. And I never told you the most important thing you had to hear. I never told you how much I loved you._

And how she loved him still. She dropped the trowel and stood, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She stared off into the distance, and for the first time, she noticed the beauty of the hills in spring.

Kenshin was alive. Now life held so much hope, and so much promise.

_I've lost so much, _she thought. _I've lost my home and my family. And now I'm losing my uncle, and there's nothing I can do to make him stay._

_But I promise myself I'll do everything I can to make you stay, Kenshin. I am not going to lose you again. You're all I have left._ _Stay with me. You don't have to be alone anymore. You don't have to wander anymore. I'm here. I'll be all you'll need. I'll hold you, make you laugh, make your eyes bright and your heart happy again. I'll make everything alright._

_I promise._

"I promise," she murmured aloud, the breeze brushing her lips. She breathed in deeply, and felt the perfumed air infuse itself into her blood. A sudden and new eagerness for life seemed to run through her veins, reaching the tips of her toes and urging her feet to start moving forward. She began to hurry back toward the house.

She had lost him once already, but now she had been given another chance. He had returned. Through some incredible twist of fate, he had come back to her.

She promised herself she would never, ever let him go.

She paused on the porch, looked back at the hills in the distance, and held the beauty of the morning close to her heart.

_Tomorrow the morning will be more beautiful, Kenshin, because I'll be spending it with you. And the morning after that, and the next. All the mornings of our lives, my darling. From tomorrow, we'll always be together._

_Tomorrow our life begins._


	7. A Time for Honesty *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Seven: A Time for Honesty**

"Wake up, Kenshin."

He heard the words as if from very far away. He turned his head toward the sound, and felt something soft and silky brush his cheek.

He opened his eyes. It was somebody's sleeve.

He looked up to find Ayumi bending over him, smiling. She was sitting on the edge of his futon, clad in a faded pink kimono that nevertheless brought out the gray of her eyes. Her hand rested lightly near his face, her fingers toying with the ends of his hair. She gently smoothed the unruly strands against the whiteness of his pillow.

"Your hair is as bright and tangled as I remember it," she murmured wryly.

Kenshin found himself unable to speak, too surprised by her presence, by the teasing tone in her voice, and by the feel of her fingers against his hair. He stared at her for a few stunned seconds before he finally found the presence of mind to sit up.

She was very close.

"Ayumi-do--" he started to say, then was shocked speechless again when her finger suddenly touched his lips.

"No 'dono', Kenshin," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "Not between you and me. The 'dono' makes you seem so distant, and. . .it pains me to hear it every time. Please don't make me remind you again."

After a long moment, he nodded.

"Thank you," she said, removing her finger from his lips.

Kenshin was so distracted, he didn't know what to say. He was still acutely aware of where her fingertip had touched his lips. It felt like a lingering burn. And at that moment, she was so close. Through the sheet that covered him, he could feel the warmth of her body against his leg. Her faint fragrance wafted around them both.

"Ohayou. . .Ayumi," he mumbled lamely. Her name filled the silence. Without the 'dono', it sounded highly intimate. He averted his eyes from hers uncomfortably.

"_Konnichiwa,_ Kenshin," she answered back with a chiding smile. "It's time for lunch."

He stared at her in surprise. In the slight pause, he could hear the faint gurgling of the soup boiling over the fire. Beyond the half-open door lay a washed-out, blinding noon sky.

_I slept till noon?_

"Please excuse me," he apologized quickly. "I'm usually up with the sun. I don't know why I didn't wake up this morning."

"Let me tell you why," she retorted. "You were completely exhausted from that insane trip you just made. Tokyo to Otsu in a week! Whatever possessed you to undertake such a thing? You probably didn't stop to eat or sleep, did you?"

He didn't answer. She sighed.

"You should take care of yourself, Kenshin. You've driven yourself so hard all these years. You need to rest. Don't take your strength or your health for granted." She paused, then added in a softer tone: "There are people who worry about you, you know."

He glanced at her. She met his gaze squarely. Her eyes were deep.

The tea kettle started to whistle. She rose to her feet gracefully.

"Anyway, lunch is waiting. Come when you're ready. After you eat, you can just rest or keep my uncle company. I'll be going out for a while."

"Where to?" he asked.

"The town. I have to buy Uncle's medicine."

Kenshin flipped the covers to one side, got out, and began folding his futon.

"I'm going with you," he told her, pushing the folded bedding against the wall and rising to his feet, sakaba in hand.

"Nonsense. You'll stay here and rest."

"Ayumi-do -– Ayumi," he corrected himself hastily, "I appreciate your concern for my health. But I've rested enough as it is. Please understand _my_ concern for your safety. You really shouldn't be going anywhere alone. The roads and the forests can be unsafe."

She looked at him for a moment.

"Alright," she conceded. "If you insist. But first, you have to eat."

Kenshin washed up quickly and went back inside. Katsura, Ikumatsu and Ayumi were already gathered around the fire, sipping tea and waiting for him.

He sat down on his cushion and bowed to them.

"Good day to you, Kenshin," Katsura greeted him, his voice rough. He took another sip of tea to clear his throat.

"And to you, Katsura-dono," Kenshin replied automatically, then heard the 'dono' and suddenly remembered what Ayumi had said to him moments ago. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. What he saw captured his attention fully.

She was a picture of striking elegance. She was kneeling on her cushion, her expression serene, her unbound hair flowing about her shoulders, anchored back from her face by a single pearl comb. She reached for the simple clay teapot and began to pour him tea.

He watched as the arc of clear green liquid fell twinkling into his cup. Then she put the teapot down and slid a bowl of rice before him. Holding her sleeve back with her other hand, she picked up her chopsticks and deftly began to place slivers of fish and vegetables on top of the rice.

"Go ahead," she urged him when she had finally finished. Kenshin looked down at the spectacular arrangement of food in his bowl. He had never seen anything like it in his life. She had twisted the slices of pickled radish so cleverly that they looked like dainty flowers scattered on a bed of rice. Little bits of wasabi made up the leaves. In the center, the strips of fish formed a scarlet fan.

His chopsticks lay untouched. He did not think he could possibly eat the piece of art that sat in his bowl.

"Kenshin?"

He looked up to find her watching him.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"No," he answered quickly. "No, it's just that –- "

"It's the most shockingly exquisite meal he's ever been presented with in his life," Katsura broke in with a chuckle. "Am I right, Kenshin?"

"H-Hai."

"Well, you should definitely dig in, because believe it or not, it tastes even better than it looks. Ayumi is an excellent cook. When she was little, she used to sneak into the kitchens of our house in Choshu and usurp the head cook. She wanted to be the one to stir, mix, and taste anything he made. She harassed the poor man mercilessly. But after a while, he let her stay and she learned how to cook many things."

"Like this sashimi," Ikumatsu joined in. "It's a unique kind of sashimi, with a different cut and preparation. It's a Choshu specialty, actually. I usually cook the meals, but today, Ayumi insisted on preparing it herself. In your honor."

"Please try it, Kenshin," Ayumi entreated him.

He bowed to her, highly embarrassed.

"I'd be honored to," he said, reaching for his chopsticks and picking up a sliver of fish. The moment he put it into his mouth, it melted into a delicate mix of flavors.

"It's wonderful," he told her after a moment. "Thank you."

She acknowledged the compliment with a smile. Only then did she pick up her own chopsticks and begin to eat.

"I told you," Katsura said, chewing on his own share of sashimi. Ikumatsu placed some more radish on his rice.

Kenshin took a long sip of tea. After he put his cup down, Ayumi gently perched her chopsticks on the rim of her bowl and reached for the teapot. She refilled his cup silently, then offered it to him with both hands.

He took it, amazed at the smoothness and grace with which she did everything. It was truly the most extraordinary meal he'd ever had.

"So what plans do you have for today?" Katsura asked him after a short period of silence.

"I'm going to accompany Ayumi. . ." Kenshin answered, pausing slightly, still unused to the loss of the 'dono', ". . .to town."

Katsura and Ikumatsu both noticed the sudden familiarity of the name, but neither of them commented on it. Instead, Katsura sipped his tea and nodded.

"Thank you, Kenshin. I've always felt terrible about her walking all the way to the village just to get medicine for me. I've tried to send Ikumatsu with her, but there's no reasoning with these two. I'll rest easier today knowing she's with you."

"If you'd taught me kenjutsu long ago, Uncle, as I begged you to, you wouldn't have to worry about me at all," Ayumi said with a shake of her head.

"A sword was not something I wanted you to be holding, my dear."

"Yes, but now I can't even defend myself. I have a dagger, but I don't even know how to use it."

"You don't need to use it," Kenshin gently interrupted her. "I'll protect you."

Her eyes traced over his features.

"Will you now?" she murmured. "Always?"

"As long as I'm here."

"Yes indeed," she agreed. "As long as you're here." _That's all that matters to me, _she thought. She put down her chopsticks and rose from the floor, carrying her bowl with her.

"Excuse me, but I have to get ready." She headed to the kitchen.

Kenshin finished his rice soon after. He was about to help clear the dishes when Ikumatsu waved him away.

"Go. She's waiting for you on the porch. Be back before dark, ne?"

"Hai," he said, hurrying outside, tucking the sakaba into his sash.

* * *

They started walking down the road in silence.

The town was a good distance away from the house, and to get to it, they had to walk over several hills and pass through densely wooded sections of the road. It was a beautiful afternoon. The sky was a high, spotless blue, and a cooling breeze aired the forest. He remembered this road. He had walked on it every day with Tomoe, going back and forth to the town, peddling his medicine.

_And now I'm back on it again,_ he thought. _I'm back here again._

After a short while, they reached the town. On the bend of the road, right where he had used to set up his little banner and sell his medicine, sat a young man with a large basket beside him. The banner planted in the earth next to him said: "Medicines for Sale".

The young man saw Ayumi approaching, and he stood hastily, dusting off his clothes.

"Ayumi-san!" he called out gleefully. "Konnichiwa! I have it right here, all packed up and ready!" He rummaged in his basket for a bundle wrapped in cloth. "Here you go," he offered it to her with a bow.

"Thank you, Toshiro-kun," she said with a smile, accepting the bundle graciously. She handed him several coins, then noticed that he was barely paying attention to the money that tinkled into his palm.

He was staring at Kenshin.

"Oh, by the way," she said quickly, "I'd like you to meet my friend, Himura Kenshin. He used to live here a long time ago, and he even sold medicines too, like you, once."

The young man's mouth was hanging open.

"Kenshin? Is it really you?" he asked, awed.

"Do you two know each other?" Ayumi interjected, bewildered at Toshiro's reaction.

"Do I know him?" Toshiro echoed. "Of course I know him! I was only a kid then, but I knew him! He used to play with me every day, after he'd finish selling his medicines. Don't you remember me, Ken-nii-chan? It's me, Toshi-kun!"

Kenshin's eyes suddenly widened as he recognized the impish face.

"Toshi-kun!" he exclaimed with genuine surprise and joy. "I remember now. We used to have mock swordfights with twigs as our swords. You used to beat me a lot!"

"That's because you always let me win," the boy accused with a crooked grin. "It sure is great seeing you again! After your house burned down, we all thought you were done for. And now, here you are. . .I never would've thought that you were friends with Ayumi-san."

"We've been friends for a long time," Kenshin said, then gestured to the banner. "So I see you've picked up where I left off?" he asked with a smile.

"Oh, this. Well, yeah. Lots of people had gotten used to having you around, bringing medicine to them, so after you left, they looked for somebody to continue what you did. My dad sort of took over. I used to help him. But now he's kinda old, so these days, I go around by myself."

"And he's doing a fine job, too," Ayumi added.

"I'm sure," Kenshin agreed.

"Is, uh, _she_ back too?" the boy suddenly asked.

Kenshin and Ayumi looked at him in confusion.

"Whom do you mean?" Kenshin asked.

"Uh, you know, that woman. Your. . .wife?"

Kenshin didn't answer. Ayumi glanced at him worriedly, then hastened to answer the question.

"Oh, you must mean Tomoe-san. No, Toshiro-kun, unfortunately she passed away years ago."

Toshiro stared at Kenshin in shock.

"I-I'm sorry," he said, his head bowed. "I didn't mean to be so rude. I didn't know. . ."

Kenshin interrupted him with a question.

"Do you remember her too?" he asked quietly.

The boy scratched his head.

"Well, uh. . .yeah, sort of. She was really quiet and she liked to stay in the house. I don't really remember her that well. But she was pretty and she was nice. I'm really sorry that she's gone."

"So am I," Kenshin said.

Ayumi did not like the low tone in Kenshin's voice. His hair hid his face, but she didn't need to look in his eyes to see the self-loathing that was beginning to engulf him once again. She tucked the bundle of medicine securely under her arm, and grasped his hand firmly.

His eyes snapped to hers. She ignored him and linked her fingers around his.

"Thank you for the medicine again, Toshiro-kun," she said with a tight smile. "We're in somewhat of a hurry, so we really should get going. But Kenshin will be staying here for a while. So if you want, you can come visit us anytime."

"Sure. Thanks a lot, Ayumi-san."

She nodded, then started walking back down the road at a brisk pace. Kenshin kept up with her, disconcerted by the grip she held his hand in, but deciding not to say anything about it.

He was too disturbed by memories that had suddenly sprung up in his mind. He remembered Toshiro and all the other neighborhood children who used to come up to the cottage to play with him. He remembered how they used to mob him after he came back from the village, tugging at his clothes and pulling him in every direction. He remembered the games they played, and the squeals of laughter that used to fill the afternoons.

And he remembered Tomoe.

He could see her so clearly now. Waiting for him by the porch, standing apart from the children, a ball left forlornly at her feet. So achingly, tragically beautiful. In his mind, he could still see the sadness in her eyes, and hear the heavy regret in her voice:

_"I'm sorry. I don't smile well. I like children, but. . ."_

_It was my fault, Tomoe,_ he thought. _I never gave you anything to smile about._

He was suddenly brought back to the present when he realized Ayumi had stopped walking. She had released his hand and had wandered a few feet away from him. He looked around.

She had chosen to take a different route home. This one wound around the other side of the hills. They were standing at the top of a lush slope that curved down into the valley below. Before them stretched out the whole countryside, the newly green hills glowing brightly in the afternoon sunlight. The rice paddies in the distance gleamed the same blue as the sky.

Ayumi was staring out at the view, her back to him. He watched her quietly.

Her hair lifted slightly in the breeze, like ribbons of black silk waving in the air. Suddenly she turned and looked at him.

At that moment, it struck him how like Tomoe she was. She had the same blue-black hair and deep, veiled eyes. She had the same grace, the same delicacy, and the same sadness that she kept hidden in her heart.

Her whole family had been forced to commit suicide because they had supported the Ishin. Tomoe had lost her fiancé because he had stood in the way of the Ishin.

_What have the Ishin really done?_ Kenshin asked himself, anguished. _What have we really done but bring pain?_

"I love it here," Ayumi said suddenly, cutting into his thoughts. He looked at her again. She was gazing out over the valley. She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed in the air.

"Do you smell that?" she asked, turning to him. "That's white plum. Its flowers are blooming around this time of year."

Her eyes were guileless. They were also a deep shade of gray.

_Snap out of it,_ he told himself. _She's not Tomoe. She's Katsura Kogoro's niece, and you promised to bring her to Tokyo. That's who she is, and that's why you're here. Remember the promise you made. Bring her to Tokyo, then get the hell out of here. You don't belong here anymore._

"Are you going to live here for the rest of your life?" he asked her quietly.

She looked at him strangely, then shrugged.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. But I probably will. It's so peaceful here."

"But in time, you'll be alone."

There was a long pause.

"Kenshin, why are you here?" she finally asked him, her eyes unwaveringly direct.

He decided to tell her right then.

"Your uncle wants me to bring you to Tokyo and help you start a life there."

"Ah, yes." She turned away and stared off into the distance. After a while she spoke again.

"And if I agree to go, Kenshin. . .would you stay with me in Tokyo?" she asked softly.

He was taken aback by that question. But there was only one thing he could say.

"You know I can't," he said gently.

"And if I don't agree to go, you'll just tell my uncle you tried, and then you'll leave, right?" Her tone held a stark trace of bitterness.

"I only promised to try to help you, not to stay."

"So why should I even bother going to Tokyo?" she retorted vehemently. "I'm not going to be any less alone there than here."

He could say nothing to counter that, because it was true. He sighed heavily. After a long moment, he said to her:

"Will you at least think about it? It would really put your uncle's mind at ease."

Ayumi wrapped her arms around herself tightly, and felt the tears beginning to leak out of the corners of her eyes.

_No!_ she wanted to scream at him. _I don't want to think about it! Not about Tokyo, not about my uncle, not about anything! Especially not about you. I don't want to think about how far from me you really are, and how calmly you're telling me now that you're going to leave me too._

_Do you really want to put my uncle's mind at ease, Kenshin?_ her heart cried at him. _Then stay. Stay with me and he'll never have to worry about anything anymore._

"Stay," she said aloud.

"What?" Kenshin said.

She wiped the tears away from her eyes hastily and turned around to face him. She held her head high and spoke to him in a steady voice.

"Stay. . .for a week. I'll talk to my uncle about Tokyo. You'll know my decision at the end of the week. But I want you to promise me that you'll never speak of this again."

"What do you mean?" he asked, trying to understand her.

A sudden glint of desperation sparked in her eyes.

"For the rest of the time you're here, Kenshin, I don't want to hear another word about going to Tokyo. I don't want you to try and persuade me to go. I want you to just _live. _Breathe in the air. Clear your mind. Rest. Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything. Just take the reality of each moment and hold it close before it's gone." She paused. "I just want you to spend some time with us before you go, that's all. My uncle is overjoyed to see you again. And I am too," she said, lifting her eyes to his without shame, courageously showing him what she held in her heart.

"We were such good friends once, Kenshin. Don't you remember? I've missed you so."

He was caught by the depth of the emotion in her eyes. Around him, the wind swept across the hill, and the buzzing of dragonfly wings and crickets filled the air. It was Otsu, exactly as he remembered it.

Again he had the strange feeling that he was being pulled into another world, the world of his past, made fresh and alive once more. What had become mere memories were now so vibrant -- the scent of the air, the colors around him, the hills before him. And the people he thought he had lost now existed in a vividly real way -- Tomoe in the scent of white plum in the air, Katsura waiting in the cottage, and now Ayumi, standing before him.

_Is this real?_ he asked himself.

The wind curled lightly about his ear, and whispered to him, drawing him closer and closer into its world:

_Does it matter? There is no other reality for you. From this moment on, this is your reality, this is your life. There never was a Tokyo, never a girl with shining blue eyes and trilling laughter that filled your soul. There is only now, this woman, this life, and your memories of this place. Begin living from where you left off, immerse yourself into the life of your memories. This is all that is true, all that is real, from now on. . ._

He looked at the woman before him. There was no longer a line between the past and the present, between living and remembering. He felt himself being drawn, moment by moment, inexorably into this life, the life of his past made present once again.

_Haven't you always thought you'd be happy just living here?_the voice in his head asked him. _Now you're back. Now you have the cottage and the farm and a woman asking you to stay with her. And she's kind, and beautiful, and so like Tomoe. . ._

_Stay. Beyond this world, there is nothing else, anyway._

"Alright," he said, finally giving in to the seduction of the whispers in his mind. "I'll stay."

* * *

Time flowed by in a succession of days. The rhythm of life at the cottage was peaceful, unbroken by any excitement or change. Kenshin slowly settled into his own routine. Every morning, he took a walk in the forest and waited for the pale gold mist to lift from the hills. During the day, he worked quietly in the field with Ayumi, tending the crops. And every evening, he sat on the porch and watched as the sky slowly faded into black, and the stars appeared, one by one.

_It is beautiful here,_ he thought, breathing in the sharp night air. _I feel. . ._

_Don't think about how you feel!_ he scolded himself. _Don't think. Just breathe._

He was staring thoughtlessly into the darkness when he heard the light swish of silk behind him. Ayumi suddenly appeared at his side. She sat down next to him.

"Have you seen a falling star yet?" she asked him softly.

He shook his head.

She was wearing a kimono he had never seen before. Yards and yards of moss green silk flowed over the lines of her body and pooled around her like water. Tiny bits of gold threaded into the silk caught the light and glistened as she moved. Her hair, once again unbound, fell freely over her shoulders. Her gray eyes were intense and deep.

The silence stretched between them. He didn't know whether she was expecting a compliment or not, or whether he should just sit there and keep his mouth shut and stare at the sky. Finally, he blurted the first question that came into his mind:

"Are you going out tonight?" he asked inanely. Where to, he couldn't even begin to imagine, but at least it was an attempt at conversation.

"No, not quite," she said with a smile. "I just thought I'd wear this tonight. I haven't worn it for a long time."

"Why tonight?"

"Because you're here," she answered simply.

Kenshin just looked at her, then shifted his gaze back to the darkness before them. Ayumi stared at his profile for a second longer, then reached for something by her side.

A high, lonely note echoed in the silence. Kenshin turned his head and saw the samisen in her hands.

"You still remember how to play?" he questioned, smiling slightly.

She nodded. "At the teahouse in Kyoto, this was all I used to do in the evenings. Aunt Ikumatsu taught me many songs the geisha sing."

"I see."

"Would you like to hear one?" she asked him quietly.

"I'd be honored," he replied politely.

She looked down at the slender neck of the instrument and hesitated, trying to decide which song to play.

He watched her silently.

The sounds of the crickets had faded into silence, and the wind had died away. The darkness wrapped them with its velvety warmth, and shielded them from everything and everybody else. The world was suddenly just the two of them, sitting under the stars, under a clear, boundless sky.

It was the last night of the week. The last night Kenshin would spend with them. The next day, she would have to give him her decision about going to Tokyo.

All she had was this night. It was her last chance to try to make him stay.

_I've tried,_ she thought. _I've tried so hard all week. I've taken care of him. I've talked to him, made him laugh, made him rest. I've tried to make him happy._

_But is he?_

_Why is he still so distant? Why can't I reach him? What am I doing wrong?_

_I don't care,_ she told herself fiercely. _I know what I want. I want him._

Her fingers began to move on the strings. She closed her eyes.

_Be brave and show him what's in your heart._

Softly, she began to sing.

* * *

Inside the house, Katsura lay on his futon and listened to the faint melody floating to him from the porch. He knew that song. Ikumatsu had sung it to him, years ago. And now his niece was singing it to Kenshin.

_It's strange_. . ._ how fate can bring you back in a circle, to where you used to be, and you find that everything is different and yet is really still the same. . ._

Katsura closed his eyes and remembered one snowy day, on this same hill, when he had made the trip up alone, searching for Kenshin's cottage in the midst of a storm. The doorway had been left open, snowflakes twirling into the gray darkness inside. And Kenshin, sitting in front of a burned-out fire, staring at a diary -- at a name that suddenly revealed everything to him. Shock, horror, devastation -- Katsura had watched them play out unchecked on Kenshin's face.

_It's all my fault, Kenshin. But I don't think you'll ever believe that. I ordered the job in the street; I sent Tomoe to go with you. Takasugi told me I'd ruin your life, and I've managed to do that quite thoroughly._

_I know that an apology would never be accepted and would be completely insufficient. So now I leave in your hands the one most dear to me._

The discovery of happiness and its loss. The circle had turned, and Kenshin and Ayumi had both traveled it whole. Now they were together, face to face, standing still at the point where everything ended and everything would begin.

His thoughts drifted to his niece.

_You were right, you know, Ayumi. He _is_ the best Ishin we had. The strongest, the bravest. And the most kind. I wouldn't have you end up with anybody else._

_Well, I've brought him here to you, my dear. It's all up to you now. Don't let him go._

Katsura smiled, her song lulling him gently to sleep.

* * *

On the porch outside, Ayumi paused, and opened her eyes. Kenshin regarded her in silence. She gazed back at him with all the yearning in her heart. Quietly, she sang the final words to the song:

"The gods of heaven are irrational,

So I may die and never hold you,

whom I love so much."

Her lips stilled, and the last note of the melody echoed heavily in the air. Kenshin looked away from her probing gaze. The words she had sung hovered in the silence.

Finally, he lifted his eyes to hers.

"You have a beautiful voice," he told her with a smile. "Thank you for allowing me to hear you sing."

She turned away from the friendly earnestness of his eyes, and clamped down on the wave of despair that threatened to engulf her. She bowed to him and forced a smile.

"It was my pleasure, Kenshin." She put the samisen down and rose to her feet slowly. "But it's getting quite late. Please excuse me. I wish you a peaceful evening." She bowed.

He bowed back. She disappeared into the house, her kimono whispering against the mats on the floor.

_A peaceful evening,_ Kenshin mused. _But am I really at peace?_

The answer he had been avoiding for so long came to him before he could block it out:

_No._

And he knew why.

He had thought he could enjoy, even for a little while, the simple life he had always yearned for -- raising crops and living on a farm. Even though Tomoe was gone, he carried her presence in his heart always, and he had honestly believed that he could rest for a while at the cottage, living quietly with Ayumi and Katsura and Ikumatsu. He had hoped to find some peace, some contentment -- even if he only shared their life for a week.

And yet, he had found none. All he felt was a terrible emptiness.

He let his shoulders droop wearily.

_I might as well be honest with myself_. _I miss her so much._

The more he had tried to immerse himself into his new life in Otsu, the more he had become keenly aware of how much he missed Kaoru. Every morning, while he walked in the woods and tried to meditate, he found himself wondering what she was doing that day. Every time Ayumi presented him with another fabulously prepared dish, he found himself wishing for the tough, chewy, burnt-to-a-crisp fish that Kaoru had a knack for making. And every night, in the absolute silence that covered everything, he longed to hear Yahiko's whiny voice screeching "Busu!" and Kaoru's answering scream of rage.

_I don't want to be here. I don't want to eat fancy meals, or sit on the porch every night listening to the samisen. I don't want anybody asking me every other moment if I want tea, or if my cushion is comfortable enough, or if I want to rest. I want to go back to the dojo. I want to hear loud voices and laughter around me. I want to have her chase me with a bokken, bonk me on the head, and then fuss over me afterwards._

_God, how I miss doing the laundry. And how I miss her._

He let her face linger in his mind for a long time.

_But. . ._

He stood up slowly and allowed her image to fade once again. If this was to be a night for honesty, then he had to be fully honest with himself. He did miss Kaoru. Desperately. But he also had to acknowledge the other, overriding truth:

She loved somebody else.

Ultimately, it didn't matter that he felt empty inside. Because there was nothing he could do about it now. He would always feel empty, and nothing, not a life of tranquil comfort, nor a princess who catered to his every need, could ever fill the gaping hole in his heart. He wanted Kaoru. Only her. But she would never belong to him.

He turned and went back into the house to sleep.

* * *

Ayumi lay awake on her futon. It was well past midnight, and Kenshin had gone to bed a while ago. She could not sleep. Morning would come soon enough, and with it, her decision.

She swallowed back the lump in her throat. The feeling of wild futility that had swelled up in her heart now threatened to choke her. She knew that no matter what she said tomorrow, Kenshin would still leave her one way or another. Whether he would leave tomorrow or after he brought her to Tokyo depended on her, but in the end, he would still leave. She had failed to make him stay.

_Why?_ she tormented herself. _What does he want? What is he searching for? Why can't I make him stay?_

Suddenly she heard a moan from behind Kenshin's screen. She froze for an instant and listened intently. His breathing had suddenly become pained.

She flung her blanket away and got up, moving quickly and silently across the floor to where he lay.

He was in the midst of a nightmare, thrashing against his futon, his legs and arms tangled in the sheets. Sweat streaked down his forehead. He breathed in short, strained little gasps.

She sank down next to him and began to smooth his forehead soothingly.

"Shhh," she whispered. "It's okay. I'm here now. It's only a bad dream."

He muttered something, his fist clenching tightly against the sheet. She covered his hand with hers.

"It's alright," she repeated. "I'm here."

Slowly, his hand relaxed its grip on the sheet. She linked her fingers with his, and began to hum to him softly.

His body stilled, and his breathing gentled once again. She caressed his forehead tenderly, brushing his hair away from his face.

He slipped back into peace. She stared down at him.

_He's so beautiful,_ she thought, her finger tracing the scar on his cheek. A rush of yearning swept her heart. Unable to resist, she lay down on the futon, curled her arm around him, and held him tight. She buried her face in the softness of his hair.

"I love you," she whispered. In the silence, she could hear her heart beating with his.

Suddenly his lips moved. His head began to turn restlessly on the pillow once again. He was murmuring something. She raised her head. Strands of her hair touched his cheek as she leaned forward to listen closely.

Her heart stopped.

No. She refused to believe what she had just heard. She halted her breathing and focused her eyes on his lips.

_Please don't say it again,_ her heart begged him.

But he did. He murmured it again, and this time, she heard it clearly.

"Kaoru."

Ayumi felt the pain lance through her heart. She looked down at him sorrowfully. His breathing was starting to become erratic again, and he was slipping back into the nightmare.

"Kaoru," he mumbled, his fingers gripping hers tightly. "Kaoru. . ."

"Yes," she finally lied, her heart breaking, desperate to calm him back into sleep. "Yes, my darling, it's me. It's Kaoru. I'm here."

As if he heard her, his lips stopped moving and his head slowly came to rest against her shoulder. After a few moments, he finally settled into a deep sleep.

She watched him as he slept. Then she disentangled her fingers from his, rose slowly to her feet, and walked back to her waiting futon. She crept under the covers. In the secrecy of darkness, she began to weep, bitterly and silently, into her pillow.

For at the moment that she had finally held him in her arms, he had murmured another woman's name. And nothing but the assurance of that woman's presence had been able to drive his nightmare away.

* * *

"Good morning, Uncle."

Katsura looked up to find Ayumi standing beside his screen.

"Why good morning, Ayumi." He studied her face critically. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes."

He didn't think so. She looked like she hadn't slept at all. Her face was pale and drawn. Her eyes, however, were abnormally bright, and at that moment, they were focused piercingly on him.

"Well, I'll be ready for breakfast in a minute," he said, disconcerted by her stare. "I'll just -- "

"Uncle, may I see Yamagata-san's letter again?" she cut in, her tone impatient.

Katsura regarded her silently. It was highly unlike Ayumi to be so discourteous.

"Please," she added quietly, her eyes becoming more transparent. Finally he recognized the emotion in them. It was a barely suppressed anxiety, a frantic determination that she was fighting to keep under control. Without another word, he reached into the wooden box beside him and drew out a thin slip of paper.

She took it from him and unfolded it. Her eyes scanned across the page swiftly. Then they stopped. She stared at something for a long moment.

Finally she refolded the letter and handed it back to him.

"Thank you," she said, her face expressionless. "By the way, Uncle, I am leaving for Tokyo today with Kenshin. I have decided to do as you have asked."

Katsura was completely caught off guard.

"You've agreed to go to Tokyo?" he asked her in disbelief.

"We are leaving after breakfast. As I will be somewhat busy preparing my belongings, would you be so kind as to inform Kenshin of our imminent departure?"

He stared at her. She met his gaze coolly, her head held high, her eyes like flint.

"Of course," he finally managed to say.

"Thank you." She turned away from him and walked briskly across the floor to her screen. She knelt before her small cabinet and began to pack her clothes into the woven bag she would bring. Her hands moved efficiently, but her mind was working furiously on something else.

She had been right. The name of the woman who owned the dojo where Kenshin had stayed was Kamiya Kaoru. Unquestionably, she was the same woman whom he had been calling for in his sleep.

Ayumi felt the pain throb dully in her chest, but she smothered it forcefully.

_Don't think about last night,_ she ordered herself. _Only about what you're going to do in Tokyo._

She took a deep breath and steeled her jaw. She knew exactly what she was going to do in Tokyo. She was going to see for herself what this Kaoru woman looked like, and why Kenshin had murmured her name in his sleep. She was going to find out why he had left Tokyo so suddenly.

She had to know if he loved that woman or not, and if she loved him back.

_And if she does? And if he loves her too?_ the voice in her head questioned.

Her hands paused for a moment.

_I don't know,_ she answered honestly. _But I have to find out the truth. I want to know why his eyes are always pained and distant, and why he is never truly happy. I want to know what it is that he's seeking, what it is that I can't give him._

_I love him. And I can't stand it anymore, knowing that he's unhappy. I have to find out the truth._

She finished packing the bag, and tied it securely shut.

_To Tokyo, then,_ she thought. Where all the answers lay.


	8. Tokyo *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Eight: Tokyo**

Ryou stood in the baking afternoon sun and watched his students spar with one another. His eyes roamed restlessly over the group of boys -- inspecting their stances, judging the skill behind their attacks. He watched as one boy charged his opponent with a ferocious cry. The other boy's shinai went flying out of his hand.

"Ichiro!" Ryou called out sternly, striding towards the boy, who stumbled to retrieve his shinai hastily from the ground. "That is the second time today! What's wrong with you? Why aren't you paying attention?"

The boy, who was normally one of his more able students, hung his head in shame and remained silent.

Ryou grasped the boy's wrist roughly.

"Stop being a brainless twig and keep your mind on that sword pointed at you! And how many times do I have to tell you to change your grip? Hold your shinai like this!" He rearranged the boy's fingers brusquely. "Do you understand?"

The boy nodded sullenly.

Ryou straightened. "Go at it again. I don't want to see any mistakes this time, you hear?" When the boy didn't respond, he barked:

"Answer me!"

Ichiro's head snapped up and he stared at his teacher, wide-eyed.

"H-Hai!" he stuttered.

"Fine. Now get to it."

"Hai!" Ichiro gripped his shinai and lunged at his waiting opponent.

Ryou watched the pair for the next few minutes, still bristling with irritation.

_Another rotten day,_ he thought morosely.

For the past month, it seemed like the whole world had suddenly gone to hell. The dojo roof was leaking again, his best students were performing poorly, and he himself couldn't seem to keep his temper reined in. Lately, he found himself severely reprimanding his students for the most trivial mistakes, to the effect that the once-comfortable atmosphere in the dojo had now deteriorated into a tense, strained silence.

And that was only at the dojo. The situation at home was much, much worse.

He looked up as Kaoru stepped in through the gate.

She did not even acknowledge him with a glance. She headed straight for the kitchen, her basket of groceries firmly clutched in one hand.

He felt the anger begin to warm his blood.

_What the hell is wrong with her now?_ he thought irritably. At first, he had thought her aloofness was due to some passing mood swing, but the icy silence between them had already lasted for over a month. He had tried to ignore it at first, but it was fast becoming intolerable. Nowadays she barely spoke to him, and even avoided him to the extent of neglecting her training in kenjutsu. She stayed in her room most of the time, coming out only to do the groceries and make some half-hearted attempt at cooking a meal for him and Yahiko. What she did in her room all day, he had no idea. She refused to allow anyone inside, and pretended she was asleep whenever anybody came by.

Ryou let out his breath in frustration. Although he was getting quite irritated with her, he was becoming far more worried about her health. She was getting skinnier and paler by the day. He didn't even know if she ate or slept anymore.

_What happened?_ he asked himself. Everything had been going so well –- the dinner, the kiss, the promise of their life together. . . And Battousai had even voluntarily removed himself from the picture. Things had been going so much better than planned. Most importantly, Kaoru had finally agreed to become his wife. He had been the happiest man in the world when she had told him her decision. Yet strangely, since that day -- the day after Battousai had left -- she had begun to distance herself from him.

Not just her, either. Yahiko too. Yahiko, who used to follow him everywhere, now kept to himself and went to practice only when forced to do so. Lately he had become quite belligerent, and the two of them had even gotten into a few heated shouting matches.

Ryou scanned the courtyard. Where _was_ that kid? He was supposed to be practicing with the others.

Ryou walked around to the other side of the house. He finally spotted Yahiko in a remote corner of the yard, swinging his shinai listlessly.

Ryou headed towards him purposefully. Yahiko ignored him.

"Yahiko, I told you to go practice with the other students."

Yahiko kept his eyes trained straight ahead. He swung his sword again.

Ryou's hand flashed out and caught it. Yahiko glared at him.

"Go to the courtyard and practice with the others," Ryou repeated, his tone dangerously low.

"I don't want to practice with the others!" Yahiko retorted.

Ryou gave him a hard stare.

"You will practice with the others if you wish to remain in this school, Yahiko."

"Then screw your school! It sucks anyway!"

Ryou whipped the shinai out of Yahiko's hand and whacked the boy flat across the chest, flinging him halfway across the yard.

Yahiko lay in the dust, gasping for breath. Ryou walked over to him slowly. Yahiko pulled himself to his feet, nearly doubling over from the stinging pain of the large red welt on his chest. He raised his head and stared at Ryou murderously.

"You brat," Ryou said coldly, looking down at him with disdain. "How dare you speak that way about Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. You're a disgrace. You're so full of yourself, you've forgotten that you've been admitted to the school only because Kaoru took pity on you."

"Shut up!" Yahiko yelled at him furiously.

Ryou arched a brow.

"Why should I? It's the truth, isn't it?" His tone became cutting. "Keep in mind, Yahiko, that you are here only through Kaoru's charity. You have lessons for free, you stay and eat here for free. Therefore, you'd better keep a civil tongue in your mouth. As long as you stay here, I am your master, and I expect complete, unquestioning obedience. Is that understood?"

"Go to hell!" Yahiko spat.

Ryou clenched his fist and fought to control his temper. Yahiko clasped his chest painfully and summoned his strength to shout back at Ryou:

"Don't you dare talk to me like I'm some charity case! I may not pay with money, but I work like a slave for this school! I scrub the floors and I even do laundry for you, you scumbag! I do all these disgusting chores because I want to learn kenjutsu and I want to help Kaoru! So don't you dare talk down to me! I'm Myoujin Yahiko, Tokyo samurai, and I have more honor than you, you overblown pile of garbage!"

The shinai in Ryou's hand flashed out again in a slicing arc. Yahiko found himself on the ground once more, writhing with pain.

"When you can stand," Ryou said flatly, "I want you to pick up your worthless little body and drag it out of here. Go back to the slum you crawled out of. And don't even think of returning here again."

Ryou turned his back and began walking away.

"I hate you," Yahiko hissed.

Ryou kept on walking. Yahiko clawed at the ground, gasping from the pain. He stared at Ryou's back hatefully. Then he let his head sink to the ground. He was hurting so badly, he couldn't even move an inch. Tears began to spill out of his eyes, and his fingers curled into the dirt.

"Kenshin," he whispered, hating his weakness and wishing earnestly that he had even an ounce of Kenshin's strength.

Ryou heard the whisper and stopped in his tracks. He faced Yahiko and stared down at him.

"Calling for Battousai, Yahiko? Don't bother. He's never coming back. He's a coward just like you, all bark and no bite. He didn't even stay to fight for the woman he wanted."

"You can think that if you like," Yahiko muttered, grimacing in pain. "But Kenshin will be back. This is his home. He'd never leave us with scum like you infesting the house."

"Well, that is just what he did, Yahiko-chan, sorry to tell you. He did leave. And now, everything is as it should be. I'm the master of the dojo. I'm marrying Kaoru. And you're going to find somewhere else to live."

_You're wrong,_ Yahiko thought. _You don't belong here, and Kenshin will come back to kick you out and make everything right again._

At the thought of Kenshin, he remembered what the rurouni had told him the first time they'd met:_ Keep that pride with you always._ Yahiko grit his teeth and forced himself to sit up. The pain sliced across his chest, but he ignored it, and dragged himself to his feet. He stood unsteadily before Ryou and glared at him defiantly, drawing strength from the pain burning in his chest.

"Don't worry, I'm getting out of here," he said with a twisted smile. "I just feel sorry for Kaoru because she has to put up with you until Kenshin gets back. But it'll only be a little while longer. And by the way, if you're wondering why she doesn't talk to you anymore, let me clue you in: she hates you too."

"Shut your mouth."

Yahiko laughed, gasping.

"Yep, she hates you because she thinks you made Kenshin leave for good. That's why you'll never get her to love you, no matter how many times you fix the roof, or how many students you bring in here. She'll always love him because he's not an asshole like you are. He'd never scream at other people or call them worthless or disgraceful. He'd never make me do all the housework by myself. And he'd never, ever _hit _me," Yahiko hissed fiercely.

Ryou gripped the shinai until his knuckles went white.

"Get out," he whispered harshly.

But Yahiko was already calmly making his way to the back gate.

"So enjoy this life while it lasts, Ryou," he called out. "And when Kenshin comes back to kick your ass, I'll be watching."

He disappeared through the gate. Ryou stood in the yard for a long time. Then he walked back to the courtyard, where his students were still practicing.

"That's it for today," he said loudly. "See you all tomorrow."

They all stopped and looked at him in surprise. He glared at them in exasperation.

"You heard me! Go!"

The boys bowed hastily and scrambled to leave.

Ryou locked the gate behind the last student and leaned against it for a second. The courtyard was bathed in a heavy silence. He took a deep breath, then fixed his eyes on the kitchen door.

Kaoru. He'd had enough of her ridiculous attitude. It was time to find out the truth.

* * *

Kaoru chopped the radish carelessly into irregular chunks. She watched as the knife sliced cleanly through the white flesh.

_Is this radish dead?_ she wondered. _Did it die the minute it was pulled up from the ground? Or am I killing it now, slice by slice?_

Suddenly she cut her finger. Dark red blood immediately began to seep from her fingertip. She stared at it, feeling no pain.

_I must be dead,_ she thought. _I don't feel a thing. But if I'm dead, what am I still doing here? Why do I keep waking up every morning? Why am I still cooking dinner? _

_Why won't these people leave me alone? I wonder how many cuts it will take till I'll be left alone? Till there'll be nothing, no me, no anything, just darkness all around?_

She raised the knife and watched the firelight gleam off its edge.

_It's so sharp. So clean and sharp. I bet if I touch it to my throat and slash quickly, I won't feel a thing. . .what's a cut to the throat when I can't feel anything anyway? Maybe then I'll stop waking up and stop having to breathe. It's getting so tiring having to breathe, in and out, in and out, when it's really all so pointless. . ._

"Kaoru." The voice broke into her thoughts.

She lowered the knife and resumed her chopping. She felt him walk across the kitchen and stop behind her.

He spoke again.

"Kaoru, we need to talk."

The sound of chopping filled the silence.

Ryou let out a sharp, impatient breath and moved closer till he was beside her. He looked down at the chopping board and his eyes widened in horror.

Her finger was bleeding profusely, and the white chunks of radish were all streaked with blood. He stared at her. Her face was blank, and she continued to chop calmly.

He grasped her hand in alarm.

"You're hurt!" he exclaimed.

With a flick of her wrist, she cut him. He jerked back his hand and stared incredulously at the gash on his arm. She gripped the knife threateningly.

"Don't touch me." Her voice was dead and flat.

He stayed where he was, stunned. The look in her narrowed eyes was one of pure, palpable hate. She slid her gaze back to the chopping board, continuing to slice the pinkened chunks of radish into smaller bits. A long silence stretched between them.

He didn't know whether she had gone completely insane, or whether she was just in a really foul temper. He had never seen her like this before. In fact, he hadn't been able to see her like this, up close, for almost a month. His eyes skimmed over her face. It was gaunt and haggard -- the skin pale, the cheeks sunken. Dark circles ringed her eyes, and her cheekbones and jaw jutted out painfully from the planes of her face. Her wrinkled kimono hung limply from her bony shoulders. She looked weary and drained, but her hand nevertheless held the knife with amazing steadiness.

"What the hell is going on, Kaoru?" he demanded. "What's wrong with you?"

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"Just to talk to you! Look at you! What happened? You look like you're having a breakdown or something!"

She started to laugh. Ryou watched her, his fear and worry increasing with each second. Her body swayed lazily away from the counter, the knife dangling loosely in her hand and glinting crazily in the firelight. She kept laughing –- high, rippling peals of laughter that echoed eerily in the kitchen. She wavered slightly on her feet.

"Give me the knife," he said, taking a step towards her.

Her laughter suddenly ceased. "Don't come near me," she warned.

He took another step forward.

The knife suddenly came flying at him. He ducked just in time to see the blade embed itself into the wall behind his head. He stared at her, his eyes wide with outrage.

"Have you gone mad?" he shouted at her. "What the hell are you doing?" He strode to her and gripped her roughly by the shoulders, shaking her forcefully. "Kaoru, _what is wrong with you?_ Why are you like this?"

"Let. . .go of me!" she shrieked. Deftly, she gripped one of his wrists and pried his hand off her shoulder, twisting the arm painfully backwards with sudden strength. Ryou yelped with pain, releasing her instantly.

She stared back at him, shaking with rage.

"What more do you want? You have the dojo! You have me! Can't you just leave me alone?"

"I don't _have you,_ Kaoru! This isn't you! Ever since Battousai left, you've been like this -- "

"Shut up!" she screamed at him.

"This _is_ about him, isn't it! I can't believe this." Ryou raked a hand through his hair and drew in a deep breath. "I can't believe you're driving yourself insane over him. He left. He's gone. Get over it already!"

"_You_ made him leave!" she accused, her voice ragged and shrill, the calm completely gone from it.

He found the words almost laughable. "_I_ made him leave? I assure you, Kaoru, I did nothing of the sort. He left because he wanted to. Stop lying to yourself. Obviously all this -- this house, the life here, _you _-- all this meant nothing to him. Can't you see that? He just threw all that away without even looking back."

"Kenshin would never do that! There's a reason why he left, and it's you! It's all your fault!"

He stared impassively at the virulence of the hatred in her eyes, and in that instant, realized that it was hopeless. He felt as if he were talking to a wall. She was just like Yahiko -- just as stubborn and blind and foolish. And he had had enough of them both.

"Fine," he snapped. "I'll admit it. I did everything I could to have him out of our lives forever. Actually, you should be glad he left, because I probably would have killed him sooner or later. I teach the sword that protects life, Kaoru, but I am a samurai above all things. And it is my duty to destroy Battousai in any way I can. In truth, the war never ended. Battousai will never change. The people he killed will never come back to life. And as long as I live, I will be his enemy."

He fell silent, watching for the effect of his words. Kaoru's lips parted slightly.

"You were going to kill him," she whispered, shock knocking the anger out of her voice. "The whole time. . .you were waiting to kill him. . ."

"I still am," he replied, now uncaring. "If we ever cross paths again, I _will _ kill him." He paused and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm done trying to explain why to you. If you want to destroy our life together, go ahead. I love you, and I had hoped we would have a good life, but it seems you're not going to let that happen. Honestly, I could care less. After all, you _were_ right. I _do_ have the dojo, and I _do_ have you. As long as you take care of _my_ house, cook _my_ meals, and bear _my_ children, you can hate me as much as you want. All that matters is that you fulfill your duty to me."

She stood there and stared at him for a long time. Then:

"Get out."

He arched a brow.

"Excuse me?"

"I said get out!" she yelled.

He shook his head slowly. "Sorry, sweetheart, but it doesn't work that way anymore. You see. . ." he stepped closer to her and brushed his knuckles against her jaw, ". . .I own this house now. Just like I own you."

She slapped his hand away, glaring at him fiercely.

"What are you talking about?"

"You agreed to marry me, didn't you?"

"I'm changing my mind!"

He smiled at her. "It's a bit late for that, I'm afraid."

His smile had a dark cast to it that sent a creeping of fear up her spine. He sensed the tension in her body and chuckled softly.

"Because you see. . ." he continued, "in the eyes of the law, we _are_ married already, Kaoru. The day we got engaged, I made a little trip to the municipal clerk and had us registered as man and wife. Of course, that included the transfer of all your possessions into my hands."

"That's nonsense!" she retorted, her fist clenching. "I never married you!"

He tilted his head slightly to the side and regarded her with amusement. "So you think that the only way to be married is to drink three cups of sake at a shrine with a priest chanting in front of us?" He laughed. "If that's the case, more than half the married couples in Tokyo aren't really married at all! No, Kaoru-chan. . .all it takes is some conjugal living arrangements and the permission of your parents. But since you don't have any parents, your destiny is in the hands of your guardian. . .who -- as far as this town is concerned -- happens to be _me._"

"Go to hell!" she spat. "I'm going straight to city hall and I'm going scream my head off! Let's see what this town will think of _that._"

He shrugged.

"Do whatever you want. But I'm telling you -- the papers have been signed, and everything is done. Everything -- the house, the dojo, and you -- it's all mine now. I guess the irony is that I did all that with nothing but good intentions. Everybody goes to city hall before they get married, you know. I just did it for us since you didn't want to go out."

She stared hatefully at the calmness in his eyes, and strode to the wall, reaching for the knife still embedded in it. He moved quickly, his hand clamping over the handle before she could pull it out.

She looked at him coolly.

"Afraid I might kill you, Nii-chan?"

"Not at all. Don't forget that I'm your master, Kaoru. I know exactly what your limits are."

With brute strength, he brought the side of his palm crashing down on her wrist. Her fingers automatically uncurled from the handle and she clutched her hand, her bones pounding with pain. He yanked the knife out and moved closer to her, backing her up against the wall.

"Let's get something clear here, Kaoru-chan," he said softly, tipping her chin up with the point of the knife. "You _are_ my wife. You'll stay with me, and we'll continue the school, have children, and do all the things that would have made your father happy. Don't even think of running away. It won't change anything. Besides, think about your father. His own daughter, abandoning his legacy! I don't think you'd take it upon yourself to shame your own name like that, would you?"

The tip of the knife prevented her from making any reply. He withdrew the blade and stood up, glancing at the mess on the counter. "I guess we can skip the radish for tonight. Just heat up the leftovers from lunch, then."

He disappeared from the room. Kaoru stood plastered to the wall for what seemed like an eternity, his words echoing in her head.

_I own you. . ._

_There has to be a way_, she told herself fiercely. _I won't let him do this._

_Kenshin. . ._

"Why is this happening to me?" she whispered. She stared at the kitchen door. Tears were slowly beginning to blur its lines.

_You don't have time to cry!_ she shouted at herself.

With an impatient hand, she wiped her cheeks dry and picked up a kitchen towel. She wrapped her bleeding finger in the folds and wadded up the rest of the fabric into her palm. Closing her fingers around the cloth, she headed out the door.

* * *

They arrived in Tokyo shortly after dark. The road from the countryside had merged directly into one of the main thoroughfares of the city. Ayumi let her eyes follow the stretch of lantern-lit shops that extended far into the darkened horizon. It was evening, and Tokyo had come to life.

Kenshin grasped her arm and began to pull her through the throng of people that lay ahead. He moved down the street quickly, skillfully weaving his way around the clumps of people in their path. Ayumi forced herself to keep up. She glanced at him. His face was shadowed, and his hair was just a slip of ponytail hanging from under his hat. He looked exactly as he had that night in Kyoto when he had led her through the streets to the teahouse. His grip was just as strong, and his pace just as relentless. Except that now, there were two scars on his cheek, and his eyes were far more weary. . .

_But I trust him just as much,_ she thought. _And I love him even more than I did then._

Kenshin suddenly turned at a corner. The street they were on now was quieter and lined on both sides with dark, shuttered houses. They walked down the length of the road. The noise of the shops slowly faded into a faint echo in the distance. Crickets hummed lightly in the silence.

Kenshin stopped before a plain wooden gate and knocked.

"Is this somebody's house, Kenshin?" she asked him.

"No, it's an inn," he answered her, somewhat distractedly.

"Oh. I see."

The gate opened, and an elderly woman appeared. She bowed to them.

"Good evening," she greeted them graciously.

"Good evening," Kenshin replied. "Would you happen to have room for two?"

"Why yes, of course, certainly." She gestured for them to enter. "Come in, come in." She started walking up the pebbled walkway to the front door.

Kenshin followed her, Ayumi behind him.

"We'll be needing the room for at least three days," he added.

The old lady nodded serenely.

"Don't worry, it will all be arranged. You two look like you've been on the road. You must be quite tired, ne? How about a bath, then some tea in your room?"

"That would be wonderful," Kenshin said earnestly.

She chuckled softly, then picked up the lantern that hung on the porch, and slid the front door open. She led them upstairs to a small room. The tatamis that covered the floor were worn but clean. Two futons with fresh sheets were already laid out on one side of the room.

"Please, make yourselves comfortable," the old lady said, leaving the lantern in a corner. "I'll have the bath ready as soon as possible."

Kenshin nodded. She toddled back down the stairs. He slid the door closed behind him.

He scanned the room.

"I hope this is fine with you. I'm sorry it's so bare, but it's the best I could do tonight."

"Oh, this is great, really," Ayumi assured him. She walked over to the window. The street outside was still and quiet. In the distance, she could see the countryside to the east. "And the windows face east. It'll be beautiful in the morning."

"I guess."

She glanced at him. He had dropped his bag and had seated himself on the floor. He was stretching his legs out thankfully.

She slipped her bag off her back and sat down beside him.

"I bet that feels good, huh?" she said with a smile.

He undid the straps at his chin, and flung his hat to the side. He let himself fall backwards onto the floor with a deep sigh.

"You don't know," he murmured, closing his eyes. He exhaled deeply.

She looked down at him. His ponytail had loosened, and his hair fanned out into an unruly mass -- flame-red in the shadow, and gold where the lamplight touched it. She brushed her fingers against its silkiness.

Glancing at his face again, she discovered that he had opened his eyes and was watching her silently.

"What is it?" he asked her after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"You're worried about something."

She shook her head and tried to smile.

"It's nothing. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

She shrugged lightly.

"Oh, about how we've finally arrived in Tokyo." She paused. "And about what we're gonna do tomorrow."

"Well. . .we have to find you a job," he answered. "And a place to stay."

She looked down at her hands and avoided his gaze.

"Yes," she agreed, her voice soft. "Yes, I know."

Kenshin studied her face for a moment.

"But that can wait a day," he muttered, closing his eyes again.

Ayumi's head snapped up.

"What?" she asked him, her brow knotting slightly.

Kenshin ignored her and turned onto his side.

She stared at his back. She knew what she had heard. He had said that the job hunting could wait a day.

"Kenshin!" she bugged him, grasping his arm and shaking him insistently. "What do you mean that it can wait a day?"

She looked at his face. He kept his eyes tightly shut, but a grin was tugging at the corners of his mouth. She shook him again. "Kenshin!"

His eyes opened.

"What?" he demanded, pretending to be irritated.

She was undeterred.

"What do you mean it can wait a day? What are you planning to do tomorrow?"

When he still didn't answer, she grasped the edges of his hair.

"If you still won't tell me, I'll pull!" she threatened, a wicked smile twisting her lips.

"Okay, okay, okay!" Kenshin said hastily, sitting up and yanking his ponytail out of her hand. He shot her a sidelong glance. "I just thought you might enjoy a day out on the town, that's all."

Her mouth dropped open.

"Are you serious! A day of fun tomorrow? For real, Kenshin?"

He was slightly abashed at the hopeful look in her eyes.

"Well, it's nothing big. Just a walk downtown, and some shopping, if you like. I mean, after such a long trip, I figured we'd need a break –- "

Ayumi suddenly flung her arms around him and hugged him tight.

"Oh, you're the best!" she exclaimed, then she released him and sat back on her heels. "A day of shopping! In Tokyo! I haven't been here in so long, Kenshin. I'd love to go around and see what's changed." Her eyes crinkled with delight.

"Then that's what we'll do tomorrow," he said with a smile.

"Excuse me!" a voice called out. They both turned and looked at the door. The old lady had returned. "Your bath is ready!"

"Go ahead," he told Ayumi.

She stood and smiled down at him.

"Thank you, Kenshin. Truly. I appreciate your thoughtfulness."

"It's nothing," he said, about to remind her of what she had said to him in the cottage, when she interrupted him:

"I know. Old friends, right?"

He nodded.

"Hai. Old friends."

* * *

Later that night, Kenshin sat up on his futon and watched her sleep.

He had never planned to spend the next day shopping and sightseeing. In fact, he had intended to get up at the crack of dawn and start visiting the more respectable institutions in town in an effort to find Ayumi a job. After that, he had intended to find her a place to stay, wait a day to get her settled, and then leave soon afterwards. He had been determined to get everything done as quickly and discreetly as possible.

And yet he had actually offered to go downtown with her the next day, promenade along the city's busiest street, and shop in the market, where almost every vendor knew him on a first-name basis.

_Why did I offer to do that?_ he asked himself again. He looked down at Ayumi's peacefully sleeping face.

He knew why. He had done it for her.

During their two-week journey from Otsu to Tokyo, they had been able to do lots of catching-up. She was still the same friend he remembered –- quick to make him laugh, skilled at putting him at ease. Though they had discussed many things, she had done most of the talking. Her stories had been all about her life in Otsu, and her uncle's hilariously disastrous attempts at farming.

Not once had she asked him about his life in Tokyo, nor had she ever mentioned Tomoe's name.

Those two weeks on the road had been a happy time.

_But now we're in Tokyo._ He gazed at her sadly.

_You've always been a good friend to me, Ayumi,_ he thought._ I'm glad we met again. I'm glad I got to be with you, even if it was only for a little while. . .I haven't laughed like that in a long time._

_But we both know I can't stay._

He couldn't stay because he knew he could never be truly happy with her. At the sound of her step, in her silhouette in a darkened room -- he would forever be seeking another woman's face. And in the end, that would only cause her grief.

_I'm leaving you again soon, Ayumi. That's all I've ever done to you, huh? You've always been kind and generous to me, and I've always repaid you by leaving without saying goodbye._

_Not this time. Tomorrow will be your day._

It would be a day for laughter, for forgetting about their problems and the future they both had to face alone. It would be a day for walking near the river in the shade of the cherry trees, for breathing in the spring air under a high blue sky.

It would be a day for being young again.

They had never been young, he and Ayumi. How quickly they had grown up in Kyoto. How well they had learned the truth about hatred and suffering and death.

He looked out at the darkness beyond the open window. Somewhere under that stretch of sky, Kaoru lay fast asleep. She was so close once again. He only had to walk down the road and cross a couple of bridges into the other side of town, and he would be back at the dojo again.

He asked himself what he would do if he saw her on the street tomorrow. Once more he hesitated about his plan, wondering whether it was really a good idea or not. He looked at Ayumi again, and remembered the delight that had lit up her face earlier that evening.

He made his decision.

It was irrelevant whether he met Kaoru or Sano or anybody else of his acquaintance on the street while he and Ayumi were out. That part of his life was now over, and there was no longer anything left to be said. Neither his yearning for Kaoru, nor any accidental meeting with her, could change the fact that she had chosen to love somebody else. Anything that happened would really make no difference. If they acknowledged him, he would acknowledge them. If they completely ignored him, he would do the same. Either way, it no longer mattered to him.

_Tomorrow isn't about me, anyway, he told himself. It's about Ayumi. Tomorrow will be my gift to her, the gift I've always neglected, the gift that she deserves after all these years. . ._

A day of happiness, and a goodbye.

_Tomorrow will be my goodbye._

_

* * *

_

Saitou looked up as the doors to his office flew open. A woman, her hands tied behind her back, was escorted into the room by two patrolmen. Grabbing her by the arms, they pulled her before his desk.

"Get your hands off me!" she snapped, trying to squirm out of their grasp.

His brow lifted a fraction as he recognized the face.

"What's this?" he questioned disinterestedly, his eyes returning to the document before him.

"Sir, this woman is being charged with disturbing the peace and -- "

"I was _not_ disturbing anyone!" she cut in heatedly. "It's that man's job to explain himself to me!"

"What was she doing?" Saitou asked the men, completely ignoring her outburst.

"I was just about to get to that, sir. She was, uh, assaulting Uno-san."

"The clerk?"

"Yes, sir."

"I did _not _-- " Kaoru started to break in, when Saitou interrupted her:

"You're under arrest, girl. Shut your mouth." He turned his attention back to the patrolmen. "So that makes it two charges -- assault and disturbing the peace."

"Actually, sir, there's two more. In the process of resisting arrest, she assaulted us too."

Saitou leaned back in his chair and took a long drag from his cigarette. He assessed Kaoru coolly.

"Alright. You two get out of here," he muttered.

"Yes, sir." The two men bowed and left the room. The door shut behind them.

"Do you mind untying this please?" Kaoru said coldly. "My arms are going numb."

"Criminals stay tied up," he told her flatly.

"I'm not a criminal!"

"Really? With one count each of public disruption and resisting arrest, and three counts of assault, I'd say you're looking very much like a criminal right now." He took another drag. "Care to explain yourself?"

"I went to city hall to fix something that was illegally done! That's all! _I_ should be the one reporting criminals to you right now! You want to arrest someone? Go get that clerk and Hasegawa Ryou! They're guilty of fraud, bribery, blackmail -- "

"You're accusing your own husband?" Saitou asked skeptically.

Kaoru gaped at him. "He's _not_ my husband!" she said forcefully, renewed rage firing up her eyes. "I _never _married him! What makes you think we're married?"

"It's all over town. You've been living together for a while now, haven't you? And you've also made it quite known that he'is now the master of your dojo."

"Yes, but that doesn't make us -- "

"Did you sign anything?" he asked her abruptly.

She blinked. "What?"

"Did you sign anything he asked you to?"

Suddenly she had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Things had happened so fast that she had completely forgotten that paper. . . What had it said? She remembered the afternoon he had come to her, that paper in his hand.

_"Just sign this, Kaoru-chan. It's just some paperwork that we need to hand in."_

She had signed it without even looking at it, pressing her seal in the corner carelessly, impatient for him to get out of her room.

_What have I done?_

Saitou flicked the ash off his cigarette. He glanced at Kaoru with expressionless eyes.

"There's nothing you can do," he told her. "What you signed was probably a marriage certificate. And because you signed it, it's completely legal."

"I didn't know it was a marriage certificate!" she protested.

"Then you shouldn't have signed it."

She stared at him. "Are you telling me there's nothing I can do but stand by and watch this man take control of everything I own? I want him out of my house!"

"It's not your house anymore," Saitou pointed out.

"I can't believe this!" Her hands strained against the rope in frustration. "I can't believe he can get away with tricking me like this and stealing -- "

"Having a contract signed is actually quite common," Saitou informed her. "Not everyone can afford a shrine ceremony. For that reason, a contract to marry constitutes a perfectly legal proof of marriage. Meaning. . ." he inhaled deeply, "you have no case. Turn around."

"What?"

"Turn around."

She did as she was told. Suddenly she heard a hiss of air. The rope that had bound her hands fell in pieces at her feet.

She turned around and stared at him. He had resheathed his sword and seated himself once more, his attention now on the disintegrating length of his cigarette. Kaoru remained where she was, staring at the cut ropes on the floor.

Finally he spoke.

"You're not a stupid girl, so I'll try saying this to you," he said, raising his small, narrow eyes to hers. "Hasegawa can be dangerous. But I don't think he'll do you any harm. Go back to your house and be quiet. I'll look into this and see what I can find."

Her mouth fell open in disbelief. "You're helping me?"

"I'll ignore what happened today," he muttered dismissively. "Go home." He looked back down at the papers before him.

After a short while, she turned and left the room quietly. It was then that Saitou leaned back in his chair and took another long drag from his cigarette.

First Battousai left. Now Hasegawa was up to something.

Things were certainly getting very interesting at the Kamiya dojo.

* * *

Kaoru walked down the street listlessly, her wrists still sore from the rope. Several stores down, the banners of the Akabeko flapped invitingly.

_Just heat up the leftovers, _Ryou had ordered her.

She pressed her lips together firmly, and headed straight for the restaurant.

_Heat it up yourself, you bastard, _she thought, striding towards the door. She was about to step inside when Sanosuke suddenly came running out. He crashed into her and sent them both tumbling to the ground.

He stared at her in surprise, and stayed where he was, sprawled atop her.

"Jo-chan!"

Kaoru tried to push him off unsuccessfully.

"Get off me, Sanosuke!" she screeched, trying to kick his heavy limbs off her chest.

"Shhh!" He sprung to his feet and pulled her up with him. "You have such a big mouth, Jo-chan! I'm trying for a discreet exit here!"

Kaoru was about to make a smart retort, when Tae suddenly ran out of the restaurant, a bill clutched in her hands.

"Ah, there you are!" she exclaimed, spotting Sano.

Sano grabbed Kaoru's wrist and darted quickly into the crowd on the street. He wove his way around several clumps of people before dashing into the shaded entrance of a pottery shop.

Soon enough, Tae came running by, a look of dismay on her face as she searched in vain for him. She paused for an instant, looked down at the bill in her hand, and sighed heavily. Shaking her head, she turned around and headed back to her restaurant.

Sano grinned as he watched her leave. Then he glanced at Kaoru and saw the narrowed outrage in her eyes.

"Why are you looking at me like that for?" he demanded. "You haven't even apologized for blocking my way and making me trip!"

"Apologize!" Kaoru sputtered. "Sanosuke, you're impossible! How could you do that to poor Tae? You can't just keep eating at her restaurant without ever paying your bill, you know!"

"I told her to put it on my tab, like always!" he retorted impatiently. "What's one more little meal, ne? And besides, you don't know Tae. She and I are actually very good friends. She doesn't really have the heart to charge me. All that running after me with the bill –- that's all for show! If she didn't do that, other people would start to eat-and-run, too. So you see, we have an understanding."

"I'm sure," Kaoru muttered.

Sano shrugged. His eyes moved quickly over her face.

"Nice to see you, Jo-chan. It's been a while, ne? By the way, are you taking Yahiko back today? He's getting annoying, you know."

She stared at him blankly. "Yahiko?"

Sano looked at her, one of his brows arching.

"Wow, you've really been busy lately, huh, Jo-chan? I never see you anymore, and now you're telling me you don't even know that Yahiko didn't come home last night."

"_You_ don't even know what's going on, Sano!" she snapped. "Things haven't been easy for me!" She stared out at the crowd of people in the street. "Let's go, then. I'll take him back now."

"What happened anyway?" Sano asked. "Did Ryou yell at him again?"

At the mention of Ryou's name, Kaoru's face turned grim.

"I don't know." She stared up at Sano curiously. "You mean they haven't been getting along?"

Sano shook his head.

"You really have been out of it, haven't you, Jo-chan? You don't even know what's going on in your own house anymore." He flicked his finger against her straggly ponytail. "And what the hell is this? You used to have the sexiest hair of all the babes in Tokyo, Jo-chan! Now it's oily and stringy and. . .eeeew! You've got dandruff too? Don't you shampoo anymore?"

"Shut up!" she shrieked. "You're insufferable, Sano!" She tossed the ponytail defiantly behind her shoulder. "I'm fine! I just didn't know that Ryou and Yahiko haven't been getting along." _Although now it doesn't surprise me_. "They seemed to like each other a lot."

"Well, maybe you should get out more!" Sano shot back, rubbing his head. "By the way, how's Ryou, anyway? I haven't stopped by in a while, but I've been hearing things. . ."

"Like what?" she asked suspiciously.

"That you two got married." Sanosuke waited for her to deny it. "Well?"

"Of course we didn't!" she retorted, a wave of revulsion rising up within her at the thought of Ryou. The whole town thought they were married. According to the law, they were.

_Why did I ever agree to marry him?_

She had done it in one numbed, dazed moment when she no longer cared what would happen to her life. It had been the day after Kenshin had left. Ryou had come in and held her, comforted her, and assured her that everything would be fine. That they would always be together.

Then he had asked her to marry him.

And she had said yes. And so when he had asked her to sign that paper, she had done so without question. It was only later that the question of blame reared its vengeful head in her mind. Who was to blame for Kenshin's departure? Over the course of endless days in her room, she had gone from laying the fault on Kenshin, to herself, to Ryou.

Ryou. All the trouble had started with him.

She was now convinced everything was his fault, that he was the villain in the whole mess her life had become. And yet, without thinking, she had managed to marry him and hand over everything she owned into her hands.

_What have I done?_ she felt like wailing. A trap was closing in on her, a trap from which there was no chance of escape.

"Jo-chan."

She looked up to find Sano watching her worriedly.

"You sure everything's alright?" he asked.

She nodded quickly. He was relieved to see the crazed look in her eyes begin to fade.

"Of course. Everything's fine. It's just that I'm worried about Yahiko. It's my fault that he left. I've been neglecting him all this time. If anything had happened to him, it would have been all my fault."

Sano was quiet for a moment.

"No, Jo-chan, it wouldn't have been your fault at all. Not at all. So stop beating yourself up over it, okay? Nothing happened. If it worries you that much, you can come by and check on the brat yourself. I'm sure you'll find him just as loud and rude as ever. Especially since he's probably hungry by now," Sano added with a smirk.

"Alright," she agreed, stepping back into the street. "Let's go."

They started walking. Kaoru stared off into the distance, slipping into deep thought.

Sano observed her surreptitiously.

_She's really in bad shape._ _She probably hasn't eaten or slept in a while. Now her life's nothing but a shitty mess, and the poor girl thinks it's all her fault._

_Damn you to hell,_ Kenshin, Sano thought vehemently. _This is all your fault. How could you leave her like that, you bastard! Doesn't she mean anything to you? Isn't she worth fighting for?_

The thought of Kenshin was riling him up so much, he stuck his fishbone into his mouth and grit his teeth on it furiously.

He had been enraged when he had learned of Kenshin's sudden departure. Once again, the thick-headed rurouni had left without informing him first. But what had angered him even more was that Kenshin had simply surrendered Kaoru into Ryou's hands without a fight.

Everything had gone downhill from then on. Kaoru had been devastated, Megumi had been furious, the two of them had had a fight, and now were no longer speaking to each other. Plus, Ryou (according to Yahiko) had apparently turned into a sniping, mean-tempered taskmaster. Sano would never have guessed that his easygoing gambling partner was really such a villain at heart.

_But I'm sure you knew that, Kenshin, _Sano thought bitterly. _You were suspicious of him from the start. But then, that just makes everything all the more your fault. How could you have left Jo-chan with him when you knew he was an evil bastard all along?_

Sano ground the fishbone with his teeth.

_You'd better hope we never meet again, Kenshin. You'd better stay in whatever hellhole it is you've crawled into after you ran out of here. Because if I ever see you again, I swear I'll beat the crap out of you._

"Filthy coward," Sano muttered.

Kaoru looked up at him.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing." He swept his eyes around the street restlessly. "There sure is a lot of people out here today."

"It's a nice afternoon," Kaoru said, glancing at the shops' colorful streamers flying in the breeze. She'd forgotten how enjoyable it was to go for a stroll downtown.

"Yup," Sano agreed absently. Then his eyes locked onto something in the distance. He whistled low.

"What?" Kaoru asked him, frowning.

"Would you look at _that,_" he murmured slowly.

Kaoru followed his gaze, and soon found herself staring as well.

In the shade of a parasol shop some distance away, stood the most exquisitely stunning woman Kaoru had ever seen. Her kimono was simple, and her manner unassuming, but everything about her exuded impeccable taste. She held out a pale, slender hand and reached for one of the parasols on display. She slid it open, perched the handle elegantly on her shoulder and ventured a few feet into the sunlight to try it out.

Now they had a better view of her face. And in spite of herself, Kaoru felt a twinge of envy.

_How could she have skin like that? So smooth and fine and flawless. . .I bet she never worked a day in her life!_

Sano's eyes skimmed over the woman's figure appreciatively.

"_That_ is what you call a certified hot chick, Jo-chan," he said with a grin.

"Hmph! Whatever," Kaoru muttered, grabbing his arm. "Come on, Sanosuke. I want to see Yahiko. Besides, she's _way _out of your league."

She was about to drag Sano away when the woman suddenly snapped the parasol shut and whirled around, a giggle of delight escaping her.

"I think I've found it!" Kaoru heard her say. "This one's really nice, Kenshin! Come over here and I'll show you!"

Kaoru felt the blood drain from her face. Sano's mouth hung agape.

"Did I just hear her say _Kenshin,_ Jo-chan?" Sano whispered.

He didn't have to wait for her answer. A man emerged from under the shade of the storefront. He wore a dark kimono and a wide-brimmed hat that hid his face, but the ponytail that swung over his shoulder was a stark, flaming red. At his waist, partially concealed by his wide sleeve, hung a sword.

_It's Kenshin, alright,_ Sano realized with shock.

The woman linked her arm with Kenshin's, and stepped into the sunlight. She opened the parasol.

"See?" she said. "It's gorgeous, isn't it? And it's wide and the paper is waxed very well, too."

"Aa, sou de gozaru ne," Kenshin replied.

She drew the parasol shut and poked it at him playfully.

"_Sou de gozaru_ ka? You're 'de gozaru'-ing me again, Kenshin! No 'dono', no 'sessha', and no 'de gozaru' allowed, remember? You'd better watch it, or I won't buy you dinner later, like I promised!"

"Iya, iya!" he said hastily, grinning at her and reaching for the parasol. "Here, give it to me. I'll pay for it now."

"You really will?" she said, a smile lighting up her face beautifully. "Oh, you're such a darling!" She hugged his arm closer to her and began to lead him back to the shop. "Alright, come on, let's pay for it. And afterwards, I'll treat you to a snack, ne?"

The two of them headed back into the shop.

Kaoru and Sano stood in the street, frozen with shock, people milling around them. Sano's eyes were still glued to the storefront. Suddenly he remembered Kaoru, and he glanced quickly at her face.

She was deathly pale, and her eyes were unblinking and blank. He watched as a tear slipped slowly down her cheek. Then he noticed that her lips were moving.

"Kenshin," she was whispering, the sound raw and broken. "Kenshin."

_Oh shit, she's lost it,_ Sano thought. _But then again, I must be going insane, too. I did not just see Kenshin going shopping with an unbelievably gorgeous chick on his arm. I did not just see him laugh and smile at her like he didn't have a care in the world._

Sano looked down at Kaoru's face again, and his heart twisted with pity. And rage.

_How dare you do this to her, Kenshin. You bastard._

"Come on, Jo-chan," he said grimly, grabbing her arm and pulling her forward. "Let's say hi to Kenshin."

Kaoru suddenly stopped in her tracks and shook her head wildly. She tried to wring her arm free from his grip. Sano glared at her furiously and tightened his hold.

"_You_ are coming with me," he bit out through gritted teeth. "I want him to see what he's done to you. And I want you to watch while I teach that bastard a lesson he's never gonna forget."

He pulled on her arm viciously and headed straight for the store.


	9. Sacrifice *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Nine: Sacrifice**

Ayumi clasped the parasol and gave the proprietor a sweet smile. The man bowed deeply in return.

"Arigatou gozaimashita!" he called out.

"Domo," Kenshin said, inclining his head slightly. He turned to look at Ayumi.

"Happy?" he inquired.

She smiled and linked her arm with his.

"Of course. I have the loveliest parasol imaginable, and I get to have a snack right now with the best-looking man in Tokyo._Plus_ dinner later tonight. _And_ I get to take him home after that. What more could a girl ask for?"

A light flush rose in Kenshin's cheeks. He shook his head.

"The things that come out of your mouth, Ayumi!" he murmured. "Your uncle would be shocked."

She laughed.

"What have I said but the truth?" She turned to the proprietor, who was watching them both with a bemused smile.

"Isn't that right?" she asked the elderly man. "Isn't this young man here the most gor—"

Kenshin made a hasty bow and purposefully headed towards the door. Ayumi stumbled after him, her arm locked at his elbow. She tossed an apologetic smile behind her shoulder as Kenshin pulled her through the doorway.

The brightness of the afternoon glared into her eyes. She squinted and took a look around. The street before them was noisy and thronged with people. She inched closer to Kenshin's side.

"Ken--" she started to say, when a furious, strident voice sliced through the din on the street:

"KENSHIN!"

Her head whipped to the right, where the voice had come from, and she saw a blur of a fist heading straight for her face. She stared at it, frozen with horror.

Suddenly Kenshin's arm swung out, and she found herself thrown to the ground.

The impact knocked the breath out of her chest. She lay there for a stunned moment, trying to comprehend what was going on. Her arm was twisted under her, and sharp stabs of pain shot up from her elbow. Then she heard the crack of bone crashing against bone, and she looked up to see Kenshin's head snap to the side as a brutal punch landed on his jaw.

"Kenshin!" she cried, her voice shrill with terror as she watched his body fly backwards in the air and land in a crumpled heap several feet away. She stared at his unmoving body, a sudden rush of fear paralyzing her.

Then she heard the voice again.

"Get up."

She looked up. The crowd had formed a circle around them, and people were watching the scene in mute fascination. The man who had punched Kenshin stood a few feet to her right. He was tall, seedy-looking, and clad in a shabby white outfit. Bandages were wrapped around his hands. His eyes were narrowed into menacing slits focused unrelentingly on Kenshin. He spat out a fishbone and began walking over to where Kenshin lay.

The fear that had paralyzed Ayumi suddenly turned into a cold liquid that raced through her veins, jolting her into action. She dug her injured elbow cruelly into the ground and pushed herself up. Pain seared her arm. She bit her lip and forced herself to stand up. She stumbled past the white-clad man, and sank to the ground beside Kenshin.

His lip had been cut open. Blood trickled down the side of his mouth. Ayumi touched his face with a shaking hand and wiped the blood away.

"Kenshin," she whispered, her voice hoarse with fear.

"Get up!" the harsh voice cut in again. She turned to find the stranger standing behind her, looking down at Kenshin, a sneer curling his lip. He clenched his fist threateningly.

"What do you want?" she cried out at him, tears of anger and desperation starting to streak down her face.

The man's gaze flicked to her briefly. Ayumi suddenly felt a touch on her arm and she looked down to find Kenshin staring up at her.

"Daijoubu?" he asked her quietly.

She had scarcely nodded when he rose to his feet and helped her up. He thrust her protectively behind him, then he faced the white-clad man squarely.

"Sano."

The man snorted.

"Nice to know you still remember me, Kenshin." His eyes raked over Kenshin insolently. "Don't you look great. New gi, new girlfriend, huh? Too bad you've let your training waste away. That punch was nothing, and you almost snapped like a twig."

Kenshin said nothing for a long moment, then he made a curt bow.

"I'm glad to see you again, Sano," he said politely. He started to turn away.

Sano's voice stopped him.

"Are you really? Well, I bet you'll be even more glad to see _this_ person."

Sano strode to the circle of onlookers and grasped a woman by the arm. He dragged her forcefully before Kenshin. She stumbled free of his grip and fell to her knees in the dirt.

"Remember her?" Sano asked, his voice rough with rage. "Not too long ago she was the love of your life, wasn't she?"

Kenshin was caught completely off guard. The bland expression vanished from his face, and he stared down at the woman, his eyes wide with shock. His mouth opened slightly, but no sound came.

Ayumi glanced at him worriedly, then watched as the woman shakily got up from the ground.

_What is going on?_ Ayumi thought desperately. Suddenly she looked up as Kenshin murmured something.

"Kaoru-dono," he breathed, his eyes fixed unwaveringly on the woman's bowed head.

The woman kept her head bowed and her eyes downcast.

Ayumi regarded her with newfound clarity.

_So that's her. That's Kamiya Kaoru._

Then the woman looked up, and Ayumi gasped.

It was not the face of the raving beauty Ayumi had imagined her to be. The woman who stood before them now was a weary, defeated woman –- her eyes dull and tired, her face a haggard mask. She remained silent, only lifting her eyes to meet Kenshin's stare.

Suddenly the dullness slipped off her eyes. Ayumi was stunned by what she saw in their depths.

Kamiya Kaoru's eyes were extraordinarily blue and brilliant with pain. Ayumi felt as if she were seeing the woman's heart laid bare before her. Such pain, and sadness, and. . .love. Enduring, aching, all-consuming love. She watched as Kaoru's eyes moved slowly over Kenshin's face, pausing tenderly as if she were memorizing its lines and shadows, and the color of his eyes. At that moment, Ayumi knew that Kamiya Kaoru loved Kenshin beyond her own life.

_Kenshin. . ._

Ayumi glanced at him again. He was still staring at Kaoru, still rigid with shock.

In that instant, Kenshin's mind was racing. He could not tear his eyes away from Kaoru's face.

_What happened to her?_ he thought frantically, taking in the paleness of her face and the thinness under her kimono. _What went wrong?_

"Have a good look at what you've done to her, you bastard!" Sano shouted at him furiously.

Kenshin saw the fist coming again, but he made no move to dodge it. He was held frozen by the keen sadness in Kaoru's eyes.

Sano's fist connected with his jaw, and his vision went white with the pain. He fell backwards onto the dirt. He could hear Ayumi screaming at Sano to stop.

The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. He grasped at the dirt and forced himself back up.

Sano did not give him a chance to catch his breath. He pummeled Kenshin, then dealt him a swift kick that sent him flying. Kenshin landed on the ground with a sickening thud.

Absently he wondered how many of his ribs had been broken.

_I deserve this,_ he told himself. _Whatever happened to Kaoru happened because I wasn't there to protect her._

_You're not supposed to protect her,_ the voice in his mind retorted. _Ryou is._

Ryou. Of course. The trouble had to be with Ryou.

_But I thought Ryou loved her. And I thought she loved him too. What the hell happened? What's going on? I'm so confused._

Suddenly, the coolness of silk fell against his face. Kenshin opened his eyes and found himself cradled in Ayumi's embrace.

"Stop it!" she was sobbing, shielding him with her body. "Stop it!"

Sano merely looked down at them.

Ayumi wrapped her arms around Kenshin's shoulders and pulled his head onto her lap. She smeared the blood and dirt off his face, then looked up at Sano, her eyes fierce.

"Haven't you hurt him enough already?" she screamed at him.

"No," Sano replied flatly.

Ayumi breathed in sharply and stared at Sano in disbelief.

"You're a heartless monster!" she cried.

"Don't bother sobbing your heart out for him," Sano told her, idly adjusting the bandages on his hand. "He's got the toughest hide you'll find on any bastard this side of hell." He glanced at Kenshin. "Are you done enjoying her lap yet, Kenshin? I'm waiting."

Kenshin grit his teeth and started to force himself upright. Pain shot up his side. Ayumi saw him wince, and tried to push him back down. He shook off her hands and got to his feet, swaying slightly.

Ayumi stood up quickly and caught his arm.

"Kenshin, you're hurt," she whispered, tears spilling uncontrollably down her cheeks. "Please stop," she pleaded desperately. "Please, let's go. Let's just go." She pressed her face against his chest and wept into the folds of his gi.

Kenshin looked up to find Kaoru staring silently at them both. Her face was blank and her eyes veiled. She held his gaze for a moment longer, then turned and walked away. The crowd of people that clogged the street parted to let her pass.

Sano shot Kenshin one last malevolent glance.

"Don't ever go near her again, Kenshin," he muttered grimly. "You've hurt her enough already."

He turned and followed Kaoru down the street.

* * *

Ayumi knelt in front of Kenshin and dipped the tip of the washcloth into the bowl of water. She reached out and dabbed gently at the cut on his lip.

The sting made him shrink away from her touch.

Ayumi let out an exasperated breath.

"Hold still!" she snapped. He obeyed.

She cleaned up the cut and moved on to the other bruises on his face. He noticed that she was using only her left arm. He looked down at her other arm, and frowned. It seemed to be swelling slightly.

"Ayumi, your arm –-" he began, but she cut him off.

"It's fine. I told you not to move."

"But you're hurt! Is it broken?"

Ayumi flung the cloth onto the floor in frustration, and stared at him.

_No, Kenshin,_ she thought, _it's probably not broken. It's probably just sprained. Your ribs, however, are definitely broken. And more than one of them, too. How can you possibly worry about me now?_

"Will you stop worrying about me?" she told him. "I'm fine. It's nothing. You should be more worried about yourself."

"I'm fine."

"You are not fine!" she retorted. "That is just the problem with you! You worry about everybody else but yourself!"

He fell silent. Ayumi looked at his badly bruised face, and felt the tears begin to spill out of her eyes once more.

"Just look at you," she said softly. "Haven't you had enough of this, Kenshin? All these years, all the things you've gone through –- don't you think it's time you had some peace and happiness?"

"I don't ask for peace and happiness, Ayumi," he replied. "Just the chance to make up for all the suffering I've caused."

She shook her head.

"You are so wrong, you know that, Kenshin? You fought to bring about a world where everybody could live in peace and have the chance to be happy. Everybody. That includes you. The fact that you're living miserably is a betrayal of what you fought for."

He looked away from her and said nothing.

"The way you're living now is a dishonor," she continued coldly. "It dishonors the memory of those you've killed for the sake of the Meiji, Kenshin! The Meiji is a time of happiness and hope. _You_ are living with neither."

"Ayumi," he interrupted her wearily. "What's your point?"

"My point is that you're miserable, Kenshin!" she answered him. "You're miserable! Do you realize that?"

"I'm fine."

"Would Tomoe-san agree with that?"

His gaze swung to her sharply. Undaunted, she went on:

"Tomoe-san gave her life for you. She died so that you could go on living and have a chance for happiness. But you're _not_ happy, Kenshin, and you're not planning to do anything about it! Living like that is a dishonor to her sacrifice. You're throwing away what she gave up her life for."

He bowed his head, hiding his face from her. She wiped the tears from her eyes impatiently.

"You love that girl, don't you," she said flatly.

Kenshin stared up at her in surprise. Ayumi looked at him expectantly. He made no reply.

"At least you could be honest with me!" she cried in exasperation. "I'm not asking you to pledge undying love for me, Kenshin, or to promise that you'll always stay. All I ask is that you be honest with me. Can't you do at least that?"

He remained silent.

"If you love her, why don't you go to her?" she persisted.

No response. She seethed with frustration.

"Alright, fine, you're not gonna do that because you're not interested in your own happiness. All you want to do is _atone_ for all the suffering you've caused." Her eyes narrowed and her tone became cutting.

"Well let me tell you, Kenshin, you're not doing any atoning at all. You're just causing more suffering. To yourself, to that poor girl, and to me. That girl loves you. I don't know why you left her, but clearly she's been miserable since then. Did you see her today? Did you have a good look at her? She's devastated. She's not happy. I'm not happy. I care about you, and I can't stand seeing you like this. So you see, your decision to ignore your own happiness for the sake of atoning really isn't working at all. Nobody here is happy, or at peace."

There was a long moment of silence.

Ayumi was about to give up, when he suddenly spoke.

"She doesn't love me," he said simply.

"That's not what I saw," Ayumi replied.

"Well, you haven't seen everything," Kenshin snapped, in a sudden flash of anger. Forcefully he pushed the memory of Ryou and Kaoru's kiss out of his mind.

_What the hell am I doing talking about this, anyway?_ he asked himself, irritated. He grabbed the sakaba and rose to his feet.

"I'm going out to get a doctor to come here and look at your arm."

She said nothing. He paused before the door.

"You really shouldn't worry yourself about this, Ayumi. It's only a waste of time. There's nothing to be done about it." He slid the door open.

"You're wrong, Kenshin," she said quietly, her voice heavy with sadness. "Peace and happiness are things that must be fought for. You of all people should know that. Love is just the same way. You have to fight for it. But if you refuse to see that, then there's nothing anybody can do. You'll never be happy."

He stood there for a moment, completely still. Then he stepped over the threshold and slid the door shut behind him.

* * *

The muted rustle of clothes brushing against the tatamis stirred her from sleep. Ayumi opened her eyes and saw Kenshin folding up his futon. He pushed the bedding into a corner, then stood and reached for the sakaba propped against the wall.

"Where are you going?" she mumbled, pressing her cheek against her pillow.

He looked down at her.

"Just to run a quick errand," he answered. "I'll be back right away. Don't go anywhere."

"Mmmm," came her drowsy response.

"I mean it, Ayumi," he said firmly. "Promise me you'll stay here until I get back."

"Yes, yes," she muttered, turning her back on him.

There was a short silence, then he asked in a gentler tone:

"How's your arm?"

Her arm, now encased in a sling, was cushioned comfortably by a pillow at her side. It was still a little sore, but it didn't hurt as much, thanks to the expertise of the elderly doctor whom Kenshin had brought in the day before.

_What was his name again?_ she asked herself. _Ginza, Genza. . .Genzai! That's it, Genzai! He was a very nice man. I have to drop by his clinic and thank him sometime._

The doctor was a very nice man, and she had had a good conversation with him. She had been able to chat him up because Kenshin had left shortly after he had brought the doctor in.

"I'm going out for a walk," he had said abruptly.

She had been so irritated with him, she hadn't even bothered to respond. Instead, she had begun to talk amiably with the good doctor, who, she had been fascinated to discover, actually knew Kenshin very well.

"I used to see Kenshin everyday," the old man had told her while he had carefully tucked her arm into a sling.

"Really?" she had asked. "Were you neighbors?"

"No, not quite," he had answered. "Kenshin used to babysit my two grandchildren."

She had smiled with genuine delight.

"Grandchildren? How old are they?"

"Oh, they're still very young. Two very energetic toddlers. Kenshin always had his hands full. And on top of that, he had to do the laundry, too."

"The laundry?" Ayumi's eyes had widened.

"Yes, the laundry." The old man had chuckled. "That was Kenshin's share of the chores at the dojo. That and the grocery shopping. Kaoru always kept him busy."

Her smile had dimmed at the mention of that particular woman's name.

"I see," she had murmured, then, on an impulse, she had touched the doctor's arm lightly.

"I've heard so much about that dojo," she had continued, forcing into her voice an eagerness she did not feel. "Where is it located, anyway? I might swing by one of these days just to have a look at it."

"Oh, it's just a short walk across town," he had informed her cheerfully. "Just take the main road and cross the first two bridges and you'll practically bump right into it. And if you get lost, you can always ask anybody on the street. Everyone knows where the Kamiya dojo is."

_Take the main road and cross the first two bridges. . ._

"Ayumi."

She suddenly realized Kenshin was still waiting for her answer.

"My arm is fine," she answered without turning to look at him. "You should really get going on that errand."

She waited until the door opened and slid shut once more. Then she allowed herself to fall onto her back. She stared up at the ceiling.

_Today Kenshin's going to find me a job. Tomorrow he's going to leave. Forever._

_I only have today._

A short walk across town, the doctor had said. Ayumi sat up and flung the covers away. She rose to her feet and walked over to where she had laid out her kimono for the day.

_I've lost you, Kenshin,_ she thought. _I've lost you to her, and I'll carry the pain of that loss for the rest of my life._

_But. . ._

She pulled at her sash forcefully and let her yukata slip to the floor. She dressed as quickly as she could.

The morning sunlight shone in warmly through the window. She slid the screen open and looked out. To her left lay the long stretch of the main street. In the distance, she could see a bridge.

Slowly, she drew the window shut and closed her eyes.

_But if I have to bear that pain, I want it to be worth something. I want to be able to tell myself that it was the price of your happiness. Because that's the only way I'll be able to bear it._

_I'll be damned if I'll give you up to her and still have you be unhappy._

She turned away from the window and headed for the door.

It was time to pay Kamiya Kaoru a visit.

* * *

Kenshin dug his fingers into the grimy doorframe and flung the dingy shoji wide open. The dank smell of old laundry and perspiration assailed his senses. He stared down at the body entangled in the sheets on the floor.

"Sano."

The large foot sticking out from under the sheets twitched slightly, and Sano's spiky head shot up from the pillow. He squinted at Kenshin, then sat up.

"Well, well, if this isn't a surprise," he muttered, slowly disentangling his legs from the twisted blanket, and standing up. "So you're back for more. I knew I was too easy on you yesterday."

He cracked his knuckles and flashed Kenshin a nasty smile.

"You came all the way here first thing in the morning, huh? Well, let's make it worth your while!"

His fist came speeding at Kenshin in a blinding flash.

Kenshin did not even wince. He slid the sheathed sakaba from his sash and blocked the punch effortlessly.

Sano's leg swung out. Kenshin leapt into the air with easy grace, and brought his sword crashing down on Sano's head. Sano wavered slightly, then collapsed.

Kenshin looked down at him.

"I didn't come here to fight you, Sano," he said quietly. "I just want to find out what's going on."

"I've had enough of your bullshit, Kenshin!" Sano muttered as he rose to his feet with amazing swiftness. "Just shut up and fight!"

Kenshin lost patience. He pulled the sakaba from its sheath and cut the air in one powerful slash. Sano flew backwards and crashed through the paper wall. Kenshin walked over to him slowly. As he expected, within two seconds Sano pushed himself up and dragged himself upright. Before he could swing his fist again, Kenshin whacked him in the side with the blunt edge of his sword. Sano fell flat on his face.

Kenshin flipped the blade of the sakaba and pressed its sharp tip against Sano's back.

"I'll say it one more time, Sano," he said coldly. "I'm not here to fight you. But if you still insist on wasting my time, you can kiss your precious shirt goodbye."

Sano went completely still. There was a long, tense moment of silence. Then Sano turned his head and craned his neck to the side.

"You really are a bastard, Kenshin," he muttered. "Get your fucking sword off my back, then we'll talk."

The blade did not move.

"You can start talking," Kenshin replied.

"Goddamn you!" Sano shouted furiously. He was shaking with rage, but all the same, he was careful not to move an inch. The tip of the sword was poised directly on top of the 'aku' kanji emblazoned on the back of his shirt.

_My one and only favorite shirt,_ he thought tearfully. _Damn Kenshin._

"Do you mind easing it up a bit?" he snapped. "I can't even breathe in without getting stabbed!"

The tip lifted slightly, but Sano could still feel its sharpness through the cloth on his back. He cursed Kenshin under his breath.

"That's not what I'm waiting to hear, Sano," Kenshin cut in.

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"What's wrong with Kaoru-dono?"

At that, Sano started to chuckle.

"What's wrong with Kaoru? I swear, Kenshin, you are such a riot. If your goddamn sword wasn't pointed at my back, I'd be rolling over and laughing my fucking ass off. You're so thick in the head! What's wrong with her? What the hell do you think is wrong with her? You left her, you goddamn cowardly bastard!"

"So?" Kenshin countered. "I didn't think she wanted me around much longer anyway."

"Well, that's because you're a sorry, thick-headed bastard, like I said. You saw her yesterday. Did she look happy to you? Did it seem like her life's been all peachy and fantastic since you left?"

"It's Ryou, isn't it," Kenshin murmured.

"No, Kenshin, it's not Ryou. It's you! _You're_ the one to blame for what's happened to Jo-chan. You're the one who left her behind, even though you knew that Ryou was a first-class bastard all along. Her life is so fucked up right now, I wouldn't be surprised to hear one of these days that she's killed herself. If she does, it would totally be your fault. You'd damn well better realize that." Sano chuckled harshly. "So congratulations! You just might manage to -- yet again -- cause the death of a woman who's had the misfortune to love you, you worthless piece of shit."

Kenshin's grip on the sword tightened until his knuckles went white. He jabbed the tip of the blade viciously into Sano's flesh.

"I could kill you for that," he hissed.

Sano grit his teeth, feeling the warm blood begin to trickle down his back.

"Go ahead," he retorted, his breathing becoming labored from the shaft of cold steel embedded in his back. "At least you'd be true to yourself for once."

In the silence only Sano's heavy breathing could be heard.

Then, without warning, Kenshin withdrew the sword and slid it smoothly back into its sheath. He turned his back on Sano and walked out.

Sano scrambled to his feet and almost fell back down from the sharp pain that shot up his back. He touched the back of his shirt and found his fingers stained with blood. He stared out at Kenshin's retreating form.

Every nerve in his body was screaming for him to run after Kenshin and beat the puny little bastard into a bloody pulp. Yet something held him back. He watched as Kenshin rounded the corner and disappeared from view.

_If he'd pushed that sword an inch deeper, I'd be one dead son of a bitch._

_I should've gotten him for that. Why the hell didn't I run after him?_

Sano muttered a curse and slid his door shut.

He knew why. He'd sensed that, somehow, he had managed to get through to Kenshin. Something he'd said in the midst of all his cursing had struck a chord within the rurouni.

_I'd bet my life he's heading over to the dojo right now._

Sano smiled slowly.

_Boy, is Ryou in for a surprise._

He sank back onto his beaten futon with a relieved sigh.

Before the day was over, things would finally be set right. Kenshin would kick Ryou's ass, Kaoru would have Kenshin back, and Ryou would hobble out of the dojo forever. And Yahiko would finally move back into Kaoru's house, where he belonged.

_That brat's too whiny. Good thing he's out working today. He'd better sneak away some sukiyaki for me tonight. That's the least he could do. He's living here for free!_

_I'll go after Kenshin some other time. After he's done dispatching Ryou. After all, I wouldn't want him facing Ryou in less than perfect shape. He'd better kick that bastard's ass good._

Sano shifted slightly, and felt his shirt sticking to his back. The fabric was soaked through with blood. He cursed Kenshin again, then dragged himself to his feet.

_I'll definitely get him for that,_ he thought grimly. _Later. But for now. . .heh! At least I have an excuse to see the foxy doctor today._

With that cheering thought in mind, he left his apartment and set out for the clinic.

* * *

Ayumi stared at the wooden sign that hung on the doorpost.

_Kamiya Kasshin Ryu Kenjutsu Dojo._

The nervousness that had been nagging at her now escalated into a fierce anxiety.

_What am I doing here?_ she asked herself. _What was I thinking?_

What would she say when she found herself face to face with Kamiya Kaoru? How would she even begin?

_'Hi, you must be Kaoru. I'm Ayumi –- the girl with Kenshin yesterday?. . .'_

Ayumi shook her head in despair.

_I should just leave,_ she told herself._I should just go back to Otsu and let Kenshin wander off to wherever. To hell with everything._

Then a breeze swept past her, carrying cherry blossom petals in its wake. One petal landed on her shoulder and got caught in her hair.

She pulled it out with her fingertips and stared at it for a moment.

A sudden memory came to her, of a long-ago afternoon in the garden of the teahouse in Kyoto. She had been standing under a cherry tree, when a breeze had scattered a rain of petals upon her head.

"Aaahh!" she had exclaimed, her hand flying to her hair. Frantically, she had dusted the petals off.

Kenshin had been leaning against the tree, watching her quietly.

"What's the matter?" he had asked her.

"My hair. Ikumatsu-san just fixed it. She'll scold me again."

"Then we should probably head back in," he had said, pushing himself away from the tree and walking over to where she stood.

She had nodded gloomily, unwilling for their afternoon together to end.

"Hai." Slowly she had begun to make her way up the cobbled path back to the house.

Suddenly, she had felt a touch at her ear. She had looked up in surprise to find Kenshin standing before her, a single pink petal caught between his fingers.

"You forgot this one," he had said with a smile.

The sight of that smile had warmed her heart.

As she looked at the petal in her hand, the memory of that smile warmed her still. She looked up at the wooden door before her.

_I've already been able to share my life with him. . .even if it was only for a little while. As long as I live, the memory of that time will always be in my heart._

The image of Kamiya Kaoru's hauntingly sorrowful face surfaced in her mind.

_But this girl. . .she has nothing. Nothing but the memory of him leaving her behind._

There was only one thing to be done.

She raised her fist and pounded forcefully against the door.


	10. Confrontation *revised*

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan

**Chapter Ten: Confrontation**

Kaoru leaned her head against the flat panel of wood that ran up the wall. Through half-lidded eyes she stared blankly at the room before her. Her futon lay in a messy heap. Unwashed dishes cluttered the low table. To her right sat a growing mound of dirty laundry.

She drew in a weary breath, and felt a rush of acid burn her stomach. She leaned her head to the side and closed her eyes, fighting off another wave of dizziness.

_I really should eat something._

But she made no move to rise. With her eyes closed, the scene that had been haunting her since the previous day now grew vivid in her mind. Soon the burn of hunger became nothing compared to the viselike pain that twisted her heart.

She could see the events of that afternoon so clearly. Kenshin walking out of the shop with that woman on his arm. Kenshin flying through the air after Sano's punch. And then that woman falling upon him, cradling him, weeping.

Kaoru would never forget the sight. How that woman had stumbled on the dusty street, falling to her knees beside Kenshin, her exquisite kimono ruined, her pale, delicate face marred by tears. How her arms had wrapped around him, pulling him close to her. How her fingers had touched his bleeding lip with sorrowful tenderness.

Who was she? Who was she that she should hold him so close and weep for him so desperately?

Who is she to him? Kaoru agonized. An old friend? A cousin? Did he go to her after he left me? Why is he back? Why is she with him?

He looked so happy to be with her.

Kaoru covered her face with her hands and began to weep bitterly.

"What did I do wrong?" she choked. "Why is this happening to me?"

_Why are you doing this?_ she wanted to scream at Kenshin. _What have I done to you that you should leave me without a goodbye, then come back with another woman on your arm? Didn't I mean anything to you? Didn't you care for me at all, even a little, even as a friend?_

_I loved you._

Suddenly, the door slid open. Kaoru looked up. Ryou towered in the doorway.

He surveyed her coldly, noting the moist cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. She was a picture of abject misery.

All because of Battousai, he thought disgustedly. It's a good thing her father can't see her like this. His only daughter, pining for that filthy murderer, wasting her life away for him. She's a disgrace.

She turned her eyes away from him, not even deigning to speak. He grit his teeth and said evenly:

"You have a visitor."

"I am not seeing anybody."

"That's a shame. I already showed her in."

At that, Kaoru slowly turned her head to look at him. He arched a brow.

"Intriguing, isn't it? I suggest you make yourself presentable and come outside. She's quite a distinguished character, you know."

"Who is she?" Kaoru asked him flatly.

His lips twisted into a sneer.

"She is," he began, his voice heavy with sarcasm, "none other than the exalted Katsura Ayumi-sama."

"Katsura. . .Ayumi?" Kaoru echoed, frowning.

"That's right, Kaoru-chan, today you are being honored with the presence of the niece of Katsura Kogoro himself. Imagine that. The niece of the most revered Ishin Shishi ever, sitting in our living room, waiting to see you. What could you have done to deserve such an honor?"

She stared at him with narrowed eyes, sensing the acid-like hate that seeped through his words. For the first time since he arrived, Kaoru was finally beginning to understand Ryou –- the person that he had become. If there was one thing uncorrupted about him, it was his inveterate hatred for the Ishin. He hated them with a blind, ferocious zeal that was remarkable in its purity. It questioned nothing and spared nobody.

And now Katsura Kogoro's niece was only a few feet away. . .

"I have no idea why she would want to see me," Kaoru told him.

"Don't you now?" Ryou asked her silkily. "Your beloved Battousai was her uncle's bodyguard during the Bakumatsu, Kaoru-chan. Who knows? Maybe she's looking for him."

_Katsura Kogoro's niece? How did she know to come here?_

She realized Ryou was still speaking.

". . .And to think that we all thought that the whole Katsura clan had been wiped out in the purge of Hagi. Apparently not." He shrugged. "Well, 'better late than never' is what I always say. Ne, Kaoru-chan?"

She looked at him sharply.

"What do you mean by that?" she demanded.

"Precisely what I said." He turned to leave the room. "After you're done chatting with our guest, please be kind enough to ask her to stay for dinner. I'd like to have a talk with her myself." He disappeared down the hallway.

Kaoru stared after him, his words leaving her with a growing sense of foreboding.

_What is that awful man planning now?_

She shook herself out of her daze and hurried to the pile of clothes in the corner. She picked up a towel and wiped her face. Then she began to rummage through the mound for a clean kimono.

Whatever Ryou was planning, it was bound to be treacherous for the woman who was sitting in the living room waiting for her. She had to get Katsura Ayumi out of the house and away from Ryou as quickly as possible.

* * *

Kaoru slid open the door to the living room. A woman was sitting on a cushion in the center of the floor. She looked up, and their eyes met.

Kaoru could only stare at her.

The woman stood up and bowed deeply.

"I'm sorry for imposing on your hospitality, Kamiya-san," she said, her voice clear and direct. "But I have an urgent matter to discuss with you."

She met Kaoru's gaze levelly. Her eyes were a startling shade of gray.

Kaoru could not bring herself to speak. Her mind was in turmoil, wildly refusing to accept what her eyes were seeing.

The woman who stood before her was the same woman whom she had seen with Kenshin the day before. The same woman whose image had haunted her ceaselessly since then.

_That woman was. . .Katsura Ayumi._

Slowly, Kaoru felt her shock begin to recede. In its place came a chill which seemed to wrap around her body and sink into her bones. She assessed the woman before her critically, closing her mind to everything else.

She was well-dressed, her kimono fine and understated, her hair held in place by a pearl comb. Her face was an image of patrician beauty –- the cheekbones high, the nose delicate, the skin flawless. In her bearing Kaoru could detect the rigid pride and calm self-assurance of nobility.

_The Katsura clan was one of the most noble families of Choshu. . .it's been said they were all exterminated by the Bakufu, all except for Katsura Kogoro, who died alone and sick a few years after the Bakumatsu ended. . ._

_This woman is his niece?_

The woman spoke again.

"My name is Katsura Ayumi. I've come to speak to you about Kenshin."

She spoke in refined Kyoto dialect, the polished and graceful speech of the Imperial Court. She waited patiently for Kaoru's response.

As she stared at Katsura Ayumi, Kaoru felt something inside of her begin to wither.

_She's beautiful. She's a princess. And she has Kenshin now._

_Why is she here? What more do they want from me? Haven't I gone through enough already?_

_Why can't they just leave me alone?_

"I'm sorry, but you're wasting your time," Kaoru said briskly. "I have to ask you to leave."

Ayumi blinked, startled by Kaoru's rudeness. She had never in her life heard of a host treating a guest in such a terrible manner. She bit back the retort that almost escaped her lips, reminding herself that she was in this house, in front of this woman, all because of Kenshin. All for Kenshin.

_Without this woman, Kenshin will never be happy. No matter how hostile she is, I have to get through to her. For Kenshin's sake._

"Is it really a waste of time to you, talking about Kenshin?" she asked Kaoru coldly.

"Wouldn't it be?" Kaoru countered. "After all, I have nothing to do with him anymore. He's with you now, isn't he?"

Ayumi regarded her silently for a moment, her gray eyes becoming almost transparent.

"I don't have any quarrel with you," she said finally, her tone precise and cutting. "So please, spare me the cattiness. I came here to talk about Kenshin. If you cared about him at all, you would at least listen to what I have to say."

"Don't you dare speak to me like that!" Kaoru bit out furiously. "You don't know anything about Kenshin and me!"

"You're right, I don't," Ayumi retorted. "I don't know what he sees in such an immature, ill-mannered girl like you. Forgive me for being blunt, but you're no great beauty. And your manners? Atrocious, to say the least!"

Ayumi paused. Kaoru was seething.

"So what is it about you, Kamiya Kaoru?" Ayumi murmured quietly. "Why is Kenshin so miserable without you?"

Kaoru stared at her. A long silence stretched between them.

"Why are you doing this?" Kaoru finally whispered hoarsely. "What more do you want from me?"

Ayumi's voice softened.

"Only that you should go to him."

A defiant gleam flashed in Kaoru's eyes, but before she could speak, Ayumi continued smoothly:

"Kenshin is leaving for good tomorrow. Where he'll go to, I don't know. But I do know that the only person who can stop him is you."

Kaoru blinked. Slowly, the anger in her eyes dissipated. In its place settled a bitter amusement.

"Ah, so he's leaving you, is that it?" Her lips twisted wryly. "Too bad. I can't help you there. I don't know why on earth you would think I could stop him from leaving. Kenshin has always done exactly as he pleased. I don't have a say in whether he goes. . .or stays. At all. I never did."

"But you do have a say in whether he is happy or not," Ayumi cut in.

"That's enough!" Kaoru snapped. "I've had enough of hearing this nonsense! Contrary to what you think, Katsura Ayumi-san, I am not an important person in Kenshin's life. Kenshin never gave a damn about me. So you really should stop insisting that I am vital to his happiness or to his existence in any way. Kenshin has always lived within himself. He's always kept his pain to himself, his memories to himself, and he's always found happiness and peace in those memories. That's why nobody -- not me, and apparently not even you -- can ever make him stay. Nothing can ever surpass the memories he holds inside. So if he wants to leave, you really can't do anything about it."

Kaoru paused and looked away.

"Go after him if you like," she continued quietly. "But please, just leave me alone."

Ayumi regarded her with sudden understanding.

"Is that what you think it's all about? Do you think all that he wants is just to live the life he could have led with Tomoe? The life of his memories?"

Kaoru did not respond.

"Well, I don't blame you," Ayumi said with a shrug. "Because I thought the same. I thought that if I could give Kenshin the life he always wanted, the life he could have had with Tomoe –- he'd finally be happy. And I tried, Kaoru-san. I really tried." She looked away.

"My uncle and I live in Otsu. In a cottage built on the spot where Tomoe and Kenshin's house used to stand. When he came to the house, I thought that if I tried hard enough, I could help him find contentment in living the simple life he'd led once. I believed that, somehow, I could make him happy, too. But I was wrong."

Her eyes darkened with sadness.

"The life of his memories will always be part of him, Kaoru-san, but it will never be enough to make him happy. He doesn't want to live like a farmer, or to spend the rest of his days in the countryside with me. The truth is, he doesn't want any other woman by his side but you. All he wants is you. All he needs is to know that you love him."

"I don't believe you," Kaoru said quietly, without any rancor.

Ayumi's face hardened into a cold mask.

"Do you know who I am?" she snapped, her tone suddenly icy. "I am the last of the Katsura clan. My family was one of the oldest in the realm. I spent part of my childhood at Court, and I was betrothed to one of the Emperor's sons. But when the Bakumatsu started, I lost everything. . .my whole family branded as traitors. . .my father and brothers forced to cut their bellies open, while my mother and sisters slit their throats. I watched it all. And then the horror of escaping, of running for your life, day and night hiding in filthy creeks and crawling in mud. . . You have never known such terror. But I made it to Kyoto, to my uncle. . .and to Kenshin. Kenshin was the one who took me to a safe place. He was the strongest and the kindest man I'd ever known. I never forgot him, even after he disappeared."

She fell silent for a moment, then continued:

"When he came back to Otsu, I swore I would never let him go. I did everything for him. I cooked the best meals I could manage, I saw to his comfort at every moment, I played the samisen for him at night. Everything I had been taught, everything I had been trained since childhood to do for the prince who would be my husband, I did for Kenshin. And yet I've failed to make him happy."

She looked at Kaoru squarely, her eyes like flint.

"Do you think it's easy for me to stand here and beg you to go to him? He's all I have left. If I had my way, I would just stay by his side forever, and never let him go. But he'll never be truly happy with me. And so I have no choice but to beg you to go to him. Believe me when I say that he doesn't want me. Because if he did, I would not be standing here right now. I love Kenshin, Kaoru-san. And if he means nothing to you, if you truly don't believe that you can make a difference in his happiness, or if you no longer care. . .then tell him so. I beg you. Tell him so that he can open his heart to love those who _do_ love him."

Kaoru was struck speechless by the raw earnestness in Ayumi's eyes. She no longer knew what to think, or say, or believe. Ayumi's words had caused a wild hope to spring up in her heart, but she was so afraid that it was all somehow a lie, or a dream.

_Is this real?_ she asked herself._Is it true that Kenshin wants me? Why would she lie?_

_What should I do?_

She opened her mouth to speak, when suddenly, a blood-curdling yell echoed from the courtyard. Kaoru froze. Ayumi stared at her.

"What was that?" she whispered.

Kaoru did not respond. A heavy sense of dread clamped over her heart.

That had been Ryou's voice. And what they had just heard had been a battle cry.

_The courtyard,_ she thought. Without another word, she rushed out of the room, Ayumi fast on her heels.

* * *

After Ryou had left Kaoru's room, he had gone to sit on the porch. The courtyard was quiet, since he had cancelled class for that day. Laying his katana across his lap, he had settled himself against a post and let his thoughts drift to the woman who had arrived that afternoon.

_What do you know,_ he mused. _Katsura Ayumi dropping by. I'll have to find out from her tonight if her wily bastard of an uncle is still alive. If he is, then I guess I'll be off to see him sometime soon. Courtesy only demands as much__, ne? _

_And after I finish that old traitor off, there's only Battousai left to take care of. But all in good time. He'll probably end up right in my path one of these days, and that'll be the end of him._

The scrape of straw sandals against the earth broke the silence. Ryou looked up, and saw a shadowy figure standing in the portal of the open gate. He squinted against the sunlight. The man was short. A sword hung at his side.

Ryou stood up, his katana in an easy grip.

_So soon,_ he thought wryly, walking over to the gate and stopping several feet directly in front of Kenshin.

"Well, well, well. If this isn't another pleasant surprise," he drawled. "First Katsura Kogoro's niece, now you. You Ishin scum are really plaguing me today, aren't you?"

_Ayumi came here?_ Kenshin thought with alarm._I told her to stay at the inn!_

Keeping his face impassive, he told Ryou flatly:

"I'm here to talk to Kaoru."

Ryou arched a brow.

"What, no more 'dono'? I see your manners have deteriorated since you left, Battousai. I'd appreciate it if you'd call her 'Kaoru-san'. After all, you are no longer on personal terms with her. And besides, you should really use 'san' whenever you refer to another man's wife."

That hit home. Kenshin's eyes widened, and he stared at Ryou blankly. Ryou's lips twisted into a smile.

"Oh, you haven't heard? Well, allow me the honor of informing you. Kaoru-chan and I have officially been joined in marriage since. . ." he waved a hand vaguely in the air, ". . .oh, a month or so ago. We haven't had the ceremony yet, but the paperwork's all signed and set. I figure we'll go to a shrine one of these days. You're welcome to attend, if you're still in town."

Kenshin was inwardly shaken. Kaoru, married to Ryou? Sano didn't say anything about that! From what he'd heard from Sano, he'd assumed that Kaoru was unhappy with Ryou. But now. . .Was she really married to him? Was it true?

_Please don't let it be true,_ Kenshin implored. _Please don't let me be too late._

"I'm going in to see her," he said, starting to stride past Ryou.

The sheathed katana whipped outwards to block him.

"You are going to do no such thing," Ryou murmured softly. "She's none of your concern now. She's mine."

"Liar," Kenshin shot back.

Ryou regarded him with amusement.

"Oh, I have all these tales to regale you with, Battousai, if only we were on friendly terms. But I understand your feelings perfectly. To think that you almost had her! Well, let me tell you, she really _is_ a prize. That first night, she was magnificent! Insatiable and eager to please, beyond your wildest dreams! Certainly well worth the wait. I'm glad_ I_ stuck around."

"Bastard!" Kenshin snarled furiously, provoked beyond endurance. He drew the sakaba with sudden speed and slashed at Ryou. Ryou jumped back and gracefully evaded the blade. He landed soundlessly a few feet away. He pulled his katana out of its sheath.

"It's good to know we're finally getting down to business," Ryou said, gripping his sword firmly. "I've been waiting for this fight for a long time, Battousai."

"Too bad it won't last that long for you."

A smile spread slowly on Ryou's lips.

"Don't speak too soon."

_I've got you now,_ Ryou thought with satisfaction, his hand moving slightly on the haft of his sword. With one undetectable flick of his thumb, he slid a small panel of wood open. Within seconds, a clear, viscous liquid began to trickle down the blade of his sword, unseen.

_No matter who's left standing at the end of this fight, Battousai, with one cut, you're dead. This is one fight I am not going to lose._

_For my lord Shogun, and for all the people you've killed. . ._

_Vengeance at last._

He raised his sword and charged at Kenshin with a ferocious cry.

* * *

Kaoru stopped in her tracks when she reached the porch. She had made it outside just in time to see Ryou bring his katana down upon Kenshin's shoulder with frightening brutality.

Kenshin swung his sword upwards and deflected the blow. Ryou pulled his blade downward and slashed viciously at Kenshin's chest. Kenshin whipped the sakaba out in a curve and struck Ryou forcefully. Ryou went flying backwards in the air, landing hard on the ground. Kenshin stayed where he was, clutching his middle.

A dark stain began to spread on his gi.

"Stop it!" Kaoru screamed, ready to spring off the porch, when a firm hand grasped her arm. She looked up to see Ayumi staring hard at her, her face pale, her eyes intense.

"Where are you going?" Ayumi demanded tersely. "You can't go down there!"

Kaoru tried to push her away, but her grip was like steel.

"Kaoru, listen to me!" Ayumi said insistently. "You'll only get Kenshin hurt if you run in!"

"I have to help him! He's hurt already!" Tears started spilling down her cheeks. "Why are you doing this to him?" she cried at Ryou. "Leave him alone!"

Slowly, Ryou got to his feet. His gi was ripped where the sakaba had struck him, and a large welt streaked across his chest. He stood a few feet away from Kenshin, holding his sword ready. Blood stained the gleaming blade. He watched Kenshin carefully.

Kenshin gripped his sword and charged at Ryou. He brought the blade up against Ryou's side, but he missed. Quickly he reversed the swing and aimed for Ryou's shoulder. Ryou moved away easily.

_Why am I moving so slowly?_ Kenshin wondered, trying to bring the blade back up. Suddenly the sakaba seemed so heavy. He watched the blade miss again. Then Ryou disappeared from his view.

Like lightning, steel suddenly slashed into his side.

Kenshin fell to the ground. Blood blotted the earth underneath him. He looked up, and he could see two Ryous looking down at him.

_Somebody's screaming,_ he thought. _It sounds like Kaoru. It sounds like she's far away. . ._

_What's wrong with me? Why am I getting so dizzy?_

Kaoru watched Kenshin struggle to rise to his feet. He seemed groggy and disoriented. With great effort, he stuck the blade of the sakaba into the ground and used it to pull himself up. He swayed slightly.

"You bastard!" she screamed at Ryou. "What did you do to him?"

A low chuckle echoed in the silence. Ryou tossed her an easy smile from behind his shoulder.

"I haven't done anything to him yet, Kaoru-chan. Keep watching."

He turned back to face Kenshin.

Kaoru stared at Kenshin helplessly. His grip on the sakaba was loosening.

_I have to do something,_ she thought frantically.

With sudden strength, she wrenched her arm out of Ayumi's grip and sprinted to the dojo. Ayumi stared after her, alarmed. Kaoru strode to the rack on the wall and grabbed a wooden sword. The bokken was cool and smooth in her fevered hand. She gripped the handle firmly and hurried back outside.

Ryou was standing directly in front of Kenshin, falling into a stance. Kaoru recognized it. He was going to run in and use the momentum of his run to power a vicious thrust that would surely skewer Kenshin.

_There's no way he can avoid that jab in the condition he's in,_ she thought. She watched Kenshin blink repeatedly in an attempt to focus his eyes. His skin was paling into a sickly shade of yellow.

_He's been poisoned!_ she realized with horror. _Kenshin!_

Her heart stopped with fright.

_Kenshin, you should have known Ryou would do something as low as this! Why did you have to fight him?__ Why is it always like this? You always rescue me and get hurt because of me. Then you always blame yourself for putting me in danger. And then you leave._

_I'm sick of it. It's enough. You've suffered enough already._

_This time I'll fight for you._

Ryou raised his sword and prepared to charge.

In that instant, Kaoru rushed in and slammed her bokken against his ribs with all the force she could muster.

He crumpled to the ground. One hand clutched his side while the other kept its grasp on his sword. He looked up and stared at her in shock.

"You're a disgrace to my father's school," she spat contemptuously. "Poisoning your opponent! Coward! Get up and fight me!"

Her words struck Ryou to the core. At that moment, any affection he had ever held in his heart for her vanished completely. He had been willing to tolerate her insane obsession with Battousai, but there was no way he was going to allow her to interfere in the most crucial fight of his life.

_I've lost everything. My honor, my pride. . .even you, Kaoru. I've lost you to him. The Ishin have taken everything from me. This fight is all I have left. . ._

_And you betray me._

"You traitorous slut," he muttered. "I don't have time to deal with you."

In a motion so fluid and sudden that it startled Kaoru completely, his sword swung outwards in an arc of steel. She tried to block the blow with her bokken. His blade cut cleanly through it, and she found herself holding a useless chunk of wood.

She stared at it, stunned.

That moment was all he needed. The katana came slicing back down through the air, hissing at her.

She saw only a horizontal flash of light.

Kaoru was flung by the force of the blade several feet away. Her body landed on the hard earth and twisted limply into a halt.

"Kaoru!" the horrified scream echoed in the courtyard.

The image of her body hitting the ground like a battered doll burned itself into Kenshin's mind. In that instant, fear and fury electrified him into action. Deftly, he slammed the sakaba back into its sheath. He fixed his gaze on Ryou, and came hurtling forward in a sudden burst of speed.

Ryou never knew what hit him. He saw only a glint of light flashing off the blade of the sakaba as it struck him in one perfectly executed, undefendable, overpowering blow.

He felt the blunt edge of the blade gouge a long gash into his chest. Underneath his unbroken flesh, he felt cartilage and bone snap sickeningly. He wheezed slightly as he collapsed. All the air had been lashed out of his lungs.

Everything turned black after that.

In the silence, only Kenshin's labored breathing could be heard. He dropped the sakaba from his grasp. It clattered dully onto the ground. He staggered over to where Kaoru lay.

"Kaoru," he whispered, reaching for her broken body. There was so much blood. Blood on the ground, on her kimono, on him. He pulled her close to him, and felt his strength ebbing fast.

Warm blood gushed thickly over his hand. He stared in horror at the gaping wound in her side. The blade of the katana had been driven deeply into her, and then had been pulled out at a different angle. The cut had mangled her flesh. Kenshin hugged her to him desperately, his hands slick with her blood. He tried to rise, but could not find the strength.

"Kaoru, I'm here," he murmured weakly. He held her tightly and tried to summon his strength. "I'll get help for you, koishii. I'll get help. . ."

_I have to get up,_ he told himself._I have to get up and bring her to a doctor. Fast._

_I. . .can't._

He no longer had the strength to move. He collapsed against her.

_Why did you do it, koishii? Why did you attack him?_

_I swore I'd protect you. . ._

His lids dropped closed.

A deep, enveloping blackness descended upon everything.


	11. Vigil *revised*

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan

**Chapter Eleven: Vigil**

Ayumi watched as Kenshin's body crumpled into the dust.

The sudden silence weighed heavily upon the humid afternoon. She stared at the three bodies thrown about before her on the blood-spattered courtyard, and felt an overwhelming wave of horror flood her mind.

_Kenshin. . ._

Everything had happened so fast. . .

Everything was perfectly, peacefully still.

Including herself. Her mind had gone completely blank, her body completely paralyzed. Her mouth hung agape, the scream dying in her throat.

_Kenshin. . ._

From somewhere very deep in her mind, a thought flashed into her frozen consciousness.

_Get help. . . get help. . ._

_Get help_, she thought blankly, her eyes still locked onto Kenshin's motionless body.

Suddenly, the meaning of the words sunk in.

_I have to get help!_ she thought, forcing her feet to move. Her limbs seemed so heavy, her eyes so drawn to the blood-soaked bodies twisted in the dirt. The horror of the scene before her wrapped around her body like a stranglehold. Her feet shuffled down the porch inch by inch.

_Faster!_ she screamed at herself. _If you don't move, Kenshin will. . ._

Panic and fear rushed through her veins like ice water, jolting her into action. She hurried herself onward, and ended up stumbling off the porch. Grasping at the dirt, she pulled herself to her feet as quickly as she could, ripping the hem of her kimono in her haste.

Kenshin lay so close to where she stood. She tore her eyes away from the blood trickling down his pale arm, and ran out of the courtyard into the street.

* * *

Sano walked towards the dojo at an easy pace.

_Nice day_, he thought, chewing absently on the fishbone in his mouth. The wind ruffled his hair, and he took a deep breath. A dull ache throbbed on his back. He grimaced slightly. Although the foxy doctor had already bandaged up the wound, it was still a little sore. He rolled his shoulders, trying to ease the pain away.

Megumi's face flashed in his mind, and he grinned to himself.

As usual, she had scowled at him the moment he had walked into the clinic.

"What did you get yourself into this time?" she had scolded him, her tone contemptuous but her eyes somewhat. . .

_Worried_, he'd thought to himself with satisfaction. Pretending to wince from the pain, he had eased himself up slowly onto the examining table.

"You'll never guess," he had muttered.

"Kenshin?" she had said simply, stripping the shirt deftly from his shoulders.

He had stared at her in shock.

"How — how did. . ."

"I was told he came by to see Dr. Genzai yesterday," she had answered, pushing him flat onto the examining table. "And of course, there was that little tiff you had with him downtown. Everybody in Tokyo has heard about _that._"

"Oh," he had mumbled lamely. He had lain there, his cheek pressed against the sheet, unsettled by her revelation, but nevertheless acutely aware of her fingertips moving against his flesh. "So. . .you didn't get to see him, huh?"

"No." After a few moments, he had felt the pierce and pull of a needle and thread being tugged through his skin.

"Sit up," she had said briskly, tying one last knot and snipping the remainder of the thread away.

He had obliged, watching her as she wound a length of bandage slowly around his torso. Her fingers had been cool and light against his heated skin.

Suddenly she had spoken.

"Why did you fight him?"

"Do you need to ask me that?" he had shot back with irritation. "Don't you see what he did to Jo-chan?"

"Whatever happened to that girl was her own doing," she had replied coldly.

"Hey, hey, hey!" he had protested. "Let's back up here for a sec. Who left who, huh? Besides, you weren't there when Jo-chan and I bumped into Kenshin downtown. He had a woman with him."

"So I heard."

"You know about her too?" he had said incredulously.

She had looked up at him coolly.

"Her name is Katsura Ayumi. Dr. Genzai told me all about her. Apparently they had had a nice chat together while he set her sprained elbow."

He had snorted derisively. "Well, anyway, Kenshin was wrong to parade her around like that! All snuggly and sweet. You should have seen the look on Jo-chan's face. Seeing Kenshin with that woman really hurt her. That's why I wanted to trash him so bad."

"And that's why you deserve what you got," she had said bluntly. "You had no right to do what you did."

"_Wha-at?_" he had sputtered. "Am I hearing you right, woman? You're actually defending him?"

"Yes," she had snapped, dropping the end of the bandage and regarding him squarely. "What right did you have to ruin his afternoon with his friend? It's true, he left us again without a goodbye. And yes, it hurt. But I respect him, and I respect the decisions he makes. If he decides to be with this woman, to spend an afternoon in Tokyo with her, who are you to say he shouldn't?"

"I'm his friend! I know he won't be happy with anyone but Jo-chan — "

"How do you know that?" she had interrupted him.

"Because they love each other, that's why!"

"You think."

"Listen, I don't know what your problem is with Jo-chan—"

"Do you want to know, Sanosuke?" she had said with sudden anger. "My problem with her is that she threw away Ken-san's one chance for happiness. He adored her. But she was too confused to accept his love, and too self-centered to return it. I don't know why Ken-san left, but I can bet you it had something to do with Ryou and her. And I'm sure it was very painful for him."

Megumi had crossed her arms over her chest and shot him an icy look.

"So no, I do not have any sympathy for that Kamiya girl. And what's more, I think you should just leave Ken-san alone. From what I've heard about Katsura Ayumi, she seems like a strong, determined woman who knows what she wants. And if Ken-san has decided to be with her, then I am happy for him. Maybe he's finally found someone confident enough of herself to love him back completely."

He had heard her out patiently, then remarked in a casual tone:

"Well, seems he still thinks that someone is Jo-chan."

"What?" she had demanded.

"He's at the dojo right now, kicking Ryou out."

Her face had suddenly tensed with alarm.

"Sano! There might be trouble!"

He had rolled his eyes.

"Please, Fox, we're talking about Kenshin here, right? Kenshin? A.k.a. Hitokiri Battousai? You should have more confidence in him."

"But that Ryou -- there's something about him that's always bothered me. . ."

"Probably the fact that he's an evil, cunning bastard?"

"So then what are you waiting for?" she had retorted heatedly. "Ken-san might need your help!"

"Alright, alright!" he had muttered. "I'll go there right now!"

He had been about to slide himself off the examining table, when suddenly she had placed the flat of her palm against his chest, stopping him.

"Wait," she had said quietly, winding the bandage one more time around his torso and tucking it securely into place. Her fingers had lingered a moment longer on his chest.

He had stopped breathing altogether.

"Be careful," she had murmured. Then she had turned away and walked back into the outer room where her other patients sat waiting.

As he walked towards the dojo, Sanosuke kept her image in his mind, the grin still on his lips.

_I knew it. She digs me._

_Maybe I'll drop by again tonight. Drag her to the Akabeko, or something. If I do it right, maybe I can coax her into buying dinner for us both. . ._

He rounded a corner. The gate to the dojo lay a few feet ahead. He kept walking, his mind pleasantly occupied with thoughts of sukiyaki, when suddenly, a crazed-looking woman rushed out of the gate.

Sano came to a halt. The woman saw him and stopped in her tracks so suddenly that she almost tripped on her feet. She stared at him.

He stared back at her.

_It's her! _he thought, completely taken aback. _It's that chick with Kenshin!_

Ayumi was having the same flash of recognition. At first, she had been so relieved to see somebody on the street that she had almost thrown herself at him. But after a second, she realized she'd seen that tall, lanky man somewhere before. . .

_It's him!_ she thought, appalled. _It's that scoundrel who beat Kenshin up!_

"It's you!" she exclaimed indignantly.

"Nice to see you again," Sano said smoothly.

Her mouth dropped open in outrage.

_Are you out of your mind? _the voice of reason interjected._ You don't have time to bicker! Kenshin needs help!_

_That's right, Kenshin needs help._

_Oh, kami-sama, please help me!_ she thought desperately._ This rascal is Kenshin's only hope!_

"Please," she said urgently. "I need help! People are hurt!"

"What?" Sano asked her, frowning.

"In there!" she cried at him, pointing to the courtyard beyond the gates of the dojo.

Her face was stretched with anxiety. Her hand was trembling.

Sano wasted no time. He ran to the gate and stopped cold.

"_Holy shit!_"

His eyes scanned over the bloody bodies lying limply in the dust. He stared back at Ayumi in horror.

"Please, we don't have much time," she implored. "Do you –- "

"_What the hell happened?_ Are they all. . .I mean, are they still. . ."

"Yes! But they won't be for long if we stand around here!" she screamed at him. "Can you get a doctor to come here, fast? Can you?"

Sano watched her mouth moving quickly, the words reaching him slowly through the haze of his shock.

. . ._doctor. . ._

_Doctor? _he thought. He looked at Ayumi and saw her watching him expectantly, the desperation keen in her eyes. _Did she just say _doctor--

"Please!"

The shrill panic in her voice shook him into action.

_Doctor. _

_Right. The Fox._ He had to get the Fox.

"I'll be right back," he told her hastily. He sprinted back down the street, rounding the corner and breaking into a furious run. The wind lashed at his face and burned his lungs.

_Not fast enough! _He drove himself harder, until he could see the eaves of the clinic up the street ahead.

He burst in like a madman. "Fox!" he roared.

The startled patients stared up at him, terrified. Suddenly Megumi threw the inner shoji open, cold outrage on her face.

He didn't give her a chance to open her mouth. He crossed the room in one stride, grabbed the medicine kit in the corner, and swung her up into his arms. He rushed out of the clinic.

"Sanosuke!" she shrieked. Her arms tightened around his neck as he sped down the street at a frightful pace.

He said nothing. She peeked at him. His face was drawn into a grim mask against the wind, his body straining powerfully against hers, his breath harsh against her cheek.

_Where is he taking me?_

Suddenly she remembered. _The dojo!_

Megumi hid her face in the crook of his neck and held on tight.

She prayed they wouldn't be too late.

* * *

Sanosuke dumped her onto the dusty ground of the dojo courtyard.

"Hurry," he rasped, panting heavily.

She was transfixed at the sight before her.

"Megumi!" he shouted.

She had no time to be shocked. Steeling herself, she rushed over to where Kenshin and Kaoru lay.

_So much blood. . .I don't even know where to begin!_

She pressed her fingers against the side of Kenshin's neck and searched for a pulse.

_Please, Ken-san. . .please. . ._

"There!" she whispered, feeling a very feeble beating under her fingers. She turned to Kaoru.

Even now, the girl was enveloped in Kenshin's embrace. Megumi felt a wave of bitterness rise in her heart.

_Even like this, he's protecting her. . ._

She touched her fingers to Kaoru's neck and felt nothing. She refused to even think about what that could mean.

_Time,_ she thought frantically. _I don't have time!_

Suddenly Sanosuke was by her side, the medicine kit in his hand.

"Hurry and get Dr. Genzai!" she cried. "I can't help them both by myself!"

Sanosuke dropped the kit and ran off. Megumi eased Kenshin onto the ground and forced herself to concentrate fully on Kaoru. Anguish tore at her heart.

_Hang in there, Ken-san. . . _

_I. . ._

_I have to help Kaoru first._

She threw the lid of the kit open and forcefully pressed a pad of cloth against Kaoru's wound to staunch the bleeding. Suddenly she heard the patter of footsteps behind her.

"Wait!" came the frantic plea.

She looked up to find a woman standing beside her, a bloody katana in her grip. Her face was taut with fear.

"They've been poisoned!" the woman whispered, her voice harsh with panic.

"What?" Megumi said sharply, feeling everything begin to spin out of her control. The bleeding from Kaoru's side had barely lessened. The wound hadn't even been cleansed yet. And then there would be internal injuries to be considered, and stitching to do.

And that was just Kaoru.

Megumi forced her gaze away from Kenshin's battered body. She stared back up at the woman with the sword.

_And now poison too! What. . .what do I do first? It's too much! I don't know what to do!_

_Think!_ she screamed at herself. _You can't let them die!_

"What poison?" she demanded.

Ayumi tried to quell her mounting panic. The blade shook in her hand.

"I don't know!" she answered miserably. "But I think it was on this sword!"

Megumi stared at the katana.

"Drop it," she ordered immediately. Ayumi did as she was told. The katana clattered to the ground. It was then that Megumi saw the peculiar cuts in the haft of the sword. She looked back up at Ayumi.

"Hold this close to the wound to stop the bleeding," she said hurriedly. Ayumi sank to her knees and pressed the blood-soaked cloth against Kaoru's side. Megumi picked up the sword carefully.

If the poison had come from the sword, then it had to have been kept in a receptacle hidden inside the haft. She inspected the cuts in the wood and found a tiny notch on the surface.

_What's this. . .?_

With a flick of her fingernail, a small panel slid open. A clear liquid began to trickle down the blade.

She held the haft close to her face and inhaled lightly. An icy feeling of dread clamped over her heart.

The poison had a fishy smell. That meant only one thing.

_Fugu._

Suddenly Sanosuke came running into the courtyard with Dr. Genzai on his back. The old man scrambled onto the ground and hurried over to Kenshin.

"They've been poisoned with fugu toxin," Megumi told him urgently, dropping the sword and rushing back to Kaoru's side.

"Then we must hurry," Dr. Genzai murmured, pulling Kenshin's gi open and inspecting the cuts on his abdomen. "Sanosuke!"

"Hai!"

"Get me some charcoal and a pot of water!"

Sanosuke ran off. Dr. Genzai looked at Ayumi's stricken face.

"Ayumi-san, come closer," he beckoned, keeping his voice calm. "I need you to breathe for Kenshin."

Ayumi inched closer to him, her eyes fixated on Kenshin.

Dr. Genzai reached for her hand and placed it against Kenshin's jaw.

"Tilt his chin up, and breathe into his mouth. His chest should rise when you breathe in. Wait two seconds, then breathe in again. Do you understand?"

She nodded weakly.

"Good." Dr. Genzai left her side and sank to his knees opposite Megumi. Kaoru's body lay between them. Suddenly he noticed the one other body lying inert some distance away.

"Did you check on him?" he asked Megumi.

"Don't bother about him!" she said through gritted teeth, frustration and anger finally overwhelming her. _I don't care about that Ryou! I don't care if he dies! Kaoru is dying right before my eyes and I can't do anything to save her! _"Kaoru needs us now! That man only has a sakaba wound, and he's not even poisoned!"

Dr. Genzai's eyes bore into hers.

"Megumi, calm down. We'll pull through this. I've already sent Sanosuke for the charcoal and water. As soon as it gets here, we'll make a solution and pour it down their throats. What we must turn our attention to now is that wound, and her breathing. Alright?"

Megumi nodded. She let go of the soaked square of cloth in her hands.

"You take care of this wound," she told Dr. Genzai. "I'll breathe for her."

* * *

Ayumi tipped Kenshin's chin upwards, and pried his mouth open with her fingers.

_Breathe. . .for you. . ._

She took a gulp of air and covered his mouth with hers.

His lips were soft. She closed her eyes against the pain in her heart.

_A kiss. The one I've always dreamed of having with you._

_I never dreamed it would be like this. . ._

She breathed into him, opened her eyes and watched his chest. It rose slightly.

She lifted her lips from his, and counted.

_One. . .two. . ._

_Come back to me. . .please. . ._

She bent downwards and pressed her mouth against his once more.

* * *

In the very deep, warm, velvety blackness, Kenshin felt something fill his chest.

_What. . .?_ he thought drowsily, letting the darkness fall over him again.

Before the shadow slipped over his mind completely, he felt a touch of silk against his cheek.

And then somebody's lips, on his.

_Who. . .?_

He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn't. He felt a searing pain on his abdomen. He could not move a limb. And then he remembered.

_Kaoru! _he thought frantically. _I need to get help!_

_Why. . .can't I. . .move!_

Suddenly he heard a voice.

"Make him drink this. All of it."

_Dr. Genzai!_

Kenshin made a supreme effort to lift his lids. They stayed shut.

_Why can't I open my goddamn eyes!_ he screamed in his mind. _What the hell's wrong with me?_

He felt himself being propped up slightly. There was a touch on his lip, and fingers gently forcing his mouth open. Then the vilest liquid he had ever tasted was being poured down his throat.

_YUCK!_ he thought, mustering the force to expel the substance from his mouth. But he found that he couldn't even gag. His body stayed completely still as more of the liquid sloshed into his throat.

Mercifully, the liquid finally ran out. He tried to gulp in some air. All he could take in were short, shallow breaths.

_I need more air. . .I can't breathe. . ._

He was being eased back onto the ground. Then his chin was tilted upwards, and somebody's mouth closed over his.

A warm breath of air rushed into his body and filled his chest.

The lips left his, and he felt the warmth of life begin to rekindle within him.

_This warmth. . .this breath. . .who is it from?_

Suddenly he felt a caress on his brow. The lips hovered near his mouth again, and this time, he heard a voice:

"Come back to me, my darling. . .please. . ."

Her lips touched his, and he felt an indescribable tenderness in his heart.

_Ayumi. . ._

She breathed life into him. And slowly, he felt himself becoming whole again.

* * *

Megumi looked up as the shoji slid open. Ayumi stood in the doorway, a tray in her hands.

"Ayumi-san," she murmured.

Ayumi padded quietly into the room, and sank to her knees beside Megumi. She put the tray down and stared at Kaoru's heavily bandaged body.

"I brought you something to eat," she said to Megumi, picking up the teapot and pouring some tea. "I also laid out a futon in the living room. You should rest now."

"I can't –- not yet."

"How is she?"

"Better now, but still not out of danger."

Ayumi looked at Kaoru. The girl's body was eerily still, her face pale and serene.

"Is she breathing?" she whispered.

"Barely," Megumi answered. "But well enough that she can do without my help for a moment or two." She picked up the teacup and took a sip, glancing at Ayumi over its rim. "You did an excellent job with Kenshin, Ayumi-san."

Ayumi shook her head sadly, lapsing into silence.

Megumi put the teacup down.

"Perhaps you don't understand what it is you did," she said quietly. "Fugu toxin is one of the deadliest poisons in existence. Everyone knows that a small bite of badly prepared pufferfish is enough to kill a person. The purified toxin is even more lethal. And that is what was on that sword." She paused tiredly, pulling the sweat-soaked handkerchief from her hair. "The toxin deadens the muscles so that breathing is drastically impeded. Then the heart and other organs shut down. All that occurs with just a drop of purified toxin."

"The blade was coated with it," Ayumi cut in dully.

"Exactly. So do you see now how remarkable it is that they've survived? You should know that Ken-san is alive right now only because of you. The charcoal helped to absorb the poison, but it was really your breathing that saved him."

Ayumi felt tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes, and she averted her face from Megumi's probing gaze.

_Not yet! _she told herself._ Not now. You can't allow yourself to fall apart now. Kenshin still needs you._

"I only did as I was told," she replied softly. "I have you and Dr. Genzai to thank for everything."

She bowed deeply to Megumi and rose to her feet.

_Don't think about it. . .about how he almost died before your eyes. . ._

She closed her mind to all thought.

"I'll leave the tray here for you," she said as she turned to leave.

"Ayumi-san," Megumi called after her.

Ayumi paused at the doorway and looked back.

"Another effect peculiar to this poison is that even though the victim is almost completely paralyzed, they can hear and understand everything that's happening around them. And they can think with perfect clarity. Kaoru doesn't have that awareness right now because she's lost too much blood, but perhaps Ken-san does. . ."

Ayumi merely stood there, her shoulders weighed down and weary. Megumi felt a deep surge of pity.

"Talk to him," she said kindly.

"And tell him what?"

Megumi regarded her in silence for a moment.

"Whatever he needs to hear most," she answered.

* * *

Outside in the hallway, Ayumi paused before the door to Kenshin's room.

She thought about what she would see when she entered the room. Kenshin would be lying on his futon, his body limp and battered, his breathing labored.

She covered her face with her hands.

_I can't take this for much longer,_ she thought, anguished. _I can't bear not knowing whether he'll make it through the next hour or not. I can't bear to watch him suffer like this._

_Please, kami-sama. . .please don't take him away from me now._

The door suddenly slid open, and she looked up, startled. Sanosuke stared down at her with concern.

"Oi. What's wrong?"

Hastily she wiped her eyes dry.

"Nothing. Thank you for staying with him."

Sanosuke shrugged. He stepped out into the hallway.

"When I get back," he said, "I'll watch Kenshin so you can rest a little. You look really tired."

"No, I'm quite alright, thank you."

He saw her eyeing the long, fabric-wrapped object he held in his hand.

"What, this?" he muttered. "This is that goddamn poisoned katana. Megumi wants me to hand it over to the police."

"So you're going to report this incident?" she murmured, unconsciously inching away from the sheathed blade.

"If you ask me," Sanosuke replied brusquely, "it's just a waste of time." He glanced at the door to Ryou's room. "I was ready to go in there and finish that bastard off, but Megumi wouldn't hear of it. She wants the police to handle everything. Whatever. That fugu poison _is_ some pretty strong shit, and it's gotta be illegal, so I guess she _does_ have a point."

"Is anyone watching him right now?" Ayumi asked worriedly.

"Dr. Genzai. Don't worry, he's out cold. And I've got his sword right here." He turned to head down the hallway. "I'd better get going."

Ayumi nodded, and watched him disappear at the corner of the hallway. She glanced back at Kenshin, who was tucked into a futon in the middle of the room. She stepped inside and slid the door closed.

He seemed perfectly at peace. She knelt down beside him.

"How are you feeling, Kenshin?" she asked him softly, gently brushing his hair away from his forehead. Her fingers traced his scar tenderly. "You're doing very well. Please wake up soon. I can't wait to see you open your eyes again. When you do, I promise I'll have some yakitori ready for you, just the way you like it. And a roasted sweet potato for dessert. How does that sound? And. . ."

She reached for his hand. It was frighteningly cold. She laced her fingers through his, willing her warmth to seep into him.

_What else can I say?_ she wondered desperately. _I could talk about a million inane things, but. . ._

_Tell him whatever he needs to hear most, Megumi-san said._

_What is that? What does he need to hear right now?_

"I. . ." she started to whisper. Suddenly she cut herself short.

_I love you. That's what I need to tell him right now._

Ayumi bowed her head miserably, and felt a twist of bitterness clutch at her heart.

_But that's not what he needs to hear. And you know it._

She looked at him, swallowed back the lump in her throat, and said:

"And -- and you'll be glad to hear. . .Kaoru-san is alright. She's sleeping now, but she's okay, and you can see her as soon as you wake up. So don't worry, just rest, ne? For now, just rest."

Ayumi pushed aside the pain in her heart, and searched for the strength to be at peace.

_For now, we're together,_ she told herself_. No matter what happens after today, I have this moment with him._

She pressed his fingers to her lips, and watched him sleep.

* * *

It was some time later when Ayumi left Kenshin's side to go to the kitchen. She filled a basin with water and slipped some clean towels over her arm.

_There's still some blood caked on his skin,_ she thought. _I'll clean him up so at least he'll feel a little bit fresher. . .The evenings are really humid here. . ._

She was about to go back into Kenshin's room when she noticed that the door to Ryou's room was half open.

_How inconsiderate you are,_ she chided herself. _Dr. Genzai hasn't even had a break since he arrived here. The poor man's probably starving. . ._

Balancing the basin on her hip, she walked over to the door and peeked inside.

The room was unsettlingly dark. She could make out a figure sprawled on the futon in the middle of the room. She squinted into the shadows.

"Dr. Genz — "

Suddenly a hand clamped over her mouth. A powerful arm caught her body in a vise and hauled her into the darkness of the room.

The basin tumbled onto the soft tatami. Water splashed silently onto the mat.

The door slid closed.


	12. Conviction *revised*

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan**  
**

**Chapter Twelve: Conviction**

Ayumi could not breathe. The hand that was clamped over her mouth cut off all air. Jagged fingernails dug into her cheek and cut her skin.

Sheer terror flooded her brain, and she twisted her body frantically, trying to wrest herself from his hold.

No use. Steel-corded thighs gripped her body and pinned her limbs to the floor. An unyielding grip held her arms twisted behind her back. A massive, heaving body lay stretched out atop hers.

She heard a low chuckle. His thumb dug painfully under her jaw and forced it upwards, straining her neck out into an arch. Her eyes scanned the darkness wildly. She could not see his face.

Suddenly she felt a heated whisper at her ear.

"Ah. . .Katsura-san. Pleasure to see you again."

Ayumi thrashed her limbs in vain. Her mind was starting to spin. She inhaled furiously, desperate for air, craning her neck against the hand that was still clamped over her face.

Then his lips grazed her neck.

She went dead still.

"You have such a beautiful neck," he murmured. She could feel his eyes watching her face in the darkness.

"So. . .you can't breathe, is that it?" he continued. "But. . .how shall I say this? Your neck is. . .even more beautiful this way. I can feel every line, every curve. And your skin. . ."

Again his lips brushed against the column of her throat.

". . .is throbbing. . .exquisitely."

The dimness of the room was starting to spiral into a deeper darkness. Ayumi plunged willingly into it, feeling herself slowly slipping free of the fright that held her paralyzed. Into her weakening consciousness, a final prayer surfaced:

_Please, just let me die. Now. Nobody's going to save me. Don't make me live through this._

Kenshin's pale, bruised face flashed in her mind. She let herself fall deeper into the void.

_Nobody's going to save me now. . ._

Suddenly the hand was lifted from her face. Reflexively, her head snapped forward and her mouth fell open. She gulped in huge, rapid breaths of air, each gasp sending a shudder through her body.

Her head fell back onto the tatami. She looked up at the ceiling. Slowly, the room came back into focus, and her eyes adjusted to the gray semi-darkness.

A shadowed face stared down forbiddingly at her, inches away. Ryou still lay solidly on top of her, his free hand resting lightly near her face. Her arms still lay pinned and twisted beneath her back.

"Passing out already?" he inquired. His words came in harsh, muttered breaths that told her he was still hurting from the sakaba wound. "No good. I wouldn't have you. . .miss the fun."

He lifted a finger and traced her cheekbone. She swung her head away in disgust. Without warning, he gripped her jaw and brutally forced her to face him.

"Ever the princess, aren't we now? Don't worry. . .I have no intentions of despoiling you whatsoever. The thought of Battousai's blood running over my fingers is far more exciting than forcing myself on some. . ." his lip curled into a sneer, ". . .tight-thighed Ishin trash. . .like you," he finished, his breath rasping in the silence.

Ayumi regarded him disdainfully.

"At least the Ishin won the war," she hissed. "As for you -- you lost and you still can't win, even with all your filthy tricks -- "

The blow he dealt her snapped her face to the side. She tasted blood in her mouth.

He held his palm close to her cheek.

"You don't want to get on my bad side, princess. I could snap your neck in half with this hand."

Ayumi ignored the repulsive caress of his palm against her cheek. She felt a trickle of blood slide onto her tongue from her cut lip. As she stared blankly at the tatami next to her face, a reckless bravery borne of despair slowly began to edge out her fear. Out of this bravery came a sudden clarity of thought.

_This man is going to kill me_, she thought dispassionately. _Everything ends here._

_Everything. . ._

She stared at the wall across from her. Kaoru was in that room, with Megumi. And across the hallway lay Kenshin.

Her breath caught.

_It ends here for me. . .for me, but not for them. It can't. I won't allow it._

_If I don't do something, this man will slaughter them all._

Kenshin's limp, helpless form flashed in her mind again. She stifled the surge of pain and fear that swelled up within her at the thought of him. In the next few minutes, unless she did something, Ryou would finish her off, then head down the hallway, find Kenshin, and. . .

She felt herself growing cold.

Kenshin's survival was the one question that everything now boiled down to.

_Everything. . ._

Her whole life. Everything she had ever done, felt, and lived through now came to a climax in this moment. Brief snatches of memories flitted through her consciousness. The simple happiness of her childhood in Choshu. The grave beauty of the Emperor's court. The endless afternoons in the Kyoto teahouse. The quiet life in Otsu.

And now, this.

_It's so short_, she thought sadly. _It took an agonizingly long time to live, but remembering it is so short._

_I really haven't done much, have I? Except grieve. ._

Her arms, still pinned underneath her, were starting to go numb. She tried to wiggle her fingers. With a start, she realized that Ryou had let go of her wrists. His arms were now braced at her sides. Only the weight of his body kept her arms trapped under her back.

Suddenly her fingers brushed against something solid tucked into the layered folds of her obi. Her whole body went perfectly still.

_My dagger!_

She had completely forgotten about the stiletto blade she always carried in her sash. She had never even taken it out of its sheath, much less wielded it. But now. . .

_Unless I use it, Kenshin will die._

Kenshin would die. . .

She pushed aside the last of her fear, and let her fingers close imperceptibly over the tip of the slim lacquered sheath.

. . ._I won't allow it._

With calm deliberateness, she turned to face Ryou, and stared directly into his eyes.

He held her gaze, his eyes hard, glittering slits in the darkness.

Then he spoke. His lips barely moved.

"Katsura Ayumi," he said, drawling her name out slowly. "Beautiful, untouchable, fearless. . ."

His face dipped into the curve of her neck. Then, with a shock that left her cold, she heard him mutter roughly against her skin:

"This might prove to be. . .pleasurable after all."

_Now_. She knew it had to be done at that moment. There was no time left.

With sudden, desperate ferocity, she jerked her head upwards and viciously sank her teeth into his earlobe. The vileness of his blood seeped onto her tongue. She heard him cry out, pain and rage coalescing into one sound so terrifying that for an instant her mouth went slack.

It was then that he struck her.

Ayumi felt her neck snap to one side. White, glaring pain exploded in her mind.

She couldn't move her head.

_My neck's broken_, she thought. _I'm dead._

But she could still hear him. He was panting heavily, somewhere in the room, somewhere near her. She could still taste his blood in her mouth.

_Not yet, Ayumi,_ she told herself. _Almost, but not yet. Now move. You've got to move._

The oppressive weight of his body no longer pinned her to the floor. She forced her eyes open and fought to raise her head. Pain shot through every nerve in her neck, stabbing deep into her bones. She grit her teeth and twisted her body until she was flat on her stomach. Forcefully, she planted her palm against the rough tatami and tried to shove herself upright. Reeling from the pain, she looked up, and stopped dead.

Ryou sat a few feet away, one side of his face streaked with blood. He remained motionless, watching her. His breathing came in labored, slow, measured gasps that sounded like a fury waiting to gain all its strength before exploding. One of his hands clutched the deep gash that had been gouged into his chest by Kenshin's sakaba.

Ayumi shimmied as far away from him as she could, as quickly as the screaming pain in her head would allow. Her feet hit the wall, and she backed herself up against it. Slowly, she pushed herself upwards, onto her feet.

At the corner of her eye, she could make out Dr. Genzai's crumpled body, hunched limply against one wall. Directly before her sat Ryou, the door squarely behind him. The basin she had been carrying lay on the floor amidst a spill of water, forgotten.

There was total silence, save for their breathing. No sound came from the room next to theirs. Ayumi kept her eyes fixed on Ryou, remembering with sudden anxiety the two women in the next room, separated from her and this madman only by a paper wall. . .

_I'm sure Megumi-san heard him scream. Why is it so quiet? What. . ._

Her thoughts were cut short as she watched Ryou rise slowly to his feet. His eyes were still focused relentlessly on hers. He began moving towards her.

The room was small. Two more steps and he'd have his hands on her again. Suddenly she remembered the dagger.

She reached into her sash and pulled it out. Her hand shook slightly as she cast the sheath away. She gripped the dagger threateningly.

It gave him pause. His eyes flickered over the blade, then swung back to meet her unblinking, fevered gaze.

She expected him to say something, something snivelly or vile or menacing. Instead, he stood there in silence. The cold fury in his eyes only seemed to intensify with each pained breath that hissed past the grim line of his mouth.

Ayumi kept the dagger aimed at him, poised to strike.

_To strike. . .what a joke_, she thought with amused desperation. _How do I even attack him? How do I even use this thing?_

Frantically she tried to think of how Kenshin wielded his sword, and of how Kaoru had held the bokken. She thought of the strength and skill with which they had handled their blades, realizing with sinking certainty that she herself possessed neither.

And as she stared at Ryou, keenly aware of the cold, hard hatred in his eyes, and the brute strength pulsating from his wounded body, the fear returned and washed over her in an overwhelming, freezing wave. She knew she could never overpower, never outmaneuver this man. And even if she did succeed in stabbing him, she seriously doubted that the wound she'd inflict would be able to stop him.

All of a sudden, the thin blade of her dagger looked pitiful and almost comical in her trembling fist.

_You knew he was going to kill you. . You knew you were going to die._

A panicky chant was starting to drown out the clear, brave voice in her head.

_Why now?_ she thought desperately. _I can't fall apart now. . ._

She searched within herself for that dispassionate bravery that had allowed her earlier to think clearly and attack him without fear. She tried to push away the sudden onslaught of panic, and muster up some strength, any strength she still had within.

But it was useless. The fear was choking her, holding her immobile, closing off all thought.

Except for one. One starkly undeniable thought that reverberated in her mind, and pounded along with the fear in her bones:

_I. . ._

_I don't want to die._

She had thought she could do it -- bait Ryou, trick him, and somehow stop him, even if she met her death doing so. Moments earlier, it had all been so clear -- her life would be given to save Kenshin. It was an honor to die to save the one person she loved most. The blade in her hand held her honor -- honor as simple and true as it had ever been for her ancestors, for the Ishin, and for Kenshin: the firm, singular conviction to sacrifice oneself in order to protect something held precious.

Every instinct in her body screamed at her to move, to rush forward and plunge the dagger into Ryou's chest. The actions played out in her mind, again and again, each time with frenzied intensity. She could see the dagger sinking into his flesh, her hand white and strained, gripping the handle.

_Do it! You have to! You have to save Kenshin!_

And after she stabbed Ryou, what would happen?

Her mind drew a blank. A dark, definitive blank that foreshadowed the certainty of her fate.

_I'd. . .be dead._

But Kenshin would be alive, Kaoru would be alive. They would be happy together.

_I'd be dead, but at least he'll be happy. I've lost him already. What does it matter what happens to me now?_

_At least, this way, I can try to make him happy. . .one last time._

_Isn't that what I decided I wanted?_ she asked herself. _Didn't I say I just want him to be happy?_

Time had seemingly dissipated into an endless moment that stretched between her and Ryou. The blade wavered slightly in the air between them. The sudden rush of fear had caught her off guard.

_Why am I so afraid of dying all of a sudden? Why should any of this matter now? Now isn't the time! I don't have the time!_

_Kenshin's life and his happiness. . .it's all in my hands now. . ._

Suddenly her frantic thoughts slowed to a halt. An astonishing realization pierced through the panicked confusion in her mind.

_Kenshin's happiness. . ._

The words repeated themselves in her consciousness.

It was then that she finally understood.

The questions crowding her mind had not sprung from cowardice. The doubt that gripped her was not about fear of death.

_Yes,_ _I do want Kenshin to be happy. Yes, that is what I decided. But I was still wrong._

_Because this moment is not about his happiness. It's about me._

_It's about my life._

She stared at Ryou as if with new eyes. At the tips of her fingers, she could feel the cold fear slowly seep away, the freezing wave within her chest ebb and fade. In its place returned a calmness more solid and more brave than what she had felt earlier.

She gripped the handle of the dagger. Her hand no longer trembled.

_I am going to live through this. I thought it wouldn't matter whether I lived or not, after this moment. But it does. I don't want to die. I don't know if that makes me a coward, or foolish, or selfish, or what. But I am not about to just let myself die._

_I will stop this man. For Kenshin, and for everyone._

_But for myself most of all._

With the strength of that conviction fueling her heart, she sprang forward like a madwoman and aimed for the deep gash in his chest.

Still breathing painfully from the sakaba wound, Ryou was unprepared to fend off the crazed, sudden strength behind her stab. In shock, he stared at the dagger embedded in his chest. He staggered backwards a step.

Ayumi found herself momentarily paralyzed, wondering if she had managed to stab him squarely in the heart. He continued to stagger backwards. His shoulders were hunched, his fist wrapped around the handle of the dagger. He looked like he was going to collapse at any second.

Then, to her horror, he gripped the handle fiercely, and, with a brutal cry, ripped the blade out of his flesh.

Ayumi stared at him in mute terror. Slowly, he raised his head. His eyes locked onto hers. He clutched the dagger in a fist slippery with blood. The mangled flesh on his chest dripped dark, heavy splotches onto the floor.

_Run! _she screamed at herself.

But there was no way out. He towered before her, the dagger in his fist raised to strike. . .

_The wall! The wall behind you! It's made of paper! Push yourself through it!_

She tried to move, to heed the screaming voice in her mind. But her limbs stayed rooted to the spot.

_Move! _she implored herself. _Please! The wall! Get through the wall!_

Suddenly, a blinding flash of light sliced through the gray darkness in the room. She winced. Then she heard a frightening cry.

_Too late now. . ._

But there was no pain. No icy stab of steel in her chest.

A spray of liquid, thick and warm, splashed across her face. She opened her eyes, and found the room colored in a haze of blood. Blood dripped from her lashes, clung to her nostrils, streaked her cheek. Her mouth fell open in a soundless scream of terror.

Before her stood Ryou, the dagger still in his hand. A long, shining blade protruded from the gaping gash in his chest. As suddenly as it had appeared, the blade withdrew cleanly back through his body. Another gush of thick, heavy blood spurted from the hole in his chest onto her face.

And then he was falling, falling forward, onto her. His immense body blocked out the sudden light from the doorway. Ayumi could no longer move. She watched his body falling, his face contorted, the dagger flashing in his grip. No thought came to her head. Her whole being was held in a paralysis of total shock.

Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her away from the wall. As if from a great distance, she heard Ryou's body crash through the barrier of paper and wood. The sound echoed faintly in her consciousness. Then an unbelievably profound stillness settled over the room.

Her eyes fell upon a dark figure standing in the doorway. They followed the sharp, shadowed planes of his face, and the curve of the sword that he held firmly in his grasp. Then she felt a touch on her cheek. Her eyes shifted slowly. Another face, above hers, couched in the same darkness. His mouth was moving, but she could no longer hear.

Her eyes closed and everything was bathed in a merciful, silent darkness.

* * *

Somebody was touching her lip.

It was a very gentle touch, almost hesitant, almost a caress. She lifted her lids slowly, with great effort. They cracked open, and the first thing she saw was the muted whiteness of a shirt. Then a face came into view. Then two startled dark brown eyes, staring into hers.

Sanosuke yanked his finger away from her lip as if he'd been burned. He found himself completely at a loss for words. Hastily, he wiped the remainder of the ointment on his pant leg and distanced himself a few inches away from her side.

The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. She watched him silently. He cleared his throat, searching for something to say.

Suddenly she spoke, in a voice creaky from disuse:

"It's you."

He couldn't think of what to say to that, so he nodded once, inanely.

Her eyes were unsettlingly direct. He looked down at the small round tin of ointment in his hands.

"I. . .uh. . ." he began mumbling, then bit his lips together in frustration. Gruffly, he continued:

"Sorry I woke you up. I was just putting this on that cut on your lip. It's just that. . You see, I'm not too good at doing these things. Usually I'm the one getting medicated, you know?"

He looked up at her. She regarded him in silence for a moment longer. Then, slowly, her lips curved into a slight smile.

Inexplicably, he felt his heart skip a beat.

_God, she's gorgeous, _he found himself thinking before he could stop himself.

"Is that so?" she murmured. "Please be assured. . You didn't disturb me at all. I'm glad to be awake. But. . You know. . ." She paused, taking a breath, the words tiring her. She searched her mind for the proper expressions used in making a formal acquaintance. They weren't even acquainted, and yet this man had sat at her bedside and watched over her.

Who was he, this strange man who, a day after beating Kenshin up so severely, had run the length of Tokyo twice to fetch doctors to save his life? A man capable of grim fury and yet. . .deep compassion as well.

She wanted at least to know his name.

Sanosuke sensed her fatigue and made a move to rise.

Her fingers fell upon his wrist. He stopped short.

"You shouldn't talk so much yet, you know," he finally said. "You should be resting. I'll go now so you can go back to sleep."

"No, please," she protested, her voice a raspy whisper. "Please stay. I. . .I don't want to sleep quite yet."

Sanosuke looked at her uncertainly for a moment, then sighed in acquiescence.

"Alright," he said, settling onto the floor once again.

Too tired to craft a properly-phrased, polite sentence in her head, she asked him simply:

"What's your name?"

He glanced at her in surprise. What, she didn't even know his name?

_Well, she's asking now, _a voice in his mind retorted. _So answer her, you baka. She's waiting._

"Uh. . .Sagara," he mumbled. "Sagara. . .Sanosuke."

She was silent for a moment. Then he heard her say:

"Nice to meet you, Sanosuke-san. My name is Ayumi."

He bowed his head awkwardly in response, wondering why on earth he was having this conversation. He already knew all about her. _Katsura_ Ayumi. At the clinic that day, Megumi had told him all about this woman.

_Katsura Kogoro's niece_,she'd said. _Princess from Choshu._

And the same woman who, a week ago, had faced up to that insane maniac Ryou armed only with a tiny dagger she didn't even know how to use.

_Rot in hell, bastard, _Sanosuke thought with sudden fury. Once again, the events of that night flooded his mind in a vivid rush.

He had been on his way back from the police station, when suddenly he had noticed that Saitou had fallen into step beside him.

"What the hell are you following me for?" he had asked irritatedly.

Saitou's eyes had flickered over to his side.

"There's a matter at the dojo that still needs to be taken care of," he'd answered flatly.

Sanosuke had felt his hackles rise.

"What, that worthless bastard Ryou? He's as good as dead."

Saitou's thin lips had stretched in a feral smile.

"You obviously don't know who you're dealing with."

And he had been right. The two of them had barely stepped into the foyer when they heard a yell come from the back portion of the house. Sanosuke had been about to rush in, but Saitou had flashed out his sword and pointed it at his throat, saying succinctly:

"We move in quietly."

"You crazy asshole!" he'd whispered furiously. "We don't have time for this!"

"I've been waiting forever for an excuse to lop your worthless head off. You're welcome to hand it to me tonight."

That said, Saitou had proceeded stealthily down the hallway, until he had reached the room where Ryou had been put. Without warning, he had slammed the shoji to the side and skewered Ryou in one clean, fluid movement. From the side of the doorway, Sanosuke had watched the deadly line of the gatotsu slice into the darkness. In the next breath, Saitou had withdrawn his sword and slid it back smoothly into its sheath.

It was then that Sanosuke had noticed her.

She had been standing, pressed against the wall, her face horribly streaked with blood. He remembered the sudden, uncontrollable rush of fury that had exploded within him at the sight. He had sprinted to her side, and scooped her up and away from the wall, seconds before Ryou's body went crashing through it.

He remembered how cold and rigid she had felt, as he had held her there, on the floor. Her eyes had been wide and eerily unfocused.

Then she had blacked out.

_Severe shock,_ Megumi had told him. No shit. He glanced at Ayumi again, wondering if she remembered anything. It had been a week ago, but every night since then, she had lain in the grip of delirium, twisting feverishly while he sat helplessly at her side.

Once more, a heavy sense of guilt nagged at him.

_I should have been the one watching that bastard, not Dr. Genzai. If it had been me, none of this would've happened, and she would never have had to go through that. . ._

Her voice broke into his thoughts.

"Anoo, Sanosuke-san. . ."

He looked up.

"Thank you. . for watching over me," she said, her voice dropping to an earnest softness. Before he could say anything, she continued:

"It was you, wasn't it? The one who held me at the end."

The tenderness in her voice hummed delicately in the silence and wrapped his chest in a strange, heavy warmth. He said nothing, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor.

_So she does remember._

Then he felt her touch on his hand.

"Arigatou, ne?" she murmured. He finally raised his eyes and met her gaze. She was smiling at him, a wan smile on pale lips. "Hontou ni arigatou."

"Iya," he replied hesitantly, with a shake of his head. He looked away.

The gratefulness in her gaze was tearing him up inside. His guilt was almost choking him.

Ayumi watched his face tense.

"What's wrong?" she asked him quietly.

He refused to answer.

"Sanosuke-san?"

The way she whispered his name became his undoing. He seldom heard the honorific "san" appended to his name, and to hear it now, from her, along with the shade of worry in her voice, was too much. At that moment, he felt a surge of self-loathing so strong that he could no longer bear to stay there, at her side, a moment longer.

As he was about to shove himself to his feet, her hand suddenly slipped into his, stopping him once more.

He stared at her, not understanding.

Ayumi gazed at him steadily. She knew very well that look on his face, the sudden rigidity in his body, those lowered eyes. She'd seen them, countless times, on her uncle and on Kenshin. It was the same haunting, anguished inner assault of guilt.

How well she'd come to know moments like these.

"You know, Sanosuke-san," she began softly, "I meant what I said. I will never forget how you carried me away from that wall, at that moment." She paused, taking in a weary breath. "And I don't know if you'll believe me or not, but in a way. . .I am glad that I had that. . .experience. . .in that room."

"You don't need to lie to me," he muttered harshly.

"I am not lying," she replied evenly, but her eyes sparked with indignation. She let go of his hand and looked away.

"But of course you wouldn't understand," she murmured, after a short silence. "What I'm trying to say is. . .there was a moment, while I was in that room, when I suddenly realized something very important. That's all. A moment. But it was a moment that is now very important to me."

He found himself looking at her. His eyes traced the delicate lines of her face, the cheekbones marred by dark bruises, the lip cut open on one side. On the pillow, her hair billowed and spread in a soft black cloud. Bandages were wound around the arch of her neck, which had been dangerously strained when she had been struck.

And yet, even in such a condition, she lay there, quietly speaking to him about her ordeal. Speaking with a strength of conviction and a profound calmness which he could not even begin to understand. Within him, there welled up once again that unwilling admiration that he had felt the first time he had sat watch by her side.

She was a remarkable woman, this Katsura Ayumi. And somehow, it was an agony for him to remember what she had gone through -- a surprisingly keen agony that left him inwardly tormented and furious with himself.

He would never forget her face, the face he'd seen in that room, streaked with blood and shot through with fear.

_If we'd been two seconds late. . ._

He glanced at her again. She suddenly seemed so small and frail, lying there before him, her eyes distant and darkened, focused on nothing. In the silence, he could feel words flooding his heart, words he could not bring himself to say aloud:

_Gomen ne, Ayumi. . .Hontou ni gomen._

_I'm sorry there was nobody there to protect you. . ._

His jaw tightened as he willfully pushed away the memory of her face.

_. . .more sorry than you'll ever know._

He looked down at the tin of ointment in his hand.

_Listen to yourself, you pathetic asshole! _he snapped at himself. _You sound just like Kenshin. "Sorry I wasn't able to protect you", blah, blah, blah. . ._

The ranting in his mind stilled for a moment.

_Why the hell is that? _he wondered honestly. _I don't even know this woman. And she didn't die, or anything. She's okay now._

_So why do I feel like such a worthless piece of shit?_

He stared at her again. He didn't know. He didn't know what it was about her that struck him so deeply. When she spoke, something in her voice sneaked its way inside him and wrapped him in a sudden, startling warmth. Whenever he was near her, he found his eyes straying to her face, and his chest beginning to tighten. . .

_Like right now, _he thought. She was deep in thought, her face turned slightly away from him. The curve of her cheek lay nestled against the softness of the pillow.

He ached to touch it.

At that moment, she turned her head to face him once more. Their eyes met. This time, he didn't look away.

_Who are you, Katsura Ayumi?_ he found himself thinking. _And what are you doing to me?_

"How is Kenshin?" she asked suddenly, her voice hesitant and worried.

_Kenshin. . ._

Sanosuke froze inwardly for a moment as he remembered Kenshin.

Kenshin. His friend, Kenshin, who lay in the next room, his body battered and weakly healing.

_How could you forget?_ he thought to himself furiously.

Kenshin. . .and Ayumi.

This woman was his.

Sanosuke shot to his feet. Ayumi stared at him strangely.

"Kenshin's. . .Kenshin's fine," he muttered. "He's been awake for a while now, but he can't move around just yet. I'll let him know you're okay."

She looked up at him in silence for a moment longer. Then she nodded slowly.

"Alright. . ." she said uncertainly, unsettled by the abruptness in his manner.

"Well, guess I'll go for now," he said, sticking his hands into his pockets. "I'll get Megumi to look in on you. Try and get some rest, ne?"

"Hai," she murmured.

He strode to the door, let himself out, and slid it shut behind him. He stood in the hallway for a moment.

He'd forgotten. He'd forgotten how she had walked into his life in the first place. She had appeared, before his eyes, in that crowded market downtown. . .on Kenshin's arm. And when he'd been beating Kenshin up, she had cried and shielded him with her own body.

And just now, when her eyes had been far away, she had been thinking of him.

_What does she mean to you, Kenshin? And what about Jo-chan?_

Sanosuke sighed wearily.

_God, I'm so screwed up, _he thought with disgust. _I'd better stay away from her until I get my head straightened out._

"Sanosuke?"

He looked up. Megumi stood at the corner of the hallway, a tray of medicine in her hands.

"Oi," he muttered.

"Taking a break?" she asked.

"Just going out to get some air. She just woke up. You gonna go check on her?"

Megumi nodded. Sanosuke withdrew something from his pocket and placed it on the tray.

Megumi looked at it. It was a tin of wound ointment.

"Ja," he murmured. He turned and walked away.

Megumi watched him leave.

The metal of the tin caught the afternoon light and glared starkly in the quiet brownness of the hallway. She glanced at the closed shoji of Ayumi's room.

She had been quite surprised to find Sanosuke in the hallway. In the whole week since that fateful night, he had rarely left Ayumi's side. He had been the one to carry her into that room. And after that, he had insisted on being the one who saw to her recovery. He sat up day and night -- seeing her through her fits of delirium, dressing her wounds.

Megumi put the tray down on the small table that stood in the corner of the hallway, and picked up the tin. She twisted the lid off, and looked inside.

It was a tiny tin, and the ointment inside had been daubed into little round valleys by a cautious fingertip. She put the lid back on and placed the tin back on the tray. Her fingers trembled slightly.

Something in her chest twisted at the thought of Sanosuke touching Ayumi's face, gently tending to her bruises.

Megumi shook her head and picked up the tray.

_What nonsense. I have three severely injured patients to see to, four if you count Dr. Genzai and that huge bump on his head. I have no time to stand here and torment myself about that baka Sanosuke._

But. . .

_But why?_ her heart insisted. _Why is he spending so much time with her?_

_Could it be. . ._

Megumi blocked out her thoughts and proceeded down the hallway to Ayumi's room. She paused before the door.

It was all because of that night, that one insane night. The night that Sanosuke had rushed in and carried Ayumi to safety.

Who knew what strange changes a night like that wrought in a man's heart?

She couldn't say. And as she thought about the woman lying inside the room before her, Megumi found she could not blame Ayumi at all. For anything.

Because the anguish in her heart was all her own fault.

_I've always looked down on Kaoru because she never had the courage to tell Ken-san how she felt about him. She never had the strength of will to be honest with herself, to reach out for what she wanted, to love him without fear._

_But. . .I'm just the same way._

She had never, not once, admitted to herself how she really felt about Sanosuke. She had vigilantly guarded her emotions -- especially at moments when she'd felt a rush of warmth in her heart, or a tug of fondness within, just because he was near. She had told herself she was being foolish, that he was a no-good bum who would never change, and that nothing would ever work out between them.

How she'd been lying to herself all along. And now. . .

_I respect him, and I respect the decisions he makes._

The words echoed hauntingly in her mind. That was what she had said, in response to Sanosuke's protests about Kenshin returning to Tokyo with another woman on his arm. She'd spoken with such haughtiness, such self-righteousness. And yet only at that moment, standing alone in that hallway, did she realize how insensitive those words really were. She really hadn't understood how Kaoru had felt at all.

But she did now. The gripping sense of despair, of loss so keen.

The knowledge that it didn't have to be this way.

_Gomen, Kaoru. I was so cruel to you, ne?_

_I thought I was so right. I thought I had it all straight and spelled out._

_Maybe I did. But only now do I see how hard it actually is to do what I've been talking about._

She slid the door open. Ayumi looked up and greeted her with a smile.

It was suddenly a very painful thing for her to smile back. But she did.

"Megumi-san," Ayumi said, her voice only slightly above a whisper. "It's so good to see you."

"I'm glad to find you well, Ayumi-san," she replied. She knelt beside the futon and set the tray down on the floor.

"How are you feeling?" she asked in her best doctor tone.

Ayumi smiled again.

"Quite fine, actually. Sanosuke-san was kind enough to watch over me and keep me company."

Megumi nodded and busied herself with the assortment of medications on the tray, keeping her eyes shielded from Ayumi's guileless gaze.

_Is this the woman who stole Kenshin's heart? _she thought to herself. _And now. . .Sanosuke's, too?_

_What a mess we're in, Kaoru and I._

She wondered how it would all turn out. What would Kenshin say to Kaoru, when she woke up? What would be decided? Who would part, and who would stay together?

_Soon we'll all know. Even so. . .maybe it's a bit too late already._

_But for who? For Kaoru, or for me?_

Her fingers closed over a roll of bandages.

_I won't think about it_, she told herself firmly.

She turned to Ayumi and smiled benevolently, pushing her thoughts away.

Until Kaoru woke up, nothing would be decided. And even then, all she'd be able to do would be to wait and see.


	13. Parting

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan

** Chapter Thirteen: Parting**

He stepped out silently onto the porch. The touch of the wind against his skin felt harsh. He held up a pale hand and shielded his eyes.

His face felt stretched and parched. The bright afternoon sun glared off his white hakama and lit up the clay of the earth before him into a stark, burnt orange. Past his fingers, a blinding sky stretched overhead. He dropped his hand and stepped back into the shadow of the doorway.

It had been a while since he had been outside. For an interminable stretch of days, he had been enclosed by the warm, familiar brown walls of the house. The days had been nothing but a muted light glowing through the panels of the shoji in his room. And the nights. . .

He glanced momentarily behind his shoulder into the dark coolness of the hallway. The usual silence filled its length. There were no footsteps, no voices, no sound of silk swishing against ankles. Only the stale heaviness of silence.

The nights had been a long silence. An endless vigil in an almost empty room, with a lone candle burning soundlessly in a corner. He'd sat at her side, night after night, watching her as she slept -- too afraid to touch her, too afraid to leave, always fearing that the minute he'd turn away, her faint breathing would fade into a last sigh and he'd lose her forever. . .

The silence of the hallway echoed around him.

_She's still asleep, _he told himself. _Just asleep._

_Tonight, she'll open her eyes for me. . ._

_Tonight. For sure._

The soft sound of lapping water eased itself onto the silence. He turned his head. At the far end of the porch, he could see a woman hunched over something, her back to him. He began to make his way towards her, the bandages wrapped around his abdomen chafing against his skin as he moved.

At the sound of his step, she raised her head and glanced up at him. He stopped short. She squinted at him for a moment. Then a warm smile spread on her lips.

"Kenshin!" she exclaimed softly, letting the wet garment in her hand slip back into the soapy water. She stood and wiped her hands on her apron.

He stepped off the porch, staring at the wash basin and the rough little stool she had been sitting on.

"The laundry, huh?" he murmured.

"Yes." Her eyes scanned his face. "I'm so happy to see you out here. It's a wonderful day, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Kinda bright, though."

"Ah, that's just because you've been indoors too long." She swept the skirt of her kimono to one side and seated herself once more on the little stool. She looked up at him and patted the wooden floor of the porch beside her.

"Come, sit here so you'll be in the shade. I just have one more to go and then I have to hang these up on the line."

"Can I help?" he asked.

She smiled. "You've missed the laundry already, huh?"

"It's relaxing," he said with a shrug, sitting himself down on the porch. He listened to the water slapping gently against the cloth in her hand. His eyes wandered to her face. Her expression was calm, her attention on the basin before her. An errant lock of hair swept against her cheek.

"How are you feeling?" she asked him quietly.

"Better."

"That's good." She paused, wringing the cloth and setting it aside. Her eyes met his for an instant. "How is Kaoru?"

"The same."

She was silent for a while, staring at the dark mirror of water in the basin.

"She'll come around," she said quietly. "You shouldn't worry yourself. Her body is getting stronger every day. She's just catching up on rest, that's all. She'll wake up any moment now."

He said nothing.

"Right, Kenshin?" she said suddenly, touching his arm and drawing his eyes to hers. Her gaze was firm and direct. "Kaoru will come back to you. But it's important that you believe in her. It's important that you be there."

He didn't know what to say. He looked away.

"Kenshin?" Ayumi prodded.

He drew in a pained breath and rose from the porch, reaching for the bin full of wrung-out, freshly washed clothes. Without another word, he headed purposefully towards the clothesline.

_What does she want me to say? _he thought irritatedly, as he unwound a twisted sheet and spread it out on the line.

_I don't want to think about it. I want to believe that Kaoru will wake up. I want to tell myself that everything will be alright._

_I want to believe it so much. So much, that when I think it might not happen, I. . ._

_. . .I can't breathe._

Quiet footsteps came to a halt behind him.

"Kenshin, stop. You shouldn't. . .you shouldn't push yourself so hard."

He ignored her, reaching for another piece of clothing. As he bent down, pain sliced sharply across his abdomen. He crumpled to the ground.

"Kenshin!" Ayumi cried, horrified. She fell to her knees and reached for him.

He pushed her arms away. She stared at him, shocked. He turned away. Slowly, he pushed himself back onto his feet.

The pleasant afternoon air grew heavy. He could feel her staring at his back.

"Please, Ayumi," he whispered quietly. "Please, just let me do this. I _need_ to do this. If I don't. . .if I spend one more minute inside that house, I think I'll. . ."

His lips stilled as he felt her arms enfold him from behind, into a tight embrace. He felt her face pressed into his back.

"You don't need to say anything more," she murmured. "I understand."

Her arms fell away from him. He turned around and saw her bending down and picking up a piece of clothing from the bin.

"But I can't have you doing this just yet," she said, unwinding the cloth slowly in her hands. "Why don't you sit on the stool instead, and keep me company?"

He hesitated a moment, before sighing heavily and walking back to the stool.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. She turned her back to him for a moment and hung the cloth on the line.

"Do you remember," she asked him casually, ". . .that afternoon in the tea house when I taught you how to dance?"

_Dance?_

Suddenly he glanced at her sharply, as his mind hit on a hazy memory. . .

She laughed.

"You do remember!" she exclaimed.

He shook his head.

"Of course I remember," he retorted. Of course he remembered that Bon dance she had tried to teach him. Not only had he been stumbling around the room, his arms waving clumsily, but Katsura had almost caught him. . ._dancing_!

"You must promise me," she murmured with a mischievous smile, "that once you're better, you're going to dance one last dance with me."

"No way!" he answered instantly.

"Aw, come on. You did so well!" She paused, smiling down at him. "It's one of the greatest secrets of the Ishin, you know."

He arched a brow. "What is?"

Her smile widened into a grin that she unsuccessfully tried to suppress.

"That Himura Kenshin. . .can dance a mean Bon-odori!"

"I see," he said, grimacing.

"But don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you," he muttered.

She smiled.

"But you know what else is a secret?" she went on.

"I'm almost afraid to ask," he said, looking at her suspiciously through narrowed eyes.

"Do you want to know?"

"Not particularly."

"I knew you'd say that, you sulky man! But I'm going to tell you anyway. Because I think you should know."

He watched her walk to his side. Her head dipped near his ear, and he could feel her breath on his cheek as she whispered:

"Himura Kenshin is the _best_. . .the _only_ friend. . .I've ever had."

He sat there, the words echoing in his mind. She straightened and stepped away from him. A gentle smile curved her lips.

"Ayumi," he murmured. Something tugged painfully at his heart.

She sighed, and shook her head at the heavy sadness in his voice.

"I want you to be happy," she told him simply. "A heart as kind as yours deserves to be filled with nothing but happiness. Don't let the dark feelings cloud your heart, Kenshin. Kaoru will be alright. You'll be alright."

He studied her face impassively.

_But what about you? _he thought. _What about that strange warmth that's in your eyes? That strange gleam that looks suspiciously like pain?_

"What about you?" he asked suddenly.

She stared at him, caught off guard.

"Me?" she echoed. "What about me?"

"Are _you_ alright, Ayumi?" he asked her quietly.

She met his unflinching gaze, and knew she couldn't lie.

"No," she answered, so quietly that he almost didn't hear her. "But. . ." she continued hastily, in a firmer tone, ". . .I will be."

The silence stretched between them. Kenshin stared at her, his expression inscrutable. She looked away.

"Why?" he whispered.

Her head snapped back to face him.

"What are you asking me?" she demanded, her tone pained.

"Why aren't you happy, Ayumi?" he asked her, his voice soft. "In Kyoto, even though the world we lived in was hell, you were happy. But now. . ."

"My uncle is ill."

"Is that it?"

Her eyes flashed.

"What do you want me to say, Kenshin?"

He rose smoothly from the stool, his eyes never leaving hers.

She took a step back.

"Didn't you tell me once," he began quietly, "that happiness is something that must be fought for?"

Her eyes took on a telltale sheen of tears.

"Somehow. . .you look like you've given up on it," he finished bluntly.

"I did fight for it," she answered miserably, her voice dropping to a raw whisper. "But I lost."

She stared back at him now without fear, anguish shining brilliantly in her eyes.

The heaviness in his heart became almost unbearable. He tried to summon enough anger inside of him to push it away.

_He had known it was this. He had known she loved him._

His fingers curled into a tight fist.

_I'm not worth your misery, Ayumi. Not worth your tears._

_I won't have you in pain like this. . .over me._

"You lost nothing," he said flatly. His eyes turned cold. "I want you to stop this. I want you to stop thinking that I can make you happy."

The words bit cruelly into the silence. Ayumi stared at him, shocked.

Sudden anger hardened his eyes into flint.

"I can never make anyone happy, Ayumi. Not Tomoe, not Kaoru, and not you. So don't bother driving yourself into misery over me."

The fierce hatred in his words took her breath away.

"Why, Kenshin?" she whispered. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

He shifted his eyes away from hers.

"It's a curse, Ayumi," he answered softly, his tone losing its edge. "I'm cursed. The blood on my hands will never wash away. The dreams will never leave me."

He looked at his palm.

"And I am tired," he continued quietly. "Tired of seeing the same suffering. Even now. . .I can see Tomoe's face. That day, her eyes were dimming, but all the while, she was smiling. . ._smiling_. . .at me. There was pain in that smile, but there was warmth, too. . .her blood was warm."

"Kenshin, stop. . ." Ayumi implored, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"And Kaoru. . .always smiling, always happy. Her body was warm, when I picked her up from the ground. Her fingers were still gripping that bokken. . .she wielded that bokken for my sake."

He looked at her.

"And you. . ."

"Stop this," Ayumi whispered, stepping closer and holding his face in her hands. She touched her forehead to his, her tears dampening his cheeks. "Stop it! Why do you torment yourself so, Kenshin? Why do you. . ."

He kept on speaking, in the same soft, deadened tone.

"And you. . .I see the same warmth, the same pain, in your eyes."

He fell silent. She stared at his shuttered, hard expression. Her hands fell back limply at her sides.

"I am tired of it," he murmured. "The same meaningless suffering, again and again."

"Kenshin," she cut in softly. "Kenshin, you're forgetting. . .love is something that you cannot dictate. Maybe you don't understand why I love you, but despite what you think of yourself, when I look at you, I see. . .I see a man with so much kindness in his heart. And when I see that you're hurting, that you're unhappy. . .I'm unhappy too."

"Then choose not to love me," he muttered brusquely. "Pick someone else. There are lots of kind people in the world."

A wry smile quavered on her lips.

"There are a lot of kind people in the world, Kenshin, that's true, but I don't think I could love them just like that. Love isn't something that you choose. It just happens. You don't even need a reason."

He fell silent.

"Isn't that right, Kenshin?" she asked him gently. "If I asked you why you love Kaoru, could you give me a reason? Does it make sense to you, why you love her?"

Kenshin stared at her, at the brave honesty in her eyes.

_Does it make sense, that I love Kaoru?_

_Does it? Why do I love her? What is it about her?_

He thought of her, and remembered the pure joy of her smile, the iron determination with which she did everything, the foolish, reckless courage that got her into trouble so many times.

It was because of that reckless courage that she had charged him that night in Tokyo, on that darkened street.

It was because of that that they had met.

And it was the same foolishness, when she had invited him to stay in her home. The same recklessness when she had followed him to Kyoto.

How he loved her. Despite everything he knew about himself, everything he believed about himself, despite the nightmares and the guilt and the pain that never left him -- he loved her. Even though he knew he brought her nothing but suffering.

Even though he knew that he would never change.

Ayumi was right. It made no sense, this love. Pain, hatred, guilt, sorrow. . .those had meaning. He felt them for a reason. Every night, he was reminded why. Every memory fed the feeling -- made it concrete, like a living, vivid wound. And the truth of life for him, the extent of feeling, was dipping his fingers into that wound and feeling its rawness. Beyond that, nothing else connected. Nothing else could be felt.

Except for this love, which defied meaning. And sense.

"No," he admitted softly.

"But you love her all the same. There's no denying that."

He drew in a deep, painful breath, and looked Ayumi straight in the eye. There he saw no resentment. Only clear honestly, and that same warmth.

"I swear I don't know why," he muttered. "It would be better, for her and for me, if there was nothing. It would be for the best."

Ayumi smiled.

"I think," she said gently, "Kaoru should have a say too in deciding that, don't you think?"

He was silent for a moment, his eyes moving over the brave smile on her face.

"You are far too generous with me, Ayumi," he murmured.

She reached out and touched his cheek.

"That's alright. You're very dear to me. . .after all."

He looked into her eyes. He wondered if he could say the words that sat heavily in his heart.

_I'm sorry, Ayumi._

_For everything that I can't give you. . .I'm sorry._

A sudden movement at the corner of his eye caught his attention. Ayumi looked up at him questioningly. His gaze was fixed on a spot behind her.

She turned her head slightly and froze as her eyes fell upon the lone figure standing in the portal of the gate.

The man stared back at them impassively. His shabby monk's robes hung thinly over solid arms and shoulders. A cloth bundle was slung lightly over his back. His dark, piercing eyes were focused solely on Ayumi's face.

Suddenly he bowed low. Ayumi's brow furrowed. Small, cold fingers of fear began to grip her heart.

"Please excuse my intrusion," he murmured -- the words softly spoken and cultured, the tone deep. "I must speak with Katsura Ayumi-sama immediately. It is a matter of grave importance."

He straightened up to his full height. His eyes met hers dead-on.

Ayumi's hand fell away from Kenshin's cheek. She turned and faced the man directly.

"I am she," she responded, her voice carefully flat.

The monk regarded her in silence for a moment. Then his hand slid into the fold of his sleeve.

"Please be so kind as to read this," he told her quietly.

She stared at the long, thin piece of paper he held out. He remained at the gate.

Resolutely, Ayumi began walking towards him.

"Wait."

She stopped and looked at Kenshin. He walked past her and took the letter from the monk's hand.

Kenshin stared at the flowing black script on the paper. He knew that scrawl. It was Katsura's style.

He handed the letter to Ayumi without a word.

Her hands shook as she took it from him. She took one look at it, and hastily averted her eyes, staring up at the monk's face.

"I-I'm sorry, forgive me for being so discourteous. Won't you come in? I'll prepare some tea. . ."

"I'm sorry, but I must be on my way. Please read the letter with all possible haste." His tone softened at the desperation glinting in her eyes. "It is quite urgent."

"I'll. . ." Her words trailed off, as if the power of speech had failed her.

"Thank you for taking such trouble to come here," Kenshin took over smoothly, bowing to the monk. "We are all in your debt."

"Not at all," the monk murmured. His eyes lingered on Ayumi's pale face. "Stay well, Katsura-sama."

Ayumi bowed her head. She stared at the ground until tears started to blur everything.

Kenshin watched the tears falling onto the earth.

"Ayumi," he said gently.

She did not look at him. She stared down at the letter in her hands. With trembling fingers, she unfolded it.

The afternoon sunlight lit the page and made it glow. The paper was crisp and white.

She stared at the familiar curves and twists of her uncle's handwriting. He had written her name with such care.

_Ayumi_,

_ Do you remember the last time we said goodbye?_

She shut her eyes painfully, and thrust the paper at Kenshin.

"Please. . ." she whispered, fighting to keep her voice calm. "Could you please. . .read it to me?"

Kenshin gently took the letter from her shaking fingers. He looked down at the page.

_"Ayumi," _he read quietly, _"do you remember the last time we said goodbye?. . ."_

Ayumi turned her face away from him. She closed her eyes, and in her mind she saw her uncle, as he had been in the old days.

She could hear his voice in her heart. . .

_". . .You were so determined to go to Tokyo. Your eyes were so full of conviction. But I could also tell. . .you were trying your best to be brave._

_I treasure that memory of you. I would have liked to see you again, but tonight, the memories must suffice._

_No matter. They are all wonderful._

_For my sake, strive to live always with a firm conviction in your heart, and a brave face to show the world._

_And remember that happiness always begins within yourself."_

Kenshin stopped speaking.

The silence lanced through her heart. The letter had ended.

"I will never. . .see him again," she whispered brokenly.

The sadness in her voice clutched at Kenshin's heart.

There were no more words to be said. He reached out and pulled her into his embrace.

* * *

_Earlier that afternoon. . ._

Sanosuke stopped outside Kaoru's room and called out in a low tone:

"It's me."

Footsteps shuffled lightly on the tatami, then the shoji slid open. A weary-looking Kenshin stood before him.

"Sano."

He eyed Kenshin's face with annoyance.

"Go get something to eat, will you? You look like you're going to pass out."

"No, I'll --," Kenshin mumbled.

"Get going," he cut in impatiently. "It's my turn to sit with her now."

After a moment's hesitation, Kenshin stepped out of the room. Sanosuke watched him head down the dark hallway towards the front door.

"What a stubborn idiot. The kitchen's not that way!" he called out. Shaking his head, he entered the room and slid the door shut behind him.

He stuck his foot under a cushion and moved it next to the wall. He settled himself comfortably onto it, leaning his head back against the wood paneling.

His eyes fell upon Kaoru.

She lay there, like a cold, sleeping statue. Her pallid face was expressionless. Her chest barely rose with each breath.

"You still alive, Jo-chan?" he muttered. "Hurry and wake up already. Poor Kenshin's worried sick over you."

Silence. Sanosuke shook his head. He reached into his pocket and took out a small rag pouch. He spilled its contents onto the floor.

His fingers played idly with the dice. He kept on talking to her.

"If you weren't such a _baka_, attacking that maniac like that! No strategy, no planning whatsoever! What the hell were you thinking? Look at the mess you've gotten yourself into!" He paused, gripping the dice in his fist. "You'd better wake up, that's for sure. Think about the dojo and your students! You've finally gotten the school up and running! And what about Yahiko? Who's going to take care of that brat if you keep sleeping here all day? And Kenshin. . ."

He fell silent.

_What about Kenshin?_

"Kenshin. . .well you know how that _baka_ is. Always blaming himself for everything. I'm telling you, if you don't open those sweet eyes of yours, Jo-chan, Kenshin's going to be in worse shape than ever. Who knows, he might leave again or something. You'd better wake up soon. You know you're the only one who can knock some sense into him."

From the other side of the shoji to his right, he could hear voices. Voices, and the sound of cloth slapping water. He heard a laugh, and something in his chest tightened.

_Ayumi._

And a man's deeper tones, answering her.

_Kenshin._

_She must be doing laundry at the other end of the porch, _he thought, glancing at the shoji. It opened onto the outer porch. The rice paper glowed softly, bathing the room with warm afternoon light.

The voices died away.

Sanosuke stared at the dice in his hand.

_What a mess life is. Maybe it's better that Jo-chan stay asleep for a while more. Who knows what she'll have to deal with when she wakes up?_

He had always believed that Kenshin loved Kaoru. He had always thought they'd eventually end up together, growing fat and old together into a happy old couple.

_Of course he loves her, _he told himself._ How many times have we talked about how he's going to ask her out? And he went to the dojo and challenged that bastard Ryou, after all._

_He did it to save her. I'm positive._

Then a face moved fleetingly across his mind, haunting him with its mournful beauty.

He let out a heavy sigh.

_But what about her?_

Her. Why did Kenshin return with her? Who was she to him?

And Kaoru. . .

"What does she mean to you?" Sanosuke muttered, his eyes darkening as he glanced at Kaoru's motionless form.

* * *

_. . .What does she mean to you?. . ._

The words filtered slowly into her consciousness. She tried to tilt her head, seeking the deep, familiar voice. She knew that voice, that deep tone that penetrated the silent darkness which cloaked everything.

_But. . ._

_It's. . .it's not so dark anymore. . ._

She could feel warmth. And the pitch black which had surrounded her now seemed to be lightening into a gray. . .

There was light. She could feel it. She could feel the black lifting, slowly uncovering a soft brightness.

She listened for the voice again.

_Kenshin?_ she thought anxiously. _Kenshin, is that you?_

She tried to move -- to lift her lids, or turn her head, but her body felt like lead. Frustrated, she let herself sink back into the quiet, consoling warmth.

_At least it's not so dark anymore. . ._

_Kenshin, where are you?_

From somewhere in her consciousness, the words echoed again:

_. . .What does she mean to you?. . ._

Her mind traced the words, weighing the voice.

_That's. . .that's not Kenshin's voice._

_Sano? _she wondered. _Is it Sano?_

"Sano. . ." the name passed lightly through her lips, almost like a breath.

Sanosuke's head snapped up. He stared at Kaoru's blanketed body.

_Did I just hear her call me? _he asked himself incredulously.

_No way. I must be hearing things._

He got off his cushion and slid to her side. His eyes moved over her face.

Nothing.

_I knew it._

He started to turn away, then froze when he heard the unmistakable sound of her voice.

"Sano. . ."

His head whipped around and he found himself staring into half-open blue eyes.

His jaw dropped.

"Jo-chan!" he gasped.

Her lids started to flutter, but she tightened her eyes and managed to look up at him.

"Sano. . ._yokatta_," she whispered._I'm so glad to see you._

Sano gripped the edge of the blanket.

"You're awake," he breathed. "You're awake."

Somehow she managed a weak smile. He watched her lips continue to move. He couldn't hear what she was saying. He leaned closer.

"Ken. . .shin. . ." she murmured.

Sanosuke snapped out of his shock.

"Kenshin! Right! Of course! I'll -- I'll get Kenshin right away!"

He sprang to his feet and headed for the door, then stopped suddenly.

_What the hell am I doing? Isn't he right outside?_

He strode back across the room, grasping the frame of the shoji that led to the outer porch.

"He's right outside, Jo-chan," he assured Kaoru, looking down at her. Her futon lay parallel to the porch. "I'll call him over right now. If you turn your head to the side a little, you should be to see -- "

He slid the door open.

Kaoru squinted her eyes against the sudden, piercing light. She blinked her eyes and forced them open.

_Kenshin. . ._

_I want to see you._

The brightness melted away the gray fog that hung over her senses. She could see clearly into the courtyard.

She heard Sanosuke breathe in sharply.

She blinked again.

It was then that she saw them.

The man stood tall, his dark gi flapping lightly in the breeze. The woman was enfolded completely within his embrace, her face pressed against his chest. An aura of strength and protectiveness radiated from him as he held her.

The afternoon sun glowed warmly upon them.

Words came hurtling back into her consciousness with sudden, sharp clarity:

_. . .What does she mean to you?. . ._

"_What. . ._" she whispered painfully, watching the edges of the man's hair lift in the breeze. The locks flamed in the sun.

Suddenly the light was cut off. Sanosuke slid the door shut forcefully. He stared at the translucent paper for a moment, then he glanced down at her.

She was staring blankly at the closed shoji, her eyes focused not on it but on something beyond. As if she could still see outside.

"Jo-chan."

Her eyes did not move. She could no longer hear him.

The words were echoing in her mind. . .

_. . .What does she mean to you?. . ._

Suddenly her lids seemed very heavy. She closed them gratefully, letting herself sink back into the dimming light.

Slowly, the question began to fade into silence.

But she found no peace.

The answer had been burned irrevocably into her mind.


	14. Grief

**Into the Clear  
**by mikan**  
**

**Chapter Fourteen: Grief**

_". . .he doesn't want any other woman by his side but you. All he wants is you. All he needs is to know that you love him."_

The words echoed in her mind.

Kaoru lay motionless on her futon. She kept her eyes closed, her connection with her surroundings limited to a distant awareness. She could feel her body laying upon the sheets, each limb resting heavily upon the feather mattress. She could feel the coolness of the room blowing lightly past her fingers.

But within her body, she felt as if she could move -- turn, twist, and breathe, all free of the bulky limbs and cumbersome weight of her flesh. Her body was only a distant sensation, far removed from the immediate feeling that throbbed through her being. She turned her consciousness inward and felt it -- the feeling keen and piercing as ever.

_All I am now is this._

At that moment, the pain had become more real to her than anything. She held it close to herself -- her whole being curled around a bright, pulsating shard of agony.

The words echoed again.

_". . .all he wants is you. . ."_

The shard throbbed and pierced her chest.

"Liar!" she screamed.

Suddenly, the reality of her body returned to her. She felt her chest heaving, her mouth agape, dragging in breaths with short, labored gasps. Her eyes flew open. She found herself staring at the paper fibers on the wall.

"Jo-chan."

The words were spoken very quietly, very softly, in a slightly gruff voice. She turned her head and found Sanosuke sitting at her side, his brown eyes dark with concern. She stared into his eyes.

His face started to blur. She felt a rush of tears fill her eyes.

"She lied to me!" she screamed at him, her fingers grasping at the sheet that covered her.

The words came out as a harsh croak. The sheet barely stirred.

Sanosuke looked on in silence. Kaoru tried to bring her hand to her face. The limb lifted an inch above the sheet, then, against her will, it fell heavily back onto the mattress. She stared at her hand, her lips still parted.

"My hand," she whispered, the words soft and breathless and shocked. "I -- I can't. . .I can't. . ."

She kept repeating the words, mumbling mournfully to herself, until the last creakings of her voice began to die away. Sanosuke watched as her lips continued to move silently. _I can't. . .I can't_. . .In the silence passing through those lips, he could hear the frightened desperation that was beginning to seize her. Her lips began to tremble.

She tried to twist her body to the side. Almost immediately, he heard a pained gasp and watched as she stiffened from head to toe. His eyes shot to her face. Her eyes were shut tight, her skin paling into a pasty white from the pain.

He slid an arm under her shoulders and repositioned her onto the futon, solidly on her back. She kept her face turned away from him. He stared at her for a moment, then settled back onto the floor.

"Take it easy," he told her quietly. "Your body can't handle much yet."

She felt a tear slide out of her eye and sink into the fabric of her pillow.

She had just wanted to turn away from him, to move onto her side and turn her back to him so he couldn't see the tears that were about to go streaking down her face. The sudden, slicing pain that had ripped across her abdomen was something she had never thought to expect.

_God_, she thought, _how pathetic am I? _Her lips felt like scales, her throat ached, and her arm lay limply on the mattress like a dead weight. The pain still throbbed at her side. She could feel the hot, pulsating welt cutting into her body.

_Where did that come from? _she wondered, her eyes suddenly squinting painfully as she drew in a breath. Her awareness of the wound now magnified each breath into an agony. Forced to keep her breathing shallow, she kept her lips parted, dragging in the air slowly through them. Each breath lanced her insides, sending shards of white-hot pain shooting off inside her body.

She prayed she would pass out again soon.

_I don't want any of this. If this is what it means to be awake. . .to be alive. . .then. . .__I don't want it anymore. I can't take this anymore._

Kenshin's profile suddenly cut into her consciousness. As if feeding itself from her memory, the image, at first a shadow, gradually began to deepen and fill in, until she found herself staring back at him in her mind.

She felt an enormous ache in her chest. The image staring back at her was so real, so true, that she felt as if his face were only a breath away from hers. The eyes of her mind moved across his smiling face.

She loved him so much. Every shadow, every line of his face was engraved upon her heart.

Suddenly she had forgotten the pain.

The dark, merciful fog did not return to blanket everything as it had earlier. Her heart twisted painfully. Why did it always happen this way? Whenever she was ready to give up, ready to quit and turn her back and forget everything, the mere memory of him was always enough to keep her holding on.

_But I'm so tired_, she thought, shutting her eyes so the tears wouldn't spill out. _I've been trying so hard for such a long time._

_I can't take this anymore. Not anymore._

But even as she thought the words, she knew they were a lie. Because deep down in her bones, she knew she could take more. She knew she could endure more. She knew she would never give up.

All because of him. All because the mere thought of him was enough to. . .

_Enough to make me forget the pain, _she answered herself truthfully. In her mind, she reached out and touched his face. His beautiful lavender eyes gleamed as he smiled at her.

_'I love you so much, you know,' _she told him in her heart. _'So much that even though it hurt to see you with her, I'm still happy. I'm happy to see that you're alright.'_

He merely smiled at her, the same soft smile that gently hid the sadness that always shadowed his eyes.

In her mind she reached out and put her arms around his neck, pulling her to him.

_'It's alright,' _she whispered to him. _'Even if that's all you can ever show me, it's alright. I'm. . .I'm happy just to be with you.'_

She opened her eyes. She found Sanosuke staring at her face.

She found the strength to curve her lips into a weak smile.

"Sano. . ." Her voice was reduced to a low, raspy breath.

She watched him look at her in silence for a moment, then withdraw something from his pocket. To her surprise, she felt a soft square of cloth being dabbed lightly against her cheek.

Sanosuke finished wiping the tears away from her cheeks. He stuck the handkerchief back into his pocket.

"Don't worry, it was clean," he muttered. "I can't stand seeing a girl with spongy cheeks. It's not cute at all."

Her smile widened a bit, and her eyes crinkled slightly.

Sanosuke flipped a stray lock of hair off her forehead.

"I want you to rest," he told her, his tone turning stern. "And I want you to promise me that you won't think anymore about what you saw today." He paused, looking down at her seriously. "If there's one thing I'd bet my life on, Jo-chan, it's that Kenshin cares about you. A lot. I don't know what we just saw out there, but I'm sure there's a reason for it. I'm sure once we hear the whole story. . .everything'll be alright."

She looked into his eyes, her smile tremulous. She wanted to be able to nod and smile some more and say, _Okay, Sano, I promise you. Okay, I'll believe what you just said. I'll believe that Kenshin cares about me and that everything will be alright._

_But. . ._

She felt her smile disappearing, as the thought continued on in her head:

_But I know that what each of us believes doesn't always turn out to be true._

Sanosuke believed that Kenshin cared for her. Katsura Ayumi had told her the same thing. And as for herself --

_As for me, I've always been. . .afraid to believe anything. I've always been afraid to even think that he might be -- that he might be able to -- think of me in the same way._

_I've never known how he felt about me. If he felt anything at all._

She felt the smile returning slowly to her lips.

_But. . .it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever he feels, whatever he's thinking, why he left. . .only he knows for sure. And he might never tell me. But it's alright._

_Because I can't lie to myself anymore. Beyond any pain, any indifference, anything and everything that he hides from me -- beyond all that, I love him._

_It might be painful -- it might be hard -- but I know this is the truth. This is the truth of what I feel for him._

_And knowing that is enough for me._

She felt strength seeping into her smile. She looked up at Sanosuke.

"Alright," she whispered. "I. . .promise."

* * *

When the glow paled from the walls and twilight dimmed the hallways of the house, two figures stood up slowly from a wooden bench under the shade of the large tree in the courtyard. They started walking back towards the main house, their faces couched in darkness, silence lingering between them. They stepped onto the porch and headed for the half-open shoji, their feet padding softly against the wooden floor.

The sound of silk brushing against rough cotton melded with the night air. Leaves rustled in the distance. She stepped past him into the dark hallway. He followed her, sliding the door shut, blocking off the bluish tint of moonlight.

He bent down, reaching for the unlit lamp in the corner. He looked up and saw her already walking down the pitch-black hallway.

"Ayumi, wait."

She kept walking. He dropped the lamp and reached her in two strides. Without a word, he grabbed her wrist and began walking ahead of her, leading her down the dark hallway to her room in the back of the house.

She remained silent the whole time. Finally they reached her room.

He slid the door open. His fingers fell away from her wrist as she stepped into her room.

"You wait here," he told her, turning to head back down the hall to the kitchen. "I'll bring you something to eat."

"No, it's. . .it's alright," she murmured, her fingers finding the frame of the door.

He paused, his eyes searching her face in the darkness.

"I'll stay with you then," he said.

She shook her head.

"No," she told him, in a voice that melted into the warm, dark air in the hallway. "I'll be alright. Thank you. . .for today."

He watched as she gently drew the door shut between them.

He didn't move. He stood there for a while, his face close to the paper of the door. He knew that beyond that door, she hadn't moved either.

Finally he spoke.

"I'll be here," he told her quietly.

There was a long silence. Then from behind the paper, he heard her answer softly:

"I know."

* * *

That night, she had a dream.

_"Princess."_

_She lifted her head slowly and let her eyes rest upon the man who knelt on the cushion halfway across the room. He bowed, keeping his eyes downcast. She studied him silently, noting the immaculate crispness of his attire and the polished sheath of the sword on the floor at his side. The crests on his gi caught her eye -- two white, identical circles contrasting sharply against black silk. The emblem within appeared to be that of her family. She looked at him again. His hands were curled formally into fists resting on his thighs. Before him sat a flat ebony box._

_She turned her head slightly, her eyes still fixed upon the man._

_"Matsuhara-san," she murmured, "what crest does that person wear, I wonder?"_

_The woman who sat stiffly some distance away to her right inclined her head politely, then turned her attention to the man._

_"The princess wishes to know what emblem you wear," she informed him, speaking each word with sharp deliberateness._

_The man kept his eyes fixed on the floor._

_"It is the crest of the princess's own honorable family, my lady. The Katsura crest."_

_The woman bowed slightly to her, before saying:_

_"It is your family's crest, princess."_

_"How remarkable," she said softly. Her fingers caressed the strings of the shamisen that lay before her. She plucked out a note. It echoed in the heavy silence. She spoke to the woman at her side without looking up from the instrument:_

_"So that person must be a member of my family, then."_

_Again the woman bowed. Again the authoritative voice:_

_"The princess wishes to know if you are a member of her family."_

_A pause. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the man bow low once more._

_"I am but an insignificant retainer of the Katsura clan."_

_Before the woman could repeat to her what he had said, she interrupted:_

_"What is your name?"_

_"Princess!"_

_She turned her head coolly and met her lady-in-waiting's dagger gaze. Matsuhara Keiko was the wife of a distinguished court official, a paragon of courtly behavior. Her small black eyes were always narrowed into slits, her lips perpetually forced into a thin line._

_The line cracked open a fraction. _

_"Please direct your inquiries to me," the woman instructed coldly. "You are not to speak to him directly."_

_"I do not see why I should not."_

_"It is beneath you to do so!"_

_"He is. . ._of my family_," she said slowly, emphasizing the words. Her brow arched. "Something which cannot be said of you."_

_The woman's eyes widened in outrage._

_"This is shameful behavior, Princess." Her grip on her fan tightened. "This is unacceptable at court."_

_"We are not at court at the moment, Matsuhara-san. We are in my quarters, and I am receiving a member of my family." She turned her attention back to the shamisen and let her fingers pass idly over the strings. A beautiful chord filled the pause. "If you would be so kind as to leave us."_

_"It is not permissible for you to be alone with a man!"_

_She raised her eyes and stared at the older woman questioningly._

_"I believe I dismissed you," she murmured._

_She could see the woman's fan trembling with suppressed rage. Matsuhara Keiko sat there stiffly for a moment more, then bowed and stood. She slid open a shoji and disappeared into the next room._

_The silence lingered after the shoji clacked shut. Then she heard a chuckle. __Startled, she looked at the man._

_He was smiling at her._

_"You'll probably be in trouble for that later," he remarked._

_She stared at the easy smile on his lips._

_"I beg your pardon?" she managed to say, her eyes widening as she watched him ease his legs out of the formal sitting position._

_"My legs are completely asleep," he muttered, stretching them out fully for a second. He sighed deeply, then resettled himself onto the cushion, sitting cross-legged._

_She was at a loss for words._

_He eyed her bent legs._

_"I bet yours are asleep too," he grinned. "Why don't you have a good stretch and sit like this? You'll find it surprisingly -- liberating."_

_He was waiting for an answer. She widened her eyes incredulously._

_"Such a thing. . .is not done," she replied, her voice a bit unsettled and suspicious._

_He arched a brow._

_"Sitting here alone with me also isn't 'done', you know" he said. "In fact, it probably is the height of impropriety." His lips twisted into a wry smile. "You're being highly improper anyway. Might as well be comfortable."_

_Her mouth dropped open at that. She stared at him, then recovered her presence of mind and clamped her mouth shut. Then, true enough, she soon became aware of the prickling sensation that was beginning to spread up her numbed legs._

_He was right. Now that she thought about it, she really _did_ want to stretch out her legs. Very badly._

_He was watching her, an amused expression on his face._

_She gave up. She eased her legs out and stretched them to the side, carefully keeping her toes under the hem of her voluminous outer kimono. For a brief moment, she savored the welcome feeling of blood rushing back into her deadened limbs. Then she quickly folded her legs as he had done, rearranging her robes meticulously afterwards. _

_"I honestly can't imagine how I can be possibly related to you," she muttered, her fingers artfully arranging the silk into elegant folds around her._ _"You're the strangest messenger my father has ever sent."_

_"And you're most certainly the strangest princess at court I've ever had the honor to visit," he replied. "If I didn't know you any better, I probably would have been scandalized by your outrageous behavior, too. But then again, you always were an outrageous one. . .ne, Ayumi-chan? Always sending your poor mother into hysterics --" he waved a hand dismissively in the air as he recollected -- "what with you setting her garden on fire and all that."_

_For the second time that evening, her mouth dropped open. But before she could blurt out the "Who are you?" that was on the tip of her tongue, dying to be asked, she fired back a retort, infuriated by the knowing, teasing grin on his face._

_"How dare you accuse me of that! I didn't do that! Uncle Katsura did! Who _are_ you, anyway? You don't even really kno--"_

_"Ah, but isn't it true," he interrupted her smoothly, holding up a finger to silence her momentarily, "that it was _your_ idea to have yakitori -- right there, right then? On your mother's precious cultivated grass, I might add."_

_She paled slightly, staring at him, thinking, _it can't be!

_"And who threw a tantrum when we couldn't cook the damn thing right?" he continued casually. "Who kicked that burning coal onto the grass?" He gazed directly into her eyes. "Not me."_

_"Uncle. . .Katsura," she breathed disbelievingly._

_"Your mother was furious." He frowned slightly at her. "And you, princess, used me as a scapegoat. But. . .I suffered gladly." He tilted his head and smiled at her. "You were my favorite even then."_

_She remained perfectly still for a moment, her eyes intense upon his. Then, before he knew what was happening, she had bolted from her seat and came flying across the room in a whirl of silk, smacking into him and sending him onto his back. They landed onto the floor with a loud thud._

_He groaned slightly. Her arms were wrapped tight about him._

_Suddenly, the floor shook with the pounding of footsteps. The shoji at his head was thrown open._

_"Katsura-san!"_

_"Princess!"_

_The chorus of alarmed male voices filled the room, then fell into a stunned silence._

_She felt their eyes on her. Quickly, she rose to her feet and met their stares._

_As if on cue, all the guards dropped to one knee, bowing their heads._

_"Please forgive our insolence, princess," their captain called out, keeping his eyes downcast. "We heard the noise, and we thought you were in danger."_

_Silence stretched in the room._

_She was not paying attention to him. Her gaze was riveted to the young man a few feet to her left._

_He had been the first to enter the room, and he had stood apart from the men who had rushed in behind him. And unlike them, he remained standing -- an unforgivable breach of etiquette, especially since he was about two inches taller than she. But what struck her was the way in which he returned her gaze directly. His eyes glowed with a strange pale fierceness. They were fixed intently on her face._

_He was not a member of the Imperial Guard. His clothes were plain and somewhat shabby. The two swords crossed at his waist were unadorned._

_Nevertheless she had the feeling they were very sharp._

_"Katsura-san?" he asked, in a voice that was surprisingly soft._

_The captain of the guards looked up in amazement and stiffened in outrage. His hand, which had been flat upon the floor, flew to the hilt of his sword._

_"How dare you show disrespect to the princess!" he shouted._

_"Do not draw your sword!" she ordered him forcefully, her voice rising with a measure of panic. She stared at the silent man again. His face was impassive as he stared down at the infuriated samurai. Then his eyes flickered back to hers, and she felt her heart skip._

_Then, in a motion so fluid that drew her gaze completely to him, he went down on one knee and bowed his head._

_"Forgive me," he murmured._

_In the silence, she could feel her heart racing. She turned to the captain._

_"Everything is alright. I--I was just a bit surprised to see my uncle, that's all. I haven't seen him in many years. I apologize for alarming you. If you would be so kind as to excuse us now. . ."_

_"Forgive us for intruding," the captain responded, bowing once more, then rising and leaving the room quickly. His men followed suit._

_The young man at her left remained on one knee, his head bowed._

_It was then that she noticed his hair. It was a peculiar shade of brown. No, not brown at all. . .it was really a kind of. . .red. A very strange color indeed, for hair._

_Suddenly her uncle spoke._

_"It's alright, Kenshin. We'll be leaving in a short while. Will you wait outside for me?"_

_"Hai."_ _One word, spoken with the same grave softness that seemed so incongruous for one so young. And he _was_ young. She was sure of it. His face had a delicate smoothness that_ _belied the sword calluses on his hands. She watched him leave the room. The shoji shut soundlessly behind him._

_"Who is he, uncle?" she asked, her eyes still on the door._

_Katsura looked up at her._

_"Oh, he's one of my newer men. I'm taking him around to help him get used to my routine."_

_"I see. A new recruit," she murmured._

_"Yes. Actually, I just met him last week, when I was out in Choshu. He's a very talented boy."_

_Her gaze flew to his face._

_"Choshu," she echoed. Suddenly, a smile lit her face, and she hurried to his side. She sat beside him and hugged her knees eagerly to her chest. "That's right, Uncle, you've been home, haven't you! So Father sent you here? I can't believe I wasn't able to recognize you! It's been so long!"_

_The corners of his mouth turned downwards a little._

_"I haven't aged that much, have I?"_

_She grinned. "Still as vain as ever, I see!"_

_"I beg your pardon!"_

_She eyed the ebony box that sat gleaming a few feet away on the floor. "What's in the box?"_

_"Aren't you going to ask about your parents first?"_

_She reached for the box and slid it in front of her._

_"I know how they are," she said, rolling her eyes slightly. "Father is preoccupied with council meetings and emissary meetings and all the other meetings that take up his time. And Mother. . .well, Mother is, as usual, worrying about me. Worrying about whether I'm going to do something horribly unspeakable here at Court that might make our dear imperial prince withdraw his offer of marriage."_

_"You sound affectionate," he remarked._

_"I _am_ fond of them!" she retorted. She stared down at the elaborate inlay on the wooden lid, her fingers tracing the intricate carvings. "But. . .you know, Uncle, being here isn't that much different from being at home. Being at home, that is, after you left."_

_"When I left you were still a baby. I didn't think my leaving changed things that much."_

_"When you left I was five. And I remembered you." She looked at him. "That was why everything was different after you left. Because I remembered you."_

_He was silent. Then he smiled, but it was a smile that was less bright, less light than before._

_"Open the box," he told her quietly._

_She looked down at the box. Her fingers sprang the brass lock open. Slowly, she lifted the lid._

_Within the box sat a folded length of lustrous yellow silk. She lifted its edge and felt the thickness of the material. She glanced up at her uncle._

_"It's a blanket," he said. "The Imperial Palace might be grand, but I've heard. . ." his voice dropped to a mischievous whisper, ". . .that it's also quite drafty."_

_She laughed, pulling the blanket out of the box and clasping it to her chest._

_"Thank you, Uncle. It's beautiful beyond words and it feels marvelous! And the embroidery. . ." she looked down at the scene stitched with exquisite detail onto the silk. There were mountains, the graceful arch of an old tree, and a house that. . .she stared at it disbelievingly._

_The house was her house! And the tree was that tree outside her bedroom! And. . ._

_"Did you find yourself yet?" she heard him ask her softly._

_She didn't answer. She was staring at a tiny, tiny figure of a child standing near the foot of the tree. Next to the child stood a man. The child's hand and the man's hand melded into the same little bump of silk thread._

_She looked up at him, feeling the tears brimming in her eyes._

_"I. . .I don't know what to say," she told him honestly._

_"You don't need to say anything," he told her, smiling that same sad smile again. "You already said thank you." He paused, his eyes moving across her face. He sighed heavily. "When will I see you again, I wonder?"_

_"Can't you stay a little bit longer?" she asked hopefully._

_He reached for his sword._

_"I would like to, but it's getting dark. And these days, it isn't wise to be out in the streets after nightfall."_

_"What do you mean, Uncle?" she asked, bewildered. She found Kyoto to be a very charming place. Suddenly, she realized something._

_"Oh! If you are staying in Kyoto, then you don't have to wonder about when you can see me again. You can always come visit me, you know. Anytime. I'll complain to the prince if they dare restrict my visitors."_

_He shook his head at the belligerent tone in her voice, rising and bowing deeply to her. She scrambled to her feet hastily, clutching the blanket in her arms._

_"Well, I've got to go." He slid the sword into his sash. "I know it might be hard, but. . ." he smiled down at her, ". . .it'll be alright. If you need anything, just send for me and I'll come right away." He patted the blanket in her arms. "So stay warm, and try to remember, even if it's only sometimes. . ." he looked at the scene on the blanket for a moment, falling silent. Then he met her gaze and smiled again._

_"Try to remember. . .everything." He said the last word with a curious catch in his voice. His smile was suddenly very sad._

Ayumi's eyes flew open. She stared at the ceiling. It was beginning to glow with the faint light of dawn. She touched her fingers to her cheek, and felt the telltale sheen of moistness on them.

She had been crying in her sleep.

She turned her head to the side, her cheek chafing against the harsh weave of the tatami. She had cried herself to sleep on the floor. Her futon still lay rolled up in the corner.

She pushed herself into a sitting position, looking at the room around her. It was desolate in the gray half-light, almost empty, the wooden panelings slashing darkly across it. In the strange blankness around her, she could suddenly see her uncle's smile -- the smile he had left her with in the dream.

_But that wasn't a dream_, she thought. _That was all real. That happened._

_It's as if I wasn't dreaming at all, only. . ._

Only remembering. She remembered that time. That had been her second year of residence at the Court, in anticipation of her marriage to the prince, which was to take place the following year. After her uncle's visit, she had eagerly begun planning the many things she hoped they could do together while he was in Kyoto. She had also thought a bit about the mysterious young man who had charged into her quarters that afternoon.

That had been the first time she had ever laid eyes on Kenshin. It had been so brief, and they had both been so young. She doubted he remembered it at all.

She had planned on getting to know him better, on dragging him along on a shrine visit or a cherry-blossom-viewing expedition with her uncle. But scarcely half a year after her uncle's visit, she received a missive from him ordering her to return home to Choshu at once.

Her world deformed into a nightmare after that. The city she had loved on sight was changing day by day into something more sinister. Rumors were rife. The eyes that had always followed her every move turned more suspicious. The cold veneer of the Court suddenly became menacing.

It was not long after she had left Kyoto that the unbelievable news reached her at home in Choshu. Her uncle was leading a rebellion against the Shogun, and his family was to be held responsible for his treachery. The mandate for their execution was signed by the Emperor himself.

The memories washed over her in waves. The pain became overwhelming. She crumpled onto the floor, curling up into a ball, weeping silently.

They had never been able to return to Choshu after that. Her uncle had fallen ill and they had remained instead in Otsu. The years passed and they kept their quiet life. Beyond Otsu, there was nothing. The world thought them both dead.

Now there was no longer an Otsu for her to return to.

_What do I do now, Uncle? _she desperately wanted to ask him. _Where do I go?_

_I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone._

"I'm all alone," she whispered into the darkness, her arms wrapping around her middle, cradling emptiness.

Words came suddenly to her mind.

_"I'll be here."_

Kenshin!

At that moment, she had an overpowering urge to rush out of the room and run straight into his arms. She pushed herself up from the floor again, her whole body shaking. She stared at the door.

He was probably not even outside. He was probably with Kaoru. And what he had told her, those words -- they were probably just meant to make her feel better.

_I can't go to him,_ she told herself. _She needs him right now. And he needs to be with her._

She stared down at the floor, feeling the tears streaking down her face. She covered her face with her hands, steeped in acute misery. Her heart pounded in her ears.

_But I need him. I need to be with him too. Just this one moment. Just for a little while, I want him with me._

_Forgive me my selfishness, Kaoru-san. . ._

_I just can't. . .I can't be strong right now._

She got unsteadily to her feet, then made her way to the shoji. Its wooden frame was cold under her heated fingers. She slid the door open slowly.

Her eyes fell upon the empty spot before her.

"Kenshin," she whispered, staring at the uninterrupted dark expanse of wall that stood before her. The house was completely silent. To her right and her left, the same grayness hung in the hallway, choking off the weak dawn light. She stumbled backwards into the room, her eyes shifting wildly, trying to pierce through the forbidding gray.

It was the same darkness, everywhere she looked. The same emptiness.

Suddenly nothing made sense. _What is this place? _she thought, panic firing her thoughts. _Why am I here? I don't belong here._

_I don't belong here._

"You okay?"

Her eyes shot to the hallway. She heard the rustle of clothing against wood, then found herself staring into shadowed brown eyes.

Sanosuke studied her face carefully. She looked like hell. Her hair, always elegantly in place, now hung about her face in twisted locks. Even in the darkness he could see the glistening trails of wetness on her cheeks. Her eyes were strangely pale and glazed.

She stared at him with those eerie eyes. Then she murmured:

"I. . .I need to go out." With a trembling hand, she raked her hair away from her face.. "I just need some. . .some fresh air, I think."

He was silent for a moment, then he shrugged.

"Okay," he agreed nonchalantly. "Let's go, then." He began walking down the hallway. After a few seconds, he heard her begin to follow him. He led her to the kitchen, then out the door. He stopped in the courtyard.

"Is this outdoors enough for you?" he asked her, careful to keep his tone light. "We could sit around here somewhere."

She stopped abruptly, staring up at him. His face was half-turned away from her. His eyes were surveying the shadowed courtyard for a comfortable place to sit. His profile drew her gaze. The harsh early light lit up the lines and planes of his face. It was a strong face -- the jaw solid, the cheeks lean and defined. Then he turned to her, and she suddenly had the ridiculous thought that his eyes held a peculiar warmth.

She realized he was waiting for her answer. She stared at the bench under the tree. Just hours before, Kenshin had sat with her there, holding her as she wept.

_I need to get away from here_, she thought.

"Is there. . .someplace else that we could go?" she asked him, her voice hesitant and very soft.

Sanosuke thought he hadn't heard her right. Was she actually saying that she wanted to go somewhere, with him, at this godforsaken hour? Just the two of them?

"You mean. . ." he murmured.

"I mean anywhere but here," she answered, desperation starting to edge itself into her voice. "I don't want to be here -- right now." She looked into his eyes. "Will you take me somewhere, please? Somewhere other than here."

In a million years he would never have expected to hear those words out of her mouth. He had always thought of her as untouchable, a woman far removed from his grasp. She had always spoken to him with a reserved politeness. And her eyes had always followed Kenshin.

Yet now those eyes were focused directly on him. And the way she was looking at him -- beseeching, imploring, revealing a vulnerability she had never shown before -- made him want to grab her and pull her into a tight embrace.

He forced himself to look away.

_You're not thinking straight, _he scolded himself harshly. _She's not herself tonight. She just lost her uncle. Don't start reading things into it._

But maybe just a little, he could pretend that she really wanted to be with him. That those strange pale eyes were looking right at him.

_Are you really looking at me, Ayumi?_ he wondered._Or is it someone else you're really seeing?_

It didn't matter. He started walking again.

"Come on then," he muttered. He heard her footsteps behind him, and in spite of his efforts to steel his heart, he felt a warmth spreading inside.

_You're an idiot, _he told himself.

But at least for the next few moments of his life, he would be an idiot who would have her at his side.

* * *

_Earlier that evening. . ._

Sanosuke stuck his head out into the hallway. He spotted somebody sitting on the floor a few feet away.

"Oi, Kenshin!" he called out. "Stop moping and get your ass over here. I'm starving. It's your turn to sit with her, you know."

Kenshin picked up his sword and walked over silently to him. He stood before the open doorway of Kaoru's room.

"Sano, do you think you could stay with her, just for tonight?" he asked quietly.

Sanosuke stared at him.

"What the hell are you talking about? Do you understand what's going on here, Kenshin? Jo-chan's almost goddamn half-dead, and you're going to go off somewhere?"

Kenshin gritted his teeth, drawing in a slow, calming breath. His temper was already strained with the events of the day, and Sanosuke's sudden belligerence was not helping at all.

"Will you keep your voice down? It's not like I'm going to go gambling or anything," he snapped, causing Sanosuke's eyes to narrow. "I can't leave Ayumi alone tonight."

At the mention of her name, a sudden fury flamed in Sanosuke's eyes.

"Will you listen to yourself?" Sanosuke fired back, a look of disgust on his face. "Which woman almost died trying to save you? I don't recall it being Ayumi. Why the hell do you care so much about her, anyway? Isn't she alive and well?"

"I'd stop right there if I was you," Kenshin replied, his voice low and dangerous. "You don't know anything."

"Damn right I don't. Nobody here knows why the hell you left, Kenshin. Or why you're here now. Or why she's with you. And if you ask me, I don't really give a damn." His fingers curled into a fist. "But what I _do_ give a damn about is Jo-chan. She's almost dead because of you. So you'd better get your ass in here _now_."

Without waiting for an answer, Sanosuke grasped him by the front of his gi and pulled him into Kaoru's room.

"I better not hear you leave this room," he muttered. "And while you're in here, make sure you tell her how sorry you are for being such a worthless bastard. You might never get another chance."

He stepped out into the hallway. Kenshin stared at the aku kanji on his back.

Sanosuke turned his head a fraction to the side.

"If she dies, I'll never forgive you," he hissed, slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

Kaoru heard the door shut loudly, and consciously tried to keep her whole body still. With the weakness still lingering in her limbs, it wasn't such a difficult task, but she still had to be careful. She fought the overwhelming urge to open her eyes, and focused her mind instead on calming her racing heart.

She had asked Sanosuke not to tell Kenshin that she was awake. She had wanted time -- time to get a little bit stronger, time to prepare herself to accept whatever would happen. She had also wanted this evening with him, wanted the simple feeling of having him near her -- the pure, clear feeling of joy she felt whenever he was near. Lying there, seemingly asleep, she could hold the feeling close to her, unmuddled by words and disguises.

She heard his feet shuffling against the mat, then felt a warm whisper of air as he settled down onto the floor beside her. A sensitivity to his nearness hummed along her entire body.

Rapid footsteps broke the silence. The shoji slid open again.

"Kenshin!" she heard Yahiko exclaim vibrantly.

"Yahiko," came the quiet acknowledgement from beside her.

The rustle of clothing. The sound of limbs thumping flat against the floor. Then silence.

"She's not awake yet, is she?"

A heavy sigh. "No."

"Do you talk to her?"

"Talk?"

"You know. Like Megumi said. Talk to her about anything, because she can hear."

"I don't remember hearing her say that."

"Come on, Kenshin! You mean you haven't been talking to Kaoru all this time? No wonder she's not awake yet! Do you know how sad she was when you left? She stayed in her room all day and she always had huge fights with Ryou."

Her mind suddenly narrowed in on that name. _Ryou_. Sanosuke had told her not to worry about him anymore, saying that Saitou had finished him off "for good". Her recollection of that day stopped abruptly with her charging at Ryou. What had happened after that, she had yet to find out.

But Kenshin was safe. And he hadn't killed Ryou.

The silence in the room caught her attention. Kenshin had not responded at all to what Yahiko had said.

Then Yahiko spoke again, in a much subdued tone.

"You're. . .staying, aren't you?"

She felt her heart stop beating entirely. All her senses focused on the silence that seemed to swell with each second. She almost didn't want to hear his answer. She didn't want to know. Not yet.

But he was speaking already.

"Of course I will," he answered, the hint of a reproof in his voice. "I can't leave Kaoru-dono like this."

"But when she gets better? Will you still stay?"

"You're full of questions tonight, aren't you?"

"I want to know, Kenshin!" Yahiko's voice was petulant, insistent, and very young. "I want to know if everything will be just like it used to."

She heard the barest hint of a sigh. Then:

"Everything will be alright," he said gently. "Now will you do me a favor? Can you go and see if Ayumi-san needs anything?"

"But Sanosuke is watching her already."

Kaoru was just as shocked to hear that as Kenshin was.

"He is?" Kenshin said, the disbelief patent in his voice.

"Well, he's sitting in the hallway outside her room." The pitch of Yahiko's words heightened with irritation. "What's wrong with him, anyway? He's all cranky and nasty, cursing me out just because I almost tripped over him! Who told him to sit there, anyway?"

"He's just hungry," Kenshin answered. "And tired. He's been watching Kaoru-dono all day."

There was a short silence, then she heard a snort of disgust, and the sound of clothes rustling again.

"Well, I guess I should go feed him then. Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm alright. Thank you, Yahiko."

Footsteps. Then a pause.

"I'm really glad you're back, you know."

The door slid shut again.

And they were alone once more. The minutes stretched on, her heartbeat keeping time. As the silence settled into the air, her heartbeat melding quietly into it, she became less aware of herself, of the sheet that covered her, of the breaths that passed through her chest. The focus of her whole being was drawn to him.

She could hear the faint sound of his breathing. He sat motionless at her side. She wished she could open her eyes, turn her head and look at him. She wanted to ease her hand out from under the blanket and reach for him, touch him. The warmth radiating from his body beckoned her. He was sitting very close.

Suddenly, she felt his touch upon her cheek.

The world stopped. Everything else was blocked out, save for the sensation of his fingertip searing her skin as it traced a caress on her cheek. With every ounce of willpower she possessed, she kept her face perfectly still.

His hand fell away from her face, but a flaming curve lingered where he had touched her. Her mind was still in paralysis, her body in shock.

_He touched me._

Then he began speaking to her.

"What would you like to hear?" he asked her softly. The sound of his voice, so near her ear, was enough to cause a lump of tears to build slowly in her throat.

_Don't you dare cry now! _she told herself forcefully. _Don't you dare let him know you're awake. You'll never hear him speak to you like this again._

But how she missed him. The low, gentle tone of his voice caused a strong yearning to surge deep in her heart. Her fingers ached to touch him.

"How about 'I'm sorry'?" he went on. "Sano suggested that one. Or 'hurry and wake up'? I bet you hear that one all the time." He paused, drawing in a pained, heavy breath. "But. . .that's not really what I want to say tonight."

He sighed.

"I think. . .tonight, I want to tell you a story."


	15. Clearing

**Into the Clear**  
by mikan**  
**

**Chapter Fifteen: Clearing**

**Author's Note: Here it is, folks, the last and final chapter of _Into the Clear! _After more than a year, the story finally comes to its end. Thank you to all those who reviewed and kept encouraging me to finish this fic! I really appreciate all the time you took to read and critique the story. I honestly couldn't have finished it without your support. Hope this at least meets the minimum of your expectations!**

Outside, a gentle rain began to fall. Kenshin listened to its whisper for a long while, letting the soothing sound fill the silence.

Then he began.

"There's a place you've never been to, you know -- it's about a day and half's journey from Kyoto. I don't think you've ever been anyplace like it. I've mentioned it to you before, but I wonder if you remember. . . It's called Otsu. It's where Tomoe and I lived."

In the pause Kaoru could feel the weight of the sadness behind his words.

"It's where I went after I left," he said quietly.

_Otsu? _she thought, bewildered. _He went back there?_

"If you remember," he went on, "I told you that I burned the house down. . .after she died. I did -- I torched it and turned my back on it. I returned to Kyoto soon after. I never thought I'd return to Otsu again."

He let out a soft, derisive breath.

"But I guess it had to happen, huh? It's always been with me -- everything that happened there. It's as if I never left. And even now. . ."

Again she felt his touch, light and hesitant, against her cheek.

"Do you know how much like her you look right now? This cold skin, this hair -- she was like this. I could have sworn she was only sleeping. Her face was so peaceful. . .just like yours."

He took his hand away.

"I always thought we would have been so happy there. After she was gone, I always said to myself, _if only we weren't betrayed. . .we could have been so happy. _I thought I had finally found my happiness -- planting radish and being together in that small house. When she died, it felt like everything had died with her. I've told you about what happened, but do you really understand. . .what it feels like to have a wound that never heals? A memory that never goes away? As long as I live, I'll never forget. . ."

The words were painful to listen to, their impact made more acute by the heaviness of the pauses between his words.

_I know you love her_, she wanted to tell him. _I know you always will. She was your wife._

"But you know," he continued, "somehow, being with you. . ."

His words trailed off. Kaoru held still in an agony of anticipation.

_What, Kenshin? _she wanted to cry out. _What? What about being with me?_

". . .it was happiness too," he admitted softly.

At that moment, Kaoru had an almost uncontrollable urge to open her eyes.

_Listen, _she ordered herself. _Just listen to him._

"It was happiness too, and I couldn't understand it. I was afraid I would start to forget. So whenever I was alone, I would make myself remember all over again. . .how she had smiled at me. . .Did I tell you? Right before she died, she smiled at me. I don't know if that was forgiveness, but I know I didn't deserve it. I told myself that for the rest of my life, I'd do anything to earn that smile. I didn't even know how I'd go about it, but I had to try. . .I swore I would atone for everything."

He fell silent. Kaoru heard the faint shush of the rain falling against the trees in the courtyard. The impulse to reach out and touch him was unbearable. Just like the rain sliding off the leaves, she wanted to run her fingertips slowly down his face in a caress.

_You've done so much, Kenshin. You just refuse to see._ _It'll never be enough, will it? Anything you do will never be enough. There's always something more to be done, something more to be suffered. To you, her smile is beyond anything you can ever earn in this life._

_It's the one thing that's most precious to you, isn't it?_

_I understand, _she wanted to tell him. _I understand now_.

"How could I possibly make you happy," he asked her quietly, "being this way? I told myself I didn't belong here. And when Ryou came, you seemed so happy to be with him that I figured it was time for me to go. It was around that time that Katsura sent me a letter. He was living in Otsu and wanted me to visit him. That's where I met Ayumi again."

_Ayumi. _A pang of bitterness stabbed at Kaoru.

_What does she mean to you, Kenshin?_

"You've met her, haven't you? She's been taking care of you, too. Katsura asked me to bring her to Tokyo to help her start her own life. . . He was dying, Kaoru. I couldn't refuse him anything."

He paused again, seemingly weighing his words.

"I really thought you were happy with Ryou," he finally said. "I knew you might be a little upset that I left so suddenly, but I never would have guessed. . ."

He sighed.

"Why did you do it, Kaoru? Why did you run in and charge at him? You had no business being there. It was _my_ fight. He was after _me. _Now look at you." Exasperation strained his voice. "I don't understand you at all. I thought he was the one you wanted. You even said so yourself -- that he was all you had left."

Kaoru felt a cold, prickling dread begin to settle onto her skin.

_. . .he was all you had left. . ._

The words came echoing back at her, in the blank cavern of her mind. She remembered exactly when she had said them -- that night in the street, after the date at the Akabeko. She had said them, weeping into Ryou's gi, clinging onto him after she had rushed down the street, after they had. . .

_After they had. . ._

Kaoru's eyes flew open.

Kenshin's head was bowed. She stared at the long, unkempt locks shadowing his face.

"You saw us," she whispered.

Kenshin's head snapped up. He gaped at her.

"Kaoru. . ."

"You saw us," she repeated, an ache beginning to build in her heart. "You saw everything, didn't you?"

He sat there, staring at her in silence, her voice reaching him like a distant murmur through his shock.

_She's awake_, he told himself._ She's going to be alright._

"You saw everything."

The words sank in. Only then did he realize what she was talking about.

He lowered his eyes.

"I was waiting for you by the side of the road. I just wanted to make sure you would get home safely."

Kaoru continued to look at him, her gaze penetrating.

"Did you care at all?"

He looked at her. Kaoru did not back down.

"Kenshin, I'm asking you," she said, her voice surprisingly firm for one who looked so frail. "Did you care?"

"Did I care. . .?" he echoed.

Kaoru felt the tears spill then, hot and impatient. "About me!" she finished painfully. "About what you saw! Did it bother you at all -- seeing us like that? Did you _care at all?_"

He remained silent.

Kaoru swallowed the lump in her throat. "Of _course_ it didn't," she said to herself, her voice dropping to a harsh, mocking murmur. "What am I even _saying?_ Of course it never mattered. All that matters is your answer, isn't it? That answer you're looking for. You said it yourself. . ."

"Forgive me, Kaoru," he cut in suddenly.

Before she knew what was happening, she found herself swept up from the futon into his arms. He crushed her to him, her cheek pressing into the crook of his neck, his hair brushing her face. His scent, his warmth, his breath all suddenly enfolded her.

Her fingers curled into the material of his gi.

"Kenshin," she whispered.

"Of _course_ I cared," he scolded her gently. "Of _course_ I was furious. But there was nothing I could do. You ran to him."

_Kenshin actually. . .cared, _Kaoru thought to herself in awe.

"I only ran to him because I thought I could never go to you," she confessed. "Do you know how far away you seemed to me, Kenshin? You wouldn't even share your thoughts with me. You wouldn't even speak to me. The moment Ryou-nii-chan came here, you just sort of disappeared."

"I thought you were happy to be with him."

"I was. . .but he wasn't the one I wanted. He wasn't the one I needed. But he seemed like he was the one who was going to stay. So that's why -- that's why those things happened. . .that night."

He was silent. She drew back slightly and looked at him. Her fingertips touched the scar on his cheek.

"You're telling me that you can't promise that you'll always stay, right? That you don't know what you'll have to do to find that forgiveness." She paused, tears beginning to brim in her eyes again. "I won't stop you, Kenshin. I won't stand in the way of whatever it is you feel you still have to do. But all I ask is that you come back. Just come back to me. I'll wait for you. Just please, promise me. . ."

She buried her face in his shoulder.

"Promise me that you'll always come back."

His arms tightened around her.

_I had no idea, _he thought to himself, _that she cared this much._

He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling her warmth suffuse his limbs.

Again the heavens had given him something he utterly did not deserve.

"Kaoru. . ." he said to her gently, "please don't cry. I didn't know it mattered to you this much."

She raised her head, her eyes glinting fiercely.

"Baka," she choked. "You're such a clueless baka, do you know that, Kenshin? Why do you suppose I've stayed single all these years? Who do you think I was waiting for? I turned away lines and lines of suitors for you, you know!"

_Suitors? _"What suitors?"

"Clueless!" Suddenly she smiled, blinking away the tears. "It doesn't matter. None of them had fabulous red hair, anyway. And I'm sure their domestic skills wouldn't have compared to yours."

"Oh. . .so it's all about the hair. And the laundry."

She took a lock of his hair and slid her fingers down its length.

"The hair is great. And the laundry and cooking make it even better. But what it's all about is _you. _My quiet, shy, polite _you_. It's those smiling eyes and these strong arms and the feeling you give me. . .always. . .of being safe." She brushed her fingertips down his jaw. "I don't want anybody else, Kenshin. I never did."

He was silent for a long moment.

"Kaoru. . ."

She waited.

"I don't really know what to say," he went on hesitantly. "But. . ."

"But?"

He looked at her. His eyes were startlingly solemn.

"I think nothing would make me happier than to have you with me. . .always."

A slow, sweet happiness began to unfurl in Kaoru's chest. _Finally._ Finally he was saying the words she had been so afraid she'd never hear.

"Kenshin."

Kenshin couldn't remember ever being hugged so tightly in his life. He stroked the length of black hair that cloaked her shoulders.

"I'll always come back," he whispered. "I promise."

She sighed.

"I'm so happy," she murmured. "I thought I'd never hear you say such things. I thought you'd see me always and forever as your landlady, nothing more."

_As my landlady! _Kenshin pictured a woman of girth, an apron tied around her wide hips, her arms akimbo, her eyes stern and intimidating.

_Kaoru thought I saw her like that?_

The absurdity of the thought caught him, and he began chuckling softly. Kaoru listened to the sound, deep and rich, echo in his chest.

"I can assure you," he replied, "in my thoughts, you're not landlady-ish at all."

Initially pleased, Kaoru noticed that his smile held a hint of a smirk. She narrowed her eyes.

"Hmmm. . .you're thinking hentai thoughts, aren't you!" she accused.

"You said you don't want to be thought of as a landlady."

Under the pale dampness of her skin, Kaoru blushed a bright red. "Just exactly what kind of thoughts _are_ they?" she demanded.

"Shhh. You shouldn't be talking this much yet, you know." He hugged her close, cutting off any further protest.

In the silence they listened to the rain. Then he said quietly:

"I'd say they're very fond."

"What?"

"My thoughts of you."

"Fond. . ." Kaoru tested the word. "You mean like, little sister-fond? Or friendly-fond?"

"_Kaoru-dono,_" Kenshin said severely, "what do you want me to say?"

"I shouldn't have to tell you!" she muttered indignantly. "And besides, I thought we were _over_ the _-dono_!"

"Ahh. . .sorry. It just slipped out. . .Anyway, I think it's time to put you back in the bed."

Her arms clasped automatically around his neck.

"Oh no," she said. "You're not getting away this time. Not until I hear what I've been waiting to hear, Himura Kenshin_-san._"

He stared at her. Her face was directly in front of his, inches away. If he nodded slightly, their noses would touch.

Her gaze was fixed intently on his lips.

_She thinks I'm going to kiss her, _he thought, suppressing a chuckle.

_Ah, Kaoru. . .just you wait._

He lifted her and laid her back down on the futon. She kept her arms around his neck, forcing him to stay close.

He smiled, clearing her hair off her forehead.

"Would you believe me," he murmured, "if I told you that the whole time I was gone, I thought of nobody but you?"

Her lips curved in a satisfied smile.

"That's more like it," she said, pulling him closer, "but not quite. Not quite what I want to hear. I'm not letting you go until you get it right. . .Now get over here. I wouldn't have you strain your neck so. . ."

* * *

She had fallen asleep against the wall. Sanosuke picked up his dingy blanket and held it up by one finger against the weak light of the candle in the corner. Filthy, but it would have to do. He shook it out a couple of times, then draped it carefully over her. 

She didn't stir. He went back to the other side of the room and settled himself comfortably into a corner. Outside the rain fell steadily.

He watched her as she slept. She looked completely out of place in his shabby little room, the whiteness of her skin glowing against the grimy paneling. His eyes scanned the floor carefully for any creatures that might crawl under the blanket and up her leg. Now that he thought about it, there _were_ always little black things with lots of legs crawling around the room. He'd just gotten so used to them that he never thought to squash them anymore. They never seemed to want to bite him anyway.

But her. . .she was clean and she smelled good and. . .

_And she's probably never been in a stinky dump like this in her entire life._

He had never intended to bring her to his flat. From the dojo, he had led her to the riverbank so she could have some of that _fresh air_ she was craving. She had continued to walk on, following the water. When the rain had started to fall, they had found themselves at a considerable distance from the dojo. He had had no choice but to drag her through the seedy part of town back to his home.

Her head started tilting slightly to the side, her neck going slack in sleep. He wondered whether he should sprint over and catch her head with his shoulder. But before he could move, she stirred and resettled herself against the wall. The hardness of the surface behind her caused her to lift her lids slightly. She blinked at the room, disoriented.

Her eyes settled upon him. She stared at him blankly for a moment, then snapped awake, leaning forward, the blanket falling from her shoulders.

She stared down at it.

"Oh. . .I fell asleep?" she murmured, her voice still husky.

"I'd say it's about time."

She glanced at the closed shoji. The paper was still opaque, no hint of light beyond it.

She pushed her twisted hair out of her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I've. . .inconvenienced you." Immediately she began folding the blanket in her lap.

Sanosuke frowned. "What are you doing?"

She looked up. "What? Oh. . .I'm just folding this, since you were so kind to lend it to me. . ."

He rolled his eyes. A minute ago she was almost drooling in front of him, and now. . .

"Do you really talk like that?" he asked her irritatedly.

"Like what?"

"Like with fussy words and all."

"That's the proper way to talk, isn't it?"

"Maybe to a stranger, yeah."

She gave him a polite little smile. "You _are_ a stranger, Sanosuke-san."

His brow arched. "Is that so." He shifted his back against the wall and asked her pointedly:

"So why are you here with me?"

Her brow creased slightly in bewilderment. Not giving her a chance to answer, he went on:

"This probably isn't _proper,_ you know -- being in a stranger's bedroom in the middle of the night. So let's hear it. Why did you have to run out of the dojo like that?"

She shrugged.

"I just wanted to go out for a bit. As I told you."

"Bullshit. You wanted to go to Kenshin, didn't you?"

She shot him a glare that was at once haughty and annoyed. With frigid deliberateness, she laid the folded blanket on the floor next to her and rose.

"I think I'll be going now," she announced.

Sanosuke snorted.

"_I_ don't think so, honey. A, it's still raining outside. And B, do you know what time it is? This part of town isn't exactly upper-crust. If you're found outside in the street, all alone and in a wet kimono, well. . .it wouldn't be very nice for you. Sit down. I'll take you back in a little while."

She remained standing, defiantly staring down at him.

"Or you can stand," he said nonchalantly. "I don't really care."

She clenched her fists, visibly keeping her temper in check. Finally, she sank back down onto the floor, folding her legs neatly to her side, turning her head away from him.

"You shouldn't stay, you know," he told her flatly.

Her eyes shot to his, dagger-like. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I think you know. If you stay, he'll always have to worry about you. And Jo-chan will always have to worry about him."

"You're dramatizing the situation too much," she said coldly. "He doesn't worry about me like that. He promised me this night he would stay right there. That he'd be there for me. He wasn't."

Sanosuke shook his head.

"God, you're one selfish, spoiled bitch, do you know that? Pretty, but selfish."

Her eyes widened. "How dare you say such things! Me, _selfish?_ You have no idea. . ."

"What? I have no idea what?"

"I gave him up for her!"

Sanosuke arched a brow.

"_You_ gave him up? Let's get real here, hon. You didn't give him up. He just didn't want to be with you."

_That _shut her up.

"So stop acting like you're so goddamned noble," he went on. "You know you've lost, Ayumi. It's time to go. Your hanging around here won't do anyone any good. You're just confusing Kenshin. "

"_I'm just. . ._confusing _him?_" she sputtered. "How can you even say that? I've been trying to help him -- "

Sanosuke dug around in his pocket for his fishbone and stuck it into his mouth.

"Really? Let's think about that for a minute. You're an old friend of his, right? And your uncle was his master. Don't you think Kenshin would feel obligated to look after you -- especially if you hang around the house like some poor, helpless orphan?"

Her mouth fell open in outrage. "You're a horrible man, do you know that?"

"So I've been told." He shrugged. "The point is, you can't stay."

There was a long pause.

"I never said I would stay," she muttered.

"Oh? So you've decided?"

"I always knew we couldn't be together."

"Well, it's nice to know you've got that clear. Saves me a lot of breath. So," Sanosuke slapped his thigh. "Where are you heading off to?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, finding his casualness grating. With practiced grace, she turned her attention to smoothing the fabric of her kimono over her knees.

"Back home."

"And home is?"

"Choshu."

Sanosuke stretched out his leg comfortably. "Ah, the west. I've been there once. Nice place. Do you still have family there?"

"No."

"Really? Not a single person?"

She exhaled, her irritation slowly fading, her thoughts starting to drift to the faces and places that she had once known.

"Well. . .I imagine if I look hard enough, I'll probably find some distant relations on my mother's side. . .or some of my father's retainers."

Sanosuke chewed on the fishbone.

"Choshu, huh? I hear they have good food there. . ."

* * *

The morning sun was shining in brightly through the shoji when Kenshin finally opened his eyes. He blinked, and turned his head. . .and found himself face-to-face with Kaoru. 

His whole body went perfectly still.

She was sleeping contentedly, her head angled toward his, her arm lazily draped over his hip.

_God, she's gorgeous_.

Suddenly an alarm went off in his head. He stared at the conspicuously gaping front of her yukata.

_Oro. . ._

He twisted his body slightly and looked down. The tie of his hakama was still there at his waist, snug and secure. He breathed a sigh of relief.

_We didn't do anything,_ _ Nothing, absolutely nothing, just fell asleep. . ._

He glanced at her, his eyes lingering on her face. A gentle smile curved his lips.

_Just fell asleep. . .together._

Gingerly, he lifted her arm and placed it back on the mattress, easing his body off the futon as carefully as possible.

She stirred.

_Damn._

She opened her eyes.

"Kenshin," she murmured.

"Good morning," he said. "I'll go make breakfast."

"Be quick, okay?" She smiled at him sleepily.

He smiled back. "Sure."

_This is the best morning of my life._

He picked up the sakaba and rose, flicking his hair hastily out of his eyes. _Where'd that thing go? _he wondered, searching the floor for the small strip of leather that he used to tie his hair back. Deciding that it was probably lost somewhere in Kaoru's futon, he tossed his hair behind his shoulder and slid the door open.

The hallway greeted him, cool and quiet. He stared at the door to Ayumi's room. The space in front of it was empty.

_Sanosuke must have gone home during the night. Ah well, he'll definitely be back for breakfast. . . _

Kenshin decided to check on Ayumi. He went to the door and slid it open a fraction. A second later he flung it open, his eyes wide. The room was completely empty. Her futon remained rolled up in the corner.

_Where is she!_

Briskly, he covered the hallway around the house, checking every room, his worry increasing with each second. He went out and scanned the courtyard. Empty. Stifling the urge to rush out and search for her, he walked back inside, going straight to Yahiko's room.

Opening the door quietly, he found the child still sleeping, mouth open. He walked over and shook him gently.

"Yahiko? Yahiko, wake up."

Yahiko lifted a sleepy lid.

"What?" he muttered grouchily. "It's way too early, Kenshin!"

"I need you to watch Kaoru. I have to run and do something right now. Yahiko, do you understand? Go watch Kaoru for me, please?"

The boy stared at him through crusty eyes and sat up slowly.

"Why? Where are you going?"

"To find Ayumi," he replied, already heading out the door.

He made his way quickly down the hallway to the front entrance of the house. No sooner had he stepped down into the foyer when the heavy wooden door slid open, momentarily blinding him with the sudden onslaught of light. He squinted.

There before him, outlined against the morning sky, was the recognizable silhouette of Sanosuke's rooster head. And next to him was. . .

"Ayumi!" Kenshin gasped.

She gave him a small smile.

"Kenshin."

"And where might _you_ be going?" Sano inquired. "Looks like you're about to abandon Jo-chan."

"Where did you take her?" Kenshin demanded.

"Oh no, Kenshin," Ayumi cut in hastily, "_I_ was the one who asked Sanosuke-san for his company. Last night I just had to go out and get some fresh air, that's all. Unfortunately, we got caught in the rain, so. . .Sanosuke-san was kind enough to bring me to his home."

"You took her _there?_" Kenshin asked incredulously.

"It was very kind of him," Ayumi said placatingly. "And look, he even escorted me back here."

Kenshin said nothing.

Sensing the tension in the air, Ayumi latched onto Sanosuke's arm.

"Come on, Sanosuke-san, how about some tea and breakfast? You must be famished. I'll make you something myself." She threw a hasty smile at Kenshin and forcefully began to drag Sanosuke into the hallway. Sanosuke stumbled out of his black slippers and stepped up onto the raised floor of the house. Leaving Kenshin staring after him, he grinned down at Ayumi.

"Now that's more like it. So what can you make, sweetheart? Grilled fish and eggs and miso would be nice."

She shot him a glance that told him to shut up. Sanosuke closed his mouth and happily allowed himself to be led into the kitchen.

* * *

Kaoru looked up as the door slid open. 

Ayumi let herself in, delicately balancing the tray at her hip and shutting the door behind her. She smiled down at Kaoru.

"Good morning, Kaoru-san. How about some breakfast?"

Kaoru pushed her hair out of her eyes and tried, with considerable difficulty, to sit up. Ayumi placed the tray down on the tatami and reached over, propping the pillows up.

"Better?"

Kaoru settled into the pillows. "Thank you." She stared at the tray. "It's so kind of you. . .to. . ."

Ayumi reached for the bowl of soup. "I'm the one imposing on your hospitality," she said, mixing the miso in with a little soup spoon. "Everyone has been incredibly kind to me."

She sank the spoon in the soup, then raised it to Kaoru's lips.

"Ayumi-san. . .you don't need to do this," Kaoru protested.

"You don't have enough strength to feed yourself yet. And Kenshin told me to make sure you eat. So please try, Kaoru-san."

With some embarassment, Kaoru opened her lips and sipped the soup from the spoon.

When Kaoru finished the soup, Ayumi set the empty bowl back on the tray.

"I'm sorry that's it for breakfast today, but since you haven't eaten solids in a while, I thought it might be wiser to wait a little. . . It's going to be soup for a couple of days more, alright?"

"That was enough, really. Thank you."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. Much better. I'm eager to get up and start walking around, you know."

Ayumi smiled. "Maybe not yet. But it's good to have you awake. Kenshin's very happy, you know."

Kaoru detected a slight sadness behind her smile.

"Do you remember what I told you -- " Ayumi went on hesitantly, "that afternoon, when I came here? When we were talking in the living room, before Ryou and Kenshin. . ."

She fell silent suddenly.

"Ayumi-san?"

Ayumi looked up, her gaze serious.

"I told you that all Kenshin needs is to know that you love him." She paused. "I'm leaving today, Kaoru-san. I've got to get back to Otsu to collect my uncle's ashes, then I'm going home to Choshu. It'll be a homecoming. . .for both of us."

"Your uncle. . ."

"Passed away recently." She took a deep breath, staring down at her hands, "Anyway, what I want to say is. . .please, just remember what I told you. Remember that all Kenshin needs is to know that you love him. If he has that, if he's made to feel that all the time, then he'll finally find his happiness. He might not show it, but deep inside, he'll be at peace. Even if the guilt comes back, even if he feels he has to go off somewhere for a while, as long as he knows in his heart that you love him, he'll always come back. He'll always come back to you."

The earnestness in her eyes wrenched at Kaoru's heart.

"You are too kind to me," she whispered.

Ayumi smiled, that same sad smile.

"You're his happiness, don't you know that?" She turned to the tray at her side and picked it up. "I'll let you rest now."

Ayumi left the room quietly and headed down the hallway back to the kitchen.

First, she had to return the tray. And then. . .

It would be time to say goodbye.

* * *

Kneeling on the floor, Ayumi pushed the last piece of clothing into the straw bag. She pulled on the hemp cords, drawing the top shut, and closed the flap. Ready. She looked around the room. Everything was neatly in place, the futon in its corner, the tatamis clear. 

The door slid open.

"Ayumi-san!"

"Ah, Yahiko. What is it?"

"Kenshin told me to call you to the kitchen. He said you haven't eaten yet."

"Alright, I'll be right there. . .but -- Yahiko?"

Yahiko, about to run back down the hallway, stopped when she called his name.

"Will you do me a favor?" she asked him. "Will you give this to Kaoru-san?"

Yahiko stared at the folded length of embroidered yellow silk that she held out to him with both hands.

"Wow. . .what _is_ that?"

She smiled. "It's a blanket. My uncle gave it to me a long time ago. I want Kaoru-san to have it."

Yahiko gave her a skeptic look.

"Are you _sure? _She's sort of messy, you know. When she sleeps, she kicks the blanket all around and gets it tangled in her feet. . ."

"That's alright. Could you bring this to her now? Tell her it's from me."

Yahiko took the blanket, holding the silk reverently, having seen nothing half as grand in his entire life. "Okay," he mumbled uncertainly.

Ayumi watched him leave. Then, staring at her empty hands, she smiled to herself.

_I'll always remember, Uncle. . .everything we did. That tree we used to climb outside my window, the days you spent with me. . ._

_It's time to go home._

She picked up her bag and left the room, sliding the door quietly shut behind her.

* * *

Sano muched idly on a brand-new fishbone he had extracted from the grilled fish Ayumi had made. Across from him, Kenshin sat in silence, sipping his tea. 

"So did you have a talk with Jo-chan?" Sano asked casually.

"Of course."

"You know she's going to want to know about everything. About Ayumi, and Ryou. . ."

"I've told her about Ayumi," Kenshin replied bluntly. "And Ryou. . .well, there's really nothing to tell. Saitou had him cremated and buried somewhere, right?"

Sano snorted.

"You can go ahead and think that if you like. I'd rather have Jo-chan hear that story, anyway. One thing's for sure, though -- _I_ wouldn't trust that lowlife with _my_ dead body."

"Good morning."

At the sound of her voice, they both looked up. She stood in the doorway, clad in a fresh, light brown kimono, a straw bag in her hands.

Kenshin eyed the bag.

"Good morning. Going somewhere?" he asked.

"Yes. Home."

His eyes widened.

She took a step into the kitchen.

"Thank you for your help, Kenshin, but I must return to Otsu as soon as possible. There's Uncle's ashes to collect, and I've got to say goodbye to Aunt Ikumatsu."

"But after Otsu. . ."

She smiled serenely at him.

"After Otsu, it won't be that far to Hagi."

"Hagi!" Kenshin exclaimed. "You're going back to Choshu?"

She nodded. "It's about time, don't you think? There's nothing left for me in Otsu anymore."

"Yes, but Choshu. . ."

"I'll be fine," she assured him. "I know my way."

"It's dangerous -- "

"God, Kenshin. Enough already," Sanosuke cut in, rising from his seat ang spitting out the fishbone into the box of trash in the corner. "Didn't you hear the girl? She said she'll be fine. And your whining's all useless anyway. It's not like you can go."

"Right," Ayumi agreed. "You can't leave Kaoru-san, and besides. . .I want you to stop worrying about me, Kenshin. I'm not your responsibility, you know. I can take care of myself."

"Ayumi," Kenshin said with a sigh, "if you could just wait a little -- "

"You're not going with her," Sanosuke snapped, "_ever,_ okay? Get that through your thick head. You're not about to leave Jo-chan. Now, Ayumi's got to go, so hurry up and say your goodbyes and let the poor girl leave already."

"There's no way she's going alone," Kenshin said intractably, getting up from his seat.

"Who said she's going alone?" Sanosuke retorted, striding casually towards the doorway, where Ayumi stood. Before she realized it, he had snatched the bag out of her hands and thrown it over his shoulder, the hemp cords hooked onto his fingers.

"Alright," he said to her, "say bye so we can get going."

Ayumi stared at him open-mouthed. "Excuse me?"

Kenshin was staring at him with the same dumbfounded expression.

Sano looked at her expectantly. "I thought you were in a hurry."

"Yes. . .but. . .I'm not going with _you!_"

"Really? Pity. Because _I'm_ going to Choshu, and so is your luggage. Don't you think you should come along?"

Ayumi stared at Kenshin helplessly.

Kenshin took one look at the cool determination in Sano's eyes, and sighed.

"Arigatou, Sano," he said with a grin.

"Kenshin!" Ayumi exclaimed.

"I'll feel much better knowing Sano's with you. Please give my condolences to Ikumatsu-dono, Ayumi." He bowed deeply. "You'll come visit again, won't you?"

"I'm really going with you," she mumbled to Sano.

"You heard him."

She turned to Kenshin with a resigned smile.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye. I wonder. . .how long will it be till we see each other again?"

"You'll always be welcome here," he replied.

After a moment, she nodded.

"Yes. Because this is your home, isn't it? And old friends are always welcome in one's home." She leaned forward and hugged him, recording in her mind the warmth she held.

"Be happy, okay?" she whispered. "Do your best to be happy."

She stepped away from him, then looked up at Sanosuke. "Ready?"

"Finally," Sanosuke grumbled. He glanced at Kenshin. "Alright, I'm off. Do me a favor and check up on my place once in a while, okay? I'll be back."

"Sure."

Ayumi gave him a last smile, then disappeared into the hallway, Sanosuke following her.

Kenshin watched them until they disappeared beyond the gate.

_Did I keep my promise to you, Katsura? Will she be able to start a new life?_

_At least she went back to Choshu. That ought to make you happy. And she's in good hands._

At that moment, a solitary Megumi came walking in through the gate, heading towards the front entrance where he stood. Her eyes were downcast, her head bowed. She carried a heavy-looking medicine kit.

"Can I help you with that, Megumi-dono?"

She looked up. A curious sheen gleamed in her eyes.

"Oh -- Ken-san! Good morning."

He took the kit from her.

"Kaoru's awake," he informed her.

"So I've heard." She smiled at him. "You must be very happy."

"I am ." He paused, studying her face. "Did you meet Sano and Ayumi on the way?" he asked her gently.

She nodded.

"So he's taking her home to Choshu?"

"Yes. That's Sano for you. Nobody even asked him to." He stepped away from the doorway. "Ah, but he'll be back soon. Why don't you come in? Kaoru will be glad to see you."

Megumi entered the foyer, then slipped off her sandals and stepped up onto the hallway.

"So he said he'd be back, did he?" she asked Kenshin, walking ahead of him into the house.

Kenshin smiled to himself.

"Of course he'll be back, Megumi-dono. I hear food is quite expensive nowadays in Choshu."

She glanced at him. He was glad to see the corners of her lips lift in a smirk.

"Don't get the wrong idea now, Ken-san," she said, the teasing tone back in her voice. "You know it's _you_ that I'm really after, right?"

He shook his head and sighed.

"No fox ears today, please, Megumi-dono? Kaoru's still recovering."

Megumi arched a brow.

"Ah. . .so now it's just _Kaoru,_ huh? But still Megumi_-dono_? How unfair of you, Ken-san!"

"Forgive me -- "

Megumi touched his arm affectionately. "You musn't mind me," she said with a small smile. "I'm just spouting nonsense. Honestly. . .I'm glad that everything has finally been cleared up between you two."

They stood before the closed door to Kaoru's bedroom. Megumi looked up at him, her eyes suddenly moist again.

"Being honest is all that matters, you know, Ken-san? Being honest about what you feel."

Before he could ask her anything more, she slid the door open and greeted Kaoru with an exuberant _good morning_.

* * *

When Megumi had left, Kenshin shut the front door behind him and stepped back up into the hallway. 

The house was quiet. Yahiko had gone out to the dojo to practice by himself. Kaoru was resting in her bedroom.

_This is your home, isn't it?_ Ayumi had asked.

The warm brown wood, the fresh hint of air blowing in from the porch. . .it was all comfortingly familiar. Kenshin took a deep breath.

_Yes. I am home. . ._

He walked back to Kaoru's bedroom, stopping at the door.

_And she's waiting for me._

He opened the door. She was still awake.

Kaoru looked up at him happily.

_. . .As long as he knows in his heart that you love him, he'll always come back to you. . ._

Kenshin noticed the lustrous yellow silk that lay draped over her futon.

"Where did that come from?" he asked.

"Ayumi-san gave it to me. Isn't it beautiful? I really need to thank her again, before she leaves."

"She left already."

Kaoru stared at him. "Oh."

He was silent for a long moment, looking at the blanket. Then he raised his eyes to hers.

"Would you like to sit out on the porch? There's a nice breeze outside."

She smiled. "If you sit with me."

He went to the shoji that opened onto the porch and slid it open. Kaoru looked outside.

The afternoon sky was clear and cloudless, its blue bright.

Suddenly she noticed he was smiling down at her, holding out his hand.

"Come on," he said.

She reached out to him. He lifted her from the futon and carried her out onto the porch. He sat down against a post. Kaoru leaned back into the warmth of his arms, her hand clasping his.

"Kaoru."

"Hmmm?"

"Do you know what the picture on that blanket is?"

She shook her head. "It's very pretty, though."

"It's Choshu," he told her. "It's the old Katsura house, where Ayumi grew up. I guess giving the blanket to you was her way of letting go."

She looked up at him.

"I think I'm starting to understand," he went on. "The memories will always be there, but. . ."

"But. . .?"

"It doesn't mean we can't make new ones."

She curled her fingers around his. "Kenshin. . ."

He smiled at her. His eyes were light and happy.

"What do you think? Maybe the two of us can try. . .staying like this. . .being together always. . ."

She pulled his arms closer around her. The bursting happiness in her heart seeped out into her wide smile.

"I never wanted anything more," she whispered, closing her eyes and snuggling against him.

As he gazed at her, Kenshin suddenly had the feeling that he had just been saved.

This smile_ is what's most precious to me. . ._

He drew her closer to him.

Together, they sat there and watched the blue sky turn into a field of clear, winking stars.

**the end**

**Author's Note (Again): ****And there you have the ending, as best as I can write it. I will admit one thing here: when I started this story, Seisouhen hadn't yet come out, so I envisioned a total WAFF-fest ending for this fic (in fact, in my imagination, when I was filling in the gaps left by the anime and the manga, I had a nice happy WAFFy ending for the "happily ever after" part of Kenshin and Kaoru's life.)**

**Of course, that was before Sony ever released the "official" version of the "happily ever after" -- in the form of Seisouhen.**

**After seeing Seisouhen, well, I guess my perception and understanding of Kenshin sort of changed. The Kenshin in Seisouhen is a man who can't let go of the duty he's brought upon himself -- his duty of atonement -- and his burden of guilt. It made me sort of sad to see him like that. Even though he had Kaoru by his side, even though they had a son, he still found it necessary to leave home and do all sorts of things that ultimately only led to his and Kaoru's early demise. It was saddening to see that no matter how much they'd been through together, no matter how much love and acceptance Kaoru gave him, he still felt that he had to go out and work to find that ever-elusive sense of forgiveness. The tragedy in Seisouhen (and I guess it's the tragedy of the whole series) is that this forgiveness does not come to Kenshin until his death. In the end it seemed to me that the most important thing to Kenshin was really his quest for that forgiveness. He left Kaoru and Kenji in search of it.**

**It made me really sad to see that, but in any case, I accepted it as a deeper insight into his character. I started to see Kenshin in a different light, and I guess the way that I'll always think of him from now on is in terms of the sadness lingering behind his smile -- Kaoru and Kenji made him smile, but he wasn't able to let go of that sadness until his death.**

**With all this in mind, and seeing Kenshin in this light, I revised this story and wrote the ending above. I'm not sure how WAFFy it is, but I tried not too make it too gloomy. Or too WAFFy, either, for that matter. A totally happy WAFFy ending somehow seemed at odds with the insight into Kenshin's character provided by Seisouhen.**

**Thank you again for reading and for taking the time to let me know what you thought. Your comments really helped me work on my writing, and I had fun, too. I hope you enjoyed the story in some measure as well.**

**- mikan**

** edit: June 2007**

**Wow, I can't believe it's been almost five years since this story came to a close. I'm really grateful to all those who read and reviewed -- it makes me so happy to know that people are still reading this despite its advanced age. :) I greatly appreciate all the feedback I've received, especially the numerous different reactions to my use of Seisouhen as the motivation for the ending.**

** Since there appears to be some contention over the influence of Seisouhen, I thought it was probably time I clarified a few things. As best as I can remember, when Seisouhen came out and I watched it, I was unaware that it was not part of Watsuki's vision for Kenshin's story. To my mind, it was a feasible continuation of the happy ending shown in the manga. Kenshin and Kaoru, I recall, end up together; they have a son. The manga does not show us the later years, when the son is grown and Kenshin and Kaoru are in their old age. Thus, when I saw Seisouhen, I took it for what it advertised itself as -- the continuation and ending of Kenshin's story. I didn't know Watsuki envisioned a happy ending for everyone and that he had no hand in the production of Seisouhen.  
**

**In any case, whether Seisouhen is "official" or not is beside the point. Seisouhen is just one of many possible ways the rest of Kenshin's life could have unfolded -- I just happened to use it and adapt it into my own personal canon. I don't regret having done so -- honestly, I don't hate Seisouhen. It made me sad when I first watched it, but I don't hate it. There's an aching, tragic beauty to it that fits who I believe Kenshin to be: he is, more than anything, a somber man at heart.**

**Of course, this somberness of heart doesn't preclude him from having Watsuki's happy ending. The main difference between Watsuki's canon and my vision of Kenshin is that for me, Kenshin's happy ending ultimately does not last. For a few years he is happy, but eventually his inability to forgive himself robs him of the chance to make that happiness last. This, for me, is the truth of his character.  
**

**This fic has a happy ending, though, let's not forget that! Anyway, I think that the issue is more with my discussion of Seisouhen in the author's note rather than with the actual ending of the fic itself. So, to address matters: I am now aware that Seisouhen is not part of the official Kenshin canon. However, I don't believe that its "unofficialness" makes it any less worthy an insight into Kenshin's character. I think Seisouhen is beautiful in its portrayal of the deep sadness that Kenshin holds within himself. That sadness is what I remember most vividly about him, and it's what rings true for me when I think again about his story, after all these years.**

**Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it more than I can express.**

**- mikan, 6/1/07  
**


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